3 months later
"Cas?" Dean asked walking into the main room of the bunker. He couldn't find the angel anywhere. He looked to Sam and Jack who were packing bags with weapons. They'd found a case involving three dead bodies and what looked to be a pack of werewolves a couple of hours away and were just about ready to leave. "Have you guys seen Cas?" he asked both of them.
"I think he's downstairs," Sam said, zipping up his bag. "I think he's painting. He said he had a rough night."
Dean nodded. "Meet you guys at the car in a few," he said. He tossed the keys to Sam and headed down the stairs to the basement. If Cas had had another rough night he hadn't told Dean. And Dean hadn't woken up to Cas screaming like he usually did when the angel had nightmares.
"Hey, Cas," Dean said when he finally found the angel in what had become Castiel's art room in the last few months. There were over a dozen paintings on tables, leaning against the walls or propped up on easels. Dean hadn't been down there in a while, and he was surprised to see how much Cas had done in the past few weeks. They were all beautiful. Mostly landscapes, but a few of animals and humans, and even one of Dean with his head down, smiling. Cas really did have a talent for this, but the fact that he had so many new pieces only told Dean that his anxiety had spiked and it made it difficult for Dean to enjoy the angel's work.
"Dean," Cas said, turning to him, surprised. "I thought you had left."
"We're about to," Dean said, stepping closer to the angel. "But I had to say goodbye." He waited for Castiel to put his supplies down and then gripped the angel's forearms in his hands, gently. "Are you okay?" he asked, sincerely.
"Of course," Cas replied, looking into the hunter's eyes.
"Cas," Dean said, eyeing him. "I know why you paint, and Sam just said you had a rough night. Be honest with me."
Cas sighed and looked down. He moved out of Dean's grasp. "He wasn't supposed to say anything," he said.
"Why?" Dean asked, moving closer to Cas again. "Cas, why didn't you say anything?"
"Because I didn't want to worry you, Dean," Cas said, looking back up at him with his puppy dog eyes. "And I didn't want you to feel responsible for me. I wanted you to go on this hunt. You need that. I didn't want to keep you here."
"Cas, if you're having trouble I want to know about it," Dean said sternly.
"Dean, I'm always "having trouble"," Cas said, putting the words in quotes. "So are you. Our lives are trouble."
"You know what I mean, Cas," Dean said, staring hard at the angel.
"Dean, I'm okay," Cas said, reassuringly.
"Really? Then why all the new paintings?" Dean said, gesturing with his hand. "Cuz you only paint when you are having nightmares and panic attacks about Uriah. So are you having them more now?"
"I never stopped having them, Dean," Cas said softly. "I just stopped telling you about them because I found a way to deal with it. And this is it." He gestured to his work. "And it really does help me. And then I don't have to burden you with every nightmare or panic attack that I have."
"Cas, you're not . . ." Dean got angry enough that he turned away from the angel, rubbing his hands on his face. He looked back at him. "You're not burdening me when you tell me that you are having a hard time!" He didn't mean to yell but he did. "I love you, damn it! You are everything to me, Cas, and I want to know what's going on with you! You aren't protecting me by hiding this from me!"
"Dean, I'm not . . . I'm not hiding it," Cas said. "I'm trying to handle it on my own."
"Well, stop!" Dean shouted. "Stop trying to handle it on your own, Cas. Let me help you!"
"Dean, you do help me," Cas said softly, in a way that made Dean's anger dissipate. "You help me every single day. You show me I'm loved, and you remind me that I'm strong and that I'm safe. I know that I'm not alone because of you. You, and Jack, and Sam, you all help me. But this, this also helps me. It's therapeutic. And, yes, I do it more when I'm dealing with particularly bad anxiety but I also do it to keep the anxiety at bay. And because it makes me happy."
Dean sighed. He stepped close to the angel once more. "I'm sorry," he said, putting his hands on Castiel's arms again. "I don't want you to quit doing this, Cas, I really don't. They're beautiful and I love that it makes you happy. And I'm glad that you've found something that helps you. I am. Just promise me that you'll let me know what's going on with you, okay? I don't want to go months at a time without knowing that you're struggling." He rubbed his hands up and down the angel's arms, looking into his eyes.
Cas nodded. "I promise," he said. His closed his eyes as the hunter placed a kiss on his forehead.
"Do you ever have days without nightmares or anxiety?" Dean asked.
"Sometimes," Cas assured him. "It comes in stretches. I'll have a few rough days in a row and then a few days that are better, and back and forth. But, Dean you are there for all of it. You are there for me, and I know that. And I don't know that this is something that will every be completely gone. Or fixed. I think I'm just going to have to lean on my family and find things that make me happy and help me cope. Like you," he said, smiling and reaching his arms around the hunter's waist.
Dean smiled, too. "You do look pretty cute in that smock," he said, eyeing the angel. His trench coat and suit jacket were off, which was rare for the angel and the sleeves of his white dress shirt were rolled up to his elbows.
Cas smiled. "I could wear it for you later," he said, biting his lower lip in the way that drove Dean crazy.
"As long as it's all you're wearing," Dean said with a smile. He grabbed Cas by the straps of his smock and kissed the handsome angel softly, gently. He felt Castiel's full, rough lips against his own, his hands pressing into his back, pushing them together. "Mmm, you can't do this to me now," he said in between kisses. He kept meaning to pull away but he couldn't, so eventually Cas had to.
"Dean," Cas said, loosening his grip on the hunter, "you should go."
"I can't leave you now," Dean said, sliding his hands into Castiel's back pockets. The angel jerked slightly at the touch, but smiled.
"Dean," Cas said, grinning. "Sam and Jack are waiting. And I don't think you wanting to feel up my ass is going to be a good enough excuse to satisfy Sam when he asks why it took you so long." He kissed the hunter one more time. "Now go," he said, and backed away, smiling.
"Ooh, I love it when you get bossy," Dean said. He winked at his boyfriend and left the room.
**********
A few nights later Dean was lying in bed when he felt an arm reach around his waist and then Castiel's breath on his shoulder. The angel pressed close to him. "Hey," Dean said, not turning around, his eyes still closed. "I thought you were going to try staying up to avoid having nightmares."
Castiel sighed. "It didn't work," he said. "So I figured I might as well be in here with you." He nuzzled Dean's shoulder with his nose. The hunter rolled over to face him.
"You had a nightmare while you were awake?" he asked, concerned.
"I guess so," Castiel said. "I thought not sleeping might help me avoid them but I'm having these visions or whatever you want to call them when I'm awake too."
"About Uriah?" Dean asked and Cas nodded.
"Dean, you did kill him, right?" Castiel said, starting to tremble slightly.
"Yeah, we did, Cas." Dean took the angel into his arms and hugged him tightly. "Cas, he's dead, I promise." But his boyfriend was still trembling. "You're safe," he said, and held Castiel tighter.
"It's not me I'm worried about, Dean," Castiel said, finally. "It's you."
Dean pulled away and looked at the angel. "What?" he said. "Cas, what are you talking about?"
Cas wiped away tears. "The last few days now I've been having nightmares, visions of Uriah, but he's not hurting me, Dean. He's hurting you."
"Cas, it's just a side affect of everything you went through, okay? It's not real. Uriah's dead. I promise."
"Dean, I don't know," Cas said, unconvinced. "Every time it happens it feels so real. And all I can do is stand there and watch, helpless, frozen with fear and anxiety while he tortures you." He looked into the hunter's eyes. "I can't lose you, Dean," he said, tears falling again. "I can't let anyone hurt you. If Uriah . . . "
But he was cut off by Dean's finger touching his lips. "Cas, Uriah can't hurt me. He's dead. I saw him die. I'm safe. Okay? Trust me. It's just the anxiety."
Castiel nodded and Dean gave him a gentle kiss to reassure him, feeling the angel's tears on his lips.
"You want to try and get some sleep?" Dean asked, wiping the rest of Castiel's tears away with his thumbs.
Cas nodded again. He rolled over and Dean snuggled up behind him, draping his arm around the angel's waist.
"Goodnight, Cas," Dean said, yawning.
Cas smiled slightly, relaxing into the warmth of Dean's body. He rested his arm on top of Dean's and gripped his hand tightly as they fell asleep.
***********
When Dean woke up the next morning Castiel was gone. He threw on his robe and headed out to the kitchen for some breakfast and coffee. But he was shocked awake when Sam, Cas, Jack, and Mary all started singing "Happy Birthday" to him. They were gathered around the island which was filled with bacon and pancakes and they had the biggest smiles on their faces, along with the corniest birthday hats Dean had ever seen.
Sam walked up to his brother after the song, holding a pancake with a candle stuck in it. "Come on, birthday boy, blow it out," he said.
Dean raised an eyebrow at his brother, still trying to figure out what exactly was going on, but he blew out the candle and let Sam put a birthday hat on him, and they all clapped. "Coffee," was all he could manage as he sat down at the table.
Mary poured Dean his coffee and brought it over to him, sitting down across from him at the table. After a few sips Dean spoke again. "Is it really my birthday?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.
"Yep," Mary said, laughing slightly. "And you know what's special about this birthday? I'm actually here for it." She smiled at Dean and squeezed his hand. "I love you," she said.
"I love you, too, Mom," Dean said, squeezing her hand back.
"Food?" she asked.
Dean nodded and a second later the huge stack of pancakes and bacon was sitting in front of him. "Ahh, yes," he said, the smell of the bacon waking him up. He grinned and grabbed several pieces, shoving them all into his mouth at once.
"Good?" Mary asked.
Dean nodded, his cheek bulging from the all of the bacon inside it.
"Jack and Sam made everything," Castiel said, smiling at how much Dean was enjoying his food.
Dean looked at his brother and Jack. "Thanks," he said, swallowing, and then immediately shoving more bacon in his mouth.
They spent the day playing family games and talking, and after dinner Dean opened a few presents. Sam got him beer and some polish to spruce up Baby. Mary gave him a picture frame with a photo of the two of them in it, and Jack said he would be back and got up from the table. A few minutes later he returned with a pan and set it down on the table.
"Woah, no way," Dean said, smiling like a giddy child. "Rice Crispy Treats!"
"Castiel said that you like them," Jack said.
Dean looked at Cas. "Well, where's my gift from you?" he said.
"You'll get it later," Cas replied, smiling, which made Dean blush.
Mary helped Jack dish out the Rice Crispy Treats and they hung out for a couple more hours before everyone starting heading to bed.
"Hey, Sammy," Dean said, catching up with his brother in the hallway.
"Yeah?" he said.
"This, all of this, it really meant a lot to me. I never would have even remembered my birthday, and having Mom here . . . I never thought that would happen, so thanks." He patted his brother's shoulder.
Sam smiled. "Happy birthday, Dean," he said.
"Goodnight, Bitch."
"Night, Jerk."
Dean walked down the hall to his and Castiel's room and opened the door. He stopped and stood in the doorway, dumbfounded, when he saw Castiel standing next to a bed that he didn't recognize. It was much larger than their previous bed and was made of beautiful oak wood. The headboard had intricate carvings on it. Dean couldn't take his eyes off of it. It was stunning. "Cas, what is this?" he said, confused, but intrigued at the same time.
"One of your presents," Cas replied, smiling at the stunned look on Dean's face. "Not that I don't love being smashed up against you all night, but I thought we could use something bigger."
"Where did you get it?" Dean asked in amazement, moving closer to the bed and kneeling on the mattress to run his his hands across the headboard. It was so smooth Dean almost felt like he was cheating on Baby.
"I made it," Castiel said.
Dean turned and looked at him, shocked. "You what?" he said in disbelief.
"I made it," Castiel repeated.
"You're kidding," Dean said. "Really?"
"Yes," Cas said, tilting his head. He was very confused now. "What's wrong?"
"Wrong? No, nothing's wrong," Dean said, looking back at the bed. "I'm just really impressed, Cas. I mean, I knew you could paint, but I didn't know you could do this, too. It's incredible."
Cas blushed and smiled. "I guess I have a few hidden talents," he said.
"Is this a new mattress, too?" Dean said, sitting on the edge of the bed and bouncing up and down slightly. He smiled like a giddy little boy. "Haha, bouncy."
"It is," Castiel said, smiling at the hunter, adoring him.
"So, you said this was one of my presents," Dean recalled, looking back at the angel. "What's the other one?"
Castiel smiled even more and stepped closer to Dean, sliding his trench coat and suit jacket off and letting them fall to the floor. "Me," he said, and he could see the hunter's eyes light up as he straddled him and they began to kiss. He felt Dean trying to remove his tie and he smiled slightly through the kiss and snapped his fingers, and in an instant they were both under the blankets on their new bed, completely naked. Cas rolled on top of Dean and spread his wings. He used the tips of his feathers to stroke the hunters face as he pressed soft kisses to his neck, and then his bare chest, making his way down his abdomen.
"Cheater," Dean said, smiling, but his breath catching in his throat at the same time, his heart beating rapidly at the angel's touch.
Castiel smiled as he continued to kiss the hunter. He felt Dean's abdomen rising and falling as he lips pressed against it again and again. And then he sat up, his hands resting on is boyfriend's hips. He looked over the hunter's perfect body. His eyes met Dean's and he smiled even wider at the expression on his face. He enjoyed watching the hunter's chest rise and fall. He moved closer to Dean again, lowering himself so that their chest's were touching, and kissed him, supporting himself on his hands. He curled his wings under and used them to stroke the hunter's sides and legs, and he felt Dean's strong hands low on his back, pushing them together. The hunter was trembling.
"Cas," Dean said, breathing heavily, wishing he had more hands. He wanted them everywhere on the angel. His face, his back, his chest, moving through his soft, dark hair and beautiful wings. He couldn't get enough of his lover. The angel's soft cheek was caressing his now and he felt him nibbling on his ear.
"Cas," he said again a moment later, almost at a breaking point as he felt the angel's lips move to his neck. "I can't . . ." His eyes were closed. He was so close.
But then, just as Dean's body gave in, a brilliant blue light emanated from Castiel's eyes and his magnificent wings spread out, spanning the length of the room. They both let out one, last, satisfied moan, as they released together, and then relaxed, breathing heavily. They smiled and even laughed slightly, pressing their foreheads to each other's.
"Well, that was pretty perfect," Castiel said, trying to catch his breath. "And quite blissful."
"Yeah, it was," Dean said, smiling, and chuckling slightly at Castiel's choice of words. "Definitely blissful." He reached up and placed his hands on the angel's neck. "I love you, Cas," he said sincerely. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too, Dean," Castiel said. He placed a sweet kiss on the hunter's lips and then rolled onto his back and Dean snuggled up next to him, letting the angel hold him.
"Happy birthday, Dean," Castiel whispered as the hunter drifted to sleep.