Jocelyn sat motionless, staring blankly at the blinking bar heading her unwritten email. Between sobbing into her pillow and angrily throwing things, it'd been a restless night for her.
She couldn't get herself to accept the truth. Miles was going to die soon and she could only be there to make it as peaceful as possible. The thought of it alone had her throat closing and tears filling her eyes.
"Jocelyn," came a soft voice to her left, "these came for you." Lauren stood in her doorway holding a bouquet of flowers.
If she hadn't exhausted her tear ducts already, tears would have filled her dry eyes at the asymmetrical display. No more flowers.
"Thanks." She muttered taking them, her hands holding the vase tightly to her chest for comfort. An unconscious smile crossed her face as she realized just how sentimental Miles was regardless of what happened.
Pulling the card out, she noticed her hands shook as it reflected the light from her desk lamp.
'Wish I could see your beautiful smile right now'
The neatly written words caused her throat to close and she pulled the card to her chest. Her eyes attempted to produce tears but a dry, sorrow filled croak was all the emotion she could display.
Laying her head on her desk, she tried to pull herself together for her upcoming appointment. She had a new intake and the last thing they needed was to see her so distressed.
...
By the time 10pm rolled around, Jocelyn felt as if her body had been filled with cement. She was exhausted physically and emotionally.
"Night." She muttered to the security guards as always.
As she sat in her car waiting for it to warm up, she closed her eyes as she remained unable to withstand the heavy lids and dryness. A sense of helplessness had been rooted in her spine that absorbed any positive thought she tried to conjure about the situation.
Pulling her phone out, she realized she hadn't checked the device all day hence why she hadn't noticed it had been dead the whole time. She plugged it into her car charger before waiting for it to turn on.
A slew of notifications rattled off as it finally turned on. Regret filled her as she realized Miles had been trying to contact her all day. The messages filled with apologies broke her heart as she realized she'd made him feel as if he were in the wrong.
Jocelyn knew better yet didn't do better. It felt horrible to know she'd made the situation about her own feelings instead of the reality. Pulling from the parking lot, she headed to Miles' building.
It was nearly 11 by the time she pulled up yet a man stood outside waiting to take her car. "Thanks."
Approaching the receptionist, Jocelyn noticed the woman's smile drop slightly as they made eye contact. "Hello, Ms. Major. Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Jocelyn chuckled softly before smoothing a hand over the bags under her eyes, "just a bit of a rough night. Thank you."
"I'm sorry it's been that way for you. If there is anything we can do to help you, do not be afraid to ask. Here you are." She passed Jocelyn the visitor card to scan for the elevator.
Jocelyn immediately pulled her bag open to begin applying makeup to brighten her appearance once the elevator doors closed. It felt foolish considering Miles surely already knew what she was going through but she wanted to ease his worries.
The doors opened and Miles stood before her. His black shirt was covered in smears of red paint that splattered up along his forearms, neck, and chin. The pajama pants remained clear of paint.
"I'm sorry." She croaked as she threw herself into his arms. "I'm so so sorry."
He held her just as tightly as they attempted to soothe one another's pain. Being in his arms felt like the news she'd received hadn't even been real. Like it was all some horrible nightmare that he'd waken her up from.
"It's okay." He muttered into her hair as he allowed one arm to wrap around her waist while the other wrapped around her shoulders to hold her head in his neck.
Pulling back slightly, he pressed his lips to hers softly as if she would shatter into a million pieces. Jocelyn savored the moment with the realization that it wouldn't last as long as she'd thought.
"I love you." The mutter against her lips had her overworked tear ducts attempting to produce water once more.
"Oh, Miles..." her voice broke as she closed her eyes. The aching in her heart felt unbearable.
He wordlessly grabbed her hand and brought her upstairs to his room. Unlike the other times she'd been there, his floor was littered with clothing and his bed was unmade.
Jocelyn kicked her shoes off before allowing him to silent undress her. Once she was in her underwear and bra, he grabbed a shirt that she could wear then pulled off his own.
They climbed into bed with Jocelyn laid across his chest and their legs intertwined. She interlocked their fingers, wanting to be as connected to him as possible in that moment.
"I'm not going to leave you. I wanna be here until the end." She spoke after a few minutes.
"I can't ask you to stay. It's going to be tough to see. I already have plans to move into an end of life facility to make things easier." His hand rubbed her back as he spoke. It would have lulled her deprived body into slumber had her mind not been in overdrive.
"No, no discussions on this. I'm not going anywhere." Sitting up, she made sure he saw just how convinced she was in her decision.
Surprisingly, Miles had allowed his own tears to flow. The sight deepened the hurt that encapsulated her being.
"Okay." He spoke softly, his voice dipping in and out as he nodded. Jocelyn laid on his chest once more as she listened to the beating of his heart to convince herself she still had time.
"Are you scared?" She couldn't help but question after a period of silence.
"No. I've accomplished so much already that I think I feel... almost ready for death." The harsh words caused her to close her eyes.
"I've fulfilled my childhood dream. I've helped more people than I could imagine. I found love." The last statement was topped off by him squeezing her a bit tighter to his body. Her throat closed as she felt like crying once more.
"I don't want to lose you." Jocelyn confessed.
"You won't. We'll find each other again." The sentimental words deepened the cave that opened in her chest. Unable to produce words, she allowed herself to cry into his chest until her body could remain conscious no longer.
...
Jocelyn woke to the feeling of a heavy weight thrown across her waist and a heat radiating through her back. A soft snore near her ear reminded her that she'd been at Miles' when she fell asleep.
The fancy clock on the nightstand told her it was nearing 1pm already. She chuckled as she realized they both had probably been restless the night before. Pulling at his arm, she wasn't surprised when he tightened his grip on her and snuggled his face into her neck.
"Miles, I have to pee." Pulling at his arm once more, she reached back and softly rubbed the side of his face. A string of groans and mumbled protests was all she received as he attempted to get her closer.
"You're gonna be sleeping in a puddle of pee if you don't let me up." She tried to reason while attempting to shimmy from his grip.
"Hurry back." He mumbled as he finally released her to roll onto his back.
Jocelyn rolled her eyes as she stood to stretch. After using the restroom, washing her face, and brushing her teeth she silently began straightening the room. Cleaning kept her mind off their previous sorrowful conversation and she quickly found herself cleaning her way downstairs.
An hour later, she sat mindlessly scrubbing at the grooves between the tiles in the kitchen. The bucket next to her was filled with steaming hot water, baking soda, and bleach- a combination her mother had taught her to clean grout.
"Jocelyn?" Miles questioned as she finally heard his footsteps approaching. "Why does it smell like cleaning products?"
She stumbled to her feet just as he entered the kitchen. His eyes flickered from the bucket to her appearance- she'd changed into a pair of his sweats that she rolled up to keep from dragging when she mopped.
"Sorry. I just got caught with the cleaning spirit." She attempted to joke as she pushed back stray hairs from her sweaty forehead. Miles stepped closer and pulled the rag from her hand.
"Jocelyn, if we're going to make this work you need to talk to me. Even if you think it's inconvenient or whatever else you've convince yourself of, I need you to be honest and open about it. Okay?"
Jocelyn smiled, "of course."
"Promise me." He cradled her face, a sorrowful look in his eyes. Jocelyn knew better yet continued to find herself doing the opposite.
"I promise." She conceded with a knowing nod. "I just don't know what to do with myself."
"Well I'm not dead yet," the beginning of the statement was all she needed to hear to beginning pulling from his grasp, "okay, okay I'm sorry. Too soon."
"Miles, this isn't funny. It really hurts to know I won't have you much longer. I can't even begin to figure out how to cope." She expressed as she felt tears fill her eyes.
"I'm sorry, okay. I know this is a sensitive issue and I don't want to invalidate your feelings. I'm sorry." Miles pulled her into his chest. The embrace was warm and familiar- soothing her for a moment.
"How the hell am I going to survive losing you?" She confessed what had been plaguing her mind from the beginning. Unable to respond, Miles simply held her tighter and rubbed her back.
——
Y'all I cried writing these last two chapters but I'm so happy with how they turned out :')
'First Began' by PJ Morton is officially the anthem of Jocelyn and Miles <3 it just fits so perfect!