Chapter Nine
After I finished up in the bathroom, I checked out my other packages. I had one form my parents, one from my brother, one from Sophie, and one from Vampire Domain. I opened all of them but my parents, shoving that, along with Aidan’s painting in my closet. Gregori looked a little worried but when I told him I knew what I was doing, he didn’t say anything else about it.
My brother’s present I didn’t understand. It was a box of tissues and a pack of gum. He was so weird. Sophie sent a box of fortune cookies.
And Michael…
He sent a first edition copy of Hans Christian Anderson’s The Ugly Duckling. I opened the front cover and a slip of paper fell out.
Sit Behind Me. See What’s Underneath.
He was sending me on a scavenger hunt for Christmas.
That made me smile.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.” I tucked the slip of paper back in the book and closed it. “Just something I have to do later.”
He nodded. “Ready?”
“I think so.”
We ended up running around the city for most of the day, going to all the various attractions the city was famous for. We decided to eat lunch in the park and then head over to Rockefeller Center.
“Can you give me one second?”
“Sure.”
We were just about to pass the Hans Christian Anderson statue. That was the only thing I could think of that Michael’s note could refer to. I looked over the bronze statue, smiled at the ugly duckling looking at the iconic writer. It used to be one of my favorite stories as a kid and part of me wondered if Michael didn’t send me that book for that exact reason.
There were benches behind the statue so I sat down on one and thought for a second. I caught a glimpse of Gregori watching me, confusion scribbled all over his face. I must look like a certifiable crazy person. But then again, if he was going to consider me crazy, he would’ve thought it by now.
Underneath…or was it beneath…
I stuck my head between my legs and felt around the bottom of the bench. There was nothing there. Then again there wasn’t a bench directly behind the statue either. They were all equally spaced allowing for two to be on his left and two on his right.
Behind him was the same rock pattern that surrounded the rest of the statue. But there was a white X on one of the rocks.
Oh lord he could be arrested for vandalism. Hell, I could be arrested for vandalism. I pried up the hexagon and underneath was a folded up envelope, Αγάπη written on the top. I picked it up and set the stone back, making sure it looked like no one had messed with it. I settled back on the bench and opened up the envelope.
Αγάπη,
‘Then he felt very bashful, and tucked his head under his wing. He did not know what this was all about. He felt so very happy, but he wasn't at all proud, for a good heart never grows proud. He thought about how he had been persecuted and scorned, and now he heard them all call him the most beautiful of all beautiful birds. The lilacs dipped their clusters into the stream before him, and the sun shone so warm and so heartening. He rustled his feathers and held his slender neck high, as he cried out with full heart: "I never dreamed there could be so much happiness, when I was the ugly duckling.”’
That, my love, is how the story ends. Despite the negative title, the ugly duckling has a happy ending. These past months we’ve been apart, I can’t help but think our ending should be happy too.
But it’s not.
I told you once that your strongest emotions break through my barrier and I was telling you the truth. They do. And these past few months all I’ve felt from you is sadness and pain. It’s eclipsed my own so completely that I don’t know what else to do…
I read the rest of the letter, most of the words and sentences running together so later, when I tried to remember, the whole thing was just a blob. All but the ending.
Do you see me now?
I got that pull feeling and I looked up. The normal amount of people were milling around but I didn’t see anything unusual. I got up and followed the pull until I was standing in front of the Conservatory Water.
And there across the water, standing on the steps to The Kerbs Memorial Boathouse, stood a man dressed all in black. If I was anyone else, I wouldn’t be able to make out who it was. Apparently that satisfied Raphael’s idea of not being in my presence. The mark wasn’t even burning.
But my heart was.
My arms dropped to my sides as I stared at him and he stared back.
I wanted more than anything to take off around the water. But I didn’t because I knew the second I got any closer, something bad would happen. Raphael warned me and I was going to heed it.
So I stood there, stared at him, pretended he was right in front of me instead of over there where I couldn’t reach him. The bond stayed closed, neither of us even going there because I knew if it opened, I wouldn’t be able to remain still anymore.
“Geo.”
Gregori stepped up next to me but I didn’t move, I didn’t even think I was breathing. He bumped my shoulder and I blinked.
Michael was gone.
“You ok?”
I blinked a few more times, just to make sure what I was seeing was true. It made me wonder if he was even really here.
“I’m fine,” I whispered. “I just thought I saw someone.”
“Uh-huh. You know, I think you’ve been out in the sun too long. Maybe we should skip…”
“No.” I looked at him, completely, but made sure my emotions were tucked away where he couldn’t see. “No. We—we are going ice skating.”
“You sure?”
I turned to face him, trying to put that whole scene away for contemplation later. Christmas was supposed to be a happy time for the duration of the day, at least the time I would spend with him, I would fake the emotion I was getting really good at imitating. “Yes. I want to see you fall on your ass.”
He snorted and shook his head. “Not going to happen.
“We’ll see. Your balance can’t be that good.”
By the time I got back to my apartment, I was tired, I was emotionally drained, and I felt like I was going to burst at the seams from sadness. Gregori hadn’t said anything about it but I knew he could feel it. He had radar for the various emotional states I was in.
“Do you want me to stay?”
I looked up at him, studied him. There was the promise I made him back in the beginning that if I felt a black mood come on, I should call him. Well, I was pretty much slipping into one but I really didn’t want him here for that. At the moment I wanted nothing more to be alone, curl up in my bed, and cry myself to sleep.
But that wasn’t going to happen.
Because I wasn’t a normal girl.
Normal girls got to cry it all out but me? Nope, nada, nilch. I was stuck in a constant depression I had no hopes of getting out of. The sea of despair someone saw fit to toss me into was pulling me down, sucking the air out of my lungs with misery and wretchedness. And no matter how much I wanted out of it, it just wasn’t going to happen. I was starting to think that moving passed it just wasn’t in the cards. It would kill me eventually or Aidan would. I wasn’t looking forward to either scenario.
“No,” I whispered.
He studied me for a moment. “Do I need to stay?”
“I think…” I took my coat off. “I have a date with a certain bottle of liquor. If you wish to join me then that’s your choice. Otherwise, we can say goodnight and I’ll see you when I see you.”
I disappeared into the kitchen.
“Geo…”
“You did the best you could to make this day better for me but…” I plucked the bottle out of my freezer. “It was doomed to suck no matter what happened.”
He hopped up on the counter and watched me maneuver around the kitchen. I held out a glass and he took it.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.” I unscrewed the cap and poured some liquid into his glass. “Just don’t be upset if the answer isn’t to your liking.”
“What did the letter say?”
I poured some liquid into my own glass and downed it without hesitating. I wasn’t even surprised he’d noticed that since he’d been watching me like a hawk since we left Sword & Arrow that morning.
“I don’t really know. I didn’t get passed the second paragraph.”
“Why do you miss him so much? Why him and not Hanover?”
“That’s a hard question.” I took another drink, taking the time to think out my answer. “You know how this life works, right? You have—” I narrowed my eyes trying to remember “—eighteen marks. You’ve taken eighteen lives and you, like me, deal with it. It’s not hard for us because it’s who we are. Killing the enemy is in our blood, so moving on after is simple. After what happened last year…” I shook my head. “Aidan wasn’t the same. He’s not like us, Gregori.” I looked at him. “He doesn’t have a bounce back capability. When he killed Jason, he lost a part of himself. It’s not that he couldn’t love me, it was that he couldn’t remember how.” He looked down at his still full glass. “It’s like when soldiers come home from war, they can’t seem to fit back in with the life they left behind. They don’t feel the same way about things…” I took another drink. “Shortly after Guild week, he realized what wasn’t the same and he left. Things, in a sense, played out and I know I’ll see him again eventually. But with Michael…” I paused, staring down at the bottle. “Well, let’s just say things are a lot less certain and they didn’t play out. They just abruptly ended by no fault of ours. And now I’m here, doing what I’m doing so I can stay above water. This—” I waved the bottle “—helps but it’s not enough. It’ll probably never be enough because liquor can’t keep you warm at night. It just makes you numb enough to believe it does.”
“It’s not supposed to be enough, you know that.”
“Yeah, well, nothing in my life is ever enough. I have to settle for something less than what I want. I settled for this life. I settled for being alone. But it’s not like it matters.”
“Why?”
“Just because.” I held my full glass in my hand for a moment. “You want to know why I miss him more?” I glanced at him and he nodded. “It’s because he made me feel safe and normal. I lived in this bubble for so long where I was the attraction every time someone new came to campus, special. I was the best at everything I put my mind to. My parents tried to give me the best life possible but just like it is here, the whispers were the same there. But Michael was different. He treated me different. Every girl wants to feel special but me, I wanted to feel normal. So yeah, that’s why I miss him more. I knew Aidan longer but normal is the best thing I could ever hope for and Michael was the one that gave it to me. It’s the little things that end up counting the most in the end.”
He stared down at his drink for a long time, neither of us saying anything at all. I cleared three shots before he finally said something.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I looked at him. “It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault.” I hopped up on the counter next to him. “And just so you know, being here hasn’t been all bad. There are some ups.”
“Really?”
I bumped his shoulder. “You are probably the best thing that’s happened to me since all of that happened. I’m pretty sure if I didn’t have you, I’d be six feet under by now.”
“You’re just…” I snatched his drink out of his hand. “Hey!”
“I’m not just saying that. I’m being serious. My life has been shit, one moment after another, some of my own making and others not so much, and sometimes it feels like it’s all circling the drain.” I looked at him and handed the drink back. “And then you just sort of swoop in and change everything.”
“You make it sound better than it is.”
“Don’t sell yourself short. You are just…awesome. But I’ll never admit that to anyone else and will never say it again so savor it.”
He laughed. “I am awesome, aren’t I?”
“Do me a favor.”
“Depends on what it is.”
I smiled. “You’re going to help me down because I think the alcohol is finally kicking in.” He grinned. “If I try to get down on my own, I’m pretty sure I’ll crack my head open and neither of us wants that.”
He jumped down, setting the glass on the counter next to me. “I think I can manage that.”
He picked me up by the waist, like we were practicing flips again, and set me on my feet. That brought us really close together again and just like before, that weird feeling came back. But before we even got close like before, I put myself in my own way and took a swaying step back.
“Now, we’re going to watch Buffy and try not to make fun of the special effects.”
“Good deal.”
~
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