I sat at the table well after everyone had gone back to bed. I couldn't wrap my head around how or why Lee had made me forget. I had over stepped the mark with him. I knew what his mother had said about 'one not being able to resist the other' and I knew in my mind that although I was attracted to Lee, as anyone would be, he was my sisters brother in law and it just made it feel wrong, like I somehow I was betraying her memory.
I couldn't believe I did that, it was so unlike me and how the hell I could ignore the fact that Suri was ill and under the same roof as I jumped her fathers bones... it just doesn't make sense. My moral compass would never allow that to happen. Maybe the sleep deprivation and loneliness of being a mum to three orphans, whilst mourning my sister, and trying to find my feet had made me act irrationally.
As if life wasn't complicated enough, I now had another little life to take into consideration and be scared for. That is if the stress I was under already didn't make me miscarry. A horrific fleeting thought of 'maybe that would be for the best' passed through my mind. I couldn't stop the tears that had been falling for the past ten minutes or so. Rolling one after another down my cheeks and just when I thought they were stopping I would remember why they had started, and cry again.
What had started them off? Being pregnant? No. Not remembering having sex with Lee? No. Feeling like I had betrayed Suri by taking advantage of her father whilst she lay ill in bed? Partly. The main reason. My sister April was not here for me to turn to. She was not going to become an auntie. We wouldn't meet for coffee and have fat babies sitting in the highchairs giggling at us or go shopping for baby clothes, discuss names, how big my bump was getting and how terrifying the childbirth stories were at my birthing class. She couldn't tell me what I had gotten myself into or should I say what she has got herself into, which cost her and her husband their lives, and very nearly the children. I couldn't hide behind her when Lee and I came face to face or when his parents hit the roof because he is due to marry Stephanie, let alone who ever else got involved in this mad world I had come to call home.
The soundtrack to my life played in my mind 'Mad World'. I had liked the song before and now it's haunting melody and lyrics resonated too much with my life to hold anything but contempt.
I just want out. I want to grab my bag and run. I want my old life back. Cheating boyfriend and all. That I could deal with. This... this was far too much for just my shoulders to carry.
I sat at the table, head resting on my folded arms. I decided that it was time to speak to my mother; I hadn't spoken to her since my sister died and she should know she was going to become a grandmother again. I dialled the number on my mobile and waited. She would be up for work so the chances of her answering were good.
"Hello," she answered in a sing song voice.
"Hi mum," I said trying to sound just as happy.
"Lisa! I was just about to call you. I've got the day off work to finalise some things. Your father and I were thinking of arranging your wedding reception at that big manor house you like. Apparently they are hosting weddings now and yours will be the first after the refurb..."
"Mum it's Mae," I said as she rattled off at high speed, her voice full of excitement.
"Who?" she asked.
"Mae..." I repeated my voice breaking as she didn't recognise me. "Your daughter," I said into the handset.
"Oh Mae, look sweetheart I don't have time to speak right now, I am getting ready for work. Perhaps you could call back later..."
"Well a minute ago when you thought I was Lisa you said you have the day off work."
"Oh... erm well it's not the best time to call. I am..."
".. too busy arranging Lisa's wedding to talk to your own daughter for two minutes. I need to talk to my mother, I'm your daughter not her," I said and burst into tears.
"Look sweetie I know you are missing your sister. We all are..."
"No you are not! You are happy as a pig in shit arranging Lisa's wedding. You wouldn't even attend April's or arrange the funeral. Let alone sit with the babies so I could go..."
"I didn't want to watch the babies die. They are better off now they are in heaven..."
"They are not dead mum, they survived! I sent you pictures."
"Oh I'll have another look later and see if I can find the envelope they came in. I am sure I haven't thrown it out."
I rolled my eyes and tried not to scream down the phone.
"Look I have to go Mae. Take care."
"MUM, WAIT!" I all but yelled.
"Hurry up Mae I haven't got all day," she said anxious to get away.
"I'm pregnant," I said quickly and felt a dread fill my body.
"Oh for goodness sake Mae, you couldn't call with good news could you? It is always bloody drama. Well you'll have to get rid of it. You're not cut out to be a mother. You haven't got a maternal bone in your body. Do you know who the father is? I bet he is married or engaged. You and April are as bad as each other when it comes to men. Well I haven't got any money to give you for an abortion..."
"Mum!" I yelled.
"No Mae I don't have time to listen to this. You made your own bed and got yourself pregnant in it. You are on your own. I have too much to contend with here without all your nonsense. You are totally irresponsible just like your sister. If she had learnt to keep her knickers on and not go sneaking into bed with some other womans fiancé then she would be alive today as opposed to rotting in the ground with him..."
A hand took the phone from my hand. I looked up to see Uncle as he turned it off. I rushed off to the toilet so as not to deal with the 'you have a shit mother looks' I hate that.
"Mae, I'll be here if you need me," Uncle said through the door.
"Thank you," I sniffled before going back to crying quietly as I sat on the toilet floor. Since my sister died I had become overly acquainted with them and this had to be the coldest. I was shivering before long so took myself back out to the table where Uncle had a cup of tea waiting and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders.
"You really should be getting some rest Mae. Punishing yourself with calls to that woman is not good for you or the baby," he said.
I didn't say anything as I sipped the tea and hugged the blanket to me.
"Your sister rang her about the wedding and thought if she had it here your mother would attend just so she could brag to her friends."
I smiled as it was a good plan.
"Your mother was just as cold to her. In fact I think you got a warmer reception. You must be the favourite even though you were the one dating a black man," Uncle teased.
I laughed at the absurdity of it. "Paul wasn't even Black he is Asian. His mother is a white, half jew and his father is half Asian with an Irish mother. He tans quickly and hit the sun beds at the gym as she is a poser and had the 'footballer' look."
Uncle grinned.
"My mother the racist. She would deny it but she hated that I was prone to dating 'men of colour' as she put it. I just date people I find attractive and don't judge them on their heritage. She called me the 'rainbow child' for dating every colour and asked if I found my favourite flavour yet," I said shaking my head at the memory. "She even lectured me on how I would be spat at in the street if people saw a white girl with a little brown baby so not to get pregnant. Oh and according to her once you've slept with a black man no white man would go near you. It didn't stop her asking if the rumour was true about black men being well endowed which my sister found hilarious. She was also of the opinion that black men just wanted a white girl to prove they could have sex with one, like a status symbol but would eventually leave me for a black woman. Her friend Marcy was even worse and said all the black men she knew beat their wives, spent all their money and cheated. And that all the black women she knows are mouthy and treat their husbands like shit. Marcy doesn't actually know any black people she is just a racist liar. Admittedly my last boyfriend was a cheating bastard but that was because he was a good looking, well endowed, sex addict with a sports car and wallet full of cash. A player!"
"Sex addict hey!" Uncle replied with a raised eyebrow.
"Yep them were the days! Well the days when I remembered having sex and enjoying it. Even though Paul was mixed race my mother always referred to him as that black man you are seeing or as Marcy said 'are you still dating that darkie?' My mother looked almost apologetic for her friend but soon found something else to talk about. Like how fit his body was and how perfect lips were."
"Hypocrites," he replied.
"Yeah and god knows what she would be saying now if she knew I was in a house of 'non humans'," I teased.
"Ooo maybe we should tell her just to see her face when she realises her grandchildren are superior to her and her daughters have fornicated with non humans," he grinned ear to ear at the thought.
"Haha I will leave that pleasure to you as I want nothing to do with her," I said having decided that she was dead to me and was not going to keep playing second fiddle to her new husbands kids and being pushed into the shadows as though I was a dirty secret.
"How do you feel about Lee?" Uncle asked changing the subject.
I shrugged.
"Do you love him?"
I shook my head "Not love as 'in love', I care for him and he is a good friend."
"Do you know what your being pregnant with his child means?"
"That he is going to be angry with me," I said and nearly cried again.
Uncle moved around to put his arm around me. "Hormones," he teased making me laugh again. "The reason I asked about your feelings for Lee is that now you are with child and Stephanie is faking her own death, Lee is in a sort of limbo where should you find three people to back your claim to him as the father of your child. You could marry Lee in her place."
I was shocked to have it confirmed but I had guessed I may have some involvement now I was his babies mother.
"I don't think Lee wants to get married to anyone and I don't want to take Stephanies place as the person he is forced to marry," I replied. "Marriage should be because you love the person and want to spend your life with them not because you go all cave woman and club him over the head and drag him off to your cave."
Uncle threw his head back laughing. "I believe it was the men who clubbed the women but yes Lee has been getting a bit of a bashing lately."
We both giggled.
"Would you be able to stand by and watch Lee marry Stephanie knowing you may have been able to stop it?"
"No," I said as I pictured him watching her walking down the aisle to him. Duty bound but hating her.
"Will you marry him to stop her?"
"No," I replied. "I want him to marry someone he is love with. I want him to be excited about the wedding, plan his life with her, look at her like she is the most gorgeous woman on the planet as she walks down the aisle to him. Not all this other bullshit. I want him to be happy."
"Do you not think you can make him happy?"
"Not like that. He doesn't love me. We are friends. If we got married it would be a catastrophe and ruin our friendship. I never wanted to get married and my parents marriage was a shambles so I have a sort of phobia of them and avoid at all costs. My sisters was the only one I was looking forward to and I missed it. I wanted to watch her husbands face as she walked down the Aisle but marriages in our family are cursed and I missed it."
"It was recorded," Uncle reminded me.
"Lee told me but I can't bear to see my sister at the moment," I let out a deep breath to try not to burst into 'my sister is dead' tears. "I've let her down."
"You have far from let her down. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for Mae."
I smiled at the compliment.
"If the roles were reversed, say you had married Lee and both lost your lives. Would your sister have cared for your children? Taken in Suri? Looking from the outside in how would you say your sister would feel about Glenn and would she marry him to stop Stephanie getting her hooks into him?"
"Reverse Psychology," I said sipping my tea.
"Or should your sister be alive and you had still taken on Suri for Lee whilst he married Stephanie what then? All so your sister could marry Glenn."
I shrugged.
"What if you had met Lee at the wedding and got on like a house on fire. Had a little fling and he wanted to be with you. Would you fight for him then?"
"Well yes because he would be my boyfriend or lover but not marrying him so I can stick two fingers up to Stephanie. It may seem like a quick fix now but in the long run it would be a disaster. He would meet someone fall in love and want to be with her. Then it would be 'hey I'm having an affair' and I would feel like the spare wheel. It's far too soap opera for me."
Uncle chuckled. "I know you don't want to see the wedding video but I don't think you have been told that your sister left you a message on it. It is only on your copy."
My heart lurched, "How do you know?" I asked tears filling my eyes.
"I filmed it," Uncle replied.
"What did she say?" I asked barely able to speak as a ball of grief stuck in my throat.
"It was about Lee," he replied. "I am not going to tell you, you will have to watch it but it was important to her. It is essentially the last thing she will ever get to say to you so I am not going to spoil it. It's quite obvious that you haven't even started to deal with the fact that she is gone and you are alone in your grief. No one can cry this many tears in such a short amount of time unless they have been holding them in." He nodded towards my tear soaked cheeks as more followed. "Your mother is obviously not going to help you and your father isn't either. You and April relied on each other and like all mortals you live under the illusion you are immortal until the world reminds you otherwise. You need to listen to the message."
I was desperate to see it but terrified at the same time as I hadn't been able to look at anything to do with my sister since she died.
"I'll fetch it," he said and left the room.
I took several deep breaths to try to stop myself from crying. Part of me was excited to see what she had to say, desperate to see her face, hear her voice say my name and the other part was terrified as it meant seeing her. Knowing she was talking to me and would soon be dead and I couldn't help her or warn her.
"Here we go," Uncle replied returning with a tablet. "You just need to press play. You can watch the wedding another time when you are ready. I also have the funeral recorded but that was only because you couldn't attend and I wanted you to have the opportunity to see how beautiful their send off was and get some closure."
I was stunned. Everything I had wanted to see, felt I had missed out on and he had it on tape. I lunged forward and hugged him.
"Most people wouldn't want to see a funeral but I really feel like I let her down by not being there."
"Don't be silly, you were with her babies. If you had died and she didn't make it to your funeral because she was looking after this little one would you care?" he asked nodding to my baby.
I shook my head. "I suppose not," I replied blowing out a deep breath, as the reminder I was pregnant was still hard to believe.
He held out the tablet and pressed the screen.
"Wedding gossip message for Mae," was written on the screen ready for me to press play. I took a deep breath, a gulp of my tea and grabbed a tissue ready.
"Do you want me to press it?" Uncle asked a minute later as I sat staring at it.
I realised I was frozen, I couldn't move as I was so scared to see it and yet so desperate.
His hand reached out and pressed play.