I borrowed Coach Carson's car. I have a therapy session with a new doctor. My car hasn't made its way to North Carolina yet.
So I'm currently sitting in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called.
I drove all the way to Wake Forest. My parents thought it would be saver.
So that if anyone saw me in Chapel Hill at a therapist's office, I would not be embarrassed. It doesn't embarrass me. A lot of people need help. I'm one of them. I may know and tell myself I need help but the truth is I will be difficult with professionals. I don't think they should help me. After all it was my fault.
I will forever regret going to that party.
"Taylor? Taylor Rae?" I hear my name being called so I walk to the lady holding a clipboard. I bet she tells all the other ladies here my business. She probably reads my file and then they gossip.
"Doctor Miller will be right in."
Doctor Miller is just going to be another Doctor Willis. Doctor Willis was the worst. He hated me. Why? I don't know. Maybe because everyone else in Lexington hates me. Does he blame me? I don't know. What I do know is I would be total fine and waiting for him to sign off on me. He wouldn't. For some weird reason he wanted to keep me around.
"Taylor Lawson?" A female ask as I turn my head around to which I nod confused.
"Hi I'm Cassandra Miller. Doctor Willis referred you to me."
I wasn't expecting a female.
"Let's get right into this shall we. I know you just moved here so you've probably got classes to get ready for. UNC? Correct?"
"Yes."
"I graduated from Duke so UNC is still my rival. You going to the Duke vs. Chapel Hill basketball game?"
I don't respond.
I've never had a doctor make small talk with me this is weird.
"So the accident, do you still blame yourself? Doctor Willis says you do that's the man reason you were seeing him."
"Yes I still think about it."
"You didn't answer my question do you still blame yourself?"
"Yes, I still blame myself but that doesn't mean I'm going to slit my wrist again. Actually I'm going to blame myself until I die." This was a stupid question. She knows the answer to her question but she's still writing down everything I say word by word.
"Why am I going to blame myself until I die? Because if I hadn't got drunk and went to that party and called my best friend to pick me up, maybe she'd still be here. Maybe I wouldn't be a screw up. Maybe I wouldn't be hated. Maybe I'd still have a life in Kentucky. There's a lot of maybes Cassandra. You should know one thing though there were many reasons that drove me to commit. Not just because I lost my best friend and it was my fault but because of another person and too many reasons!"
"Do you want elaborate on what happened April 30th or who this other person is?"
"Do I? No. I've talked way to much about that day and that person will never get the satisfaction of knowing he won."
"Ok then maybe we will discuss it in the future."
"We won't." I state.
"Are the sleeping pills helping?"
"Yeah, about that I need a refill I have 4 left. Enough for tonight and tomorrow night."
"Well Doctor Willis hasn't send that information over. I will request it."
"How exactly do you expect me to sleep with out it, Cassandra?"
"Please call me Doctor Miller."
"Are we done here? I have things to do."
"No. You described the night of April 30th terrifying and confusing. Why?"
"I was drunk, so I was confused. I watched my best friend take her last breath. So I was terrified."
After the accident I blamed myself. I mean who wouldn't. It was my fault. I knew deep down inside it was. That's why I couldn't live with the guilt eating me alive.
I gave up on Social Media a long time ago. I gave up before the accident. I should've took that as a sign. Once you give up on one thing you give up on everything. In order it was social media, school, my boyfriend, volleyball, friends, basketball, my best friend, eating, sleeping, my family, and then life.
I was sick...depressed. I'll say it now. I'll admit it. It took me a while to at first. I swore I would never say the reason why. And I won't.
That wasn't even the worst.
When I thought I was finally getting better. I lost my best friend. My future maid of honor, my future children's godmother, the person I've know since I was 3 months old. I lost her and everything went downhill again. I didn't want to give up it just happened.
It happened so damn fast. And it was all my fault.
"Tell me what happened." Doctor Miller demands in the nicest way possible.
-Flashback 9 months ago, April 30th 1:23am-
"Skylar? Hey it's Emily."
"She's pretty wasted. Andrew is nowhere to been seen. I've looked everywhere. Everyone is pretty much leaving the party and Taylor is passed out on the couch."
"No I'm not!" I yell at Emily.
"Ok so apparently she's not asleep yet but you were in her emergency contacts. So I called you."
A couple minutes later my best friend walks in the door.
"Thanks for babysitting Emily!" Skylar tells Emily as she helps me get up.
"No problem. I'll see y'all in a couple of hours in English." Emily tells us as we walk out the door.
"Somebody probably won't make it to her first lecture in the morning."
"I can walk!" I drunken yell at my my best friend who is currently my feet at the moment.
"I'd like to see you try. Taylor Rae Lawson." She says with so much attitude.
"Then let me. Skylar Louise Barnes." I say with the same amount of attitude.
She opens the backseat door on the passenger side. I get in and lay my head against the window.
She heads to the driver seat after waving bye to Emily.
"Do I need to act like your mom and put your seatbelt on for you or are you capable of doing that yourself?"
I don't respond I just click the seatbelt.
She turns around in her seat and does the same.
As soon as she starts driving the lecture starts.
"I hate to lecture you but seriously Taylor!" Here we go, time for the lecture. She says I won't remember but I do. I always remember the lectures she gives me.
"Taylor! If your mom or dad hears about this they will think you relapsed. Relapsed into the old Taylor. The Taylor who slept with everyone, almost lost her scholarship, lost the people who loved her, lost the love of her life, lost friends but not her best friend. Seriously Taylor how many more times do I have tell you Andrew is bad for you! Jake loves you. He always will. Go back to him."
"I can't."
"Yes you can, Taylor. I've talked to him."
"No, I can't Sky. I just can't."
"Since when do we keep secrets from each other?" She ask as we come to an intersection.
"We don't." I admit.
She's about to say something but stops herself.
We come to a red light. She turns around in her seat.
"Just stop Taylor please. Swear to me you won't go down that path again. I couldn't imagine losing you."
"I promise. I can't imagine losing you either."
"Please talk to Jake."
I don't respond. I don't want to talk to Jake. Jake is perfect, was perfect.
I close my eyes. I feel the car start to move. I open my eyes because bright lights are shining right in the car.
I look to my left side to see where these lights are coming from. They're headlights.
"Skylar! Watch out!" I say but it's too late. My body tenses, getting ready for the impact. I try to lean my head as far away from the window as I can so it doesn't smash against it.
The car hits the driver side of the car. I feel the car spin.
One moment the road was there, wide open, the next there were bright lights, and we started spinning. I tried to prevent my head from hitting the window but it still did.
I feel the blood running down my head. My arm that was pushing against the door, is now throbbing.
"Skylar? You alright?" She doesn't answer me.
"Skylar?" Panic starts setting in. I unbuckle my seatbelt and ignore the pain in my body. I climb into the passenger seat.
I look at Skylar with a cut on her head and bruises everywhere. I start to shake her.
"Skylar!"
She opens her eyes.
"Don't look down." I tell her because there is glass from the window all over her lap.
"It hurts." She sobs.
"What hurts?"
"My head. I feel like I can't breathe. My lungs hurt."
At this exact moment I became sober. Completely sober as I search through her purse for her phone. My best friend is in critical condition and needs me to step up.
The car who hit us is nowhere to be seen. It was a hit and run. Seeing car crashes is no preparation for being in one.
I dial 911 and give them our location. I had to pull up google maps to find it.
"Everything is going to be okay. It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay." I tell my best friend who is struggling to breathe.
Skylar has panic attacks a lot. I think she might be having one.
"I'm going to get the seatbelt off of you but first I need to remove the glass from your lap. Breathe in and out."
I don't usually pray but right now I really want to. I can't though because at this moment my best friend needs me.
I start picking up pieces of glass and throwing them out the window. I don't care if it cuts me. I can't live without my best friend.
I see lights ahead and hear sirens.
"Skylar they're here." I look up at my best friend. She has her eyes closed. I feel for a pulse. She has one. She's alive and I'm grateful.
I watch as she takes a deep breathe in.
_Present_
"I don't remember anything else. I just know that was the last breath she took. She didn't fight. Why didn't she fight to stay alive?" I feel the tears falling "The Doctors said the impact of the hit caused internal bleeding in the head. Her ribs were bruised from hitting the steering wheel. She wouldn't have a great chance of survival because of the internal bleeding. It's all my fault."
"It's not your fault. It's the person who hit you. That's who's fault it is. You can't blame yourself."
"But I do. If I didn't go to that party my best friend would still be here. I wouldn't have scars on my wrist."
Why do doctors want you to remember what happened that night? I was doing good with it at the back of my mind.
Now I'm not going to be able to sleep.
It's not like I have been able to sleep. I've slept with my mom since April 30th and once I finally thought I was getting better and chose to sleep in my bed at home, my life was ruined again. I've slept with my mom since April 30th almost a year.
Now I'm all alone and I have to figure out how to sleep on my own tonight.