(25/04/19)
HARRY'S P.O.V
The drive home was awful. Tears of anguish and agony streamed down my cheeks as they blurred my vision, turning the roads red with the shade of the streetlights. I couldn't stop gripping the steering wheel, knuckles turning an awful shade of white as I did so.
But that wasn't even the worst night since Nixie and I decided to go on a break.
I think the worst was when I was in Italy last week. I had poured alcohol down my throat relentlessly, sighing in relief as the effects wore on my brain. It was the first time since that night that I felt so close happiness. Maybe too close for my own good.
I pull open the car door weakly, feeling my skin slip away from the metal easily. I gasp in surprise, staring down at my hands as I touch the door again, feeling the strange sensation all over. A laugh erupts from my stomach. Why is this so funny?
"Harry, let's go..." Sarah ushers me into the taxi, a hand on my shoulder.
"Why..." I whine, still sitting down. "It's only three in the morning..."
"Exactly."
"Fun sponge." I smirk to myself, looking out of the window as we start driving.
Sarah and Charlotte make small talk with the driver, who seems like a very nice man. He's wearing a green polo shirt that brings out his flushed cheeks, and a backwards baseball cap. There's a questionable team emblem on it though so I don't compliment it. Instead, I raise my chin just a bit higher.
Then, I feel the weight resting in my hands, held tightly by my fingers. It's my phone. The pink phone case makes me blink a few times, seeming so illuminated in this weird lighting. I tap my password into it stupidly. My fingertips hit the screen, and I stifle a giggle at the noise. Sarah looks at me questioningly.
"It sounds funny." I beam.
Why is everything funny suddenly?
I start scrolling through the photos we took, all neon club lights and guitar close ups and a photo of a fish in its tank, for some reason. It's a cool fish. It has icy blue scales and wide smiling eyes a shade of black so dark they're like stone.
I reach the photos from a few weeks ago with Nixie. I smile, my heart dropping ever so slightly. My skin feels warmer.
I find the photos from when we first met. Then the ones from San Francisco. Then Paris. Paris seems too long ago now. We should go again!
It only takes a few seconds before I'm dialing Nix's phone number, heart thumping in my chest and my lungs gasping for air. My mind is spinning with her sunshine and smiles, and how she makes me feel. Or, made me feel.
Is this a good idea?
The phone starts ringing, making me hold it back from my ear. It's so loud. Louder than I thought it would be. It vibrates on my skin, a yellow-orange glow passing onto my hand from the picture of Nix and I on the screen. We're both smiling as waves crash behind us on the sand. Unknown to my phone, as the flash clicked for this photo, I poked my finger into her side to make her smile for real. Then she hit me. Jokingly, of course.
Then, the ringing ceases. I hear her voice.
"Harry?"
"Nix?" I frown.
I hear her pause through the line, pacing back and forth in her house. She seems to sit down, as I hear her feet stop and the familiar lull of the birds outside chirping happily in the sun. A wave of emotion hits me, enveloping any drunken thoughts I had just a second ago and making me want to cry. I want to cry. I want her back.
But I know we agreed to take a break.
"Is everything okay?" She asks, only a murmur.
"Yes."
A moment of silence passes. I can't tell if it's a comfortable one, or if it's so far from that. My mind feels foggy.
"Are you okay?"
Tears brim at my eyes, and I turn so that my face is completely staring out of the window. I squeeze my eyes closed to stop the tears from pouring out, instead mustering a deep exhale to stop my trembling lips. There are so many words I want to say right now.
"No. Not really..." I admit shakily. "I miss you so much, Nix. I miss you more than ever. I need you now. I want to go home, but you're my home, and you don't need me." I start crying, chest rising and falling heavily.
"Where are you?"
"In a taxi. I'm going to my hotel," I whisper. "We're in Italy for a week, doing some more writing for the album."
"Is anyone else with you?"
"Sarah and Charlotte, yeah. They're nice."
"I know, they're my friends, remember?" She laughs gently.
I frown, memories dawning on me. I can imagine Nixie holding my hand and telling me it will all be okay at this moment, but she isn't here. It's just my imagination. Doesn't that hurt? How much did I drink? It goes quiet.
"Do you miss me too?" I bite my lip.
The pause that follows is too silent, like all of the Earth's noise has been put on mute. The car stops at a red light. Sarah and Charlotte are still talking to the driver. Why hasn't Nix answered?
"Nix?"
"Yeah, sorry, I..." I hear her regaining her breathing pace, voice shaky as she speaks quietly. "I miss you so much, Harry. I really, really miss you."
"Then why can't we stop this break?" I sob, gritting my teeth to stop the noise.
"Because it will be good for us. We both have things to do, and projects to finish right now and being together wasn't helping that. I know it hurts. It almost feels like I'm dying at times from how much I want to be with you. But it isn't permanent, remember? I promise..."
"Promise? Because I don't know what I'll do if we break this one as well, Nixie, I really don't-"
"Harry, baby, I promise...I promise..."
Part of me fills with joy that she still calls me that, whilst the other half sinks with an uneasy and uncomfortable feeling. It almost feels like guilt. Why is that?
"Are you still wearing the ring? The ruby one?"
"Yes, of course," She laughs genuinely. "Are you still wearing yours?"
"Of course." I smile, heart full.
We sit in peace, not talking but not wanting to talk either. The Italian streets race by, different colours of peach and white with a variety of blue doors. Eventually, I hear Nixie stand up, sighing in content.
"I have to go now. I can talk to you soon though, if you'd like?"
"Yeah, that would be good," I smile, before hesitating. "I love you, Nix... I love you."
"I love you, Harry. Get some sleep." She says, hanging up.
Even though it was only a week ago, it feels like too long. But I did call her again, on the Wednesday that followed. And again on Thursday. I saw a vase of sunflowers at the studio that someone brought in, and they reminded me of us in Paris.
Now, I'm walking through the strangely narrow hallways of Shangri La Studios in California, a pretty house-like building, secretly loving it as the sunshine bursts through the open windows accompanied by a beachy breeze. It hits my chest through the thin blue tank top I'm wearing, travelling down to my bare knees, uncovered by my shorts. I feel very summery today.
I'm fully intending on running down to the small beach down the hill after we finish, whatever time that might be. If I'm lucky, I'll get to fulfill my life dream of swimming under the stars.
I knock three times before entering, an upbeat rap. Mitch swivels in his spinning chair with a grin, and Adam pokes his tongue out at me. Sarah waves from the drum kit without looking up, and Charlotte bounces over to embrace me. We're back together. All of us.
"Hello hello hello!" I grin, plopping down on an orange beanbag.
"Hey H, you ready?" Adam asks cheekily.
"As I'll ever be!"
"Let's hear some of these songs!" Charlotte jumps on the floor next to me, smiling excitedly.
"Okay, so I did a recording of a few just on like, voice memos so the quality obviously isn't great. But it's good enough-"
"Okay, brilliant, wonderful, amazing. Let's get going!"
"Alright, chill out!" I laugh at Mitch, pressing play.
The song I wrote at home after returning from Holmes Chapel starts to echo in the room, the happy guitar a contrast to the slightly sad lyrics that are disguised in a pretty melody. I observe hesitantly as my friend's faces change. They all look engaged in the song, so that's good.
"Just let me adore you, like it's the only thing I'll ever do..."
The recording stops, my raspy tired voice going silent. I was so tired when I did this. I snatch my phone from the ground, taking a breath when I look to see Adam clapping enthusiastically. Mitch reaches over to give me a fistbump.
"So you like it?"
"Fucking hell yes. If that's that good, I'm excited for the others." He nods, thin smile stretching into a smirking grin.
"Okay, this is the next one. I personally like it more than that last one, so, you know..." I stop talking, my hands waving around in the air.
Sarah laughs as the gentle strumming pattern of the song I've decided to call 'Cherry' begins. It's quiet, and delicate. If I record it, I'd want the guitar to be louder, but still have the same sense of tranquility. Charlotte exhales excitedly, leaning forward to hear my voice better. I sound quite nasally, sadly. It will do.
"Does he take you walking 'round his parents gallery?" My voice sings out desperately, breaking a bit before the guitar comes in again more powerfully.
Mitch breathes out in what I would like to think is awe, looking at me with raised eyebrows of impressment. I smile at the ground. The song goes for another minute before ceasing, fading quickly. The lyrics still hurt to hear. It's like touching a wound that has scabbed over, but hasn't fully healed just yet.
"Holy shit, Harry..." Adam laughs, tackling me in a hug.
"That one is going on the album. No way it isn't." Sarah nods as Charlotte agrees.
"Is it about-"
"Yes, Mitchell, it is. Most of them are." I smirk.
"Most?"
"All of them," I correct myself with a guilty grin. "But I was emotional and it was good inspiration!" I defend.
"You still are emotional- Ow!"
Mitch yelps as I grab him in a headlock, rubbing my knuckle against his temple with a laugh. I've missed these moments of acting like complete children with my best friends, both of us howling with laughter as Sarah smacks us on the back of the head.
An hour later, we're gathered around a series of computers that show multiple layered vocal tracks and instruments, picking out which track is the best vocal-wise. I don't know why we can't just keep them all, and layer them on top of one another, but I'm leaving it up to Jeff.
I just hope it still sounds like 'Cherry'. Because it's my song. And it's a special one to me.
I take a sip of the orange juice I brought with me in my bottle, retrieving my phone and journal from my bag at the same time. My journal is still littered with the same random drawings and lyrics as it was a year ago, with me not being bothered to get a new one or wipe the copious amount of ink away.
I flip to the last page I wrote on, the corner being dog-eared and compressed. It looks quite pathetic. I read the lyrics quietly under my breath, tapping out a rhythm on the floor beside me whilst I take another sip of juice.
*play canyon moon by harry styles*
Quick pause in conversation
She plays songs I've never heard
An old lover's hippie music
Pretends not to know the words
And I keep thinking back to
A time under the canyon moon
"I'll be gone too long, from you..." I hum, creating a drumming sound with my finger tips.
Mitch walks away from the computers to sit next to me, sighing as he does so. I smile at him, grabbing a pen and scribbling something down on the page.
"What have you got there?"
"It's a verse. A bridge, maybe. I don't know. But I like it, and I think it could be a happier, upbeat song than 'Cherry'," I breathe out, leaning back on my forearms. "Here. See what you think."
Mitch takes my scabby old journal in his hand, eyebrows furrowing as he reads the words scrawled in black ink. He tilts his head to the side and nods in approval.
"Yeah, I like this. You could maybe do like, a repetition type thing for the chorus instead of different lines. Like just one line repeated."
"Yeah that would work." I agree, and begin to write.
I pick up the slightly battered acoustic guitar, tracing my finger over an age old dent in its side. This guitar is probably older than me. You could assume so from the designs around the centre, depicting varieties of flowers and vines.
I start to strum again, singing hushly under my breath, Mitch nodding and tapping along to the rhythm. It's much faster than the other songs. I feel my memories pulse through my blood in excited streams as a memory comes into mind, the same one I wrote the verse to.
I start twirling my hips and dancing stupidly to the quick pace of the song that echoes through the red glowing canyon, bouncing off the sunkissed rocks as I jump around to the beat. I don't know what the song is called. But it sounds fun.
Nixie laughs, running over to join me. Before she reaches me, she joins in on my dancing, moving her hips and arms so elegantly somehow. She looks like an angel when the sun hits her, illuminating her already glowing skin and bringing out the highlights in her hair. We must look mad as we dance together. I don't have a care in the world right now.
"What song is this?" I shout over the music.
"Big yellow taxi! It's good, isn't it?"
I grab her wrists laughing as she starts singing louder, pulling her into me and twirling her around like we're in a ballroom. I don't care who's watching us. My eyes fall on Nixie's beautiful lips as she smiles, revealing her pearly white teeth. I don't think I could get tired of that smile.
It's like the world disappears when I'm with her.
"How do you know this song?"
"My music taste varies on how I'm feeling." She answers proudly, chin raised.
"So you were feeling like an old hippie the day you found this song?"
I smile to myself, remembering the moment. Looking back, I fell so much deeper into Nixie's love every time I was with her. She's like an addiction, something that you can never get enough of. It's not a bad thing. I don't think so, at least. Maybe I'm just clouded by my love for her.
"You gotta see it to believe it, sky never looked so blue. It's so hard to leave it, but that's what I always do, so I keep thinking back to a time under the canyon moon..."
Mitch makes me laugh as he whistles in a cartoon-like manner, pursing his lips and going wide-eyed. My eyes crinkle at the edges with my laughs, my strumming halting for a second. He urges me on.
"La la la la... uh what next?" I ask him.
"You could go into the chorus?"
"Yeah I'll work on that for now. I'll figure something out later. I think the first verse needs to be a bit longer."
"What about a refrain, instead of a chorus? Then it could move quicker to go better with the pace of the song?" Mitch suggests.
"Yeah yeah yeah! Shit that would work Mitchell!"
"I know that's why I suggested it." He laughs, making me join in.
I hand him the guitar, standing up and walking around in circles, pacing with the fast train of my thoughts. I can feel it, I know what I want to say. But I don't know how to say it. I want to say that Nixie is my home.
"Do you think just saying 'I'll be gone too long from you' would work as a refrain? Or is it too straight forward?" I ponder, a hand on my hip.
"You only know if you try it."
I shrug in agreement, listening as Mitch starts to play the same tune as before. It definitely reminds me of the canyon. It has the same upbeat, dance-tune-like feel as 'Big Yellow Taxi'. I wait for the note change where the verse would drop off, and sing it.
"I'll be gone, too long, from you..."
Mitch grins, giving a thumbs up. I wave my hand, gesturing for him to continue as inspiration strikes me again. I feel as though I'm flooding with the rare spark lately, every thought pooling with emotion and a need to write.
"Staring at the ceiling, two weeks and I'll be home," I chuckle as Charlotte and Adam begin clapping on beat to my singing. "I'll carry the feeling, through Paris all through Rome, but I'm still thinking back to a time under the canyon moon..."
I can confirm that Paris is the city where love flourishes.
By now, I'm dancing on the spot, wiggling my arms and legs as Adam joins in the melody with simple chords, and Sarah taps on the drums. It's magical. And so happy.
I'm going home...
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