Chan's POV.:
I barely made it out the front door before the first tear ran down my cheek. We had had such a great day, never would I have imagined it to end like this. The way Hyunjin had snuggled up to me for our nap this afternoon, it had felt really special to me. I really thought what we had was special and I had felt honored that he trusted me enough to show me his little side. Yet, he never told me about it willingly, I had only found out about it by walking in on him. Thinking that he told the other members but not me hurt so bad. What made him think that he couldn't come to me with his worries? I knew I spend most of my time at the studio and get pretty stressed but I always made sure to be there for my dongsaengs at the same time, at least I had thought so because apparently, it didn't feel like that to them. It's no big deal that I wasn't the first person he told about his littlespace but I wasn't his second choice either. That was the issue, I was his very last choice or not even a choice really because when I had walked in on him, he didn't have a choice anymore. Had he been scared of me? If so, I have failed him as a leader and hyung.
It was still raining outside but where should I go. If the weather was I tad bit better, I could have gone on a walk to clear my head but getting soaked didn't sound too appealing. I couldn't go back to the dorm, just being there hurt and made me angry. Not really angry at my members or at Jinnie, I could never be mad at the little, but rather mad at myself for failing to be a trustworthy enough hyung to them. I had always tried my hardest for them but apparently, it wasn't enough. Usually when I needed to take my mind off of things, I would go to the studio and distract myself by making music but what if that exactly was the mistake I had made? What if me constantly being at the studio instead of being with my members had estranged me from my group? I had to go back and spend more time with them, with Jinnie, but right now wasn't the time. I'd have to be in the right state of mind, which I certainly wasn't at the moment. At the moment, I couldn't even stop the tears from running down my face. How pathetic, no wonder I wasn't the right person to make Jinnie feel safe and protected.
The studio was really the only escape I could think of, though I'd have to walk through the rain for a bit. I put my hood up and jogged to the company building. By the time I made it inside, my hair was only a bit damp. Taking off my wet hoodie, I discovered with relief that my t-shirt had stayed dry. The cold air had helped me to calm down enough to stop crying but my eyes were still burning and I felt like I'd break down again any second. Hopefully I'd be able to make it to my studio without running into anyone because I surely looked like a mess. Too bad I had to pass the dance rooms on my way to the studio. I had almost made it past, when one of the doors opened. Got7 had just finished their practice and though I was pretty good friends with them, I just didn't want to see anyone right now. I needed to be alone. "Hey, you okay?", Jackson asked worriedly. Not trusting my voice, I just nodded and continued walking. Then there was a hand on my shoulder. Of course, I couldn't fool my best friend. "You can go back without me guys, I'll join you later", Bambam announced, hooking his arm under mine as he led me to the studio. He really knew me all too well, figuring out where I'd want to go when I wasn't all that okay.
I let us into the studio and Bambam closed the door behind us. When he turned around to get a better look at me, I was already crying again. He took the wet hoodie from me and threw it over the back of my chair before pulling me into a hug. In a feeble attempt to regain control over myself, I bit down on my lip but wasn't able to suppress a sob. My phone started ringing. Bambam guided me to the couch and took my phone. It soon stopped ringing and he handed it back, sighing: "Do you want to talk about it?" Talking about things with him often helped but how could I talk when I couldn't even stop crying? Yet I nodded, drawing in a deep breath as I tried to calm myself enough to talk. Just as I wanted to start, another sob tore from my throat. "It's okay, take your time. There's no rush", my best friend hummed, rubbing my back as I scrubbed my sleeves over my eyes. The last time he had seen me that worked up must have been when Felix had gotten eliminated. "Hyung, what was it like when Yugyeom came out to your group as a little?", I asked shakily, my voice cracking at the end. Their maknae was a little like Hyunjin and I had been over a few times while he was in his headspace, so I knew he was pretty open about his regression, at least with people he considered friends.
Tapping a finger against his lips, Bambam mused: "It was quite tense, honestly. He gathered all of us in the living room and I still remember how hard his hands shook when he tried to build the courage to tell us." – "H-He told a-all of you? A-At once?" – "Yeah, he did. It was kinda like a group meeting, where we all sat together and discussed things", the rapper explained and I couldn't help but feel my heart hurt. It probably was similar when Hyunjin told our group, the only difference being, I wasn't invited. Was I not part of the group? Wasn't I always there for them? "Do you want to tell me what happened?", Bambam asked calmly, a steady hand on my shoulder. His presence itself was calming, yet I still couldn't hold my tears back. At least my breathing was a bit steadier, so I wiped my cheeks again and sniffled: "One of my members is a little too. I-I walked in on him one day and found o-out about it that way. I'm his caregiver now and we hung out today, w-while I tried my hardest to avoid the others, s-so they wouldn't find out before h-he felt ready to tell everyone. W-We ran into them though when everyone rushed home due to the storm a-and they a-already knew." I choked on a sob before forcing out: "H-He had t-told them all. L-Long be-before I walked i-in on him."
My hyung bit his lip, taking in the situation. "Now you're hurt because he didn't tell you, hm?", he figured and I nodded with my face buried in my hands. "I don't know what the situation was like when he told them. Maybe one of them had walked in on him too and he decided to tell everyone right then but you weren't at the dorm?" – "B-But he co-could have told me when I-I got home", I argued. It was true that I didn't know why he had told them but he had, so why hadn't he told me? Bambam sighed: "I guess. You should talk to them though, try to find out why he told them and maybe they'll also tell you why they kept it from you. I can tell you're scared of hearing the truth but I don't think it's as bad as your assumptions and even if it is, at least you know for sure instead of just guessing. You don't have to go back just yet, we can hang out for a bit, so you can calm down and take your mind off of it till you feel ready to talk it out with them." I nodded at his offer because I really wasn't ready yet. Sure, I wouldn't get away with not talking things out but right now wasn't the time for me to do that as I didn't feel like facing my members.
I turned on the computer and showed Bambam what tracks I had been working on recently. It wasn't really working now though, rather the two of us fooling around and trying to come up with lyrics on the spot. Just having fun and giving each other a good laugh. My tears were soon forgotten and though my eyelids were swollen and my eyes felt tired, I was really enjoying the time with my best friend. It was a great distraction from everything that I didn't want to think about for the time being. We turned the music up so loud that it surely would drown out any negative thought before it could even rise to the surface and I was once again eternally grateful to have a friend like Bambam by my side, who could make me smile no matter what might be going on at the moment. Stopping the music for a second so we could actually talk to each other without having to yell, my hyung laughs: "Whatever great song you'll make out of this, I'll ever have that line in my head, no matter how meaningful the real lyrics might be. We've kinda ruined the song for me. I won't be able to take it serious." I laugh too, how will I come up with anything serious or meaningful after this? Now that it is remotely quiet between us, I almost fall out of my chair when suddenly thunder booms outside. My face drops and I stare at the other in horror. "Don't tell me you're suddenly scared of storms?", he frowns and I shake my head, getting up and quickly putting my hoodie back on. "I'm not, Jinnie is!", I state urgently, already dashing out of the studio.
Running to the exit, I realize how dark it had gotten while we were hanging out. The rain was so much stronger now than when I had come here but staying here and waiting it out wasn't really an option. Hyunjin was usually okay with storms but when he was in his headspace, he was terrified of thunder. The first storm we battled through since I became his caregiver, he hadn't slept for a single minute that night and I ended up on the couch watching cartoons till the early morning hours. He had been shaking so hard despite being in my arms, bundled up in his blanket. I had felt so helpless unable to calm him down and I had promised both of us that I'd always be there when he got scared. That promise had him crawl into my bed late at night whenever he had a nightmare or when there was a storm going on. In those situations, all that helped was his paci, blanket and being held. Depending on how bad the storm got, I wouldn't even be able to put him down for two minutes to use the bathroom and this storm was bad. I had barely made it to the next corner when my hoodie was already soaked through. This time, my t-shirt wouldn't be spared. The hood had been blown off my head pretty much instantly as I left the building. The wind was so bad that it made running hard. I was really hurrying, yet it didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. No wonder they had put out a storm warning, this certainly wasn't just a bit of rain. The water kept running into my eyes making it difficult to see as my bangs clung to my forehead. I was just glad I had gotten Jinnie home as soon as the first drops fell because he easily caught colds when his clothes get wet. Sure, it didn't exactly feel comfortable out here with my clothes sticking to me and my hands had gotten so cold, I could barely feel them but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that my baby was at home, probably scared out of his mind. Don't worry angel, daddy is coming.