Jesse
*Ring, Ring*
I leaned up against the jail wall, listening to the ring of the phone. "Come on, fucking pick up," I mumbled in agitation.
"The caller you are trying to reach isn't available. Wait for the beep to leave a message or hang up now," An automated voice spoke.
My eyes closed shut, taking a deep breath.
*Beep*
"Vinny, where the fuck are you guys? You said you were coming yesterday to bail me out. I'm dying here, man. Just pick up the damn phone...please," I slam the phone back down.
One of the guards walked up. "Time's up. Let's go, Marshall."
I clench my teeth together and nod once as he leads me back down the hallway.
Once we get to where my cell was, the door opened, and I walk back inside where the three other guys I was stuck in this hell hole with were sitting around in.
There were two bunk beds on either side, and they had already been here before me, so I was left with the one bed that smelt like literal shit and piss. It's been two damn nights sleeping on that, well, more like barely sleeping, and I'm worried it's about to be three. Part of me thought maybe Ryder or Nix might come through, but after waking up yesterday, I realized that they couldn't give two shits about me right now. I can't say I don't understand why since everything that happened with Vee and Sam. I'm sure they got everyone on their side ready to fight me by now, but whatever, I can take what they have to throw at me.
I climbed up on the top bunk, laying back on the disgusting and thin mattress that shouldn't even be considered one at this point. My eyes glanced at the lanky-looking man sitting up against the wall on the other side with a tattoo of what looked like the spider on his right arm. He didn't seem like a scary or crazy type, but who the hell even knows what he's in here for. I looked around at the other two. Not one of us has barely spoken a word, and I could be in a god damn cell with a person that just murdered someone or something.
My focus was now on the ceiling above me, feeling anxious and trapped in this small square full of criminals that I don't even belong to be in here with. I mean, who the fuck gets arrested for throwing a few punches in a dumb fight between friends. Well, at least he was a friend, and I might have deserved a smack or two, but he took it too far without even talking to me first.
Yeah, I fucked up the last few days in a major way, but no one will even listen to what the hell I have to say without shit turning into another fight like it did with Sam. Looking back now, I should have gone to the hospital to be there for Nix and Ryder while at the same time they have no idea why I was torn between throwing that fucking party and going with Vee. They think they know me when really they don't know that much at all. We've been friends for a while, but I haven't ever felt comfortable opening up about my life at home with anyone. Even Vee doesn't know everything. All she really knows is that I have a shitty relationship with my family, especially my dad. It's been like that since I was a kid.
My past isn't something I like to talk about with anyone, and to be honest, I don't think any of them know what it's like to grow up trying to prove to your own parents that you weren't a mistake like they always said that you were. That's how I got into baseball. My dad has been a fan of the Tampa Bay Ray's as long as I can remember, and he played some baseball back in the day. He took me to my first ever professional game when I was five years old, and I saw how he looked watching the guys out on the field. It was the first time I ever really saw him smile, and that's when I thought becoming like one of the players out there would be the way to get him to look at me like that. I wanted my dad to finally be proud that I was his son and for the face of pure disappointment to be wiped away. That has always been my hope, and that's what helps me make those tough decisions, whether it leads to clouded judgment or not.
Ryder and Phoenix grew up surrounded by people that were involved in baseball and a family that supported them regardless of what they did. I can't help but feel slightly jealous that they had the life I could only ever dream of. Two parents who loved them unconditionally. It's hard to be with people that don't know what living a life without support, or that kind of love is like. That's why I never told them, and it made me almost uncomfortable to think about telling them. I don't want to be pitied or someone to feel bad for me just because my parents hate me, so I choose to keep the lack of family support hidden away. It's not like any of them would be able to do anything to help. I had a bigger goal that I wanted to achieve, and at the end of the day, I had to decide what was going to help me actually get there.
When I got accepted to college in Florida, there was a split second that I saw a glimmer of excitement in my father's eyes. It lit a fire under my ass to be able to reach my goals in life. One of them that I have had for years now was to get drafted by the Tampa Bay Rays. That's where Marcus Collins and his group of friends came into the picture.
Once I began playing for the Cobras, I found out that Marcus's dad was actually the head coach of the Rays. It felt like a meant to be kind of thing except for the fact that Marcus and I were never really the greatest of friends. He was cool with everyone on the team, I guess, but he's arrogant as fuck and already had his group of friends set in stone since he had been around longer than I had, just starting freshman year. We went to the same parties and chatted a few times about stupid shit yet never were close. The first person I actually met was Ryder, and shortly after that is when the guys all became friends. I was happy to have them in my life because they've made life fun around here, and they're all good people, but at the same time, it made me forget my focus.
Marcus was a senior this year, and it only occurred to me recently that I have spent my entire time in college so far partying and playing house with Vee that I haven't put any effort into my ultimate goal. I've only been pushing it aside and focusing on the present when my chance to get an in with someone important was slipping.
So, when Marcus and Vinny came to me about moving the party to our place after the first game of the year, I agreed because I saw it as the in with the guys I had been waiting for. That maybe this was an opportunity to get on their good side, and Marcus could put in a good word for me before it was too late. My heart was being pulled by Vee and the others at the hospital, but it didn't sound like life or death for Scar, so I went with Marcus and Vinny. I know I will have to live with the guilt for not being there, but I couldn't just not take the opportunity I was handed right then.
And I know it was selfish as fuck, but there are times in life that you need to be, and maybe I did choose the wrong time to be in the end. Only time will tell, though. Right now, the boys and I are not in a good place because of it, but someday when they're willing to listen and understand, maybe that will change. Yeah, it sounds like a shitty excuse, and I'm an asshole for it, I admit, yet no one can really judge without being in your shoes. If they had been in mine since I was just a kid, maybe then they would know what getting to the place I want to be will make sense. Every word spoken to me of how I would never amount to anything or look of judgment and disinterest from my parent's eyes was enough for me to push myself to get to where I want to be, which is seen as a son...to be seen as someone good enough. Deep down, it wasn't just to make them proud but to show them that I am more than what they see. I'm not a worthless piece of shit. Some day I will be looked at as one of the best ballplayers in the league, and no one will be able to stop that dream.
Vee's face suddenly flashed into my mind as my forehead scrunched up, and I slowly rubbed my face with both hands. The guilt and pain have come in waves since I fucked up everything with her. I don't have any excuse that would even sound decent other than I drowned myself in alcohol that night. We fought before she left for the hospital with Sam and part of me felt I should have gone with her, but that devil on the shoulder was telling me to stop caring and have fun. And in order to do that, I drank my feelings and problems away. At the time, it felt good. We were all having a good time, including Marcus, Vinny, and that whole group. No one had a care in the world, and in the moment, I felt free. It definitely was only because I was drunk off my ass, but it didn't matter.
I barely remember kissing Amber, let alone bringing her back to my room. The reality hit me what I had done when I woke up to her face instead of Vees. It was not what I thought I was going to wake up to, and the memories of the night before were fuzzy, but there were images of what had happened in my mind. I quickly panicked and forced her out of the apartment, filled with shame and disgust of myself. She wasn't pleased, obviously, but I wasn't about to have a meaningful conversation with the girl I had just cheated on my goddamn girlfriend with and for Vee to come back.
The second I slammed the front door shut, I cleaned the sheets and everything in our room until there was not even a scent of that bitch in the air. Now that I think about it, that probably made it more suspicious, but it would have been worse leaving it after what happened.
I quietly groan in frustration, rolling over on my side to stare at the grey brick wall.
When Vee found out, I felt my soul leave my body. Any excuse and pathetic words came flying out my mouth in a hurry, but I knew by the look on her face that I wouldn't be able to fix it. You can't undo what I did, and I broke every ounce of trust she ever had in me.
Why did I do it? I've been asking myself that question constantly and have made up every plausible excuse or reason in the book, yet none of them sound good enough for making it better. I could blame it on my family life and how I never knew what a healthy relationship was or how to keep one, but it was just an excuse. Then there was a part of me that felt like maybe I was being held down by Vee, and I was clouded by love to where I forgot my goals in life. It wasn't to settle down and have kids in a cookie-cutter life. I had a lot I wanted to achieve, and in my mind, I was losing focus of what I really wanted. The fight before she left that night only fueled my thoughts I have never spoken out loud, so when I wasted away my issues with vodka, I let my deepest thoughts consume me and make the choices I would never make when sober.
I always have pushed away people that showed me happiness and acceptance. I never felt like I deserved it, or it was fake and would only end up hurting me in the end. The sad thing is that I was the one who pulled the trigger instead of anyone else. I destroyed everything before it could take me down with it when I was already down, to begin with.
With Vee, I let myself be happy and looked past my worries for once. I tried my hardest not to let the devil on my shoulder take away what we had but little did I know that I have been the devil all along, and it was only time until I let it consume me. Now everyone probably sees me the way that I feel, which is what I deserve.
My goals haven't changed still, and I plan on getting there however I can, even if it crushes those around me. That may make me seem heartless because it's true. I finally showed the real me...the one that's been hidden...the one that's scarred and messed up. What I had left of my heart is Vee's, and she'll always have that last piece whether she likes it or not. I think she may be the only love of my lifetime, and I'm glad that I had her in my life to show me what love felt like for a little while, but now I'm left with nothing, and that's okay because if I'm going to get to the top, I can't have anything weighing me down. Plus, it's karma, I guess.
"Marshall, let's go," The sound of the guard's voice echoed into the cell as I looked back. "Your bail has been posted."
My brows raised, and I felt relief flood through me before hopping down as the door slid open.
I walked out and beside the guard. "Who?"
"How the hell should I know? Get moving," He spoke in annoyance, pushing me along the hall.
It took about ten minutes to process me out until I walked through the doors with my clothes back on that had dried blood stuck to them as my hands grasped a bag that had my phone and wallet in it.
When I got to the lobby, I didn't recognize anyone, which was strange to me, so I made my way outside to see if I could spot Marcus or one of the other guys.
Once I walked through the door, a burst of fresh air hit my nose as I stood there, taking it in. God, I'm never going to take this for granted again. The last thing I want is to be stuck in a tiny room that smells like death and is about a million degrees ever again.
"Hey you," A girl's voice catches my attention as I turn to see Amber leaning against the outside wall with a smile.
My forehead creased. "What the hell are you doing here?"
She scoffed. "Wow, is that really what you have to say to the person that just got you out of jail?"
"You?"
"Mhm," She nodded, walking over to me before she tilted her head. "Vinny called me and told me you were here."
"Why the fuck did they send you?"
Her eyes rolled. "They thought it would be a funny joke to make you think they forgot you and you would be left here. I guess someone was supposed to get you last night, but they actually did forget, and Marcus took the guys up to New York for the weekend to party in celebration or something. Long story short, they called me when they were on the plane to tell me to get someone to come get you and that they owe you a lifetime of drinks when you're out."
My jaw tightened as I sighed angrily. "Jesus Christ. What fucking dumb asses," I shook my head.
"At least they told me, or else you would have been stuck here for God knows how long," she looked at me with a smirk.
"Yeah, thanks," I mumbled, pulling out my cellphone to try and turn it on, but it was dead. "Fucking hell. Hey, can I borrow your phone?"
Amber arched a brow. "Why?"
"I need to call an uber or something."
Her face twisted in confusion. "Why would you call a damn uber? I can just take you home."
I shook my head. "I don't think that's the best idea."
She let out a laugh. "You didn't have any problem accepting a ride from me the other night?" Amber bit her lip, giving me a devilish look.
"What's wrong with you? Just stop. It was a fucking mistake, okay? I messed up big time, and I have to suffer the consequences."
"It didn't seem like a mistake when you went for round two."
I felt my blood start to boil. "You're really digging your grave here, Amber. At this point, hitchhiking sounds like a better option than getting in a car with you."
She let out an annoyed sigh. "Look, you cheated. It's not the end of the world. We both enjoyed it in the moment, but it's nothing to get all weird about, and it's not like there is any chance left with your girlfriend...not after finding out everything and fighting your friend in front of her."
My eyes narrowed angrily. "Seriously?"
"What?" She shrugged. "Come on. You know it's the truth, and the truth can hurt. Just grow some balls and own up to your mistakes, then move the fuck on."
"You're a fucking bitch," I growled. Her mouth fell open, offended. "Remember...the truth can hurt," I gave her a sarcastic smile.
"Asshole," She rolled her eyes before walking towards the parking lot, stopping to look back over her shoulder. "Are you coming or not, Jesse?"
I stood there, staring back at her. Well, I don't have much of a choice right now. My foot steps down onto the pavement from the sidewalk before I follow her, and she lightly smiles, shaking her head. You know, they say karma is a bitch, but just maybe my karma has another name, and it's Amber.
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Hey Sweet Readers!
I know I said that Vee would have a POV this chapter, but Jesse's ended up longer than planned, and it would have been weird to just switch to her, so I decided that she and Sam will have split POVs next chapter. It will be an emotional one but also one that will bring Sam and Vee closer. Also this was the only POV of Jesse's that I will do I think.
In this update, I wanted to show you guys a glimpse of Jesse's inner thoughts and why he does what he does. Nobody is perfect, and when you have a childhood filled with trauma and neglect, sometimes you may push away all the good because you've only known the bad. Then you might hold onto something that only fuels your selfish ways, and you lose sight of what actually matters, which is where Jesse is now. Yet, none of this is an excuse to treat those around you poorly or destroy a relationship. I wanted you to get a feel for how Jesse thinks and that he carries his past with him all the time. There isn't much hope for him and Vee to continue their relationship, but there is hope that maybe now that he's on rock bottom, he will realize it's okay to open up and ask for help and possibly there is hope for him to be on better terms with Vee someday far in the future as well as the others. It won't ever be the same and he won't be apart of the pack but it will be more like an acquaintanceship.
Hope you enjoyed and thank you for your patience the last few days! Your kindness and understanding means so much.❤️