M E G A N M O O R E
When the plane touched down in England, I took a deep breath as I took in the feeling of dread that was in the pit of my stomach. The miserable English weather wasn't helping, the rain made me feel even bleaker than I already did. Once I could get some water, I was quick to buy some and take some pain killers to deal with the pain in my back. I got a taxi back home, somewhere I didn't want to be, there I dumped my bags before taking the taxi to my mother's care home.
Entering her room, I was horrified to see how she was. Her body looked old and frail as she laid in her bed, tubes were surrounding her and she was no longer able to support herself. Keeley placed a hand on my shoulder as I sat in the chair beside the bed. "She's not in any pain," her words were supposed to be a comfort to me but I didn't feel any easier knowing this.
I closed my eyes as I leaned my head on the side of the bed and took my mother's hand in mine. I listened as the door closed, signalling I was alone since Keeley had taken her hand away as soon as I leaned forward. "Why now, mum?" I asked as I felt the tears filling my eyes. I knew she couldn't answer me, I didn't even know if she could hear me. "I love you," I mumbled as I squeezed her hand. "I love you so much."
As much as I had been away from her, working and just doing me, I knew she was there. My mother had been struggling for some time and she was in the best place for her but I did miss her. Being here right now with her was bittersweet. I felt like I had only come to visit her because it was her last few moments, it had been so long since I last saw her and it felt dreadful. The guilt inside of myself was bubbling at the surface, enough to make me want to scratch at my throat and eyes.
"I should have been here," I told her as I kept my head down. The tears had started to flow now, running down my face and falling to the bedding. "I shouldn't have taken this new job," I tried to reason with myself. There was so much I could have done differently but all routes would eventually lead to this. "I wish I could take your place," I turned my head and looked up at her. "You can't leave me. I have so many questions. I can't do this without you."
There was a rattle on the door before it opened, I turned to look, dropping my mum's hand as I wiped my face. "Miss Moore," the man said as he entered. I could tell he was a doctor from what he was wearing but it didn't make me feel any better about the situation. "We have to talk about what happens next."
"Next?" I repeated the word before I glanced at my lifeless mother. I knew what he meant but I wasn't ready to admit it. My eyes returned to the doctor as I shook my head.
He put his hands into the pockets of his white coat. "You don't need to make my decisions right now, Miss Moore." He gave me a sad smile, "Take your time."
I looked back at my mother, I knew that time was definitely something I didn't have.
XOXOX
Returning to my home, I locked the door ignoring all the post that seemed to be piling up for me. There was no reason for me to stay there over night with her, I couldn't do it. I needed to get somewhere to get some privacy. Once I had managed to drag myself into my bed, I took some more pills to try to rid my aching body of the pain that it seemed to riddled with. The crying and talking today had not done my throat any good and being hunched over the bed had knackered my back even more.
I laid on my bed knowing I would have to inform my sister of the latest on our mother. Pulling my phone from my bag, I saw it was swarming with texts and missed calls. I cleared it all before I dialled the number for the prison my sister was being held in, I was transferred to the warden who I gave the news to, I knew the information would be passed on accordingly. I couldn't help but wonder if Natalie would try to come and see her, if she would apply for some kind of day release. I knew from her record that she would not get it though, her reasons for being inside were too much of a danger to the public. Given her recent behaviour towards me at the last visitation, I knew that it was never going to happen.
Swiping through my phone, I looked at my texts. Sebastian had sent me a text telling me he was thinking of me. There was several from Karyn and other members of the team. I didn't reply to any of them, I couldn't do it. Getting the word to my sister was hard enough, as much as I didn't think she deserved to know, it wasn't for her, it was for our mother.
The pain was creeping back as I laid face up on my bed. All of the people who could help me were currently out of the country. I didn't want to burden any of those people with my problems especially since they couldn't help me.
In these moments, all I could think about was seeing Sebastian though. Laying with him and being held by him, the comfort he brought me by being close.