"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part XXXI…
Howard frowning as he found Bernadette being tended by the only locally available doctor…Raj looking ridiculously apologetic in his Zorro costume…No one else on hand, dude… "Hello, monsieur…" Charlotte beamed at him, rising from where she bandaged Bernadette's minor cut…
"I understand we had a little swordplay accident…" she smiled…
"Get away from her and don't touch her again…" he said quietly…
"Howard, she was just…" Raj…
"I don't care what she was doing…Charlotte, I've asked politely…If you want to see if your evidence holds up against mine and my friends, fine…"
"Dear Howard…" grin… "He's very loyal and surprisingly brave, Bernadette…I'd truly reconsider whether dumping him for Rajesh, sweet as he is, is the right idea…"
"Thank you, get out of here…" Bernadette, grimly…
"You will save me a dance, Howard?..." Charlotte, ethereal smile… "If things don't work out with Sheldon and you remain available, perhaps we could…'Hook up' as you say?…Leonard not being available after all…"
Howard, hand on sword… "If you'd like to dance again, lady..." grim look…
"I'll be waiting…Breathlessly…See you at the party…I must go and pick up our mother at the airport…" she sauntered off…Her witch's robes flowing gently round her…
"That is one crazy bitch…" Raj sighed… "But she is a fine doctor…Sorry, the desk clerk rang her up before I could stop her…And she was the nearest medical assistance…" he eyed the others…
"Ok…Bernadette, can you stand?..." Howard, offering arm…
"Sure…It wasn't too bad…Is everything ok, with Sheldon and Amy, I mean?..." she rose carefully, Raj trying to assist but backing off at Howard's stare…
"So far…But I'd say the wicked witch isn't done with them yet…Looks like there was quite a story behind all this…"
"Great…" she beamed… "I'd love to hear…Ummn…" she eyed his solemn face… "I mean, I'd like to be filled in…"
"Me too…" Raj chimed in…
"We need to talk…Not you, Raj…" Howard frowned as Raj started to join them in proceeding to Bernadette's room…
"Yeah…Please…" she urged… "Raj, this is between Howard and me…"
"Fine…" he sighed… "Just…No more swordwaving, ok?..."
"Right…" Howard, coolly… "I'll speak with you later…" He led Bernadette down the corridor…
Ummn… "Yeah, good…" Raj squeaked a bit…
Jesus, dude…You're the Fairbanks Zorro…Would he squeak?...He sighed to himself…
Unworthy of the mask, am I…He pulled off his Zorro mask, looking after the couple…
"Rajesh?..." he turned to see the laptop still on, down the hall…
Uh-boy…Eye roll…
I got some 'plainin' to do as Desi Arnaz would stereotypically say…
"Well, that was a bit unnerving…" Amy notes…As I ponder our next move…
Being the leader of our merry band in this crisis is a grave responsibility, so I am required to ponder…
"She's been monitoring us all the time…Well, at least some of the time…" Leonard eyes the tiny camera/microphone he'd pulled from the top of the framed copy of "Girl with The Pearl Earring"…
"I was fairly certain she would be…" Amy nods… "Which is why we were so careful…I'm sorry we couldn't share more with you earlier, Leonard, but you see now how clever my sister can be…"
"Crazy is the word…" Penny sighs…
"Anyway…It's over…" Leonard waves a hand… "Charlotte can rant and rave all she wants but apart from making an embarrassing scene at the party…And Lord knows we're past masters at enduring embarrassing scenes…There's nothing she can do to you now…"
"I wouldn't put anything past Charlotte…" Amy, cautiously… "She never gives up…And after enduring thirty-five operations for her fibromas, hanging on to make another attempt here is child's play…"
"Then lets cut to the chase and go haul her ass to the next plane back to gay Parie…" Penny suggests…Rising carefully…
"Make the wish…" she grins at Amy, waving her wand… "And the Blue Fairy will vaporize the Wicked Witch of the East…"
"She had a house dropped on her in the film and the stage play, 'Wicked'…" I note… "And the other sister was liquidated in the film and book, though she escapes death in the stage play…"
"I could bribe a stewardess to drop her off the plane without a parachute…" Penny grins…
"Hardly possible at 35000 feet…" Amy shakes head… "And I wouldn't want Charlotte flattened…Much…" grin…
"Lets get Bernadette and drag the bitch off…" Penny, urging…
"Guys…" Leonard, waving hands… "You're coming to assault her is probably just what she wants…She said she has tape of our breaking her door in…This would just give her more evidence against us…And I don't know about Sheldon…" he eyes me… "But I don't wanna be left alone with her while you guys go to the local jail…"
"Leonard's correct…" I nod… "One look of Charlotte's winsome glance while you bodily drag her down the hallway and out of the hotel and the police would surely be on her side…If half the force here isn't already sleeping with her…"
"Ok…What then…Do we exercise her?..." Penny, smiling…
"Exorcise is the word…" I frown… "And while it's not a bad idea I don't think it applies here…"
"Besides, it would affect me as well…" Amy, impish smile…Wave of witch's robes…
"I was right…" I eye her… "You are enjoying this…"
"Just providing a dose of levity to lighten the grim crisis situation…And maybe just a little…I've never done so well against Charlotte before…" she smiles… "All thanks to you, my truest one…And our friends…" nod to Stuart, Penny, and Leonard…
"And Howard…" Penny notes… Sighing… "Was he hurt, you think?..."
"He seemed fairly intact…" I consider the memory… "I think Charlotte employed psychology primarily…She seems to have told him about Raj, judging from the swordplay they engaged in…"
"Wish I'd seen that…" Leonard, grin… "Bet they were more spastic than me doing 'Dancing with the Stars' to the video…"
"Howard was very brave, Leonard…" Amy frowns… "He could have accepted whatever Charlotte offered…Please don't make fun of him…"
"Yeah, sack boy…" Penny, glaring… "I can't believe I have to rate you below Howard in how fast you tumble into bed with that psycho…"
"Excuse me?...No one told me I was with a pretty version of Lizzie Borden…Amy thought I'd be good for her…And I wasn't getting any other offers, if you recall…"
"You should have known better…Howard Wolowitz did…" she turns head regally…Slight sniffing…
"And God, that's embarrassing…To have the guy I love underperform Howard…" she eyes Leonard…Slightest of smiles…He returning, after a moment's frown…
Stuart eyeing us…Guys?...
"Are we supposed to leave now?..." I hiss to Amy Farrah Fowler…She nodding… "Your social skills continue to escalate, my beloved…"
"All due to you, my lil' social minx…"
In the corridor as we cautiously scanned for any sign of our nemesis, a sheepish Raj joined us to explain that Charlotte had temporarily vamoosed to retrieve her and Amy's maternal parent at the local airport…
"Well, that should restrain her, right?..." Stuart notes…
"I don't know…Charlotte's never been particularly close to Mother…And Mother hasn't particularly been involved in our lives since Father ran out…Except to warn us of the perils of sexual bonding…While still demanding we find suitably acceptable mates…Which has been rather confusing…" Amy sighs… "I don't she'll be too concerned with offending her…Though it may make her a bit more cautious, Mother's presence might even stimulate her to escalation…It was Mother who did nothing to prevent Father from sending her away…And kept her in France even after the divorce/widowhood…No, she might even enjoy the idea of Mother witnessing a triumph…"
Stuart chuckling suddenly… "Sorry, just the idea of a supervillain with a mom…"
"Not all that strange…" I point out… "It being generally the superhero whose parents' loss triggers his/her arc to superhero hood, either through setting her/him on the path of revenge, followed by a redemptive move to seeking justice for all…Or by temporarily causing him/her to seek an outlet in hedonism, like Tony Stark…The supervillain's parentage is rarely reflected on…Excepting Lex Luthor of course…Whose deceased mother at least was apparently very nice…"
"Could your mother help us?..." Stuart eyes Amy… "Even if Charlotte's angry at her, she might listen to her…"
"I don't know…Mother tends to prefer to pretend alls well with us and we are the happiest and most perfect of families…Anything else she filters out…And what with Charlotte's 'career' in seduction there's been a lot to filter out…" Hmmn…
"What?..." I ask…
"Well, there is one other option…" Amy begins…
An alarm sounds…Fire by the pitch and frequency, I note…
"Hey…Fire alarm, I think…" Leonard emerges from the room…Penny in careful tow, nursing her foot still…Both clearly having been engaged in pre-coital activity…
As I've noted, Hofstadter and his tendency to restate the obvious…
"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part XXXII…
Ten minutes previous…
"So?..." Howard eyed Bernadette as they sat in her room…Her Glinda costume a bit bedraggled by the fast pace of events this afternoon/early evening…
"Howard, I'm so ashamed…I don't really know how it happened…"
"There's only one way, Bernie…And it's not an accident like spilling a glass of milk…" wry smile…Rub of forehead under hat band…
"I was just so…We couldn't seem to get anywhere on settling things…"
"I renewed my offer to marry you…You'd said yes, again…Then got concerned about Mother and me…Even though you both do seem to get along, ok…And I'd said I'd never have a problem with your mom or anyone…I like having family around…"
"I know…But…"
"I was even ready to give up kids, since you don't like them…"
"It's just I've been part of such a big family, always having to tend them…It takes so much out of you, there's no time for work or anything…Howard, I didn't want to be my mother…Let alone have her or yours running my life…Telling me I wasn't doing enough for you…It hasn't been easy for me to make a career in Science, you know…"
"Fine…" he sighed… "And Raj?...Is he better with this?..."
"I don't know…Why would I care?...Howard…?"
"You chose to go off with him, Bernie…I have to assume that means you find his situation easier…And his parents are pretty far away…"
"What's that supposed to mean?...Howard, are you saying you want to break up?..." anxious tone… "I don't want that, Howard…I'm sorry…"
"Bernie, I'm no great loss…And Raj is a fine guy…Probably the one you wanted all along…" he rose…
"Howard?...Wait!..." she rose…Grunting a bit at a dot of pain… "Can't you forgive me?...God knows, you've done…"
"Bernie?...What have I done, apart from being childish and obnoxious at times, since we hooked up?…"
"Howard…"
"I'm sorry, Bernie…No…Charlotte may be crazy but she had the right advice…I need to start demanding a little respect…The fact is I'd never do to you what you did to me, so casually…You don't love Raj but why not hop into bed with him while deciding about me?...I don't deserve that kind of treatment, Bernadette…Not even a little silly fool runt like me…In my silly little costume…" he patted his sword… "I forgive you, no problem…But we can't be together…I deserve someone, anyone who treats me better…"
"Howard…You're right…But you know I'm sorry…I'll do better…"
"Bernie…I'm not trying to manipulate you here…I mean this…" he sighed… "Goodbye, Bernie…"
"NO!...Howard, don't you leave!..." she stepped forward…
"Raj is a fine guy…You'll be fine whether you take him or not…See ya…" he went out the door…She staring after him…
"Howard!..."
He passed a nervous Raj, who was just folding up his powered down laptop, having made desperate excuse… "Just a bit of fun American horseplay, no one hurt…And no romantic triangles involved…If you were wondering…And why would you?...Goodbye, Mummy, Daddy…" to his parents…
"She's waiting for you…" he eyed the rather puzzled Raj… "You don't have to say anything, it's no one's fault…Just take care of her, ok?..." He continued down the hall, Raj staring after him…
Bernadette reaching him a moment later as Howard turned the corner, she hobbling a bit…
"Where'd he go?...Howard!..."
"I think to his room…"
"You…" she glared at him… "This is all your fault…"
"Bernadette?..."
"All right, fine…It's my fault too…" she waved a hand… "Oh, he'll never forgive me…" she teared up…
"Howard Wolowitz?...Never forgive you?..." Raj stared… "If he held out ten minutes, I'd be amazed…"
He backed away at her glare…And her raised arm…
"Bernadette?..."
"He was absolutely right…He deserves better…You little sneak…You worthless…"
Raj failing to see she was addressing herself in the hallway mirror…
"Bernadette?...That is so…"
"Shut up…" she fumed… "Raj, you go with me and you tell Howard…It meant nothing…You owe me…And him…That much…"
"Nothing?..." he stared…
Geesh…
"Move it!..." she prodded him with her wand….Both halting and looking round as the alarm sounded…
Milling hotel guests…Blaring alarm…My colleagues uncertain…This is a job for…
Do I even need to elucidate?...
"First rule of an evacuation…" I note…
"Sheldon…I don't see a flicker but we will be burned to death before you get through that rules list, come on…" Leonard sighs… "Lets go everybody…Stuart?...Can you go check on Raj and the other guys?..."
"Wait…I don't know about this…" Amy, shaking head… "This is a bit too coincidental…"
"You think Charlotte pulled the alarm to prevent the party?..." Penny asks…leaning on Leonard's shoulder, still hobbling a bit …Hobblin' with my Hobbit, she thinks…Repressing grin, sure to be misunderstood… "Maybe she didn't go to the airport?..."
"I'm hobblin' with my Hobbit…" she whispers to Leonard… "And I looove it…"
"Did we give you too many pain pills…?" Leonard, hissing back…
"Perhaps…" Amy, thoughtful… "If so, she's really going to be in for it…Mother hates to be kept waiting…"
"Guys…Regardless, we gotta get…" Leonard, insistent…Clearly concerned about his mate, which equally clearly pleases his mate no end… "And don't worry, Amy, I'll get your mother and if we have to we'll find a banquet hall or a big restaurant…This party is coming off…"
"Indeed…If we have to, there's always McDonalds…" Amy nods…
"Now, now…Amy, there's no need to descend into caveperson savagery…We can go to that nice Cyndy's Starbuck den if necessary, but there are limits…" Hmmn…I note the increasing milling about… "Oh, look, there are rules, people…" I urge the crowd clustering in the hallway about the stairway…Hoping to impose order out of chaos as I wade to clear a path…Probably Charlotte-imposed chaos… "Now lets just get in single-file and…" Leonard, with a content Penny apparently attached to shoulder, following slowly…We are separated by the crowd as Amy follows in turn…
"Sheldon!..." Amy cries as I am grabbed from behind by a large, husky male of well-developed musculature and aptly limited vocabulary…
"Get in dere…" he hisses…Tossing me toward the stairs…An even larger fellow seizing me there…
Apparently my Bondian outfit lacks much intimidation status…
"What the fuck?..." Penny, staring… The whole crowd turning on our group…Forcing all but me back…
"Hello, mon amour…" Charlotte in stairway, smiling at me through the open door… "Amy, I had Mother picked up by my driver, hope you don't mind…" she calls… "Sheldon and I have business…Well, pleasure, really…In France…"
I thought she might have henchthugs…But I never suspected she had a hotel floor full…
Hmmn…The large but not unattractive blonde female henchthug on the left seems to be rather interested in Leonard, apart from blocking his and Penny's way with menacing expression…
The large, bald man at her side, however, is clearly not interested, though more menacing…
Lord, he's bigger than Penny's old boyfriend Kurt...Charlotte certainly knows her henchthug business...
Meanwhile at glance from Charlotte I am dragged back into the stairwell, struggling…
My ju-jitsu skills useless as my arms are pinioned…
"Sheldon!...Charlotte, I'm going to do you serious bodily harm!..." Amy cries…
The elevator opens…Charlotte halting in mid-cackle…A puzzled-looking manager whom the others had met on their arrival to be shown the party ballroom steps out…
"Was there an alarm pulled?..."
"False alarm…Foolish prank by…That gentleman…" Charlotte points out one of her people who puts on a sheepish expression… "He's turned himself in and we have the situation under…"
Uhhmmmnph…I try to scream…Or shout…Through the vise-like ham-sized hand over my mouth….
"The situation is not under control!..." Leonard shouts… "Call the police, these people are not hotel guests!...They've kidnapped our friend!..." struggling to push forward….The male henchthug grabbing an arm…Hissing coldly...
"Most of these are extras but not me and my friends, pal…One more word and we'll have to hurt the ladies…" he eyes Penny…
Amy surrounded as well…
"Nonsense…" the manager frowns… Leonard, hesitating as the female henchthug now takes Penny's arm…She jerking away…
"Indeed…" Charlotte agrees…"I paid for them, the whole cast…Sorry if our little film is getting out of hand…"
"Well…I just wanted to let Dr. Fowler know…Your helicopter is here, Dr. Fowler…"
"Merci…" Charlotte beamed to him…Turning back to face the girls and Leonard…
Helicopter?...They stare...
"No!..." Penny hollering… "Help!..."
The manager stares, uncertain, but is shoved back into the elevator…Sent down…
Amy now freed as her confronters pull back to the stairwell…As are Penny and Leonard…
The others in the crowd staring at each other…
This is just a film, right…?
"Time we departed…" Charlotte, beaming at my friends…Her people, of the true henchthug variety joining her… "So sorry we have to part this way, Amy…But I'm on call for surgery in France tomorrow and clearly you don't want me here…So…Au revoir, ma soeur…" wave…
Whoa…Penny, pleased glance to the troubled Amy…Guess the bitch got our message and is crawlin' back to where…
Uh-oh…Wait a mo…She's got Sheldon…Not so good…
"Leonard, Penny, come on!..." Amy, racing for the stairwell… "She was ready for this, all the time…Her people were in place on the floor, all the rest was deception…She's taking Sheldon…Hurry!…"
"Are we still supposed to hang round?..." one extra calls…"
"Cut!...Now, get out of my way!..." Amy screams…