tw: self harm
Chapter 11
There were a lot of people out there, bakit ako pa? I kept on asking myself why am I suffering like this. Why can’t I have a simple life? Did I do something bad in my past life? Kaya ba pinarurusahan ako ngayon ng langit? Pain. A word with only four letters yet it is what killing me now. It’s pushing me into a dark hollow.
I sighed. With a gauze wrapped around my head, I sat on the edge of the hospital’s bed, staring at nowhere and thinking about what just happened to me. Stupidity took over my body that time before the incident happened and I regretted it now. I regretted letting my emotions burst out. I hated myself for being a crybaby. For being so weak. I hated myself for being so hypocritical when I stated that my brother was so weak. Because even I had been worst than I could imagine. Pilit kong iniiwasan ang mag-breakdown because I knew it wouldn’t do anything good to me. Little would I know, I was becoming numb. I’ll forget everything and then it’ll turn out bad.
I was lost in the thought that I didn’t heed someone already came into the room where I’ve occupied. Naramdaman ko na lang na may iba na palang tao rito. It was Icarus.
“How do you feel right now? Do you want something to eat? Gusto mo bang kumain? Tubig, gusto mo bang uminom?” sunod-sunod na tanong niya sa mahinahong boses. I could only nod my head as a response. Kanina pa ako nagising ngunit ayaw bumuka ng mga labi ko para magsalita. I’m so tired of everything.
Icarus sighed before giving me a bottle of water. I just looked at it, not moving. He sighed one more time before touching my chin using his forefinger and thumb to make me face him. The expression of his eyes was so gentle. He gave me a small smile afterwards. We fell into a deafening silence right after I finished drinking the water.
“I…” he trailed off, starting a conversation. “I called your dad using your phone,” he said.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napalingon sa kaniya. “Y-You did?” maang kong tanong, sa wakas ay nagsalita na rin.
He slightly nodded his head. “I’m sorry if I had to call him without asking for your permission. I was just concerned.”
Napakurap ako. He bit his lower lip and he touched my cheek through the back of his palm. “I am so worried, Sunshine…” he whispered. “What have you done, hmm? Did you unconsciously hit your head that’s why it bled? N-Nahulog ka ba at nadapa?” he added.
Napayuko ako at nangilid ang mga luha. Umiling ako at napakagat ng ibabang labi dahil sa panginginig nito. Nag-uumapaw ang emosyon sa aking dibdib at parang kahit anumang oras ay sasabog na ito.
“It’s okay, I won’t force you to tell me. I understand…” he softly said. His soothing voice made my heart melt and my emotions softened.
Mas lalo akong napayuko nang sunod-sunod na pumatak ang mga luha mula sa aking mga mata. “I… I don’t know… I don’t know why I did that, why I hurt myself. Why I was so stupid to injure my head. I… I really don’t know what’s gotten into me…” I sobbed and covered my face with my hands.
“Sunny…”
“I just… wanna feel the pain. P-Para kasing sobrang manhid ko na dahil sa sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko. Ayoko na… pagod na ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang mangyayari sa amin ng kapatid ko ngayong wala na si Papa sa amin. I-Iyong bahay namin, binenta na rin pala ni Papa… A-Ayokong mawala iyon… A lot of memories were there… Si Mama… Us. When we’re still complete… Ayaw ko… Ayoko…” Pumiyok ang aking boses at napahagulhol na ako.
“T-Tapos… tapos si Seth, parang ayaw na rin niya sa akin… Madalas siyang pumunta kila Tita Sali at doon na natutulog… Mag-isa lang ako sa bahay. Wala a-akong kasama… Ako lang mag-isa… Ayaw na nila sa akin. A-Ayaw nila sa akin.” I cried like a lost child in front of him, mindless of what my look would be like. Hinayaan ko ang sariling ilabas ang mga hinanakit ko nitong mga nakaraang linggo.
Icarus pulled me in his arms and caressed my back to comfort me. He let me bury my face on his chiseled chest and I clutched on his shirt tight. He didn’t say anything, he just kept on caressing my back while murmuring sweet nothings to ease me down. Hanggang sa makatulog ako, nanatili pa rin siya, yakap ako sa kaniyang bisig.
I WAS KIND of expecting his appearance but I still got shocked when I saw him. A man with a white dress underneath his black tuxedo with black slacks, a pair of shoes, and an expensive watch, stepped himself inside the hospital room with prim, reputable, preminence mystique which made my body tremble. Walking towards my direction was Sir Helios with his expressionless eyes.
My heart pounded fast. Napatayo ako at napasinghap sa gulat kahit na napaghandaan ko naman na ang pagdating niya. “S-Sir…” I stammered.
Mabilis na nahawakan ni Icarus ang braso ko nang muntik na akong matumba. “Be careful…” I heard him whisper.
“Sunshine.” His voice was as cold as an ice. It brings chills to my spine. He nodded his head, as if recognizing me, not as a daughter, but just a mere living creature.
“D-Dad…” I whispered and I felt my tears building up in the sides of my eyes. He threw me a knowing look like it was as though I have to prepare myself from a coming danger. His jaw was clenching hardly while his brown eyes seemed to get darker.
He averted his gaze from looking at me to face Icarus beside me. I gulped. “Thank you for informing me. You can leave now,” malamig nitong saad sa lalaking nasa may gilid ko.
I looked at Icarus apologetically. He caressed my arm when our eyes met. Hindi na niya kailangang magsalita dahil tumango ako. He smiled before looking at my father. “Okay, Sir,” he said formally and then looked at me. “Nariyan lang ako sa labas, okay? If you need anything, just call me.”
Tumango ako. “S-Sure…”
Nang makalabas na siya ay para akong tuta na nakaharap sa isang mabangis na lobo. Nanginginig ang aking mga kamay kaya pinagsiklop ko ito sa likuran at kinurot ang sarili.
“What’s gotten into you?” he asked, voice void of any emotion.
I gulped hard. Napayuko ako at mas kinurot pa ang aking sarili. I heard him sigh as he walked closer to me. Napaatras ako kaya napatigil siya.
“Sunshine.” His voice changed as if it was telling me he’s already mad.
Mas napayuko. “S-Sir…” My voice shook a bit.
“Stop stepping back,” he said. I bit my lower lip as I nodded. I heard him sigh again before he spoke. “John passed away but you didn’t even bother to tell me,” mariin niyang saad na tila ba ay nagtitimpi lamang itong sigawan ako.
“I… I’m s-sorry, Sir,” pormal kong sagot.
“And now, sa iba ko pa malalaman na nandito ka sa ospital? What kind of brain do you have?! Istupida!” he yelled. Pinigilan kong maluha. I was anticipating for his hug and for him to ask me if I were okay, but it was the opposite.
“S-Sorry po…” tanging nasabi ko na lang. He could’ve asked me first if I am just fine instead of throwing unimportant question, para naman hindi ganito kasakit sa dibdib…
He’s my father but it seems like we’re total strangers to each other… Then I remembered his genuine smile when he hugged Quinn, my half sister. It pained me. Bakit ba kasi naging anak pa ako sa labas?
“What a stupid, impulsive, child you are!” he shouted angrily and held me by my arm with force, making me flinch in pain.
“I-I’m sorry, Sir. I’m sorry, sorry… S-sorry..” humihikbing sabi ko at iniling nang ilang beses ang ulo. I could see from my peripheral vision how he hardly took a deep breath. His chest were moving up and down. His face turned bright red due to having an intense anger.
He cursed under his breath before he let go of my arm. Napaupo ako sa kama at napatakip ng mukha. Iyak ako nang iyak habang siya naman ay pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili.
“G-Good evening,” sabi ng doctor na kapapasok lang, she has this worried expression on her face. “You must be her father,” sabi ng doctor kay Helios na mariing nakapikit at minamasahe ang sentido.
Matagal bago siya nakasagot sa tanong ng doktor. Parang may kumirot sa puso ko nang mapansing ayaw nitong sagutin ang katanungan na anak ba ako nito. “I am,” he answered, obviously uninterested.
The doctor nodded her head. She glanced at me and she smiled warmly. I smiled back. Bumaling ulit ang tingin niya kay Helios. “Can I have a talk with you outside, Sir? This is so important.”
“Alright.” He nodded and looked at me. I quickly looked away, scared he might be mad again. “I’ll be back.”
Nang makalabas na silang dalawa ay dahan-dahan kong iniangat ang aking mga paa sa kama at humiga ako. I heaved a deep breath and exhaled it harshly. Natulala ako sa kawalan at inalala ang masasayang araw namin nang buhay pa si Mama at Papa. Those times with full of innocence. Those times when I only have to worry about what dress should I wear, what food would I like to eat, and what movies would I want to watch. Those times when my mother would tuck me to bed and read me a fairy tale story.
Sobrang hapdi ng puso ko habang inaalala ang mga iyon. Na-mi-miss ko si Mama. Kung nandito lang sana siya, hindi ko mararanasan ang mga bagay na ito. She would probably get mad at Helios for treating me this way.
“Sunshine!” My father’s voice echoed around the four corners of the room and in the blink of an eye, I was already caged in his arms.
“M-Mama…” I cried so loud, murmuring my mother’s name. “I-I want my mama… M-mama…” I sobbed. It was too late for me to realize I was already breaking down until someone stopped me.
“Hush… Hush…” He caressed my back and comforted me but it wasn’t enough for me to calm down. I ended up shouting and crying helplessly.
I clutched my hair and pulled it with so much force. Sinubukan nila akong pigilan pero hindi ko ito binitiwan, instead, I pushed them away. I sobbed frantically.
Ayoko na. Ang bata ko pa para sa dami ng mga problema na ito. Girls my age usually have their happiest teen days moment now. And yet, here I am, one of those unlucky people who had to experience this kind of life. On some aspect, I know I am kind of privileged because I am raised well-sheltered.
“Sunshine! Dammit!” I heard him hiss, and seconds later, I felt a syringe injected on my skin, dizzing me off, making me lose my consciousness.
WHEN I WOKE UP, I found myself talking to a doctor. She asked me thoroughly with gentleness in her voice. She asked me where I got my wound on the head from, why I hurt myself. She also asked me about what I’ve been through. I felt so comfortable while talking to her, she reminds me of my mother. I also shared with her my biggest goal this school year—to graduate as a Valedictorian. She were all ears to listen to my stories and she even praised me. At that time, I felt like I am facing my mom.
Pinalabas na rin ako sa ospital matapos akong kausapin ng doktor. They checked my vital signs once again before releasing me. Sir Helios took me with him. I didn’t ask neither complain, I just let him. His driver opened the backseat for us. My father guided me inside and I just stayed quiet the whole ride, not minding his time to time glances. Isinandal ko ang ulo sa gilid ng bintana at tumingin sa labas ng dinaraanan namin.
“We’re here, Sir,” the driver said and went out to open the door for us. Naunang lumabas si Sir Helios at pinanood ko lang siya. He gave me an encouraging smile as he offered his hand. I unconsciously put my palm above it.
I blinked my eyes and nodded. Wala akong alam kung saan niya ako dinala. Tahimik lang ako habang naglalakad kami pareho, nakahawak ang kaniyang isang kamay sa balikat ko habang sabay naming nilalandas ang malawak na daan. I heard him taking a deep, nervous breath and he squeezed my shoulder.
“Here we go…” he whispered and bent down his knees to level my height. He’s so tall. “Don’t talk unless you’re being asked, do you understand?” may diing saad niya. Wala akong reaksyon. Ni hindi ko nga halos matandaan ang sinabi niya.
“Sunshine, do you understand me?” mariin niyang tanong ulit sa ‘kin. I nodded nonchalantly. He sighed and stood straight. “Fuck…” he cursed and tightly closed his eyes.
I looked around me and blinked several times to process what I have just saw. Hindi ito ang lugar kung saan ako nakatira. Ngayon ko lang napansin na hindi pala ang bahay na tinitirhan ko ang tinahak namin kanina.
Pumasok kami sa loob ng mansyon. A loud music invaded my ears as soon as we got in. Sobrang ingay sa loob at naghahalu-halo ang dalawang music.
“STROLLING TO THE MOOOON!” a womanly voice sang with an obviously newly made lyric.
“DAHIL SALAMAT SA PAG-IBIG KO, PAG-IBIG NIYO. DAHIL WALA KA NA PUSO KO, ANG PUSO MO!” seconded by a tuneless voice of a man.
Sabay-sabay ang mga itong kumakanta. Ang isa, mali ang liriko, habang ang isa naman ay malala pa sa malala.
“KUYA, AYUSIN MO NGA LYRICS MO! YOUR VOICE IS SUCH A PAIN TO MY EARS! AND PWEDE BA? COULD YOU PLEASE LOWER DOWN YOUR MUSIC? IT’S SO LOUD TALAGA, EH! YOUR VOICE IS SO—“
“RICH COMING FROM A BRAT—“ Travis suddenly stopped himself from talking when his eyes darted on my direction. I could feel my blood being drained out from my body.
Sir Helios cleared his throat kaya napabaling ang tingin nila sa aming direksyon. I put my hands behind and pinched myself as nervousness filled my whole being. I hung my head low.
Namatay ang tugtog na kanina lang ay sobrang gulo at napalitan ng nakabibinging katahimikan.
“Dad.” I heard Travis’ cold voice. Ramdam ko ang naguguluhang titig niya sa akin. We’d already met when we were kids, wala noon ang asawa ni Helios dahil naghiwalay ang mga ito.
Sir Helios cleared his throat for the ninth time as he squeezed my shoulder. “She’s Sunshine, your sister,” he introduced. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang kaba niya nang sabihin niya iyon.
“What the hell is this, Helios?” Napaigtad ako nang biglang magtaas ng boses ang asawa niya na kararating lang. Her horrified expression was priceless.
“Hon, I’ll explain,” he nervously said.
“What the fucking hell on earth is this child doing here?” bulyaw nito at naglakad papalapit sa amin. Nagtatagis ang bagang niya at namumula ang buong mukha sa galit. I stepped back.
Halos manginig na ako sa takot at kaba. Three pairs of eyes were fixed on me like sharp daggers. “She’s… she’s going to stay with us, honey. John had passed away. She needs to have a shelter to stay.”
It was as if there was an explosion that had happened right before their eyes, everything seems deafened in their ears. Kahit ako ay nagulat din sa sinabi niya. Wait... what? Titira ako rito? We haven’t had a talk about this matter yet. He didn’t discuss this to me.
“The fuck, Dad?” galit na sigaw ni Trisha sa daddy niya at napatayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa couch. She put down the hair dryer she’s holding.
“Isha, watch your words.” There was a hint of warning in his voice which made Isha zip her mouth shut.
“Dad, anong ibig sabihin nito?” kontroladong tanong ni Travis habang ang mata ay nasa akin pa rin, masama ang tingin at nagtatagis ang mga bagang.
“As I’ve said, she’s going to live with us. Dito na siya titira mula ngayon. She has nothing to stay in that’s why I brought her here.”
His wife shrieked. “You’re impossible, Helios! You can’t do this to us!” sigaw ng asawa nito. “Why would I let that bastard live with us, huh?! Are you out of your mind?! Hindi mo pwedeng patirahin dito ang batang ‘yan! A-And, what about their relatives? Bakit hindi na lang siya ro’n? Bakit?!”
“Anak ko siya, Luna.”
“And so?! Wala akong pakialam! ‘Wag mong ipakita sa akin iyang pagmumukha ng batang ‘yan dito! Hindi natin siya kailangan! Wala tayong makukuhang silbi riyan!” she shouted angrily and a tear escaped from her eyes. “Please, Helios! You’re out of your mind! Palabasin mo ‘yan dito!” nandidiring saad niya.
“Luna!” he yelled. “Anak ko rin siya! Sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, titira siya rito!”
Napahikbi si Ma’am Luna. Mabilis naman na lumapit dito si Isha na lima o anim na taon ang tanda sa akin. She hugged her mother and caressed her back. “H-Helios, ano bang pumasok diyan sa isipan mo? Really, huh? Patitirahin mo iyan dito? A-after… everything I’ve sacrificed just to save our marriage and our family?! A-are you really… doing this to me?” Napailing si Travis at inalo ang ina.
“M-masaya naman na tayong lima lang ng mga anak natin, ah?” narinig kong humihikbing sabi ni Luna. “Are we not yet enough? B-bakit, Helios?”
It seems like Sir Helios didn’t hear anything from her, he just remained standing next to me. Until Luna calmed down and the twins sent her to her room. Dinala naman ako ng isang kasambahay sa magiging kwarto ko. Nang makakita ng kama ay agad akong dumapa rito at nakatulog.
NAGISING ako sa gitna ng malalim na gabi, pinagpapawisan at hinihingal. Napabalikwas ako at napahawak sa aking dibdib. Bangungot. Pigil ang luhang kumurap ako at bumalik sa pagkakahiga.
Hold yourself, Sunny. Hindi ka pwedeng umiyak. Hindi mo puwedeng hayaan ang sarili mong mahina na naman.
Today is too much, bukas naman kapag hindi na talaga kaya. I looked at the bedside table and saw a tray of food. Dinala ito ng isang kasambahay kanina pero ‘di ko ito magawang kainin. To distract myself, I forced my mouth to eat it.
Kinabukasan naman ay ginising ako ng isang kasambahay para daw umano ay tulungan akong maligo dahil magsisimula na ang breakfast. I was a bit disoriented dahil nagtaka pa ako kung nasaang lugar ba ako. I was panicking, mabuti na lang at pinaalalahanan ako ng katulong sa bahay na ito.
Pagkababa ko mula sa grand staircase, dumiretso ako papuntang dining area at naabutan ang mga tao na sobrang tahimik. My heart skipped a beat.
Sir Helios looked at me and motioned me to come over. “Sit there.”
Tumango ako at umupo sa isang bakanteng upuan, katapat ng upuan ni Quinn na tahimik lang at masama ang tingin sa akin. I immediately looked away as I find it so painful to look at her eyes with hatred in it. I saw through my peripheral vision how Sir Helios reached his wife’s hand but the latter pulled her hands back. He sighed.
The breakfast ended with an uncomfortable silence. The servants did their jobs kaya hindi na ako nakapagprisintang tumulong.
Inilibot ko ang paningin sa malawak na sala sa mansiyong ito. The ambiance of the house screams luxury and privileges. The white scheme with a touch of gold emphasized its modernized spanish style.
I sighed and was about to go back in my room when a hand suddenly gripped on my arm. Quinn looked at me angrily. Kumalabog ang dibdib ko sa kaba.
“So this is your plan, huh?” she spatted, digging her nails on my arm. Betrayal, pain, and anger were visible on her face.
“Bitiwan mo ako,” malumanay kong saad at nang akmang babawiin ang braso ay hinigpitan pa niya ito. Nanliit ang kaniyang galit na mga mata at nagtiim ang kaniyang bagang. Her tears started to build up.
“Kaya ka ba n-nakipaglapit sa akin dahil plinano mo na ito? Na sirain ang p-pamilya namin, huh?! Kaya ba nagbabait-baitan ka sa akin sa school dahil gusto mong makipaglapit?! Para kuhanin ang loob ko’t pumasok sa pamilya namin?!”
I was taken aback from her questions. I shook my head. “Of c-course not.”
“‘Wag ka nang magmaang-maangan! Mommy told me everything! Na anak ka sa labas ni Daddy!” she shouted and dug her nails on my skin, causing me to feel so much pain. “Bakit, huh?! W-why do you have to make our mother hurt?”
“Quinn, let go of my arm, you’re h-hurting me,” I said and held her hand on my arm. Tinanggal ko iyon at napahawak ako rito.
“Shut up!” She hissed, her voice was shaking. “Think you’re desperate enough?! Dahil ba wala na kayong pera kaya l-lumapit ka sa daddy ko?! Wala na ba kayong makain kaya ka lumapit sa amin?! Oh, poor you, bitch! Anak ka lang sa labas! My dad won’t ever love you! Kami lang ang mahal niya! Siguro, napipilitan lang siyang tanggapin ka dahil naaawa siya sa ‘yo! Imagine, fifteen years of your existence, hindi ka niya t-tanggap! Hinding hindi ka niya matatanggap! You’re just a daughter of a whore who seduced my dad to get a bunch of money!” She pushed me which had me sat on the cold floor.
“You’re a bitch’s daughter! Kung inaakala mo na matatanggap ka namin dito! Sorry to tell you this, we won’t! We would never!” She started to get hysterical.
I clenched my fist. “My mother is not whore,” mariin kong sabi.
“Oh, yes, she isn’t! ‘Cause a whore itself couldn’t define your witch mother! What a home-breaker bitch!” I haven’t seen this side of Quinn ever since we became friends. She’s prim and proper before. But now? I don’t think anymore.
You know nothing, Quinn…
Nagtiim-bagang ako. It won’t make a sense if I lie low myself and give in to a fight with her. Afterall, we are sisters. I should be on her side in able to have a peaceful life while living with her inside a house.
Nagbuntong-hininga ako at tumalikod na. Ayaw ko siyang patulan dahil alam kong nadala lang din siya ng kaniyang emosyon. Aftershock siguro dahil sa natuklasan na sikreto ng kaniyang pamilya.
“I-I trusted you the most. A-akala ko, you’re genuine when you approached me. Akala ko, totoong kaibigan na kita. But you… b-betrayed me.” Nabasag ang kaniyang boses at napahikbi.
Napapikit ako nang mariin. “I… I’m sorry…”
“I’ll make you regret ruining our family, Sunshine. Mark my word. I’ll make your life more miserable until you beg me to forgive you…” she whispered, threatening me.