Jon's POV
April 1985
My body was completely frozen while my teary blues followed her figure down the street. My eyes struggling to see her through the fog that was my heartbreak. My heart told me I should run down the street after her but my feet wouldn't move. I could feel the lump rising in my throat, It felt like a snake was slithering through my wind pipe. My body stood there until she had disappeared from my sight but my mind and soul were shattered into a million pieces. I felt like an empty vessel as I silently walked back into the house. The band were stood in the doorway to the living room, watching me walk straight past them and stomp up the stairs to my bedroom. Everything was going in slow motion, from my movements up the stairs to the reactions of my band members. I trailed my lifeless, heartbroken body into my bedroom, just standing there for a moment. Her scent still lingered in the room along with her clothes which only made me break out into tears. My fingers slapped on the radio and Elvis Presley-- I can't help falling in love with you started playing. Every memory attached to this very song flooded my mind like a tornado, tearing up my mental state. My head found it's way into my hands where my sobs quietly muffled their way through my fingers. Suddenly a surge of anger shoots through my body, I was so angry at myself. There was so much I should have done, I should have fought for her, loved her, been a better man for her. A heart wrenching scream erupted from my lungs, It was so loud, It almost sounded like a thunder storm was going on in the room. My fists threw themselves out, punching and throwing anything I could find. My knees collapsed beneath my weight, thudding against the wood floor. My head found it's home in my bloody palms where my sobs started up again.
Only a minute later, my band, brothers and parents were stood in the doorway, staring down at me in horror. My brothers had never seen me like this before, they were completely dumbstruck. My mother was the first to walk towards me, followed by my dad and the band. My mom's knees creaked as she bent down in front of me, lifting my head into her hands. I could barely see her face through the tears but I squeezed my eyes shut, releasing the tears onto my soaked cheeks. I tried my best to hold back the heartbreak by putting on a brave face for my mom. But her motherly love and her warm touch was too much for me and my face nearly cracked open as I yelped out a loud sob onto her shoulder. The tears were constantly flowing like a waterfall by this point, soaking her top beneath my face. I honestly didn't care that the band or my brothers saw me, I just needed to get it all out. I suddenly felt everyone's arms cage me into a warm embrace, cocooning me inside their love.
May 1985
It has been a month since Chrissie left me and I'm still finding it really hard. My mood and my mental state isn't in the best way right now but I found my distraction in Diane Lane. Sure she's good fun to be round but I know I don't love her. I'm still very much in love with Chrissie and I honestly think she knows that. Whenever she isn't around, I throw everything I have into my shows and interviews. I spend my nights sobbing myself to sleep to the point where my pillows are soaked through. I've been sleeping with her shirt next to me as I've been having nightmares and it helps a lot. The band have been a big help as well, I honestly don't know how they're putting up with me. I so desperately want to reach out to her, talk to her, hold her, but I have no way of contacting her. It was just a case of waiting for the tour to be over then find a way of getting her back.
I forced my eyes open, cringing a little as the sun glared through the blinds into my sensitive eyes. Groaning unenthusiastically whilst rolling out of bed, I quickly glance over at Richie who was still asleep. My feet trailing towards the bathroom for a shower seeing as I desperately needed one. I wasn't in the shower long, I turned the water off and heard Richie's muffled voice through the wall. Placing my ear to the wall in hopes of eves dropping on his conversation. I managed to pick out bits of his conversation but all I knew for sure was that he was talking about me, I just wasn't sure who he was talking to. I climb out the shower and drape the towel round my hips before exiting the steamed up bathroom. "Hey Rich...Who ya talkin to?" My agitated, sombre tone made him jump a little "Oh, just my mom". He seemed to be telling the truth so I went along with it, "Oh, Tell her I said Hey" Raising my brows a little with joy. "Mom, Jonny says Hi" Exclaiming down the line to her. There was a pause and suddenly Richie burst out with laughter, instantly drawing my attention "What did she say?" furrowing my brows together in confusion. Another cackle burst from his mouth, by this point he was practically choking on his laugh "Rich, What did she say?" Sighing in frustration with my hands on my hips. He quickly composed himself and sat back up "She said how you doin sweet cheeks". That didn't really sound like something his mom would say but I played along and burst out laughing, pretending to be amused by it.
He ended the phone call a few minutes later and I hadn't even realised I was still staring at him, my eyes nearly burning into his skull. "What's wrong kidd?" His brows knitting together with concern. His voice snapped me back to reality "Nothin.." sighing out my words before turning to my suitcase.
"It's Chrissie isn't it?" The mere mention of her name from his lips sent fire through my veins. My breathing gradually getting heavier as my anger grew and before I could stop myself I stormed over to him, placing my hands on his shoulders.
He wasn't scared or shocked, he looked calm and his lips wore an apologetic smile. Honestly I don't even know why I'm angry, It wasn't as if he was lying, It was Chrissie, It was always Chrissie. I remained silent, just focusing on my breathing until he broke the silence again.
"You don't have to hide from us kidd, we're a band, we're brothers"......"And whatever happens in the band, stays in the band, remember?" Lightly shaking my shoulders to comfort me. He was right, they are my family and I've been hiding and taking it out on them. "I-I'm sorry" My words coming out as whispers. He pulled me into a hug and we stood there with just our breathing filling the silence.
"What did she say to you when she left?" His question left me a little confused "What do you mean?". pulling away to look him in the eyes, "Just before she walked out your bedroom door, what did she say to you?" His eyes widened a little as he trailed off, his expression was so serious. I closed my eyes, looking over the memory of that day "My heart is yours.... Always....I love you Jon" Whispering out her words in sync with the memory. My hot tears seeped from my eyes as the pain in my heart grew bigger.
"She never said goodbye?" His question made my eyes jolt open. I had honestly never thought of that, But now that I have, It doesn't make any sense. "No, She didn't", A deep sigh burst from his lips "What did she actually say to you in that room Jonny?".
"She said 'I can't wait for you and I shouldn't have to' and then 'I have a life too' then she said about her heart and I love you then left" Repeating her words was like a dagger to my broken heart.
"Okay.....This may be a huge leap and I could be way off.....But I don't think she was breaking up with ya kidd" His words only frustrated me more, How was she not breaking up with me. "How did you figure that one out Rich? She took all of her stuff" Waving my hands around through my words. He let out another sigh but eventually smiled down at me "She....never......said......goodbye" He slowly said each word with widened eyes. My body was completely motionless while his words sunk in. I quietly repeat his words back to myself a few times until I eventually came to the realisation that she didn't actually break up with me.
September 1985
I awoke in the morning to the sun creeping into the room. I let out a little growl and roll over, I could never get motivated in the mornings now. I would spend at least half an hour just thinking about Chrissie before attempting to get up. As usual Richie strolled in the room with breakfast and a news paper. I didn't read the paper often but I read it more than the others. He slumped down on my bed throwing me a paper bag "Breakfast and here's the paper" tossing the paper onto my lap. I grab the paper and unroll it, I flick through the first page, My eyes widening instantly when I got to page 4. There she was, In all her beauty, Chrissie on stage in her ballet clothes.
Suddenly all the feelings I had been holding back, came rushing to the front. I miss her so much and so desperately want to talk to her but I have no way of contacting her. "What is it?" Looking rather concerned after seeing my expression. When I don't answer he grabs the paper from my hands and looks down at the pages "Ahh shit...I'm sorry....I wouldn't have brought it up if I--" I cut him off instantly "Give me that" grabbing it back from him. I take the page with Chrissie on it and rip around the large photo of her. I hold it up, taking one more look at it before folding it up and placing it in my suitcase. I didn't even read the article, I just want the picture of her. I sat back down on the bed, not uttering a word while I grab my breakfast roll out of the bag and start eating it.
" I'm thinkin of ending it with Diane" Blurting the words out so fast "I think that's probably the right thing to do.....She's gettin way to handsy and flirty with me" Richie responding with raised brows "Yeah, I noticed that too......and besides I don't love her" , "Jon, sorry If I'm out of line but I think we both know who you love" He got me on that one, He's right, I love Chrissie, She is the love of my life. But how can that help me when I can't even talk to her, I don't even know if she loves me still "Yeah but, How do I know she hasn't moved on yet.....and if she hasn't where do I even start in getting her back....I have no way of contacting her Rich, I could try calling her apartment in New York, if she doesn't answer then she must be with Lizzie still" I immediately pick the phone up, dialling her number. It was like Torture listening to the ringing.
All of a sudden I hear a click and just when I thought it was her, I realise it's her answering machine. "Heyy...You have reached Chrissie..." She was cut off when I my voice cuts in "AND JONNN" Shouting over her voice causing her to laugh "Jonnyyy....But we're not here right now" I cut her off again "We're in the bedroom..." Shouting over her again "CALL BACK LATERRR" Shouting again until she starts giggling and squealing then the message ends. A rush of memories going through my mind, the tears begin to stream down my face "She's not there......She still has our message on the answering machine" whispering to myself while I put the phone back down. My head drops into my hands, twitching a little when I feel Richie's hand on my back "Hey....Don't give up alright.....You could always ask your mom to tell her you wanna talk....you said your mom told ya she still drops in right?" I lift my head in realisation "Yeah, she still goes over to see her and they go for coffee" , "Right well you have your solution kid".
I yank the phone back and dial my number, listening to the ringing in my ear "Hello..." I can recognise my moms voice anywhere "Hey Ma...." My voice a little shaky from crying "Jonnyy....you okay? you sound a little upset son" Her voice full of concern "No Ma.....I need you to tell Chrissie I wanna talk to her....please", "Jonny....I don't think---" I cut her off straight away "Mom pleaseee....I need you do this....for me.....whatever happens between us after that... I can deal with but I can't live my life knowing I didn't try" My voice was breaking slightly as I pleaded with her. There was a pause before a deep sigh sounded down the phone "Alright Jonny....I'm seeing her next week, I'll let her know" I let out a big sigh of relief, closing my eyes and letting the built up tears flow.
"I'll tell ya though.... she doesn't think much of that Diane you're dating" My ears prick up upon hearing her words "Why? what'd she say?". "We were having coffee and you and Diane were on the tv and I said something about her and she said 'I don't care.... it's up to him if he wants a rebound girl', what's a rebound girl Jon?" I can't help but roll my eyes and laugh silently, it's not like Diane is my girlfriend, we're only dating, but not for much longer "It's nothin ma".
After my phone call with my mom I called Diane and broke it off with her. The week flew by and I finally called my mom, I immediately asked about Chrissie straight away. All she said was Chrissie wasn't against the idea of talking but didn't give me a number or anything which confused me then just before I hung up my mom said one last thing "Chrissie said 'I'm not ready for him to see it yet'" I interrogated my mom on what she meant "See what?.....Mom....See what?" , "Her message" My eyes widened and jaw dropped open. I put the phone down on the holder and ran to my suitcase. I scrambled to get it open and pulled everything out, tipping it upside down and throwing everything all over to try and find some sort of message but there was nothing. "NOOOO!!!......FUCKKK.....FUCKKK" Yelling out in frustration while punching the floor.
I sit there, curled up in the mess I made, my breathing erratic. I'm so angry, the rage is brimming inside me, it's almost at boiling point. I stand up and start pacing the floor when suddenly the door bursts open and Dave walks in. I can't stop myself, I growl and grab him by the collar, pushing him against the wall. My breathing by this point is coming out as growls through gritted teeth. He looks so shocked, placing his hands on top of mine "Hey....Jonny....It's me" His voice didn't have an ounce of anger in it. Suddenly the realisation of what I had done washed over me "Oh....I'm....I'm sorry....Dave...I'm so sorry" My voice all breathy. All the emotions came bursting out of me and I start sobbing onto his chest, wrapping my arms around his neck. He hugged me back and we stand there for a while until we both collapse onto the floor when I couldn't hold my own weight anymore. "What's goin on Jon" He questioned while patting my back "My mom told me that Chrissie said she wasn't against talking to me but she didn't give her a number for me to call but then she told me that Chrissie said 'I'm not ready for him to see my message' So my suitcase being the only place she could leave me a message, I tore the whole thing apart Dave and found nothing.......NOTHING!!" Shouting out as I trail off "Jonny....Try not to let it get to you.....If she's left you a message, she'll tell you where it is when she's ready alright....I mean it could be anywhere....It could be back home in your room for all we know" shrugging as he trails off. He's right, I just have to hold my nerve until she tells me, I just hope she doesn't wait too much longer, I don't think I can handle much more of this.
"So Jon.... Have you sacrificed a lot for rock n roll? To get where you are now?" The interviewer dissecting me with every question. I can feel my heart shattering into a million jigsaw pieces "Uhh... yeah... I have.... I had a relationship for 5 years.... But it didn't survive going on the road.... As much as I love her.... I couldn't stay home and stop pursuing this" My head drops with a solemn expression. "What was her name?" A deep sigh releases from my lips, not wanting to say but I know he'd only pressure me into it anyway "Christiana" My eyes close with regret as soon as her name passed my lips. "So how is the tour going so far?" My eyes pop open upon when he changes the subject "It's goin great ya know, Uhh, Japan was a blast... now we're half way between the American tour". "Who are you opening for at the moment?" , "We're opening for Ratt" Nodding as I trail off. The rest of the interview went by at a snails pace, to the point I was itching to jump out of my seat.
October 1985
I head into Dave's room and notice he's on the phone talking, I hang back abit and try to listen to what he's saying "Alright see ya Chrissie...Love ya honey". He's been talking to Chrissie, I haven't even had a number to contact her on and here he is talking to her on the phone. "Was that my Chrissie?" My tone a little cold, he nearly jumped out of his skin. He got up and turned to me "Uhhh yeah....." nodding slightly, I grit my teeth "How long have you been calling her" He let out a deep sigh "She gave Richie and me, Lizzie's number so we've been takin turns callin her" I scoff a little in amazement "Geez, Richie too?" , "Look...Jonny---" I cut him off straight away "Just tell me what she said Dave....At least tell me what she said.... Please...I need to know, has she moved on?" pleading with him through my eyes, he let out another sigh "No....dumbass she hasn't moved on....have you any idea what that girls been through the past few months? You know what....fuck it....Go watch the tape in your camera" He spits out at me "What?" looking at him in utter confusion "The message she left you? It's a recording on your camera....just go watch it" waving me out the door of his room. I immediately dart to my room so fast, ripping open my suitcase and grabbing my camera. I double check to see if the tape is in and sit down on my bed with it, taking in a deep breath before pressing play.
My jaw drops open straight away, It's Chrissie in my bedroom. She looks so rough and pale, Her hair is a mess and she looks thinner. "Hi Jonny..." Her voice all shaky and her eyes are red, as if she had been crying. My heart breaking into a thousand pieces "I don't even know what I'm doing..." Her voice cracking as she bursts out crying "I came over to pack seeing as you're at Dave's and I peeked in your suitcase and saw your camera and so it led to this........well whatever this is" Let out a shaky sigh as she whispers off. This must have been recorded a few days before we left. The realisation suddenly hits me, that this recording has been in my suitcase for months.
My eyes widen in anticipation as I listen on "It's.....It's not a goodbye message....That's not what this is" My heart racing, my ears pricking up, hoping that she'll give me a chance "and if you're watching this and thinking 'That's not Chrissie that's some homeless woman got in my suitcase' No, It actually is me....I just....I can't eat, I throw my food back up and my night terrors have came back so I haven't been sleepin----I can't believe I just told you that...Oh God, I haven't been thinking straight" I cover my mouth in shock at hearing her words, A wave of guilt washing over me. I had done that to her, I should have been a better boyfriend to her "I stole one of your shirts as well, might help me sleep" My heart melting a little when I heard that, I had done the exact same thing because I was finding it hard to sleep "I want you to know that I love you so much....and leaving you and running out is probably the hardest thing I've done....But I wasn't afraid to do it.......I really hope you fucking watch this.....I need you to know you hurt me and that I stand by my words, I shouldn't have to sit at home waiting for you and hearing nothing from you then you come home and don't talk to me then you're out on the road again.. ....God.....I saw myself marrying you and having your kids......In the future don't worry......and I still do.....But I don't know what the future holds.....Life sets you on this path and it already has your future planned out, doesn't matter what decisions you make, the outcome is the same....." There are so many thoughts running through my head right now, firstly she still loves me and secondly it actually makes sense now that I think about it, she really shouldn't have to give her life up and wait for me and thirdly she saw herself marrying me? and having kids? "My heart is yours....Always...." My breath hitching a little when she said that.....those were the last words she said to me before she ran out the house. She stands up off my bed and walks towards the camera, Just when I think the recording is finished. She kneels down, so her face is up close to the lens. I can see all of her beautiful features, the green eyes, her pink lips, each perfect curve on her face "Lizzie's address is...." she continues to rhyme off Lizzie's address in New Jersey "When your tour is finished....Come find me and we can talk and if you don't...I know you've made your decision" I can't help but smile so much, she's giving me a chance.....To talk. Just before she stops the recording, she looks into the lens and strains a teary smile.
I was left melting into a pool on my bed, my heart sinking right down into my feet. I knew I hurt her but seeing it crushed me into a million pieces. My head falls into my hands and I curl up into myself and begin to sob my heart out. I was crying for about 10 minutes when I hear the door open. Twitching a little when I feel a hand on my back "Hey....What did she say" I recognise the voice to be Dave's. It took me a few minutes to be able to utter a word "She said she loves me and she saw herself marrying me and having kids but I hurt her and she shouldn't have to wait for me which I understand now......Then she gave me Lizzie's address and told me to come talk to her when the tour is over and if I don't then she knows I've made my decision" , "So are you gonna do it?" raising his brows in anticipation "I dunno Dave....I love her so much but what if she's better off without me" , "Hey...No Jonny You can't think like that....If you love each other.....Don't let anything or anyone stand in the way of that" pointing his finger at me, his expression was so serious.
The more time that went on, the more I understand what she did and why she did it. But it still doesn't stop me from missing her so much and every time I want to pick up the phone and call her I remember I can't. I know Dave and Richie continue to talk to her on the phone and they let me sit in the room and listen in on them but the only condition is that I'm not allowed to say anything, I just sit and listen to her voice. She sounds a lot happier than she was on the recording, she would say how she's eating properly again now which I'm happy about but still having trouble sleeping which is the same for me, I can't sleep much. What makes my heart ache is every single time we call she would always ask how I'm doing before she even said how she is. She always has a funny story to tell Richie and Dave about something that's happened at home. Her laugh is still so infectious, it's so soothing.
It's Christmas Day and now just a week until we head back home. We had all called our families before the show then I wouldn't leave Dave alone until he called Chrissie. I irritated the living hell out of him until he picked the phone up, I'm just so desperate to hear her voice. Sitting right next to him as we listen for her sweet voice.
"Helloo.." Her sweet soft voice instantly making me smile
"Heyy Chrissiee.....MERRYYY CHRISTMASSS!!! Dave shouting down the phone to her, we can hear her laughter echo down the line
"Heyy, Daveyy...Happy Hanukkah....How is everyone?"
"Everyone is doin good honey....We've got a show later, everyone is just in Richie's room gettin pumped up, I snuck away to call my favourite girl" She giggles a little at hearing his words
"How's Jonny?" There is was, the question that always makes me heart ache, she's so caring, so full of love for everyone.
He gives me a quick look "Y know, He's been doin a whole lot better since watching your recording" nodding to himself
"Well that's good....He's not throwing you against the walls anymore?" Chuckling to herself as she trails off
Dave burst out laughing while I'm slightly embarrassed that he even told her "No.....He's nearly back to normal"
There was a pause before she broke the silence "Nearly?" She quizzed
"Yeah.....Still not totally himself....But I think talkin to you is gonna help" responding with a sigh.
"Well I'm not saying, somethings gonna come of it but we do need to talk....We need to see if we're on the same wave length y know, he knows I'm not the kinda girl to put my life on pause....for anyone"
"He knows that honey.....trust me he knows" He looks over at me and I give him a nod, agreeing with him.
"Y know I don't regret it but.. I feel so stupid for the way I left, I just....I was just angry at him, I had to leave before I kicked his ass up and down the street for being a dick..." I dropped my head in shame, letting out a deep sigh. There was a moment of silence before she broke it again "Hey Dave....You sure you're alone?" Dave and I look at each other worryingly.
"Hey...You're not stupid honey......And uhh yeah....It's just me...why?" We are both holding our breaths, waiting for her response. "Oh....I thought I heard......something.....Never mind" We both let out our breaths that we had been holding in.
"Anyway...How's you're Christmas goin?"
"It's going great actually, I dropped in on Carol and John, sat with them for a few hours...Then came back and just sat around, watched some tv.." We both gaze at each other a little confused
"Uhh Lizzie not there with ya?.... Or your dad?" His voice full of concern
"Ohh, No, she's went back home to spend it with her family and my dad can't make it because it's been snowing pretty bad here" She is alone on Christmas day. She usually finds this day hard enough as it is, but to spend it alone.
"Hey, I know Jonny wouldn't mind me saying this so why don't you go back to his and stay the night there, Nobody should be alone on Christmas day" He glanced over at me and I nodded in agreement. It may be weird, my ex going to spend Christmas with my family but the truth is, she thinks of them as her second family and I know my family love her, regardless of what's happening between us.
"Oh I dunno... I don't know if I could sleep in his room.. I haven't even stepped foot upstairs since I packed" Dave cut her off straight away
"You wouldn't have to, just stay on the sofa.... I've done it plenty times" Chuckling as he trails off
"Hmmm...I might.....Anyway...So you guys are nearly finished the tour right? So how did it go?" They continued talking for about an hour, It took every muscle in my body not to say anything. After the call we went back into Richie's room and had a few beers before getting ready for the show. But all I could think about was getting home to see her.