NINETEEN
Heading back to the main street where the Senators are all fine, Evelyn's careful to let her hair cover her face, not being seen or paid attention to as she snakes around the group. Bucky's eyes grow sad as he watches, heading through with John, thanked by some Senators, getting looks from the press, but all of it skips right past Evelyn.
Because maybe that's the cold, hard truth. Unless you're someone important or have relations or are known for something, there's no getting out of trouble. Bucky did wrong, but Steve got him out of it. Stark got Steve out of it. A cycle that goes on and on, but with the public's shaky opinion of Bucky there's no way he'd be able to get Evelyn out of something like this.
She'll have to keep running. Keep running and running, never looking back, not allowing herself to get caught, because if she does, the consequences would be severe.
Bucky knows she's changed. Hell, he sees it in her eyes. The Winter Soldier's effect on her is still present, but she's fighting it every second of every day, just like he was. But no one else would see it that way. No one else would understand.
When he finally gets through, passing the cars behind the trucks and the crowds, out of sight, Evelyn's there. There's the lightest smile on her face, bruises on her body, a scratch under her eye. But despite it all, she's there.
She's there.
The moment they're close, his arms fling around her, or maybe her arms fling around him, just holding each other close. Her arms are around his neck, his around her waist, bodies pressed together as they just sag in relief and hope and finality, knowing that it took a lot to get to this point, but it was worth every second.
"Lyn, I'm sorry for–"
"Shut up," she interrupts breathlessly, shaking her head as she grips onto him tightly. "You always end up ruining the moment with your big mouth." He can't help but bubble out a laugh at that, a relieved, joyful laugh, burying his face in her shoulder and pulling her closer.
They only pull away when they have to, a few minutes later when the reporters start yelling and the snap of cameras clicking reaches their ears. In confusion, they glance around, only for horror and dread to place itself in Evelyn's heart at the sight before her.
Sam carrying Karli's dead body. Another child she couldn't save.
Silently, the woman watches alongside the other two Super Soldiers as the girl's placed on a gurney and taken away. Sam walks forward, ignoring everything everyone's yelling, only paying attention to one of the Senators, Ayla, when she says, "Sam, thank you so much, from all of us."
"Sincerely," another one nods. "You did your part in dealing with those terrorists, now we'll do ours."
The word terrorists makes Evelyn tense, and she can see the way Sam's eyebrows knit together at the word, too. "Are you still going forward with resetting the borders?"
"Our peacekeeping troops will begin relocating people soon," one of the Senators nod. "The terrorists only set us back a bit."
"You have to stop calling them terrorists."
The Government Official scoffs. "What else would we call them?"
Your peacekeeping troops carrying weapons are forcing millions of people into settlements around the world, right? What do you think those people are gonna call you?" John and Bucky exchange a solemn look, knowing very well how it happens. How in some places... the heroes are the villains. "These labels, 'terrorists', 'refugee', 'thug'... they're often used to get around the question, why?"
"Those settlements that happened five years ago," Senator Lacont starts, "do you think it is fair for governments to have to support them?"
He doesn't even hesitate. "Yes."
"And the people who reappeared only to find someone else living in their family home, they just end up homeless?" the Government Official adds hopelessly, then sighs. "Look, I get it. But you have no idea how complicated this situation is."
The cameras are carefully trained on them, taking everything in, but when the Senators stop they start walking off, thinking the conversation's done. It's only when Sam starts talking that they realise how wrong they are.
"You know what? You're right. And that's a good thing. We finally have a common struggle now. Think about that. For once, all the people who've been begging – and I mean literally begging – for you to feel how hard any given day is... Now you know. How did it feel to be helpless? Now if you could remember what it was like to be helpless and face a force so powerful it could erase half the planet, you would know that you're about to have the exact same impact. This isn't about easy decisions, Senator."
At a loss of what to say, the Senator just resorts to the stammered, "You just don't understand."
"Wait for Sam to give him hell," Evelyn can't help but mutter, Bucky allowing the flickering smile to grace his lips.
Just as Evelyn predicted, Sam scoffs. "I'm a Black man carrying the stars and stripes. What don't I understand? Every time I pick this thing up, I know there are millions of people who are gonna hate me for it. Even now, here... I feel it. The stares, the judgment. And there's nothin' I can do to change it.
"Yet, I'm still here. No super serum, no blond hair, or blue eyes. The only power I have is that I believe we can do better. We can't demand that people step up if we don't meet them halfway." He whirls around to face Senator Lacont. "Look, you control the banks. Shit, you can move borders! You can knock down a forest with an email, you can feed a million people with a phone call. But the question is, who's in the room when you make those decisions? Hmm? Is it the people you're gonna impact? Or is it just more people like you?
"I mean, this girl died trying to stop you, and no one has stopped for one second to ask why. You've gotta do better, Senator. You've gotta step up. Because if you don't, the next Karli will. And you don't wanna see 2.0. People believed in her cause so much that they helped her defy the strongest governments in the world. Why do you think that is?
"Look, you people have just as much power as an insane god... or a misguided teenager. The question you have to ask yourself is, 'How are you going to use it?'"
With one last disappointed glance around at all of them, Sam turns around, starting to head away and ignoring all the calls from the reporters.
When he reaches Evelyn and Bucky (after giving a nod to John), Bucky clears his throat. "Sorry, I was, uh, I was texting and so, all I heard was, um, 'a Black guy in stars and stripes'."
The three of them share a chuckle, relieved for the momentary lighthearted moment after everything, although Evelyn's quick to wittily comment, "Right, that's why I saw tears glimmering in your eyes, Barnes. What, someone send you a glittery cat meme or something?"
Sam grins. "You know what a meme is?"
"Nope, but I've heard my annoying neighbour talk about them, so..."
Chuckling, Bucky smiles at the two. His team. "Nice job, Cap," he finally says, and the words carry so much meaning. Steve would've been proud.
Sam smiles back. "Thanks." It's only when they've taken a few steps that Sam notices something, eyebrows furrowing. "Sharon?"
Evelyn glances up, only to catch sight of Sharon pressing a towel to her abdomen, it coming back red with blood. At the sight of the three, she just gives a forced chuckle. "Blocking my light," she comments weakly.
"We gotta get you to a hospital."
Evelyn scoffs. If there's one thing that they have in common, it's that neither of the girls would ever go to a hospital. "She's not gonna listen, the blonde bastard."
Panting, Sharon raises an eyebrow at her. "It's not the worst thing that's happened to me all week. And right back at you, redheaded asshole."
"Told you," Evelyn pointedly tells Sam, although there's a knowing look in both women's eyes as they offer the slightest smiles.
"Uh, Cap?"
"I think he's talking to you," Sharon mutters at the sight of one of the Senators standing a few meters away. "Look, I'm sorry for how things ended down there. For what it's worth, suit looks good on you."
"Thanks," Sam chuckles lightly, then presses his lips together. "I didn't forget my promise." Sharon just gives the slightest nod in return.
Bucky just sighs. "All right, look, can we get out of here, please?" They all give tired laughs, and Sharon turns to start walking off, Bucky following.
That is, till he notices Evelyn's not beside him. Immediately he whirls around in a panic, hearing the breathless whisper in his ears, not quite processing it yet.
He can't help but remember that day not so long ago, that day he woke up in the living room of Sarah's house and found the blankets folded up and Evelyn completely gone. He ran out in a panic, only to find her working on the boat.
He was so worried that she'd left him behind, that she'd run off. How the tables turn. Now all Bucky wants to do is run off with her, make sure she's safe and doesn't get caught. He's been imprisoned before, and just remembering it sends pain in his head. He doesn't want Evelyn to go through that too.
But now, seeing her walk up to the Senator that called Sam's name, his heart freezes, and the breathless whisper becomes clear, echoing in his head.
"I'm sorry."
"Evelyn Virginia Grace, Winter Soldier," he catches her saying, his eyes going wide in panic as she holds her wrists out. "Think you've seen my name on the news. I know I have, at least. Turning myself in. Please wipe the shock from your gawking face, it makes me feel like a zoo animal."
"Stop." It takes everything in him to force it out of his lips, Bucky rushing forward with pain striking in his chest over and over. He thought he reached a low years back, but it's nothing compared to this. "Stop. Lyn, stop it. We said we'd talk about it."
"Right." Evelyn clenches her jaw, nodding and turning back to him as the Senator just stares, stunned. "Let's talk about it, huh? Let's talk about everything I did, all the mistakes, all the people I killed. Let's talk about how there was no way this was going to end in any other way. Let's talk about the guilt that takes over me every single night, and how I don't know–" Her voice breaks, sending Bucky's heart into palpitations, "–how to fix it. How to make it stop."
The joy from just moments ago fades. Everything goes dark, and it feels like there's no hope. Where he had it, where he believed there was that chance, it's all faded in the blink of an eye, leaving Bucky empty but in pain, screaming, but silent, breaking but never whole to begin with.
Because that's just it. He understands, but he doesn't want to. He wants nothing more than to have avoided all this, than to have dragged her into this. He never should've gone to Brazil and got her in the first place if it would've led to this.
But if he never brought her along, he never would've found himself in the process.
"Why would you do this?"
His voice is strained, broken, and even Sam can hear it. He can hear it, as he watches all this happen, realising that there was so much he missed, and recognising the look in Bucky's eyes all too well. After all, Steve had that look in his eyes whenever he talked about one person, just one person, and now he's with her again. Maybe Steve and Bucky aren't so different after all.
A sad smile just flickers onto her face, one side of her lips twitching up as her eyes meet Bucky's. "I'm a mother. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a wife. I've lost everyone I held dear, but I am still and will always be these things. But at the same time..."
For a moment, she closes her eyes. The horrors flash there, the screams, the blood, but at the same time... she's free. Even if this doesn't go right, she's still free. She doesn't need to get rid of the words to know that.
"I will always have a part of the Winter Soldier in me. It might not be a significant part. I still get nightmares about the things I did while brainwashed, but at the same time, it was still me. I hurt people. I killed people. Even though I wasn't in control of my own actions, I still don't excuse myself for that, because even after I was free I was struggling with my mind and killed people. I don't think I'll ever be quite the same person I once was ever again.
"They were still their parents' children, and I know what it's like to lose a child. You know that I do. So this...? It's what I'm meant to do."
Adelina was obsessed with destiny when she was alive, the differences between fate and destiny, and how it affected a person. It was the things the person did that made it destiny instead of fate; fate, which can't be controlled.
And for once, Evelyn's controlling her destiny.
Bucky's breaking as the police officers run over at the Senator's gesture, recognising the woman immediately as they pull out the cuffs, slipping them on her wrists. The sound of them snapping into place seems to indicate the sound of Bucky snapping inside, because he can't say anything. He can't move. He can't even breathe, his eyes glued to her, the way she just nods and takes it, turns around to go with the two officers, not even saying goodbye.
But after a few steps, she stops. Pauses. Turns around. Her eyes meet Bucky's once more, and she smiles. "Don't worry, Barnes. You'll be seeing me again. I promise."
Then she walks away.
*
It's with the heaviness of a thousand consciences that Bucky walks down the corridor, stopping outside a door. Pausing. His fist shakes as he raises it to knock, nerves squirming in his stomach.
"You've got this." He can practically hear Evelyn's voice in his ears. "I believe in you."
And again, the number of people he killed comes rushing back to him. He may not have given himself up, but he knows deep in his heart, beneath the pain and agony, that what she did was right. They both hurt people. She gave herself up for it. The least he can do is tell Nakajima what happened, tell everyone what happened. Making amends.
The door opens, revealing the old man's face, forehead creased with worry. "Hey, what are you doing here? It's late, come in before someone call the cops."
Bucky can't even part his lips, eyes grazing over the memorial behind Nakajima. The photograph. A flash behind his eyes knocks him off-guard, the memory coming back full force, words stuck in his throat.
"James. Take a deep breath."
When he's finally gained the courage to take a step forward, he takes another. And another. And another. He just keeps stepping forward, focusing on the ground in front of him instead of his surroundings, the place that must contain too many memories for the old man. Memories that became full of grief and loss the moment Bucky pulled the trigger.
"Not you, Bucky. The Winter Soldier. You're not the same person – we're not the same people as them."
"What are you doing here?" Nakajima questions once more when they're sitting down, addled with confusion. "It's not Wednesday."
Once more, Bucky's eyes rake over the photograph, and his heart beats wildly at what's about to come out of his lips. How this is going to break him. But this is what he's meant to do.
His voice is barely audible. "I, uh, I have to tell you something. About your son." Hesitating for just a moment, he presses his lips together, then reaches for his left glove. Pulling it off. Staring at the metal, but it's not the same arm that killed so many. He has to remember that.
Nevertheless, his voice breaks. "He was murdered."
Nakajima's voice fails. "What?"
It only seems to pain Bucky, but he forces the words out with everything in him. "By the Winter Soldier." Finally, he starts quivering, voice shaking, unable to keep his eyes from pricking as his body shrinks into itself, wishing with all his heart that he wasn't alone to do this. That she was here with him.
"And that was me."
He can't possibly decipher Nakajima's expression. He can't tell if he's in pain, if he's confused, if it's not sunk in quite yet. He can't tell if he's furious with Bucky or if he's just mourning. He can't tell what the news could possibly do to him, and perhaps not knowing is the worst curse of all.
Finally, the old man forces the one word out, the word that means so much, the word that's a question, the question that can't be answered. "Why?"
"It wasn't your fault."
He inhales sharply, hands trembling. But this is what Evelyn would have said to do. Hell, she would've come with him, and it would have been so much easier if she did. He and Evelyn might have been similar in so many aspects... but he will never know what it's like to have a child, let alone lose them.
"I didn't have a choice."
When it's over, when he's explained, it's all he can do to close the door behind him as he leaves, the latch shutting with a little click. In the end, it may have pained him, but it was what he had to do.
Even then, he thought it would all be easier. He thought it wouldn't hurt as much. He thought... he'd been through so much, that this wouldn't be as difficult as everything else. Doing that himself... it was a thought that hadn't even occurred to him. Then again, he had never thought Evelyn would give herself up, either. It seems like the world is out to get him, to punch him in the gut before he's even stood up from the last blow.
The apartment is empty when he makes it back to his own, a draught coming in from the cracks around the windows. It's been just a day since he was here last, but it feels like an eternity.
An eternity since they were talking, telling stories in the night, grasping each other's fingers for comfort, making coffee, going out on walks.
An eternity since they cried together, held each other, murmured apologies in the night, shared the darkest parts of their souls with each other, and just lived.
But what is living now?
"I can't trust my own mind," Bucky had whispered the first night, blanket strewn haphazardly across his body, dog tags resting on his bare chest. Neither of them could sleep in the early hours of the morning, too plagued with unspeakables.
Though then, despite the exhaustion in her body and her hair a bird's nest on her head and the lack of smile on her lips, when he looked towards Evelyn, her eyes were alight, and she looked more human than he'd seen her in a long time. "Then I'm asking you to trust me."
But maybe that's just it. Maybe he's destined to lose the people close to him, for life to torture him at every turn, to have every single possible pain inflicted upon him.
"I'll be here when you wake up."
But she's not here. She gave herself up. She gave them up. And he'll always be left alone with that sobering reminder, that someone else left him.
He keeps telling himself it was her choice, it was her choice to leave him, but in his heart, he knows it wasn't. He knows that things couldn't go back to the way they were before, that they'd always be running, that they'd get caught eventually. He knows that he'd be prosecuted if he was found, and she'd never want that life for him. He knows that they'd never stop looking over their shoulders, never stop having to keep up their guard.
But for her... he would've done anything.
He sighs, hating how everything's changed. "They can't give me a power and expect me to be a hero," he admits quietly.
"We might not expect it... but we know it's what you'd do."
The sound of their footsteps against the concrete is the only sound when Bucky turns to look at her, and she doesn't seem surprised to see the broken look in his eyes. Maybe it's because it's the same look she often has in her own. "How would you know that?"
She hesitates. Barely for a second, but still there. Maybe it's because after everything, all this came from the serum in his blood, and without it there wouldn't be all this pressure. He wouldn't feel this way.
But she doesn't have to hesitate, because this is who he is now. Evelyn smiles. "Because you're James Buchanan Barnes. Your moral compass is... abnormally high, your dramatisation levels are off the charts, and only someone of your stupidity would enlist me on a mission to stop a terrorist. But even then, that's who you are. You see the positivity in things, in me, so you need to see it in yourself."
He can't help but imagine Evelyn's proud smile, and finally, he cries.