The air was thick inside Jesse's car.
I wish we could have driven ourselves. I wish we hadn't gotten into that car accident earlier. I wish more than anything that we were in Clara's car instead, because at least we could have had an escape. We were at the mercy of Brett and Jesse now. They were in control of where we went and what time we left.
Our only stroke of luck came in the form that Brett was sitting in the front seat, so Clara and I were in the back by ourselves. I knew this was lucky, because I knew that Jesse's hand would be gripped around my bare leg if I was sitting beside him. I had objections to having my legs bare at all, but Clara convinced me to borrow this dress of hers. She told me Jesse would complain if I wore the same thing I wore to school, and I knew she was right.
He wouldn't just complain, he would be pissed at me. I know what happens when Jesse is pissed at me.
Jesse and Brett were laughing over the music they were blasting. They seemed so at ease, while I was counting down the minutes until I could go home and be alone in my bed. Clara wasn't happy, either. I could feel her unease in the way she was tapping her long, white acrylic nails against the back of her phone. She did a better job of hiding her feelings than I did. Her mouth wasn't formed into a tight line like mine was. Not that I think the boys would care if it was. They noticied the tension. I knew they noticed it. They just weren't bothered by our obvious displeasure in being around them.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as Jesse turned into the parking lot of the restaurant. It was packed, the way I knew it would be. Even on a Monday night at 9pm. There was a reason it was busy, the way it always is. The restaurant was small, and it was locally owned. The owners weren't strict about carding people for alcohol. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen them card anyone. Even when we first heard news of this place in our sophmore year, they didn't look twice when we ordered a beer. News quickly spread around our school, and it was one of the more popular places to hang out. No one cares that the food tastes like shit.
I heard Clara sigh beside me as Jesse put the car into park. It was silent suddenly as he turned the car off, and the music stopped playing. I looked over at Clara, hoping she could see in my eyes just how annoyed I was that we were here. From the sharp nod of her head that she gave me when our eyes met, I'm guessing she understood. In the next second, her mouth broke into a huge smile, her straight teeth on full display. Perfect timing, because Brett turned around in his seat to look at her.
"See? Its like old times." He said, looking at Clara. His eyes only travelled to me for a second, and the way that he looked at me was infinitely different than the way he looked at Clara. He looked at Clara like he already knew he had her under his thumb. He looked at me like he wasn't so sure what to expect from me.
"Yeah." Clara agreed in a higher than usual pitched voice. "That's what it feels like. We used to have a lot of fun together."
She wasn't lying about that. We did used to have fun. It seemed like another lifetime ago.
"Well, now that the gang is back together, we can go back to having that fun." Brett said, and it was weird how sweet his voice sounded. I wondered who he was trying harder to convince, us... or himself.
"That's what I was trying to tell you today, Lilly. There's no reason why we can't go back to the way things used to be." Jesse looked back to me from the driver's seat, his eyes scanning my body.
I guess what I was wearing was up to his standards, because he didn't shoot me the dirty look I knew he would if it wasn't. A smile formed on his twisted lips instead, and when his eyes finally moved up from where they had been fixated on my breasts, I could see he was in a good mood.
The fact that he was in a good mood was enough to ease some of my anxiety. Dealing with Jesse when he was in a good mood was so much easier than dealing with him when he was in a bad one. When he was in a good mood, he was almost easy to get along with. When he was in a good mood, he reminded me of the guy that I had fell for in the first place.
Jesse didn't wait for me to answer him before climbing out of the car and slamming the door behind him. He opened my door for me, extending his hand for me to take. I looked at it hesitantly. I didn't want to take it. I didn't want to touch him at all. Yet, I knew I would have to. Jesse wouldn't give me a choice. He never did.
So, reluctantly, I placed my hand in his, and climbed out the car. When I looked back at his face, I realized that he had been watching me, as he if was waiting to see what decision. I was going to make. I seemed to make the right one, because he was looking at me in a way that almost made butterflies erupt in my stomach.
Almost. Those butterflies might have flown wildly... if I didn't fucking hate his guts.
I could hear Brett talking to Clara as Jesse led me through the parking lot to the resturant. He was making small talk with her. He seemed almost anxious to please her, to make her feel like she was having a good time. His voice was gentle, and soft like he was trying to seem pleasant. It didn't surprise me. Brett had always been wildly in love with Clara. When he finally got her to agree to go out with him, he treated her the best he knew how. That's just Clara, though. She's impossible to hold on to. In fact, no one seems to be able to keep her in one place for long. But when Clara broke his heart... he changed. He wasn't a good guy anymore. He became more like Jesse.
Brett always tried to get Clara to come back to him. He had never succeeded, until now. Now that he had something to make her come back.
Jesse was silent as we walked into El Arrecife. The familiar smell hit my nostrils almost immediatley. The spices from the food being cooked in the back and the smell of cheap alochol that was being drained by teenagers all mixed as one. The music being sung in Spanish hit my ear drums. The way the lights were so dimmed that I had to take a minute to adjust my eyes. Immediatley, Jesse waved to the people that he knew. It looked like the majority of the football team was here, and suddenly, I doubted that this was a spontaneous outting. The way that Jesse pulled me into his side, his arm wrapping around my waist as he kissed my cheek confirmed that fact. We were here for show.
The hostess, who was wearing a dress so tight that I doubt she was able to breathe, led us to a secluded table in the back. Away from most of the teenagers who were drunk out of their minds, and away from the crowds of kids who were gathered around the two pool tables.
Jesse pulled out my chair, gesturing for me to sit down. I did just that, and when I looked back up towards him, I noticed the way his eyes were lingering on the hostess. He wasn't even trying to hide it. He dragged them up and down her body, and I cant be sure, but I'm almost positive he winked at her. She looked confused, her eyes darting between Jesse and I, like she was trying to figure out if he really had the nerve to so openly admire her while on a date with me.
"It's been a while since we all did this." Brett said almost immediatley once we were seated. Clara was across the table from me, her fingers fidgeting on the white tablecloth that was laid on the table. She was really trying to keep that smile plastered across her face, but I could see it faltering.
"It has." Clara agreed, snapping her fingers away from the table like she had just realized she was moving them awkwardly.
"Yep." I agreed, noticing that the tone of my voice was sharper than I intended it to be. Clara looked at my face immediatley, and sent me a warning with her eyes.
Jesse moved his hand to my thigh, gently widening his fingertips so he could touch the most amount of skin possible. A threat.
"I mean, yeah... it's been a while." I corrected myself, trying to brighten my tone.
"It's awesome that we've all decided to work things out. It will be like none of this ever happened." Brett said, and even though he said the words calmly, he glanced at Jesse and the two made eye contact.
I narrowed my eyes as I watched them, because it was like they were having a silent conversation with themselves. Almost like they were going over what they rehearsed to say. I quickly came to the conclusion that they assumed Clara and I had kept their threats of blackmail a secret from each other.
They were dumber than I thought.
"Speaking of..." Clara looked around our table, as if to make sure no one else was around, then she dropped her voice to a whisper. "that night. Have you heard anything? Any news? Anything we need to know?"
"No." Brett said immediatley, shaking his head. "Nothing new. My dad would have told me. You guys are doing what I asked you to do... right? Not checking the news or reading the articles about it? If we get pulled into questioning... any of us... we need to know as little about what they know as possible."
I nodded, and I noticed Clara did too. Brett had told us this a couple of weeks ago. He said our best defense was to be as genuinely clueless as possible, in case the police ever asked us questions. He didn't even have to tell me that, because I had been actively ignoring anything about what happened anyways.
The anxiety it gave me was enough to kill me, I'm pretty sure.
"Good." Brett chimed out, a smile returning to his face. "Let's stop talking about it."
"Exactly. I'm sick of talking about it." Jesse added, removing his hand from my thigh and throwing it over my shoulders. He used such forced to pull me close to him that my chair made a screeching noise as it moved along the floor. "Let's talk about how beautiful our girlfriends look tonight, instead."
I felt my eyes pull together at his use of the word girlfriend. Why did he not seem to understand that I wasn't, nor, will I ever be his girlfriend again? I hadn't even accepted his absurd proposal of thinking about getting back together until he had to physically intimidate me. I certainly never said I would be his girlfriend again.
I heard Brett respond, but I couldn't focus on his words because Jesse leaned in close to me. He was so close I could feel his breath on my neck, and I wanted to pull away, but I couldn't. I couldn't pull away because his hand was cluthed against the other side of my neck and it was holding me in place.
I closed my eyes as I felt his lips on my neck, he was kissing me. I didn't close my eyes in pleasure, as I'm sure he assumed from the way I felt his lips turn up in a smile against my skin. I closed them in disgust. I could hear Brett and Clara talking. I couldn't make out their words because the only thing my mind was focusing on, was Jesse's lips on my skin. I had promised myself those lips would never touch me again.
My breath was shaky as I pulled the air into my lungs. Using all the strength in my body, I pulled away from Jesse. I barely heard his curse of obvious displeasure as I quickly stood up from the wooden chair and walked back towards the entrance.
I kept my eyes ahead of me, ignoring the obvious stares of our classmates. I was even able to ignore the stares from the perverts who come here because they know its full of drunk teenagers. I was able to ignore them all because my mind was too preoccupied with the disgust I felt with myself for
allowing Jesse to touch me like that, again.
The air was cold as I burst through the doors. I stopped to breathe it in, feeling the chill as it nipped the warm skin in my throat. I took a couple of deep breaths, simply trying to calm myself down.
"Lilly, what the fuck was that?" Jesse's voice said as I heard the door behind me open and close again. I should have known he would follow me. I should have known.
"Do you fucking realize how embarassing that was for me? Following you out passed all those people who know who we are, like it was the clearest fucking thing in the world that we had just fought in public? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jesse continued, and I know his voice had completley crossed over into that dangerous zone. I had to be wise with my words now.
I turned to face him, trying to keep my face as impassive as possible. "I'm just not ready for all that, Jesse. I didn't even agree to be your girlfriend again. I'm not ready to be kissing in public."
Jesse laughed, and the sound gave me chills. Not in a good way, like when you hear a beautiful voice singing. It gave me the kind of chills you get when you have a deathly fever.
"Grow the fuck up, Lilly. Are you serious? You've been fucked by half the guys in the school... yet you're uncomfortable with your boyfriend kissing your neck. Are you fucking five years old? This is ridiculous." Jesse snapped at me, before he took a breath like he was trying to control his temper.
Probably because we were in public, and he had forgotten that fact.
Jesse held out his hand. "Just come back inside, Lilly. Stop acting like this."
"No." I shook my head, turning my body away from him, "I'll come back in when I'm ready."
I just needed a couple of minutes to compose myself. I just needed a couple of minutes to convince my body to go along with these lies.
Jesse narrowed his eyes, before he suddenly moved towards me. He grabbed my arm, and I knew I was going to have to hide the tiny fingerprint bruises his touch was going to leave.
"Get inside the fucking restaurant." He gritted out, through a tensed jaw.
I opened my mouth to protest, but the words never left my mouth because someone else spoke instead.
"Lillac." He said my name firmly. "Are you okay?"