"Cas is awake?!" Sam exclaimed. "That's great!" He gave his brother a hug but noticed that Dean was not hugging him back, so he pulled away, worried.
"Dean?" he said "What's wrong?"
"I . . . uh," Dean said slowly, looking down, trying to collect his thoughts. He met Sam's gaze. "I think something's wrong with him, Sammy," he said, tears filling his eyes. "Whatever they did to him . . . he's not . . " Dean trailed off as more tears fell and he wiped them away.
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"The way he looked at me, Sam. He wouldn't let me touch him. I mean, it wasn't like I was trying to make out with the guy or something. I just wanted to help him sit up. But he would rather cause himself pain than let me help him. He . . . he was afraid of me."
Sam's eyes filled with compassion. "Dean, look," he said, hands on his brother's shoulders, "Cas has been through a lot. I mean, what he went through, most people, most angels wouldn't have survived that. And he's still dealing with the aftermath of that experience. He's trying to cope. His body and mind are protecting themselves the only way he knows how. Now, you are not a threat. But with the beating he took from Uriah, Cas can't tell that right now. The last time he was touched it caused him indescribable pain, remember? And I'm guessing it's not just you. He's probably not going to want anyone to touch him right now. He needs time, Okay? Just be patient with him. And find ways to love him that don't require touch. Find out what he needs, and be there for him in that way. That will show him that you care for him, and that he can trust you. I know this isn't what you expected, and I know it hurts. But you and Cas, you are stronger than this struggle, okay? You can beat this, together."
"Yeah," Dean said, looking down and wiping his tears away. He patted his brother's shoulder gently. "Better go in and say hi to him. I told him I was coming to get you."
*********
"Hey, Cas," Sam said with a small smile, knocking on the open door to Cas's room. "How are you?" He walked a little closer but was careful not to get close enough to trigger any anxiety in the angel after what Dean had said.
"I've been better," Castiel said, trying to manage a smile. "But it's good to see you, Sam."
"It's good to see you, too, Cas," Sam smiled again. "We were worried about you."
Castiel glanced down. "Yes, that's what Dean said." He felt nervous even mentioning the hunter's name. Not out of fear, but out of guilt.
"Cas, listen," Sam said, moving a little bit closer. He gestured to the chair. "May I?" he asked. He pulled it a little farther away on purpose just to make Cas more comfortable. The angel looked at him and nodded and Sam sat. "Dean kind of shared with me about what happened just now." He looked into Castiel's blue eyes. They looked sorrowful.
Cas looked down again, wringing his hands together. He felt himself starting to tremble again and his breathing became more shallow. He wanted to run, to hide. He was so embarrassed, so ashamed. And the fact that his wings were exposed just made him feel even more nervous and vulnerable. Especially in their broken state. No human had seen them until Dean, and now Sam. Not in their true form anyway. His anxiety was causing his wings to flutter slightly which only caused more pain and he winced and started to recoil again.
"Cas," Sam said gently, putting his hand up, but not bringing it near the angel. "It's okay. I want you to know that it's okay."
Cas relaxed a little, bringing his knees back down, his wings stopped fluttering. He sat up a little straighter. "Sam, your brother . . ." Cas said. "I hurt him." His voice was full of empathy and sorrow, and Sam couldn't believe how much Cas was thinking about Dean. Worrying about him, with everything he'd just been through and was still going through himself.
"Cas, Dean will be okay," Sam assured him. "You both will be. You just need time. You've been through something horrific, and that's not something you can just "get over." And no one should expect you to. Be kind to yourself, okay? It's going to take time for you to heal, physically, emotionally, and mentally. But don't ever be ashamed of your struggle. And don't ever be afraid to ask for help. We're here for you. Me and Dean. We're your family, Cas."
Tears started to fill Castiel's eyes. His gravely voice came out weak and emotional. "Sam, I just, I feel like I should be stronger than this," he admitted.
"Only the strongest people ask for help, Cas," Sam said sincerely. "Only the strongest people can admit when they are struggling. And you, you are one of the strongest people, angels, I've ever known. And you can beat this. And you don't have to do it alone."
"Do you know what's wrong with me?" Castiel asked. "I've never felt like this before, Sam." He sniffled. "I see Uriah in my head every time . . ." he trailed off unable to continue and wiped away tears. "I have memories of what he did to me."
"Cas, I think what you are going through is something that humans call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, for short. It's something that happens when you have a really traumatic experience. You're afraid of being hurt again, you're scared, and I think you're feeling guilty. Maybe guilty about Dean, but also guilty about having a problem in the first place. A lot of times anxiety or depression can be a part of it, too. You're afraid of letting someone touch you because of what Uriah did, but you also feel that having that fear makes you weak, or less valuable, or less loved. Less worthy."
Cas looked down, trying to let Sam's words sink in. "That sounds about right," he said, sniffling again and wiping away a few more tears. "How do I fight it, Sam?" he asked earnestly, looking back up.
"By recognizing it for what it is," Sam said. "By accepting that your are struggling, that you are in a battle, but not one that you are going to let win. That that struggle doesn't make you weak or less worthy. That it doesn't define you. By telling yourself that you are strong and that you can beat it, and by surrounding yourself with family, and people who love you. Like us."
Cas nodded. "Anything else?"
"Try to find things you enjoy doing, and let them be your outlets. When that fear or anxiety or guilt strikes you, turn to those things."
"Like what?" Cas asked, cocking his head to the side.
"Well, like singing, dancing, praying, painting, cooking, writing," Sam said. "There's a million things out there that you can try to help yourself work through those difficult times. Find what speaks to you."
"Is that why you go running?" Cas asked inquisitively.
"Sometimes, yeah," Sam admitted. "I wouldn't suggest that for you in your current physical condition, but, yeah, running helps me cope too. Just remember that you are not alone, Cas, okay? Always keep fighting."
Cas managed to crack a smile, his nervousness dissipating. "Thank you, Sam," he said.
Sam smiled again. "Don't mention it." he said. "Can I get you anything?" he stood and walked towards the door, resting his hand on the frame.
"No, thank you," Cas said.
"We'll come back and check on you soon, okay?" Sam patted the door frame and walked away.
**********
Cas was watching television a couple of hours later when there was a knock on the door.
"Can I come in?" Dean asked, cracking the door open and peeking in hesitantly.
"Of course, Dean," Cas said, turning the television off, giving his friend his full attention.
"I've got someone here who wants to see you," Dean said. He gestured to the doorway and Gabriel walked in, beaming.
"Gabriel?" Cas asked, surprised.
"Hey, little bro," Gabriel said. "I heard you were awake. Thanks for that, by the way. If you hadn't woken up it would have made me look really bad."
Castiel rolled his eyes at his brother. "I understand I have you to thank for helping Sam and Dean find and rescue me." he said. "Thank you."
"Of course," Gabriel said. "Had to help out my little brother. Besides, your boyfriend here wouldn't stop blubbering." He winked at Dean who glared back at him.
"So you came here just to see me?" Castiel asked, skeptically.
"Well, no, but I would have," Gabriel said with a grin. "Turns out though these knuckle heads can't do without me for more than a few weeks." He elbowed Dean in the ribs and Dean grunted, trying very hard not to reach over and strangle the Archangel.
"What do you mean?" Castiel asked. He went to sit up a little bit more and winced as he did, his right wing spasming. He gritted his teeth in pain.
"Ooh, you don't look so good there, bro," Gabriel said, taking a step closer. "Those wings are in rough shape."
"Yes, thank you, I noticed," Castiel replied coolly, grimacing.
"You should let me take a look at them," Gabriel said. "Can you stand?"
Castiel nodded. "I think so," he said. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, but as he did his right wing hit the lamp on the bedside table, knocking it on to the floor. "Sorry," he said, embarrassed.
"I'll just get rid of that," Dean said, coming over to pick up the lamp. "And maybe everything else in a 10 foot radius."
Cas faced Gabriel as Dean moved objects from the room and out to the hallway. "Okay, I think we're good," Dean said coming back into the room.
"How do they feel?" Dean asked. He could tell by looking at them they weren't in good shape. Still bent at odd angles, still covered in blood, feather's missing.
"Not so good," Cas admitted. "Burning, and throbbing, I think, is the best way I can think to describe the sensation. That and sticky. Especially the right one." He moved his shoulders a little bit. "It feels like something's out of place," he said, wincing again.
"Can you move them?" Gabriel asked. Right now the right wing was up higher than the left, jutting out to the side, while the left wing was down, closer to Castiel's side.
"The left one seems more flexible," Cas said. He looked towards his left wing and made it flutter slightly. He moved it up and back down slowly, then back and forth before letting it rest at his side once again. It actually felt good to move it a little. "Mostly it feels sore, and stiff. And like the blood needs to come off."
Dean knew he should be focused on getting Castiel's wings to heal, not on staring at them, but even in their broken, mangled state, he was entranced. He'd seen the angel's wings before, many times in a silhouette, and then of course when they'd found him and brought him back to the bunker, but he had been so worried about Cas he hadn't payed much attention to them until now.
But as Cas stood in front of him, moving his wing up and down, back and forth, letting it flutter, he felt his heart starting to do the same. The fact that Cas was still shirtless wasn't helping either. He realized he was sweating now, and he couldn't believe, once again, that he was having these feelings, these thoughts, about a guy. And not just any guy-an angel. And he wondered, had Cas heard him when he was asleep? Did he know what Dean had said? What he'd confessed? What if he had, and that's why he was so scared of him? What if he'd heard all of it, and he was disgusted by Dean? The flutter in Dean's heart went from desire to panic as the thoughts raced through his head.
"And the right one?" Gabriel asked, snapping Dean out of his daze.
"I can try," Cas said, but a second later he was wincing and clutching onto the desk chair to keep from falling over.
"Okay, don't push it," Dean said. He took a step closer to his friend, but quickly backed off again when Castiel took a step away from him, the same pained, fearful look on his face that Dean had seen only hours before.
"I'm sorry," Dean said, looking down. "I'm gonna go." He excused himself and walked out of the room.
Gabriel watched Dean leave and then turned back to Castiel, raising an eyebrow. "What's up with lover boy?" he asked.
"I don't know what that means," Castiel grunted, sitting on the edge of the bed, being careful not to run into anything with his wing.
"Uh, seriously?" Gabriel said. "You don't know that that smarmy son of a bitch is in love with you?"
Castiel looked down, feeling ashamed once again. "I do know," he sighed. "He told me, while I was asleep. I heard all of it. And it was beautiful."
"So?" Gabriel said confused, waiting for more.
"So, it just makes it that much harder when I hurt him, Gabriel," Cas said, defiantly. "To look at the man I love, and know that he loves me, and to still feel so much fear every time he reaches for me . . . I hate myself for it."
"Woah, woah, little bro," Gabriel said, squatting down to look at his brother in the face. "Don't talk like that. You know that's not what Deano would want. If he truly loves you, and I'm sure he does, that's the last thing he'd want you to feel, okay?" He paused for a second. "Does he know how you feel about him?" he asked.
Cas shook his head. "I never had the courage to tell him," he said feeling ashamed once again. "I was too afraid of how would react. What might happen to our friendship."
"Okay, well, I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry about that now," Gabriel said smirking and standing up.
"Maybe," Cas admitted. "But I don't think I can yet, Gabriel. I'm just not ready. I need time, after everything."
Gabriel nodded. "Okay, well, one thing we do need to do is get that wing of yours back in place," he said, walking around behind Castiel. "It's dislocated, bro. Now, I know you're having trouble being touched right now, but . . . "
"Just do it," Castiel said. "I'll be okay."
"It's gonna hurt like a son a of a bitch," Gabriel warned. He had Castiel stand and held the wing at the dislocated joint near his shoulder blade. "On the count of three," he said. "One," and he pushed hard, snapping the joint back into place.
Castiel screamed and fell to the floor on his hands and knees. He breathed heavily. Once again he was close to tears because of the pain. But it quickly subsided and he realized that the pain in his back and his wing had significantly diminished. And when he pushed himself back to his feet he didn't feel awkwardly off balance like he had before. His wings were level again. He smiled.
"Thank, you, Gabriel," he said.
"Next step, get that blood cleaned off," Gabriel said. "That'll hurt too."
"Can't you just use your grace to heal them?" Castiel asked.
Gabriel shook his head, "Sorry, bro, not with the spell they used to do this to you in the first place."
Castiel sighed. "Do we have to do it now?" he asked. "I'm feeling pretty drained."
"It can wait a little bit," Gabriel said. "You've still got some broken bones," he added, looking over Castiel's black wings again, hovering his hand above them, his grace glowing, not able to heal the brokenness but he could at least asses it. "You're right, your left wing does seem better. Probably best to put that right one in a sling of some sort. The bend, that's where it's broken the most which is why it's so painful to move. We'll take the sling off again when it's time to clean off the blood but for now you shouldn't be moving it."
"Okay," Castiel nodded. He trusted his brother. The idea of someone touching him to put the sling on made his anxiety spike, but he knew he had to do it. I can do this, he told himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Sam's right. I can do this.
"You okay?" Gabriel asked, seeing his brother tremble slightly.
Cas nodded, but he wasn't sure.
"You're okay, bro. No one here is going to hurt you," Gabriel assured him. "Now lets go find big bird and ken doll and see what they have that we can use."
As a side note on mental health, I also believe that the right medication and mental health counselor/therapist can be vital in helping fight and cope with any mental illness, but given Castiel's unique condition, being an angel and all, I didn't mention them as ways for him to cope because I didn't think it would make sense with the story. But I strongly recommend them for any non angels out there who are struggling and need to find help/hope. You are wanted, you are needed, and you are loved.