Chapter 20
7 December 2018
I wake up to a buzz in my ear and face the regret head on, when I realize I forgot to put it on silent last night. I open the separate text chains one by one.
From Tiwari:
You always do this. Whenever shit gets rough, you push people away. You try to hurt them so they would leave, unable to keep up with you. And then you cry about people leaving you.
From Beta:
Morning!
I've got 'All of Me' stuck in my head today. Please expect to have it yelled in your ear all day.
Speaking of, I don't think we can hang out today ☹
From Pari to Nandu, Monku and Me:
Guysssssss... panipuri todayyyyyy!!!! MAJOR craving!
From Monku to Nandu, Pari and Me:
I knew she would be the first one to get knocked up out of you three.
I pull my blanket up to my head and groan into the pillow when I feel something wet and sticky on my feet. I retract my leg up and suddenly feel a ball of white fur pawing at my face. I try to enclose myself in the blanket but she starts digging at the mattress.
"Kids, wake her up!" Mom shouts from the other room in a rather delighted voice.
I hear a low growl near my feet again and then Brownie jumps up on the bed, while barking at me. I poke my head out of the blanket and she smiles at me, her tongue hanging out. She then immediately starts pulling the blanket by her teeth and bites my leg along with it. I yelp and she tilts her head adorably in confusion, her left ear flopping. I grin at her and she tilts her head the other way.
Angel uses that opportunity to launch onto my face and starts licking, all the while Brownie pulls away my blanket. I finally get off the bed and look for my slippers and find Jingle holding one of them in her mouth and growling at me. I try to take it from her and she growls at me, still smiling.
Knowing that it's a lost cause to fight her, I go to the kitchen with a single slipper on my feet and open the cabinet to retrieve their morning treats. I turn back to see all three of them giving me extra happy smiles and the patent puppy eyes.
"Jingle, you're seven years old! You're not still a puppy!"
She closes her mouth and glares at me as if she understood the dig but smiles again as I brandish the treats in my hand. I'm suddenly hit with triple forces of Doggo Stare and honestly, there are worse ways to wake up.
*******
Samar and Avi are arguing about something in hushed voices – just Samar though, Avi is physically incapable of whispering—as I approach them. They immediately straighten as they spot me and I walk over as Avi says, "Morning , hotness."
"Morning." I poke Samar's bicep (which not-so-surprisingly is not just a pale bone. Seriously, why do I even bother being surprised anymore?) "Morning to you too, John Legend."
He grins at me and tries to ruffle my hair as I swat his hand away. We start walking towards the food court for breakfast as Avi suddenly chirps, "You remember it's Puri's birthday tomorrow?"
Samar and I groan in unison as Avi laughs. Avi and I get seated at a table while Samar goes to get us food. Like he always does. The fact that dude keeps feeding me is not helping my case.
Avi whispers (attempts) to me, "He's probably worried that he'll have to gift her Victoria's Secret now."
I chuckle as Samar joins us, frowning. "Shut up. Seriously!"
He pulls a chair next to me and dumps the plates in front of us. "You have got to learn how to whisper. I'm just worried what will happen on my--" He pulls out his phone and unlocks it as my eyes bug out. Wait—did he—NO.
"Hold on! Unlock it again."
He stutters and tries to shrug, appearing casual. It is NOT working. "Why..?"
I harden my face and demand of him, "Unlock it again."
"My fingerprint scanner doesn't work."
"Use the pattern like you just did."
He locks his phone using the switch and then reawakens the screen. He slides his thumb across the screen, making the pattern that unlocks his phone. It's all normal. Regular stuff, right? Except, his pattern is distinctly familiar.
"Is that an 'A'?"
"What..?"
"Your unlock pattern. It makes an 'A'." What. The. Hell..
"Does it? I didn't realise. I don't use it that much."
"You just said your fingerprint scanner doesn't work!"
"I... Avi! What the hell! Back me up here!"
The idiot is just sitting here, digging into his plate of samosas, drenching them in extra chutney.
"You're on your own, Bhaiyya."
"I'll remember that the next time you need me to bail you out."
"I told you this would happen! I didn't realize it would even take this long, to be honest! She's smarter than the average person!"
"Not in this case, she isn't!"
"Guys, I'm right here!" I yell and they both freeze instantly.
"Told you" Avi mumbles to his samosas while Samar looks at me guiltily.
Oh satan. How could I have missed this!? How could I not know!? The signs were always there! I just kept missing them! I asked him and he even denied! But of course, he still has feelings! Of course, he denied! How did I not figure it out earlier!?
"You really do love Puri, don't you?" I almost whisper to him.
He frowns at me and Avi spits out his samosa.
"What?"
"You love her! Enough to set her initial as your password! Dude, I'm so sorry! All the jokes and stuff! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or such. I'm really sorry! It does change the entire perspective if you actually love her! I didn't know and made fun of her constantly in front of you! I mean, she is worth being made fun of. I still don't understand how a dude as awesome as you can like that blood sucking witch. But I guess we can't choose who we love. My ex was a whore and a part time Disney villain, so I get it. Although I think this is a mistake and she doesn't deserve you and you deserve much much better, I'm not gonna say anything. And I really am sorry. Sorry. I'm gonna shut up now."
I usually say this to others, but boy, am I overcompensating? Avi is breathlessly laughing now, the goddamn traitor. Samar's smile has been just growing with each and every sentence that I babbled. He tries to purse his lips. He looks down and tries to cover his mouth with his hand. He fake coughs a couple of times.
I decide to conclude the speech, "I'm really sorry I undermined your feelings for your possibly-girlfriend." I frown in my best apologetic face (something I got really good at with Hardik and he called 'sad puppy eyes').
And that's what finally does it. He curls over himself and starts laughing, loudly. He wraps his left arm around himself and covers his face with his right hand and leans back, laughing. He's laughing. His eyes have those crinkles and his entire body is relaxed, as opposed to being on edge, as usual. His entire face lights up.
Freaking finally. It gives me the same feeling that I had when I was standing on the stage in Kota, three years ago. It feels like a goddamn life achievement. I want to keep this image forever in my brain. Oh shit. SHIT.
They both finally stop laughing as I pretend to be annoyed at them. But honestly, I don't know why making a neurotic could be-werewolf laugh is giving me the same feeling that my life's biggest achievement did.
"Are you done?"
Samar shakes his head. "Yes, congratulations. You've finally figured out the big secret. I like Puri. That's why my phone unlocks with an 'A'. Bravo!"
I frown at him, waiting for an explanation. "What were you saying earlier?"
He tilts his head up, probably trying to remember while Avi is still chuckling softly. I throw an empty ketchup packet at his face and he dissolves into more giggles.
Samar almost shouts, "Oh yes! I was saying, I'm really scared of what I should expect on my birthday, then."
I nudge on his shoulder. "When is your birthday?"
"January 23rd" What is it with me and Aquarians!?
"Weird. Hardik's birthday is on 29th."
"Perfect. My birthday is close to a demon. All the more reason to not celebrate it." He stuffs half of the samosa in his mouth and bites off like a gorilla.
"Wait, why aren't we celebrating it? It's like a month and a half from now."
He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and demands of Avi "Go get me a coffee from Nescafe. Get a tea for her and whatever you want for yourself." He presses a 100 note in Avi's hand and he walks away confused.
I give him my best disapproving look, "That was rude and unnecessary."
He turns towards me in his chair and blurts, as if trying to get the words out in a hurry, "I've never celebrated a birthday. In my entire life. Ever."
"What..?"
"I mean, I don't remember before I was 4, but I just cut the cake or something. We never had parties. I didn't get presents or anything. And I haven't once celebrated it even once. I don't know how to differentiate between regular days and birthday."
An overwhelming urge of protectiveness comes over me and I just want to wrap him in a hug. I think about all the fanfare my mom used to throw when I was little. She always said that my birthday was more important for her than any other festival, and she treated it as such.
Even now, though the glamour has quite worn off, it is still quite the day. At least Nandu, Monku and Pari are always there. He averts his eyes awkwardly and looks at the plate and it's enough for me to make a decision.
Avi comes back, holding three different cups with what looks like great difficulty and places them on the table. I announce to both of them in a firm yet happy voice, "We're celebrating Chauhan's birthday!"
His eyes snap to me. "I just told you—"
"I know. Which is exactly why we're doing it. I haven't been around for the past 600 years of your life, you fossil, but I'm here now and we're celebrating this birthday. I'll take care of everything."
Avi grins while Samar looks at me with wide eyes, "You'd do that for me?"
"Of course. I know we haven't known each other long but I hope you know how much you've come to mean to me? Obviously, I would throw a party for you, Chauhan." Holy shit, I'm on a roll today!
He looks at me the same way he was last evening and it confuses me so damn much. Seriously. What is that face?
He wipes off the last few crumbs off his plate and then steals one from mine. I push the plate completely towards him and he grins. "You're the best! If only you would now complete my watch collection."
Avi asks him, "What watch collection?"
His eyes light up as if he was just waiting for someone to ask that question. Which I suppose he was. "It's a dream of mine. When I'm all settled down, I want to have a watch collection. Seven different watches for every day of the week. Plus an uber expensive one for special occasions. All high tech, top of the line models. Rolex, Pierre Cardin, Mont Blanc, Swatch, Rado and the likes."
My throat catches up on two words from that. "You know Mont Blanc?"
"Do you assume I live under a rock?"
"I assumed you are the rock."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
Avi looks between us, far too pleased with himself and I kick him in the shin.
*******
"I literally cannot do this right now. Can't you just leave it alone?" Do not beg. Do not beg. Never again.
"No! You always do this! Why do you do this!? I'm so sick and tired of all of this! You used to be smart, you used to be pretty! Look at you now. Nobody knows or remotely cares about you!"
"Yes, I do. I have people here." I say in the firm voice, struggling not to shout.
Hardik gives a humourless laugh, "Oh yeah? Who? Nandini? She'll realise sooner or later that you guys are entirely different. Just because she hung out with you when you were kids, doesn't mean she won't know the difference now. Moksh? You guys didn't even like each other in school. You've been friends only since Topper because he was the only one who knew you from before and not just as Hardik's pathetic loser girlfriend. What's to say you won't go back to that rivalry? Pari will go to college in Mumbai and we know for a fact Princess, long distance doesn't work. Even in friendships. She'll get other friends there, those who are of her standard and she'll move on too. Who else do you have? Please don't tell me you think Sicko is going to stay with you. He's only around because you manipulated him and he has this hero complex. What happens when he gets over that and realises that you're actually holding him back from other relationships in his life? You think he will be satisfied with that?"
My mind reels and I have trouble breathing. No, no. Don't cry, don't cry.
"Everybody leaves you, Ayesha. And everyone will. There is nothing worth staying for anyway. How long before they realise that? It took me two years. Two years I wasted on you. You think anybody else will? You think anybody else has the patience or mere tolerance for that? Don't kid yourself."
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I can't kill him over the phone. I don't want to kill him. I'd have to touch him and that would just get my hands dirty all over again. Happy thoughts! Rottweiller puppies, baby elephants, mom's face whenever I get her a present, Jingle's face when she wants something...
"You think anybody would be dumb enough to want to spend his life with you? I've been that person. It simply does not end well. A guy falls in love with you, because of course he does. Of course the guy falls in love with you first. You have a personality which basically challenges everyone and everything. And obviously, guys are attracted to that. And then? You play hard to get, even after you're in the relationship. You starve a guy so bad both physically and emotionally that he begins to go crazy in it. Then comes the emotional part. You and your tragic back stories. The oodles of people who have left you. Your hostel friend, Ritika, Akshay, Anuj, Abhishek. I mean, Abhishek chose an ugly, classless, pathetic girl over you! Do you not get that? He realised that there is absolutely nothing worth fighting or staying for. By the time a person gets to know you, the real you, it's so obvious that you're just as ugly on the inside as you're pretty."
"That's not true..."
"Isn't it? Who will ever stay with you? There will be no one, but me. And you will come back to me. Because no one can love you like I do. I love you, despite who you are. Don't you get it? There will never be anyone else."
Honestly? Screw him for knowing every insecurity of mine and using it against me. He is the epitome of rats on a sinking ship. He pulls others down to make himself feel better.
The line goes silent and I take a deep breath. What the hell did I get myself into?
*******
I dial Samar's number with shaking hands. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't pick up. Kiran hasn't been well since yesterday so he took the responsibility of taking her to the campus hospital along with Puri and Avi. More like, Kiran's parents called and requested him to do it.
I dial Avi next and he picks up on the third ring. "Yes, Aish?"
"Where is Samar? Is he around? I called but he didn't respond."
"You mean, where is Samar Bhaiyya?"
I roll my eyes and groan into the receiver. "Yes, where is he?"
"Just went to the pharmacy. I'm here with Simran and Puri. What's wrong?"
"I need him. I mean, I need to talk to him."
"Everything alright?"
"I'll explain later. Ask him to call me back as soon as he's there."
"Yeah, alright."
I cut the call and go back to hyperventilating.
I open the text chain with Nandini and send the call recording to her. It immediately turns to blue tick and I assume she'll be listening to the audio.
My phone finally rings and I answer it on the first ring. "Where are you?"
"You okay? Sound tense."
"I'm in the hospital basement. How long would it take you to be here?"
"Depends. What do you want?"
"Nothing. Just need to talk to you."
"Can you call Avi? What did he say?"
"I need you."
The line goes silent for a moment and then he says, "Four minutes. Max."
"Thanks."
"Shut up."
My phone vibrates again.
From Nandu
Beyyy... what the hell!?
Apparently there are no boundaries and she just sends it to the family group.
To Nandu, Monku and Pari
WHAT DO I DO!?
I look up to see Samar walking in quick strides towards where I'm sitting on the ledge. His face is scrunched up in barely concealed exasperation and he looks exhausted and furious at the same time. His face immediately shifts to being more relaxed as soon as I spot him and he gives the briefest smile and sits down next to me. I can't believe I used to think his face was expressionless.
He promptly takes out the water bottle from my bag and takes a huge gulp. He takes a deep breath and exhales and then blows off. "I hate it! I hate it so damn much! Kiran's voice is grating on my damn ears!"
"Why'd you volunteer to do this?"
"I didn't volunteer! What else would I have done? Refused them to take care of their daughter?"
"Well, I'm sure she appreciates you being her daddy for the time being."
"I'm not being her daddy!"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night."
"I don't know why Puri is more involved in this though." There is the bitch again. Be cool!
"What'd she do now? Get on her knees for you the wrong way?" Damn, I need to chill out!
He shakes his head with a huff and his voice is laced with annoyance. "She does this annoying thing where she absolutely refuses to refer to me as 'bhaiyya'. So, we were standing near the main circle when I started walking towards pharmacy. And she yells out' Achcha suno'. What is that!? Why does she think she can call me that!? Dude, my inner husband was on the verge of breaking out by hearing that. I won't listen to someone calling me 'achcha suno' unless I can reply with 'haan bolo' like a typical husband. Unless, what is the point of anything!?"
I burst out laughing, imagining the scenario and he smiles a bit.
"That's better. You were looking a bit stressed out." He reaches out and tucks a few hair strands behind my left ear.
I clear my throat and focus on the torn out sticker on the wall behind him. "So..."
"Yes, what did you want to talk about?"
"Uhh... I think I screwed up. Except it's not just that I think I screwed up. I know for a fact, that I screwed up."
His face remains impassive and holds out his right hand. What? What am I supposed to do?
"I don't give high fives. I don't like 'em."
He rolls his eyes exaggeratedly and wraps his hand around my wrist. He's checking for my pulse! What the hell!
He frowns, clearly not happy with what he felt and then looks at me and starts taking deep breaths. I squint at him and he motions me to mimic them. I hate to admit but breathing becomes a bit easier after that.
"You know you don't have to keep holding my hand to get my pulse like that. I'm fine."
"Only other places where I can sense it would be your throat or your heart. Would you prefer I do that?" he replies, barely holding a grin back.
I swat away his hand and he grins fully. "Now, talk."
Where do I get started? Hey, so remember when I made it seem like my break up was a teeny tiny issue? Well, it's beginning to turn into the colossal shit that I knew it would. To add to it, he's starting to use all my weaknesses against me and my internal compass tends to lean more towards self doubt than coincidence. But you have a very calm voice and presence and I don't focus on the shit show that my life is whenever you're around and I really want to see you laugh again.
Nope. Can't say that. I simply open the call recording and pass him an earbud as he shifts closer. His jaw tightens momentarily and he clenches a fist. I have an urge to ease him up maybe but I stop myself before I do something incredibly stupid.
The audio ends and he runs his hand through his hair once before muttering, "So that's your ex?"
"Yup." Now he's gonna see me in a completely different light.
"Mind if I ask you something?" Don't ask why I'm doing this.
"Sure."
"Why are you doing this?"
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Even though I know he won't be spilling the beans anytime soon, I know better than to trust anyone these days.
"Let's just say that if I don't he'll get angry... and desperate... we really don't want to make him angry... he has leverage..."
"What leverage?"
"I don't feel comfortable talking about it."
He draws back and I notice with disappointment that he shifts back further. Wait, why am I disappointed?
"Not an issue... We'll work something out."
"We?" Don't hope, don't hope.
He rolls his eyes again and says, "Yes dumbass, we. Also, it's kind of pathetic how he's trying so hard to just keep digging the blade deeper. As id he has some personal vendetta or something."
"Remind me to make a joke later about the 'blade digging Deeper' part." I mutter to him and he chuckles. And I have trouble breathing again.
"Sure. I just got five minutes right now. Need to get back to the hospital. And I'm really hungry."
I remember that I had packed some lunch for him and take the sandwich out of my bag and hand it over to him. He looks at me with such a grateful smile that I look away towards the torn out sticker again.
"You didn't have to do this."
"Uh... you usually get hungry at this time... and you were hungry during breakfast too... so I figured the food at your hostel mess wouldn't have been edible enough... and I don't trust the leeches to feed you in return for you taking on all their burdens and responsibilities..."
He scarfs down the entire sandwich and then looks around, as if for more food. I take out my lunch box and slide it over as he beams at me. "I already ate in the canteen. Not hungry." I'm goddamn starving but I doubt I'll be able to digest anything at this point.
He looks at the watch, announces he still has three minutes and goes on to raiding the food. Lord, give me his metabolism!
I don't get out of my own head until he stuffs the box back into my bag.
"You gonna be okay here alone?"
I barely hold back a laugh at that. "Do you keep forgetting that I am used to being alone?"
"No, I just wish you didn't have to."
"You're busy. I get that."
"Last exam tomorrow. Man, am I looking forward to it."
"We still have four more."
"I know."
He dusts his clothes and gets up, looking around to wipe his hands on something. I give him a wet wipe from my bag and he throws them in the bin after use. He looks... reluctant to leave? Wow. That's new. I don't know how to deal with it.
"Hey, Ayesha?" He gets up and looks down at me.
"Yes?"
"We'll figure something out you know... or worse comes to worst, I'll save you." Not sure there's anything left to save.
I nod but he keeps looking at me in that way he does where it seems like he's reading into my soul or shit.
"What's wrong?" Everything. Everything is wrong. I don't know who I am anymore or what I am. I don't even know if Hardik was truly the wrong one. I can't help but feel that all of my friends, my family will keep drifting away from me and finally leave. I can't help but think that they'll realise that there truly is nothing worth staying for and nothing will be able to convince them otherwise. I'm scared that I'm growing attached to you despite the fact that I can't handle any tension right now and I hate to think that you'll drift away too as soon as you realise that I'm nothing but a picturesque Trojan horse that is filled with issues so deep, they might just put Dean Winchester to shame.
"Nothing." I don't know what you mean when you say you can save me. Because believe me, you can't. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved and I think you should save it for someone who actually deserves it.
He keeps looking at me and then says slowly, "You don't think... you deserve to be saved?"
Oh yeah. This moment, right here, is going to be the death of me. Everybody mark it down. The biggest crack in my walls was formed on 7th of December, 2018, while sitting in the basement of the campus hospital by a guy who still has goddamn ketchup on his mouth.
I shake my head and say, "You're late." trying to keep my voice as level as possible.
He crouches down to tie his shoelaces as his phone rings again. I catch a glimpse unexpectedly. Puri. Of course. What was I even thinking? Dude loves her.
"Good things do happen, Ayesha. Even if you don't believe in them anymore."
"Not in my case." Shouldn't have said that. I should not have quoted Dean word to word.
"Well then, we'll change the case." He gives me a brief smile and jogs away.
Ah well, that could've gone worse.
*******
I finally take a relieved breath, despite the voice in my head which has taken to repeating things from my earlier conversation now and smile at Avi and mumble a weak thanks. His mouth curves up and I know he's going to say something provoking. He shakes his head and chuckles.
"Samar Bhaiyya is gonna be pissed. Or depressed. Probably both."
I squint at him, "Why would he be?"
"Well, he likes you." Duh.
"Of course he likes me, I know that. I like him too." Look at you now. Nobody knows or remotely cares about you!
He smacks his forehead and then says as if talking to a child. "Ayesha. He likes you. LIKES you. I'm pretty sure he loves you." The voice in my head keeps getting louder and more persistent.
"Yeah well, you love me too. And I love you and him. It's all cool. We're good friends."
He throws his head in his hands, almost pulls at his hair and then raises his head again, "Yaar, you're supposed to be the smartest one here! Do you really not see it?" You used to be smart, you used to be pretty!
"See what?" Do NOT answer the question. I do not have the capacity to process it today. Just shake your head and leave.
"Have you seen the way he looks at you!? He looks at you as if you're a... I can't find the right word...."
"Leave it, Avi." I try to harden my voice but it only sounds hoarse. See, this is what happens when you hold onto your tears for weeks.
"MIRACLE! He looks at you like you're his own personal miracle. He's awful protective too. Just doesn't show it. JUST LIKE YOU!" Of course the guy falls in love with you first. You have a personality which basically challenges everyone and everything. And obviously, guys are attracted to that.
"Avi, stop." He takes that more of a response to jibe rather than a sign of massive internal crisis and goes on.
"And yesterday! The way you guys were looking at each other! I don't know what you were talking about but I almost felt bad. I felt like I was witnessing something too intimate and you guys weren't even touching. You know how rare it is!?" Then comes the emotional part. You and your tragic back stories. The oodles of people who have left you.
"Avi."
"And you! You're different when you're with him. A few days back, he made a dumb joke and I SWEAR, I have never seen you laugh like that. I've known you for months and that was the day I finally found out what your actual laughter is like. Do you really not get it!? Or are you just refusing to see what's right in front of you!? It's like you're more you, when you're with him." By the time a person gets to know you, the real you, it's so obvious that you're just as ugly on the inside as you're pretty.
"Please stop."
"And you're not the one who stays with him after hours, I am. He continuously talks about you. I don't think even he realizes it. But it's always 'Ayesha this, Ayesha that'... He loves you. Sooner or later, he's going to tell you. But ask yourself, do you really need him to word it in order to know?" There is nothing worth staying for anyway.
He keeps looking at me intently, as if he's desperate for me to understand his view. Calm. I have to remain calm.
"Okay let's set a few things straight. One, he loves Puri. He admitted it himself. Two, I refuse to believe he's in love with me. Three, nothing good can come out of loving me. So even if he does, I'll make sure I keep him away enough so as to not spoil his life. And four, how do you know this?"
"You really think he's in love with Puri?"
"Why not? His goddamn password is her initial!"
Avi smacks his head again and then drawls, "Yeah sure! If only there was some other girl who also conveniently had her initial as 'A'. Tell me AYESHA, who could also have the initial 'A'?"
Okay that's...NO.
"Leave it, Avi." I give him a dazzling smile, "I want to enjoy the single life for now!"
"You won't be able to truly enjoy anything unless you're happy with your company, darling. You guys, fit. You complement each other way too well. You're an idiot if you push him away."
I make a show of looking at my watch, "Weren't you supposed to be in the pathological laboratory twenty minutes ago?"
His eyes widen and he gets up with a jump and stuffs his phone and handkerchief in his jeans pocket. He turns to run but stops and says, "Tell me you'll think about it. Give him a chance."
"That's not how it works. I can't just decide to love someone."
"Then tell me you'll try to believe him if he tells you he does."
"I'll try."
He runs away, skidding on the wet floor and gets yelled at by the maid for leaving dirty shoe tracks. She looks towards me and I mouth a 'sorry' to her. I hold my ears and she shakes her head and gives the briefest of smiles before going back to the mop.
******
I have never particularly enjoyed seeing people angry. Maybe it's ingrained in my system. The need to resolve conflict. Or maybe it's just because I'm too exhausted. Being angry is pretty tiring. And I simply don't have the energy for that.
But I can sense it when people are holding back. We give away our emotions a lot more than we think we do. You just gotta know where to look.
I don't see Avi or Samar until the end of the day. I meet them at the entrance of the tunnel around 4:30 p.m. While Avi looks absolutely lethargic, Samar's posture screams concealed fury. He keeps cracking his knuckles, his jaw is set tight, his movements are stiff and the vein on his forehead is throbbing.
I completely ignore Avi and ask Samar if he's okay.
He mutters a 'fine', with clenched teeth as he stands next to me.
"What's wrong?"
Avi waves a hand flippantly, "Nothing, just a long day. She had the flu but made it like she had the goddamn tuberculosis."
I nod as he walks away a bit to answer a call and I turn towards Samar.
"Why are you so pissed?"
"It's nothing."
"It's clearly not. You wanna talk?"
"No"
"Alright."
I try to scroll through my phone while avoiding looking at him. I finally give into the temptation.
"Anything I can do to help?"
"I don't think so."
"I swear I'm not as useless as I seem. I'm sure I can help some way."
He keeps regarding me and then snaps, "Not in the mood for your self-depreciating jokes right now. Just because you're dumb for not realizing your own worth."
"Thanks. That went a long way in repairing my self esteem." I spit out bitterly.
I let him stew for a while as he visibly keeps thinking of things to control the damage. It should be infuriating, but it's just adorable. That's exactly what it is.
After a couple of minutes, he nudges me.
"What? Any other reason I'm dumb?"
"I'm sorry... I'm just angry at someone else... and I know it's no excuse... but I'm really sorry." He raises a hand suddenly and I flinch back on instinct but he just rubs his hand on his face and his eyes suddenly widen.
"Why did you flinch?"
"What do you mean?"
"Right now. You flinched back when I raised my hand."
"No idea what you're talking about."
"Ayesha..."
"If I wanted to continue taking the blunt of someone else's anger and shut up about it, I wouldn't have broken up with Hardik."
He frowns at me and looks really damn guilty so I ease up. "I really am sorry."
"Whatever." I wave my hand in dismissal but he starts talking.
"She can be such a... SATAN!" He rubs a hand down his face and I look to where Avi has drifted further apart while talking on the phone.
"Are you going to actually tell me what's going on or are you going to keep talking and groaning in incoherent sentences?"
"I just want to screw Sharma up! That BITCH! I'm going to totally screw her up! Who does she think she is!?"
What... the...?
I keep gaping at him while he paces and then abruptly comes to a halt.
"SHIT! I meant, Puri! I want to screw Puri!" Where the hell is Avi? Does he still want to continue his earlier monologue after this?
"SHITTT! I mean, I want to screw Puri up! I'm so sorry! I didn't realize what I said!"
I blink at him and he yells again, "SATAN! I was thinking about her and then you were right here and I mixed up the names!"
Well, there we have it. It's as much an admission as it counts.
I pick up my bag to leave and he keeps repeating his apology, "Ayesha, I didn't mean that! I'm really sorry! It's just that she's been around all day and that incident at the circle—"
"The one that made your 'inner husband' break out?" Oh wow.
"—well yes. And it made me realize something and it surprised me and I've been out of sorts since then. And then she—"
I hold my hand up to stop him from talking and harden my voice. "If I wanted to hear about Puri all the damn time, I would go hang out with the leeches. As it stands, I don't. So the next time, better make sure you know which Ayesha you're talking to. I'm not asking you to choose sides, so don't make this into that. But the next time you're so busy thinking about her that you don't even watch what you're saying, don't bother coming to meet up with me."
"If you would just let me explain—"
"I'm tired of follow-up explanations. Why don't you just do what you want to in the first place? Try taking a step in the right direction instead of just reaching a destination by taking hundreds of detours first."
He looks stricken, frozen to his spot. Avi finally ends his call and joins us with a confused frown and addresses Samar, "Bhaiyya, why do I feel like you did something incredibly stupid?"
"I did."
"So what are you going to do now?"
He keeps looking at me, a hundred emotions showing through his face and disappearing instantly. He nods and then says with gritted teeth, "I'll make it right."
I adjust the bag strap on my shoulder, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of entire day setting on me. "Glad we cleared that up. Bye."
I move to walk towards the parking lot when he stops me with a hand on my shoulder.
"Hug?" He asks in the saddest puppy face possible. Over the past couple of days, we had come up with a little ritual where I gave them both a brief hug before I left for the day. Avi joked that it was the highlight of his day while Samar called him a pervert.
"Maybe tomorrow. I'm really tired." I give them the briefest of smiles as he nods and draws his hand back.
He likes you. Right.