I hope everyone of you are feeling better after the stunts. If you want someone to talk, I'm always here. Not a empty hope, please talk to me if you need someone to listen.
"How are you feeling, Liam?" Jay questions when we come down for breakfast. Liam is dressed up in my cloths and it makes me smile every time I realise that. And he looks handsome as well, I don't think there is a single day where he doesn't look like an adorable, cuddly teddy bear.
"I'm fine, thanks" Liam answers and Louis wriggles his eyebrows at me with a smirk. Jay drags Liam into the kitchen while I hover over living room.
"So, what happened?" Louis questions eagerly.
"As if you didn't sneak in and see for yourself" I say and he grins.
"You know me so well" he pats me proudly "But did you two kiss before cuddling like husbands?"
"No" I sigh but I was content with last night "But I kissed his forehead though, twice"
"Uhh" he grins brightly "I and Harry may not have kissed that many times, but he gives me lot of forehead kisses. When I asked the reason, he said forehead kisses are special and saved only for really special ones"
What else should I expect? Louis is a goner.
"Right." I mutter, shaking my head "Now come on, it's getting late for school"
"Yeah" he nods and we walk into the kitchen. Jay is chattering away with Liam. From experience, I know he isn't very good with strangers but he looks downright uncomfortable and pained to be here.
"I think I should go distract mum from him" Louis sees it as well.
"You should" I nod and he walks over to Jay. Liam quietly slips away, head bowed and shoulders sagged.
"Hey" I talk up when he reaches me "You okay?"
"I am" he nods, even though he is not.
"Breakfast is ready" Jay announces to us.
"I'm not really hungry" Liam tells me but I grab his arm, steering him in deeper. And I feed him the bacons and eggs and he reluctantly lets me with red cheeks.
----
"So, are you planning to ask him out?" Niall questions me while we were walking to lunch together and I blink at him.
"Is that even a question? No" I say and he purses his lips.
"Why not?"
"He doesn't feel the same"
"Did he tell you that?" he demands and I sigh.
"Niall, I can just see it okay?" I shrug "And I'm completely okay with it"
"Are you?" he questions and I look away from him. "Zayn, trust me. I don't think he has ever got this comfortable with someone this soon, okay? It's just you-"
"Niall-"
"And you guys cuddle"
"That's because Liam's cuddly"
"I have never cuddled with him" he states and I stop walking and stare at him without blinking.
"Really?"
"Yeah" he nods. "He won't mind, I suppose. But he will never be comfortable with me like he is with you"
"Niall, stop it" I shake my head and continue walking to get my tray. "He and Harry cuddle all the time. That doesn't mean Liam has feelings for Harry, right?"
"You don't understand" he mutters, getting his tray as well "Zayn, Liam is just different with you, okay? I can see it. Yeah, they both cuddle all the time, but-"
"No, please don't give me hope" I request "I don't want to get hurt"
"As if it doesn't hurt you to be just friends with him" he says and I close my eyes. "I'm sorry, but I just want you both to be happy"
I hush him down when we reach the other boys.
"Neck kisses, I guess" Liam is saying when we are within ear shot and I blink at him.
"Really?" Louis giggles with a smirk thrown my way. Harry is yet to arrive.
"Yeah, absolute weakness of mine" Liam flushes while grinning sheepishly. I open my mouth to question why the hell they are discussing what their weakness is, but Niall whispers to pretend like I didn't hear that. Neck kisses? My thoughts turn indecent and I try hard to shut them down.
"Hey guys" Niall says as I sit down in between Niall and Liam, who gives me a puppy smile as greeting.
"So, what are we doing this weekend?" Niall questions us.
"I and Louis have a date" Harry informs us as he emerges out of nowhere and I raise my eyebrows.
"Okay then, Zaynie?" Niall turns to me, ignoring the way Louis kisses Harry's cheek with a loud smack.
"I don't know, maybe I can give you more guitar lessons" I muse.
"I'd love that" he grins and I smile back.
"You have got a beautiful smile" I tell him and he blinks.
"Thank you" His cheeks turn red slightly and I chuckle.
"Never stop smiling" I pat his cheek and he nods. "Isn't he cute?" I ask others. Harry is like 'yeah, yeah, whatever' while Louis is like 'I know right?' which earns a raised eyebrow from Harry.
"Thanks mate. But I'm straight" Niall says and I roll my eyes, as if I was hitting on him.
"What a pity" Louis says "Zayn must have wanted a piece of that ass"
I choke on nothing while Niall turns beet red. Before I can protest, Niall beats me to it.
"First of all, eww" Niall scrunches up his face "Second of all, nobody is going anywhere near my ass. No offence, Zayn. I'd totally date you if I was into dicks"
"Hey, I never said anything about us dating" I point out "It was Louis and his annoying little mouth"
"You just called him cute" Harry points out, teaming up with his boyfriend.
"Oh yeah, I can call you cute as well. That doesn't mean I'll date you" I say, narrowing my eyes.
"I will rip your dick off if you even imagine that" Louis tells me and I roll my eyes for umpteenth time. One day, it's going get stuck there, I'm pretty sure.
"Puh-lease" I mutter "Shut it, both of you. Annoying brats"
"You were the one to start" Louis says, his mouth half stuffed with mashed potato "Isn't he cute?" he mimics me terribly.
"Louis, no" Harry shakes his head to him with a pointed look at Liam. I turn to look at Liam, who I didn't realise is picking at loose thread in my jeans by my knee, his face set into a frown. The way he is picking at the loose thread, it was like he wants my attention without asking for it.
Niall nudges me pointedly and I didn't know what to say.
"Uhm" Louis clears his throat with a smirk. "Liam, honey, you okay?"
"Uh-what?" Liam snaps out of his thoughts.
"I asked, are you okay?" Louis repeats.
"Yeah, of course I am" Liam mutters, returning to picking at the thread. When I look at Niall, he gives me a shrug and a pointed look.
-----
For a long time, I and Liam go without any argument. It feels nice actually. I feel miserable all the time when we are arguing, and nothing cheers me up.
We have started a habit of talking to each other in phone all night. And he was the one to start it. He called me the very next night of cuddling with him. And I was already asleep when he called. I woke up to ringing of my phone and blinked when it's Liam.
"Hey" I answered, my voice sounding real scratchy because of sleep. "Liam?"
"Oh, god. Sorry if I woke you up" he apologized quickly. "Go to sleep, I will see you tomorrow"
"No, wait" I rolled on to my back, staring at the ceiling. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"It's-I'm just being silly. Don't worry about me" he said.
"Liam, what's wrong?"
"Please don't misunderstand me" he requested "I just-I sort of missed you. I couldn't fall asleep without someone holding me. Teddy can't hold me, only I can hold him and I can't sleep"
"Oh" I blink and smiled after a minute. "Do you have a pillow by your side?"
"Yeah" I heard some rustling sound.
"Okay, roll on to your left from however you are lying down" I told him.
"I did" he answered and I smiled.
"I'm on my right" I told him, rolling onto my right and crushed a pillow to my chest. "And I'm holding a pillow too"
"Oh"
"So, close your eyes and imagine it's me there" god, I was such a sap. But it worked though.
"Okay" I heard his smile.
"I will talk to you until you fall asleep" I told him and he hummed. And I do, telling him one of the bed time stories I used to read to my sisters and soon I heard soft breathing across the line.
"Goodnight, baby" I whispered before hanging up. And it became a routine, talking to each other before going off to sleep. I have no idea what we talk about, it's just, sometimes he falls asleep listening to my voice or I do that. And it's nice, the last thing I hear is his angelic voice.
And I don't know how he feels about falling asleep to my voice. We don't talk about it when we are at school and I suspect he is too shy to talk about it. And now, we doing it again.
"Like, they do have occasional arguments" I shrug to myself in the dark "But, we are still a family, you know."
"Yeah" he agrees. "My parents, they were so in love. They were high school sweethearts"
This is the first time he is talking about them and I listen cautiously. "Oh, I see"
"I'm in high school but look at me" he sighs. "But anyway, I suspect that's why my dad didn't want to remarry someone"
"Oh, but he did?"
"Yeah, I forced him too" his voice goes silent "As I'm blind, he had to take care of me all the time. We needed Nina"
"Nina?"
"My father's ex-wife" he sighs again.
"They divorced" I frown and he hums.
"It's because of me" he whispers. "They divorced a year ago. They were only together for a year and she didn't like me"
"Why?"
"I don't know. Maybe because I'm a burden" he says with a humourless chuckle. "She wanted to be left alone with him, she loved him, you know? But my dad didn't reciprocate that. And she thought I was the one standing in between them"
"The hell"
"He doesn't even talk to me properly anymore Zayn" he says, sounding so blank of emotions. "He does his job as a father and nothing more. Let's be honest, you saw it right? How he treated me?"
"I-I did"
"Yeah and I can't blame him" he sniffs "I know I deserve it. He must miss my mum so much and I'm the reason for it"
"Liam, no-"
"Please don't interrupt" he requests and I go silent. "I miss mum too...."
I have a feeling he is crying at the other end and I sit up, worried.
"I just-I don't know why I'm telling you this" he whispers, his voice choked up. I feel lightning flash across the sky with a loud thunder following behind. "But never take your mum for granted Zayn. Not your mum, or dad. You won't realise their value until you lose them. My mum-she...she died in an accident Zayn. And I feel like I lost both of my parents after the accident"
I feel tears drip down my cheeks, hearing him sound so pained and hurting is hurting me.
"You want to know how much I missed her?" he asks, sniffling "When my dad remarried Nina, she hated me upon sight. I have no idea what she looks like, but all I remember is hurt, pain and suffocation when she was around. She never called me by my name, she knew about my bullying and called me a freak too. When my dad is around, she called me 'sunshine'."
"I didn't care to argue with her, I let her call me whatever she wants. Treat me however she wants. When my dad isn't home, she used to let me starve. I still have no idea why she hated me so much, but whatever she did, I just wanted some attention from her. Even if it's this sort of attention. I never once spoke back against her and I just wanted whatever she gave me. That's how much I missed my own mom. I just prayed she will show me some affection like my mom did. But Nina never cared about me."
"But Harry despised Nina" he continues, getting a bit of control over himself. "He absolutely hated her and the way she treated me. When Nina called me a coward for not able to fight back against all the bullying, he snapped. He yelled so many things at her and she was furious. She and my dad got divorced shortly after and then....here I am"
"I'm so sorry" I whisper, wiping my cheeks. "I didn't know anything about this"
"It's okay" he sighs, sniffling again. "I'm sorry for dumping all of that on you"
"No, don't be" I shake my head "I'm glad you told me. I'm glad you trust me"
He doesn't answer, but I hear him sigh.
"Liam, whatever Nina did to you, you don't deserve it" I tell him firmly "Or this bullying. I'm glad those jocks left you alone now, but you deserved none of it, okay? All you deserve is love and affection. Get that in your head, I won't let you talk shit about yourself again. Okay?"
"Okay" I hear him whisper.
I look out of my window when it starts drizzling.
"It's drizzling"
"Yeah" he answers. "We should go to sleep. It's late"
"We should" I agree "Is your dad home?"
"No, he has night shift" he says "He is always working. All the time. I have no idea what he does with all the salary. Anyway, goodnight Zayn"
"Yeah, goodnight" I tell him, cuddling with my own pillow. But even after we hang up, I couldn't sleep. I have a feeling he can't sleep too, not with all the things he told me tonight.
Getting off my bed, I start packing things into my bag, a set of dress for tomorrow, my brush and my phone. I leave a note to Louis and Jay before leaving, taking my bike. I'm slightly wet when I reach Liam's house. Parking my bike, I walk up to the porch with my bag. And I call him.
"Zayn?" he sounds confused. "What is it?"
"Open the door for me" I request "I'm outside"
"What??"
"It's freezing outside"
"I will be down" he answers and hangs up. I watch as lights flicker on in living room and he opens the door for me, dressed in night dress.
"What are you doing here?" he asks me blankly.
"I-uh- I felt like you aren't okay" I grimace "I wanted to make sure you are fine or maybe cuddle you to sleep"
"You are crazy" He states, but pulls me inside "I can't believe you. What if something happened to you on your way here?"
"It didn't, and that's what matters" I remove my jacket and hang it. "Come on, it's very late"
He shakes his head in bewilderment as I lead him inside. I look around his room as soon as we walk inside. There isn't much in his room honestly, but it's well organised. Bed is pushed into the wall, with my teddy bear against the wall and there are band and marvel posters stuck to the wall. A table with unused laptop and pen stands is set in the corner. A rack holds many collections of books and over all, it's nice.
"It's not much" Liam says but I wave it off.
"You should see Louis' room" I say, sitting down on his bed. Soon enough, we both are cuddled under his warm bed sheets.
"Thank you" he says after sometime "I guess I needed this"
I smile and kiss his head. "Go to sleep, Liam"
----
"So, that's how he asked me to be his boyfriend" Louis finishes with a huge grin. "I'm his boyfriend, Zaynie. Can you believe it?"
"I can and you gotta shut up" I tell him, noticing Harry jogging to catch up with us.
"Oh" he notices and keeps his mouth shut as well.
"So, um" Liam says when we gather by Louis' car to say goodbyes for the day. "Zayn, do you want to come home with me and spend some time with me?"
Everyone smirks around me while I try not to blush. Is it a date?
"You sure?"
"Yeah, we can hang out and watch a movie maybe" he smiles. "Dad won't mind having a friend over"
There, that was like a slap to my face. And I wasn't the only one feeling that way.
"Yeah, sure" I hope the disappointment isn't obvious in my voice. "I'd love that"
"Come on then" Liam smiles at me, holding out his hand. "We can walk together"
"Don't you have homework to do?" Louis asks me but I ignore him. I can do that later, I can't refuse sometime alone with Liam. Just when we turn around to walk away, I notice something. Aiden is standing by his car with bunch of old kids and one has shockingly same face cut as him.
"Um, let me drop you guys off" Harry interrupts us, grabbing Liam's elbow. His eyes are fixed on Aiden's gang.
"No, I want to walk" Liam protests.
"Liam-"
"We will be fine, Harry" I assure. "Come on Liam."
"No, Zayn. That's his elder brother and friends with him" Harry tells him "And from the looks, Aiden is going to do something."
"I don't care" I mutter "Let me see what they can do"
Despite Harry's protests, I tug Liam along. And Aiden's eyes are fixed on us with a glare. I glare right back.
"Zayn, maybe we should go back to Harry" Liam suggests, worried. But I ignore him. As I walk past their gang, one of the boys try to block our way.
"Care to move away?" I nothing but snap at him. He exchanges a look with Aiden's brother. And I realise he is actually staring at me without blinking.
"Zayn" Liam tugs at hem of my shirt. "Let's go."
I wrap my arm around his torso and shoulder past this guy blocking our way. I look back when I'm at the entrance, to find Aiden's brother still staring at me. Grimacing to myself, I look away.
Walking with Liam while holding his hand feels like a gift and a curse at the same time. I can hold his hand as a friend, but never a boyfriend. And it sucks.
"I will go shower and freshen up" he tells me when I'm cradling Baymax in my arms, who is surprisingly affectionate with me out of nowhere. "I hope you don't mind"
"No problem, take as much time as you want" I tell him, settling down in living room. I turn on the TV as I wait, Baymax resting his head on my chest like a content puppy. I turn to look when I hear the door opening and closing and Liam's father emerges, stopping when he sees me.
"Hello, sir" I stand up to greet him.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" he questions me, hanging his jacket.
"I'm good now"
"With Liam too, I guess" he says and I nod. "Good then, he was really down without you"
I feel warmth spread in my insides as I flush.
"Tea?" he questions when I don't answer.
"Sure, sir" I nod again and follow him to the kitchen. Because it seems to be the right thing to do. I lean onto the counter as he makes tea.
"How long have you known him?" he questions as he hands me a mug.
"Nearly four months, I guess" I say thoughtfully, a bit surprised that so much has time has gone already "Why?"
He shakes his head, but he is smiling into his mug.
"Have never seen him quiet this way with someone before" he answers after a minute.
"I have heard that one before" I nod "But really, I think I don't take no for an answer. So he is burdened with my presence"
"No? No to what?" he asks and I shrug.
"Literally everything" I say softly "He won't say what's wrong, he won't speak at all, at the beginning. I will push him too much and he will end up snapping or shouting at me. Used to happen every time"
He nods and checks if Liam is coming. "Let me tell you something" he says and I lean closer in curiosity "If you ever have a feeling if he is down or depressed, don't ask him about it, just hold him close. He will start talking about it without realising it himself"
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah" he smiles, a sad smile. "He has always been a demanding baby, you see. Demanding too many kisses, won't go to sleep until someone cuddles him to sleep, never fails to shower us with kisses as well"
I didn't miss the way he said us, but not him. He is still mourning over his wife.
"He is still that way?" I question and he nods, sipping his tea while mine is long forgotten. "But..." I don't see you let him anywhere near you. And he got what I didn't speak out.
"Dad?" Liam emerges and there goes my chance to know more. "You are early"
"I am" his father's tone is clipped and Liam bows his head, his face falling. I try not to glare at his dad, but I just know there must be a reason for this treatment too.
"Let's go" I tell Liam, placing the half-full cup of tea on the sink. "See you later, Mr. Payne"
With that, I grab Liam's arm and lead him upstairs.
I sit on his bed and watch him. And he follows suit and remains silent, no longer smiling. I recall what his father said and I'm going to give it a go.
Taking a deep breath in, I pull him into my arms. He clearly didn't see it coming, because he gasps. I hold him close, resting my head on his as it rests against my chest. My heart breaks a little when he holds me tightly, like he was craving for it.
"I-I miss my dad so much" I hear him whisper and indeed, his father was right. I didn't have to ask Liam what's wrong. Before I can ask further question, Liam continues.
"We used to be so close, you know?" he says, his hands fiddling with my jacket on my back. "But after-after mum died, it was never the same"
I gulp when I feel wetness in my jacket and pull him impossibly closer.
"It's okay, I'm here" I press a kiss to his hair.
"I deserve this treatment" he says instead and his voice cracks twice.
"Liam...."
"Really, I do" he sniffs. I want to ask him why he thinks he deserves it, but I don't want him to cry, so I let it go.
"Liam...."I say with a warning "Don't"
He just sniffs and I call him again.
"Hmm?"
"I want to see your eyes" I say and he goes silent. "Please? I don't care what they look like, I just want to. I won't judge I promise"
"No, Zayn. They are really ugly" he whispers but I shake my head. I cup his head with both of my hands and tears drip down his cheeks. I brush them away softly with my thumb.
"It's okay, sweetheart" I say assuringly, removing his glasses. "Come on, open your eyes"
He gulps, and it seems like a physical struggle to him. His eyes flutters few times, but he doesn't open them right away. With trembling lips, he opens his eyes, struggling to breathe. I stare into them, realising how long I have wanted to see them. They are in colour of dark chocolate, with amber flexing into them. In his right eye though, I see grey clouding around his iris. Must because of his blindness.
"They are ugly, aren't they?" he whispers, eyes flooding up.
"They aren't" I insist "I love them"
"Shut up" he says and I scoff. I lean forward and kiss his wet eyes one by one and they flutter close under the touch. And this seems to make him cry even harder and I hug him close to me again. And we stay in each other's embrace for few more minutes before he breaks it.
"I want to show you something."
I release him and he bends down to retrieve something from under the bed. It was some album and he visibly hesitates while giving it to me.
"Please don't laugh" he requests "I have never shown this to someone after...." He trails off, looking like he might cry again. After the accident, I get it.
"Never mind" he quickly adds "Here"
And then he cuddles into my side, arms around my waist and head resting on my shoulder. I wrap my arm around his shoulder and use one hand to flip the album open. It was his photo album!
The first photo I see is baby Liam biting his finger as he watches something curiously with wide eyes. He looks so cute and beautiful that if I can, I will pepper his face with kisses. Those chubby cheeks and blonde hair is so cute.
"You are cute" I tell him.
"Shut up"
"Seriously Liam" I say as sincerely as possible "If I can have the baby Liam in my arms now, I will spoil him with kisses. You are so cute"
He turns beet red and hides his face into my shoulder. He is not even uncomfortable at the idea of me kissing him....
"Next" he mutters and I chuckle before flipping the page over. And this is baby Liam winking at the camera. Honestly, I wish I can pinch his cheeks and press kisses all over them. I see pictures of his mum too, and can only imagine how much he must miss her. And as it goes, I fall for Liam even more. He is just so beautiful and my heart aches to have him as mine. He used to have this old Justin Bieber hair style before this I guess, before he went blind. And that hair style suits him too, looking soft and silky over his forehead. He is smiling sideways at something and I just stare at the photo for two minutes straight.
"Hey?" he calls softly and I blink.
"Yeah?" I trace the photo softly with my finger.
"Have you finished?"
"No" I shake my head, though this seems to be the last picture. "You are really cute, Liam"
He doesn't say anything to that and I need to plaster my mouth or cut off direct connection to it and my heart.
"Cuter than Niall?"
Huh?! "Huh, what?" I can't look at his face properly as he is resting his head on my shoulder.
"Nothing" he shakes his head and I bite my lip. Maybe Niall is right? Maybe, I do have a chance? I close the album and place it aside before turning to him.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing" he flushes.
"Nothing? Are you sure?" I question with a smirk.
"I'm sure"
"Hundred percent sure?"
He rolls his eyes and I get to see that for the first time.
"Hundred percent sure" he says.
"Ah" I smirk before starting to tickle him. And he laughs uncontrollably, trying to get away from my assault. And he does, scrambling away from the bed and pants by his table. But I don't spare him, dashing after him and continue tickling mercilessly.
"Zayn, Stop!" he exclaims, eyes all scrunched up and trying to push me away by my shoulder.
"What did you say then? Tell me" I demand, stilling my hands but leave them on his waist.
"You are an idiot" he grins and I smile. Of course, I'm not offended.
"So are you" I say and he rolls his eyes again but he is grinning widely. I stare at him, admiring his dark pink lips and mop of curls. And of course his eyes, which are unfocused but bright right now. I don't know what comes up suddenly, but I do a stupid thing.
I lean forward and kiss him.