His head was pounding as the hospital wing slowly came into focus. Remus could hear hushed whispering, but as soon as he began to stir, it stopped. Every joint in his body was in agony, as was normal after the full moon, but today it was different. His torso was covered in deep cuts, ones he knew would scar. Remus was no stranger to scars, but he'd barely gotten any since the marauders became animagi. Why had last night been worse?
Foggy memories of last night came back to him, but the only clear thing was... blood. Lots of blood. His friends were nowhere to be seen, normally they'd be at his bed as soon as he woke up. Just as his thoughts fell to his friends, the voices started again, clearer but further away, towards the door.
"Mr Lupin will not want to see you right now." Madam Pomfrey's stern voice echoed around the room
"But he'll want company," James' voice pleaded.
"No buts head to your dormitory". Why wouldn't he want to see James? Why was James not allowed in? What had he missed?! Madam Pomfrey bustled over to him, laden down with potions.
"Oh good, you're up, quite a bad one last night eh?"
"Ughhh" Remus tried to speak but all that came out was a groan, he couldn't even sit up.
"Come on, rest... and drink this" she handed him one of many potions, this one being a sickly green.
"Why was last night so bad?" Remus managed to croak out.
Madam Pomfrey immediately averted her gaze, and tapped her leg anxiously, before her eyes fell back to the injured boy in front of her. "I think it's best if McGonagall answered that one." McGonagall?! Oh no... what had he done?!
"Did... did I...?" those few words were almost impossible to say as dread filled him.
"No dear of course not." Madam's expression softened momentarily, before a serious look crossed her face. Relief washed over Remus, he hadn't hurt anyone, though he still didn't have any answers. "But..." There was always a but... Why was there a but?!
"Unfortunately... well, let me just show you." Tentatively, she held a mirror up to Remus. His reflection shone back, same as normal, except... he now had two giant scars stretching across his face. One was faded and from many years ago, but the other was red, raw and as prominent as ever. Gingerly, Remus lifted a finger to the scar, but flinched away when he touched it, pain immediately shooting through his body.
"Oh careful now... sleep and we'll see how you are when you wake up." Madam's voice was strong and Remus was in no fit state to object.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When he was finally discharged, Remus' body still ached all over. Remus was excited to see his friends; he had dearly missed them over the lonely few days. However, just as he was about to head for a lazy Saturday in his dorm, McGonagall whisked him off to her office.
"Mr Lupin," Remus nodded in response and McGonagall continued, "the last full moon was unfortunately... very eventful". Remus nodded again, unable to think of anything to say, and the professor realised it would probably be best if she monologued.
"Mr Black decided it would be funny to tell Mr Snape how to get past the whomping willow. Mr Snape followed the passage that night and saw you when you were transformed. Mr Potter managed to stop Snape entering the shack, so no harm was done to either party, but humans being near must have agitated you," (Remus knew the real reason was that the marauders had not been able to join him in the shack), "because, as you know, you have rather more injuries that usual. Mr Snape has been stopped from telling anyone and Mr Black has been thoroughly reprimanded but..."
Remus didn't let her finish, he couldn't make sense of any of it! He stormed out of her office and ran to his dorm, trying to process what this meant. Once safe inside his bed with the curtains closed, anger and panic pulsed through him. His heart was beating out of his chest and adrenaline was running high. 'Snape knew! What did this mean? How much longer did he have at hogwarts?! Why would SIrius do that?!' Sirius and Remus had been dating for three months, I guess all good things have to come to an end, 'I thought he liked me! Turns out he thought I was a monster just like everyone else. Did he not know I could have killed someone?! I could have been shipped off to azkaban or worse! Snape could be dead, because of me! This is all Sirius' fault...'
"Remus..." James' nervous words shattered the silence that, thanks to Remus' thoughts, hadn't really been silent at all. "Remus, I know you're in there."
Lazily, Remus cracked open his curtains, before immediately flopping back down onto his bed. "Come to tell me how Sirius is really a saint in this situation?" malice dripped from Remus' words as he spoke. He wasn't annoyed at James... he was annoyed at everyone.
"No actually... Sirius was a dick. I'm here to make sure you're ok. I tried to visit you, I really did. Look, do you need anything or..."
"It's fine James. I'm fine." That was a blatant lie but hearing James side with him did honestly make him feel a little better. He had really been expecting James to defend Sirius, they were best friends after all.
"Ok well... I'll just be over there." gently James shut Remus' curtains and went back to whatever he was doing; probably homework. James' kind words did little to calm Remus, he was still seething with anger, only now it was directed at one person: Sirius fucking Black.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Fortunately, in his eyes anyway, Remus had managed to avoid Sirius last night. Sirius had returned to the dorm, but only very late, leaving very little opportunity for conversation. Remus was also rather glad to note that both Peter and James ignored Sirius all morning, only shooting him angry glances every once in a while. Remus had not so much as looked at him.
How long he'd be able to keep ignoring Sirius was debatable, but Remus hoped he could at least get through the day's lessons so he could confront Sirius in private. Keeping it up through breakfast, proved to be hard enough.
"Hey Remus" Lily gave him a shy smile as he sat down at the gryffindor table. Avoiding her inevitable questions, Remus reached for some toast.
"Hi." He replied bluntly.
"How are you feeling after..." Lily trailed off before the end of her sentence but it was obvious what she was going to say.
"Fine." Remus hoped she would get the hint and realise he didn't want to talk. She didn't.
"Earlier, I heard James saying you were his best friend not Sirius. Do you know anything about that?" Remus stayed silent and stared at his plate, 'of course I know' he thought, but he also knew how fast gossip spread, no matter how trustworthy Lily was. This time when Remus remained silent, Lily did get the hint and turned around to Marlene, trying to ignore how curious she felt.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The day was torture, it felt like three eternities had passed before the bell finally signalled the end of lessons. Unfortunately for Remus, the day's woe was far from over and the next obstacle was just around the corner... literally.
He had just come from arithmancy which only he and Lily took, but she had run off with Mary leaving Remus to walk back alone, a grave mistake. Snape managed to corner him in an empty classroom, with a wand pointed directly at him.
"Well, looks like I finally discovered Loony Lupin's secret". Snape snarled as he spoke, and it was everything Remus could do not to punch him in the face. "What? Got nothing to say for yourself? Pathetic."
"Leave me alone Snivellous". There was nothing Remus wanted less than to have an interaction with Snape.
"You know, if it was up to me, I'd tell the whole school and you'd be forced to leave"
"Good thing it's not up to you." he tried to sound calm but on the inside Remus was panicking, he had no idea how this would end.
"Oh you... LACERO!" Snape shouted and a huge slash appeared on Remus' arm and started oozing blood.
"What the FUCK! ..."
"That's for what you are. Lacero! ..." another gash appeared next to the other, "that's for trying to hurt me and this is for ever thinking something like you could belong at this school... SECTUMS---" Snape started to shout the incantation but this time Remus was prepared and raised his own wand in retaliation.
"Petrificus totalus!" Snape fell to the floor. Remus didn't know what the spell Snape was about to do did, but he wasn't very keen to find out. Unnerved, he waited until he was a safe distance away before casting the countercurse and legging it down the corridor. He pulled his sleeve down 'it'll heal, it's fine' he thought.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Relieved, Remus reached the door to his dormitory, but he heard heated voices inside and paused. Curiously, he leaned closer and discerned the voices as James and Sirius'.
"Come on mate! It was a mistake, please just talk to me! This is torture"
"This is torture?! Imagine what Moony's feeling! You deserve this."
"Please! I'll do anything, please forgive me!"
"It's not up to me to forgive you"
Remus heard one of them getting closer to the door and walked further away so it wouldn't look like he was eavesdropping. Looking furious, James stormed out of the room, his face softening upon seeing Remus.
"Just so you know, Sirius is in there" James gestured towards the door, a warning written in his features.
"It's fine, i'll have to confront him sooner or later" Remus tried to sound determined but didn't feel confident at all.
"Ok, if you're sure" James looked worried but continued down the stairs anyway.
Sheepishly, Remus turned the handle to his door and stepped in, standing as tall as he could manage. One look at Sirius sent fury coursing through him, but he continued onward anyway. 'There's no point hiding from your problems forever.'
"Moony, please! you..."
"Don't call me that"
"Remus you have to understand..." Sirius was interrupted again, turns out Remus had even less interest in hearing Sirius out than he thought.
"Understand what? How you think I'm a monster, you can use! You're just like everyone else."
"No! Of course not! It's...
"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" The words spilled from Remus' mouth before he could really think, and they hit Sirius like 50 daggers to the heart.
"I do!" Sirius was crying now, and very clearly begging. He even seemed to shrink into himself slightly, scared. The next time he spoke it was little more than a whisper and racked with sobs, "please believe me, I do"
"You didn't fucking act like it!". Remus wiped a tear from his cheek, he didn't even know he'd shed. He was too furious to show any other emotion, but alongside the anger he was heartbroken.
"I know," Sirius said quietly, and sank to his knees. "I know!" he shouted, taking both himself and Remus by surprise.
Remus' head was spinning, that was because of Sirius' words. But he was also feeling very lightheaded, that was because of the blood loss from the cuts he forgot he had. On the verge of fainting, Remus grabbed his bed post for support, nearly falling into it.
"Remus!" Sirius shouted immediately standing up and rushing to help. Sirius placed his hand on Remus' shoulder but even in this state Remus was furious and shrugged him off.
"Fine..." he said, breathlessly.
"I'll..." Sirius was fumbling with his words, unsure of the best way to handle the situation, especially when Remus would definitely not accept his help. "I'll get Lily," he decided, and rushed out the room.
A few minutes later Lily entered the room, alone. She looked out of breath, clearly having run all the way here and she had nothing but her wand with her.
"Remus! Are you ok?" Lily felt very stupid after asking, it was a redundant question, he was turning as white as a sheet.
"No..." instead of trying to explain, Remus held out his arm for her to inspect, displaying the deep wounds still oozing blood.
Alarm ringing on her face, Lily rushed over and began muttering incantations to slow the bleeding. "What happened? Do you need Madam Pomfrey?"
"No, I can't" the colour was returning to his face and Remus was finding it easier to form coherent sentences.
"Ok" She seemed reluctant to accept this, but moved on anyway, "But seriously what happened?".
"He... he tried... to do worse... but... but... I stopped... him... he was so angry"
Lily was confused and Remus wasn't making much sense, but she tried to understand anyway. Her healing seemed to be working, at least somewhat. Remus looked less ill now... and a bit more panicked. "Who? Who did?... Sirius?!"
"No! no..."
"Ok then who?"
The last thing Remus wanted to do was start fights, and he was now feeling absolutely fine, well close enough. So he pulled down his sleeve, withdrew his arm and looked away from Lily. "it doesn't matter."
"Yes it does!"
"Please Lily, I don't want to make things worse"
"Ok well, if you change your mind," she gave him an apologetic smile, and slipped out the room. Remus really was grateful for Lily, but it was hard to feel anything but sorry for himself in that moment. A few hours ago, it had felt like nothing could get any worse but now, he'd been attacked, as good as broken up with his boyfriend and made a complete fool of himself in front of said boyfriend and one of his best friends.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The rest of the evening had been spent buried in homework and reading to distract himself, still nothing had worked. Soon it was late and the other three crept into the dorm room, and settled down for bed. Almost instantly, the room was filled with the sounds of James and Peter's snores but also the awkward shufflings of two boys trying and failing to sleep.
Before long, Remus grew fed up of the atmosphere, they both knew the other was awake and the tension was killing him. Silently, Remus tiptoed over to Sirius' bed and peeled open the curtains. To his surprise, Sirius was sitting bolt upright, his eyes puffy and red. Remus wondered how Sirius had managed to cry so quietly but he knew now was not the moment to ask. Shocked, Sirius looked up, he tried not to look embarrassed but he hated people seeing him cry. Feeling as though it was too late to turn back now, Remus sat on the edge of the bed and cast a silencing charm around them.
"Why'd you do it?" Remus thought it best just to ask the question that's been burning in the front of his mind.
"I wasn't thinking"
"No, you weren't" Remus agreed, coldly.
"But Snape was saying some really horrible things and then he started talking about how he was going to find out your secret and my mind went cloudy and I just thought fuck it, why shouldn't he find out, if you hurt him he deserves it." Sirius said the whole thing in one breath and couldn't bring himself to look Remus in the eye after.
"And you didn't think about what it could mean for me?"
"I know I should have and I know I was an idiot but... but I didn't think you were a monster or an object for even a second, I don't."
"It's true though, I am" and Remus really did believe that. He always had.
"How can you say that?! You're the most perfect person there is, you can't control what happens and you even hurt yourself to stop from hurting others. Your kind, and thoughtful, and beautiful, and I was a complete dick. I know, I don't deserve you, but I'm hoping at some point you'll be able to accept my apology."
"I don't know what McGonagall did, she says Snape won't be able to tell anyone, but I've a feeling he's not going to get over it very quickly.
"What do you mean?". For the first time in their conversation, Sirius brought his eyes to meet Remus'
"Today, after lessons... he attacked me... said it was for 'what i am' ".
Oh god, I'm so sorry I never meant for... oh the next time i see him..."
"Don't! It's what he wants."
"But this is all my fault I should have never..."
"It is. But I know you didn't mean for it to end so badly, or at least I hope so"
Hope flashed across Sirius' face, "No! I didn't. I wanted to... I thought I wanted to hurt Snape but I know now I only hurt you. Which is something I have never wanted to do and never want to do again."
Remus could feel the anger ebbing away, he let himself relax and most of all, he let himself believe Sirius, believe that he really did care. "I know and... and..." he couldn't think of the right words to say.
Cautiously, Sirius placed his hand on Remus' cheek, but this time Remus didn't shrug him off. Remus didn't want to shrug him off. "I'm so sorry" another tear rolled down Sirius' face and he looked vulnerable in the dim light.
"I know love, I know"
There was still tension hanging in the air, but now there was a light at the end of the tunnel: forgiveness.