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❝How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death❞
• Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
Is a sin a sin if created by man....?
Ball Room ꨄ︎
The quartet stopped playing and everyone bowed as they moved towards the banquet for a dinner break.
Reuben was seated with his leg crossed at the ankle as he helped himself to some shrimp croquettes and lemon curd. The dance with Gwenllian had been a disaster as he expected. Once he began dancing with her, all he had learnt in the previous days evaporated into nothingness, he stepped on her foot with each step, it was like he couldn't dance with anyone who wasn't Julius. Curse him and his conflicting charming ways!
"Reuben, have you by any chance seen your sister? She told me she wanted to get refreshment a few minutes ago, but I have seen no trace of her since," Maxime questioned, fidgeting in place.
"Do I look like I am my sister's chaperone," Reuben cheeked, taking a bite of his food.
"I do not have time for your wit, I am being serious," Maxime whined.
"And I, my friend, am being interrupted from my meal," Reuben gestured towards his plate.
"Can a day go by without you being entirely brusque."
"You tell me."
"Is lady Alice who you speak of?"
"William, have you seen her anywhere?" Maxime asked the son of the barrister.
"Wonderful, William also here to join the charade," Reuben scoffed.
Ignoring Reuben, William answered. "I saw her sneak outside with a handsome fellow named Jules or some sort, she thought I did not hear her, but I'd heard it, ol clever William here, me did!"
"She snuck out with a man," Maxime repeated, hurt clouding his expression.
"Yes, very indecent," William added.
"The name you called, was it Julius?" Reuben finally muttered, voice low and rough.
"Aah yes, it was Julius indeed!"
"I do not know who this man is, but I have some thoughts to share with him, teach him how a decent man is meant to behave!" Maxime angrily declared.
Reuben bit his lip, feeling a sharp pang in his heart. He was Jealous.
❦︎
Julius made his way to the back garden with his hands tucked into the pocket of his coat. The night was cold, the blustery wind sharp as it nipped at his cheeks, leaving it tender and flushed.
Julius spotted Lady Alice, stood by the rose bush as she promised, her long golden tresses blowing in the wind.
He lumbered towards her, his heart pounding with each step, reluctant and weary.
"You came," she smiled in sheer ebullience.
"As you said, a man cannot refuse a lady," he offered her a tremulous smile.
There was silence between them, except for the crickets stridulating and the sound of dogs barking from the kennel in the distance. Lady Alice stared at Julius like he was the most precious jewel.
"You look ever so handsome, where did you get such a lovely tailcoat?" Julius couldn't help but flinch even as she gently reached out to touch the sleeve of his coat.
"Thank you, but I do not know the answer to your question, for this tailcoat was given to me anonymously."
Alice's smile dropped, her eyes narrowed. "Is that so..."
"I hope I will not be received as uncultured, but may I ask you why you called for me in such a clandestine state? If anyone was to see us, we'd be in turmoil," Julius murmured.
"I have always desired to have a magical moment at the ball, and dancing with a man I adore seems to be an ideal way to fulfil that desire," she started. "Would you like to dance with me?" she entreated, outstretching her hand, eyes hopeful.
"I-I do not mean to be uncouth, but I cannot," Julius shook his head in despair, face ashen. It was never a pleasure to reject a lady.
"What can't you do, dance with me?" she inquired, lips beginning to quiver, eyes glazing over.
Julius slowly nodded, saddened by her sudden demeanour.
"Why-Why not," her voice wavered.
"I simply can't, I greatly apologize," Julius muttered, reaching to touch her hand in consolation.
Alice pulled away from his touch. "Do not worry about me, I understand," she muttered bitterly underneath her breath.
"I hope you-”
"I assure you, there is nothing to worry about, I am not displeased with you," she forced an unconvincing smile.
"Thank you," he mumbled, bowing his head, then teetering his way back into the manor, not wanting to look back and have her change her mind.
♛
Julius's hand still slightly trembled as he walked inside. He carefully made his way through the crowd of people, not wanting to step on any gown or shove at the guests.
"You are Mr Cadwell, aren't you?" someone suddenly held onto his forearm. It was a woman. Her voice was wary. It seemed she had been asking that same question to each passing man that fit the brief description she was given.
"Yes, please," Julius said to the woman in the maid uniform.
"Not to be a bother, but master Reuben had asked of you. He said he would be at the place you two made a truce."
Julius brows furrowed, and his heart thudded louder than it previously had, but this time it wasn't because of his uneasiness, but because he was to meet the man he was strongly besotted with.
—
Julius slowly pried the door open. Reuben was staring outside the large bay window. The sight reminded Julius of the day Reuben brought him here. The day he was sure he had begun loving the young man without even knowing it.
"You called for me?" Julius muttered, elated to see the young master, but also confused as to why he was standing here alone. The ambience of it seeming doleful.
"Yes, I did," Reuben softly replied, still facing away from Julius.
The room would have been dim, if not for the moonlight illuminating in. How did Reuben manage to make his way here despite his poor sight? Julius briefly wondered.
"Why are you in here all by yourself?" Julius inquired, shutting the door behind himself.
"I thought it would be a good thing to come to one of the few places that reminded me of a happier period in my life."
"Are you alright?" Julius inquired with worry. Reuben's voice was low, something timid yet venomous laced his tone.
"Yes ...I am, I just...I simply wanted someone to keep me company. But if you desire to spend your night conversing with my sister, you are permitted to do so."
"Your sister had a message to convey, we scarcely spent more than a few minutes together," Julius explain, hurriedly. "Are you sure you are alright, you have me worried."
As soon as Julius touched Reuben's shoulders, Reuben began to spew out his innermost emotions. "I am lonely, Julius. Lord am I lonely. Even in a crowded room I feel so alone, and since you were my former valet I thought ..., I hoped you could cure my loneliness like my friend Thomas once had, but I know I am being selfish ... just like I always am," Reuben confessed, jaw clenched in frustration.
Julius wished to embrace him. So greatly did he want to provide him with solace. And a part of his heart stubbornly tugged with jealousy at the possibility that he might never be able to make Reuben feel as Thomas had made him feel.
What had Thomas made him feel?
"You must know that I will always be here to keep you company, just as Thomas had," Julius assured, still taken aback by Reuben's open confession.
Reuben squeezed his eyes shut and sharply inhaled. "I do not know how it happened or when, but look at us now, we are speaking as though we are friends," Reuben gave a humourless chuckle.
"We are, at least to me you are," Julius mumbled.
The room fell silent, the tension being almost palpable.
"I have been meaning to ask you something," Julius started, his eyes fixed on Reuben's jaw.
Reuben opened his eyes. "What do you wish to ask?"
"You and Thomas, you were more than friends, weren't you?" Julius stared at his feet, his anxiety rising. What was he doing? This wasn't the right moment, but then again, there might never be a right moment for this. He was being insensitive, that much he knew. Reuben was confessing his loneliness, yet here he was, thinking of his own jealousy.
"Yes, he was my closest friend."
"I mean to say," he gulped, paused, began again. "...did you love him," Julius's mind kept advising him to shut his mouth, but his heart kept his lips moving. He didn't want to wonder anymore.
"Why ask such a silly question, of course I did," Reuben turned to Julius. They were no longer standing side by side, but now facing each other.
The sight of Reuben, and the crown of curls sprawled across his face assisted Julius to overcome most of his fears, fears of rejection. He now felt greater pity for Alice.
"Did you love him as a man would love a woman."
Julius witnessed Reuben's clouding pupils dilate.
Reuben drew back, his heart pounding fiercely at the simple sentence. What was happening, was Julius truly asking him what he was?!
"How can you ask me such a question," Reuben flushed, heart pulsing to a point he thought he might collapse and fall unconscious.
"Please, answer me," Julius pressed, he wasn't backing out now.
"We cannot have this conversation, it is wrong," Reuben muttered, averting his head.
"Something could be wrong yet true," Julius countered.
"Nonsense, I do not want to speak of such matters," Reuben shook his head.
"But I do, and I know deep within that you do too."
"This is madness, do you not know what you speak of," Reuben's voice trembled.
Julius's fingers shook.
"Trust me, Reuben, I know what I speak of," Julius insisted, "You cared for him, didn't you?"
"Not in the way that I care for you," Reuben finally proclaimed, face growing florid. "or at least not to this extent."
"What do you feel for me?" Julius's lips quivered. Was this it? Would Reuben finally tell him he loved him too, even if the world was against it.
"I don't know," Reuben mumbled, voice wavering. What was happening?
"Yes you do."
Reuben shut his eyes once more, chest heaving.
Apprehensive and gentle, Julius placed a hand on the small of Reuben's back and slid the other to take the cane away from Reuben, tilting it against the wall.
Reuben inhaled a breath, his hand moved up to carefully press against Julius's chest, feeling the fabric against his hand, the fabric of the tailcoat he had asked Oliver to send Julius, the tailcoat that was a size larger than he was but seemed to fit Julius perfectly.
Julius took his hand away from Reuben's back and slowly slipped it down to hold onto his svelte waist instead. After he seized Reuben by his waist, he finally embraced him.
Reuben hoped Julius couldn't feel how fast his heart was beating as Julius nosed at his hair.
They stayed motionless for a bit as their breathing grew laboured. Julius could not believe he had Reuben this close to him, and Reuben was overwhelmed by how much he had always wanted this.
After a couple seconds of simply holding onto each other, wordlessly telling each other what they have always wanted to, Julius half-heartedly untangled himself from Reuben.
Reuben breathed out a shaky breath, before chewing at his bottom lip.
"I will always keep you company, you will never have to feel lonely again," Julius passionately assured, taking Reuben's shaking hands into his trembling own.
He raised Reuben's cadaverous wrist and pressed a kiss to the pads of his fingers, against his long purplish vein. Reuben sighed in pleasure at the feel of Julius's warm lips against his hand. He wondered what Julius's lips would be like on his own lips, and at the thought, he became further flustered.
As though Julius had read his mind, he cradled Reuben's face in his hands.
He kissed Reuben on the forehead, then on each of his closed eyelids, then against his cheeks and then very faintly, he kissed Reuben on the lips. They both groaned softly at the feel of their lips pressing together. Reuben's velvety lips against his. Reuben had never kissed a person before, so he allowed Julius control the pace as he awkwardly tried to mimic Julius movements, hoping he wasn't terrible.
Julius pulled away before Reuben could deepen the kiss, which left Reuben whimpering as he clutched the front of Julius's tailcoat.
They pressed their foreheads together, both breathing heavily.
Julius heart sang. My love, my dearest love, my feelings burden me as they bless me also.
Julius's eyes flickered towards the door, making sure there was no one standing there. He was not naive, he knew what would happen if someone caught them. He was blissed and in love, but his fears remained.
"Kiss me, kiss me again," Reuben suddenly requested, tone desperate and tight, his hand clenching tighter at Julius's tailcoat.
"My sweet boy," Julius murmured, and Reuben felt something prick at his spine at Julius referring to him as his sweet boy.
Reuben doesn't even know why, but a tear slipped from his eyes, and Julius was quick to kiss it, murmuring. "It will be alright, it will all be alright," because somehow Julius knew that these tears were a sign of Reuben letting go of some of the pent up loneliness and misery he had been feeling for years.
"I am here, I won't leave you," Julius coddled, and then his lips were on Reuben once more.
This time Julius was desperate and much forceful than before. He plunged his tongue into Reuben's mouth, letting the young man muffle a pleasured cry against his lips. Julius then threaded his fingers through Reuben's hair, tugging at it lightly.
Julius decided to pull away before he got carried away. The men caught their breath once they pulled apart.
Julius stared at Reuben's swollen scarlet lips.
The young master would be the death of him.