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I sat on Daniel's bed, surrounded by his clothes that Simon was pulling out and placing on the mattress. They needed to be put in the bag that was open on the floor. I couldn't really bring myself to do anything though.
I'd been staring into space for the past of half an hour, not really processing anything that was being said to me. Daniel was going to be heading to the operating theatre any moment now.
"Karin...did you say that you've spoken to his sister?" Simon asked, sitting down beside me on the bed that hadn't been made. The covers were still crumpled from where Dan had got out of it, and left it.
"Daniel rang her whilst I was still with him." I replied and held my head in my hands. "She says that she's booking a flight."
"Good." Simon said assertively and put his arm around my shoulder. "He'll be alright, especially with you seeing him."
"I'm so pleased that the appointment didn't get canceled, if it had done and..."
"Hey, come on," Simon cut me off, squeezing my shoulder. "You can't think like that, none of us can. We can't end up like Sam."
"Is he alright on his own?" I muttered, looking up at the person who held the second highest engineering role in the team. Sam was not fine mentally in the slightest. Not forgetting his badly broken leg.
"He thinks I've gone to get some milk...Sam can't know about Dan just yet, that'll push him over the edge."
I let out a gasp after processing Simon's words. Sam was another friend of many years, someone who had always tried to make me smile.
"Karin, look at me." Simon enforced, tilting my chin up.
"Everything is going to be okay." I tried, staring straight through Si. I didn't believe a word I was saying. "It has to be."
"Right, now let's get this bag packed so you can be there when he wakes up from his surgery."
"He will remember me, won't he?" I asked, suddenly panicked once more.
"It is impossible for Daniel to forget you."
Silence.
"You really like him, don't you, Karin?" Simon whispered.
---
Ten minutes later Dan's bag, consisting of enough clothes and toiletries to last him a week, was placed in the back of Simon's car. Simon would not let me drive back to the hospital.
Whilst Simon was placing the hold-all in the boot of his Infiniti, I gingerly ventured into the kitchen to make sure that all the lights were off and the windows were shut.
I stopped in my tracks, noticing the fridge decorated in letters and photographs. The majority of the images were Paul and Daniel, laughing, joking around together. My eyes stung ferociously as I gulped back the tears. It hadn't even been a month since the plane had gone down.
I tried and tried to tear my eyes away from from the pictures, but I wasn't having any success. It was only when my eyeline drifted higher, I noticed one of Daniel and his parents. His poor mum and dad.
Feeling my legs give way, I grabbed onto the worktop behind me. It was however no use, I ended up on the tiled floor, rocking myself back and forward. My head was spinning, my breathing was rapid. I felt like I was falling through the sky again.
I didn't notice Simon calling my name at first, in fact it wasn't until he bent down to my level that I noticed him- his arm was outstretched in order to help me up. It was a living nightmare.
Why were images of flames clouding my vision again?
I gripped onto Simon's arm, I didn't comprehend that my nails were leaving indents in his skin. Si just held me, guiding me back out to his car.
If he was speaking, I couldn't hear him. I couldn't really see what was going on...the house around the lake kept on flashing before my eyes. Smoke, screaming, realisation.
"Please make it stop." I whispered as robotically, on auto-pilot, I got into Simon's car and put my seatbelt on.
I couldn't sense Si at my side as I shut the door and felt for my phone in my pocket. I was coughing and spluttering. The smoke was choking her.
Wrestling with the case my new phone was enclosed in, I tore the shell off and threw it into the footwell. Fuck, there was no time left.
My legs were trembling, and they trembled even more when I saw the figure in front of me, just the other side of the windscreen. Mum.
Breathing more rapidly, confused at what was real and what wasn't, I called a number. My brother picked up after one ring.
"Thomas," I gasped for air, struggling to breathe at all. It felt as if my throat was closing up. "It's happening again."
---
Simon drove us to the hospital in silence, only giving me an occasional glance as I stifled not to say a thought out loud. Thankfully, he had been turning the lights off in Dan's house whilst I...zoned out.
It was only when Simon had the heating on full capacity and we were taking a shortcut to the hospital down the back roads, I landed back in reality.
The familiar feeling rose from the pit of stomach and I leant forward, pressing my hands into my lap. Stars blotted my vision.
"Si, pull over, please." I managed to gulp, struggling to get my words out.
"Sure," he replied and indicated left to pull up on the verge, on the side of the lane.
I didn't say anything, just quickly undid my seatbelt, undid the passenger door and threw up in the ditch. It was fair to say I felt weak, but I knew what was coming after last time.
In taking a few more deep breaths of air, I composed myself and leant on the door of the vehicle where Simon was watching my every move.
"My driving isn't that bad, is it?" he asked, passing me a logo'd bottle of water.
"I can see why you stuck to engineering..." I stuttered, closing my eyes. At least the spinning had stopped a bit now, and I knew what was going on in reality. His driving had nothing to do with it.
"Bloody rude." He laughed, shaking his head. "Are you alright to get back in?"
"Yup, I'm good." I said, standing up straight and taking one final gasp of the fresh air and then water.
"Oh, Karin?"
"Yeah?"
"Cheers for giving me the warning, I would have murdered you if you'd chundered over my seats."
---
I was pacing around outside Daniel's private room. A nurse was running checks whilst he was still unconscious . Simon had gone to speak to the doctor and then he was going to ring Dan's parents.
A few seconds later the nurse appeared at the door and signalled for me to come in. I hoped and prayed that Daniel would come round anytime soon. He had to wake up.
"He's doing really well, he's said a few words whilst drifting in and out." the young nurse spoke. "The sergeant is really pleased with how well the operation went."
"Is he going to be alright?"
"He's going to be fine." she said, looking me in the eye. "Sorry, I should probably ask your name..."
"Karin," I replied, taking my first step into the room. He was there, lying with his eyes shut- a new bandage wrapped around his head. There were several needles in his hand which ran to different machines. He looked so fragile, so precious.
"Ah, your name was mentioned several times before the procedure too." She closed the door behind me and handed me a glass of water from the table. "Do you work for Red Bull also?"
I nodded, unsure whether or not she knew Daniel's exact line of profession. Did she know that we had been on the fatal flight?
"That's nice, Karin." She smiled and retreated back towards the door. "I'll be back in twenty minutes to see how he's getting on. Give the red chord a pull if you need anything, okay."
"Thanks." I weakly smiled and she left the room, leaving me with Daniel, who was still sleeping...
I walked over to the window where one of the chairs were, I thought about sitting down...but it didn't seem right. In the end I knelt down at the side of Daniel's bed, on the floor.
His hands were by his sides, on top of the minimal covers that had been placed over him. I had never seen him look so pale. Usually he looked so tanned, but not now.
"Why is it that shitty things always happen to really good people?" I sighed, taking his hand. He didn't respond verbally, just squeezed my thumb slightly. Actually, I was most probably imagining it, he had been under heavy anesthetic.
I rested my head on the bed sheets, being careful not to headbutt his hip. Why did he deserve this? The room was so quiet that I could hear him breathing softly- long, deep breaths a few seconds apart. I zoned out to the patronizing beeps of the machines. He was still alive...
"I mean, all you have done is look out for us..." I shook my head, tracing a pattern on his palm. "Crikey, Dan...all you have done is make me smile and I didn't think that anyone was capable of that...not after..."
I trailed off, making sure that he was still asleep. He was still unconscious.
"C'est pour toi que je suis là, Daniel." (I am here for you) I whispered, scraping away his dark brown curls from his face. "Je ne ai jamais senti comme ça à propos de quelqu'un avant..." (I have never felt like this about someone before)
"Je pense...je pense que je t-"(I think that...I think that I l-) but I was cut off by the face at the window, it was the nurse back from earlier.
The door softly opened and she poked her head round. "Simon is here now, would you like a bit more time alone?"
"Please." I said, switching back into English mode.
Her eyes flicked across to Daniel and then back to me, where I was still sat on the floor- holding Dan's hand.
Daniel moved his head slightly, his breathing quickened before it stopped for a few, long seconds. I waited...and waited for his chest to rise again, it felt as if it was waiting for years.
After a moment or so one deep brown, dazed eye opened. He began to breathe again and I felt the relief wash over me.
"Fucking hell, Daniel, you had me worried there." I muttered into the bedsheets.
"Karin...." he whispered, clutching my hand. "You're here."
"I'm here."
"How's my head looking?" mumbling, he gingerly felt up to where the thick dressing was. His words were slurred but he was talking.
"Well, can't see much of it." My voice shook as my heart thudded.
He sighed, maybe there was a slight laugh there. He then looked like he was in agony, even with all of the fluids that were being pumped into him.
"I've caused such a fuss." He shook his head and fully opened his eyes, coming round further.
"A bit of drama never hurt anyone..." I uttered, trying to make light of the situation.
"That's a Paul remark."
"I know." I said and he tried to somewhat sit up.
"Can I go home yet..." Dan whined, slumping back into the bed. "Were you speaking in French a moment ago?"
"So you were awake the whole time?"
"I just heard a foreign language, please don't tell me I was imagining it." His eyes grew panicked as he turned to face me. "There were some words I didn't recognise and then some more black, darkness..."
"I wasn't speaking in English all the time, no." I admitted, feeling my cheeks flush red.
"What were you saying, Karin?"
I paused, thinking of what to say. I could tell him, and he'd be none the wiser, or maybe he'd understand. And a part of me wanted him to know what I was saying.
"Je ne suis jamais autant tomber amoureuse comme pour toi avant." I whispered, feeling my already embarrassed shade of pink deepen.
"What does that mean?"
"I guess you're going to have to stick around to find out..." I said, and kissed him gently on the lips.
The beeps on the machine were getting quicker, his heartrate was picking up.
"I should have asked you for a drink much sooner," he murmured against me. "I would have had more of an excuse to say what I wanted to right now, then..."
Daniel opened his mouth to speak once more but he was cut off as a doctor and the same nurse came running into the room.
"Karin, can you come with me please?" she hurriedly spoke, leaving the doctor standing the other side of Daniel's bed.
Reluctantly, and confused at what was going on, I stood up and dusted my trousers off. I gave Daniel a kiss on the cheek and a small, feeble wave.
"I'll see you tomorrow." I said, trying my best to smile.
Blinking back the tears once more, the nurse led me out into the hospital corridor.
"Karin, I don't want to panic you but Daniel is going to be moved to the specialist brain unit in London tonight...the doctor didn't quite realise something during the surgery..." she spoke slowly and quietly, holding my arm. "There's more complications."
"Sorry, why?" I asked, confused as Simon appeared by my right side, leaning towards the door to try and catch a glimpse of Dan.
"It's more complicated than Doctor Logan first thought, he needs another operation as soon as possible and he needs to be in the best possible place for that."
The words were rolling off the tip of her tongue but they weren't really going in. Her sentences weren't making sense.
"You said he was fine..." I stuttered, feeling liquid trickle down my cheek.
"He is fine, we just need to make sure that he'll be fine for the long run." the nurse attempted to reason, keeping my arm steady.
"Okay." I said, nodding- feeling the room begin to spin.
"I shouldn't really be doing this but...I've wrote down my mobile number and I want you to text me...if you need to. I'm going with Daniel to the unit tonight and I'll keep you updated as best I can."
She held out a bit of paper and I took it, putting it in my pocket.
"Thank you." And I meant it, small things were really beginning to count.
"No worries, Karin. Simon is going with us too...he's going to sort out a hotel for you for the next two nights near the hospital." The nurse continued to explain as Simon turned round.
"I want you to stay with Sam tonight, Karin. I'll come pick you up tomorrow morning and we'll go back to London." Si rattled off but my mind was swimming. It was hard to make sense of it all.
"Are you dropping me back at yours then?" Was all I managed to say.
"Someone is coming to pick you up, now. You can't possibly drive." he said, pulling out his phone to check his messages. "They're outside."
"Uh, okay." I said not knowing what else to say. "I'll see you tomorrow then..."
"I'll text you, Karin. Do not worry, Dan is in the safest hands." He gave me a hug as the nurse smiled weakly.
"Tell him his sister will be over tomorrow evening." I replied and walked away.
My mind was blank, I wasn't thinking anymore, and I certainly wasn't feeling anything as I walked along the white corridors towards the exit. Was I angry? Upset? No, just empty.
I kept walking, kept not-thinking, not-feeling...until I reached the exit and saw who was waiting for me. I could recognise his blonde mop of hair from a mile off.
I picked up my pace and jogged over to him, the tears were back.
"Evan," I cried, as I fell against him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in tight as I sobbed into his chest.
"Stroud, I've missed you." he said, kissing the top of my head, hugging me tighter.
"Ev, Dan is in so much trouble." I continued, shaking violently.