Alex's POV
Monday, April 12 – Dawsonville, Georgia
There was something that told me after the confrontation with Ryan that I needed to make another trip to Georgia, so here I am.
Let's face it – Ryan wasn't budging, always deflecting, clearly has something to hide. It also was clear that there was no forgiveness going around based on nobody feeling better. Even with Chase's runner-up, I could see in those post-race videos that he was still hurting deep down.
So here I was, once again in Dawsonville, once again at his house, and once again had made my way inside. It was perhaps a good idea considering that yet again, Jack found his way on the counter.
"I can't keep finding you like this," I tell him, smelling the alcohol on his breath once again. It was clear this probably wasn't the first glass to touch the counter tonight. "Actually, more like I hate finding you like this. I hate seeing this, Chase...."
"Then help me," he offers, to which I was easily ready to accept. It's why I made the pain staking drive to Georgia despite having a long day of my own between HMS meetings with Gregory, and tearing down the sprint car with the guys. "Make it go away. Give me the freedom from it for one night and show me what it's like to be loved. Be with me, Alex..."
Did he just say what he think he said? I'm sorry, but I need a rewind and a repeat here. there's no way he just offered what I think he offered.
First of all, I care about him as a friend. I care about him as a real dear friend teammate. I am willing to do whatever it takes in the friendship realm. However, I've never gone there with someone of that gender.
Truth be told, if there was someone, it may be him. After all, there were just certain features about him which always caught my eye – making temptation a little tough right now, admittedly.
Was this really happening?
"I want to help you and be there for you," I start, very carefully might I add as I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Temptation was easy to give into – but I couldn't go there quite yet. I wasn't sure it was the right step for myself, and was that really the right cure tonight? "That's why I came to see you. That's why I am allowing you to talk to me, sound off on me, pour your heart out. So please tell me what's on your mind."
"I think we both know the truth and reality here," he tells me, which no doubt was him seeing the same thing I saw in Ryan's behavior and words. It also didn't help that Isabelle backed it up in saying something happened. "Words, feelings – we both know it's simply pain. That's why I want you to help me forget."
"Forgetting doesn't make it go away forever." I knew that better than anyone as it took me longer than intended to get my ex off of my mind.
"I know, but it gives me relief and freedom. Give me that, Alex..."
Did I mention how difficult it wasn't to just give in to his demands, allow him a reason to be happy and release? Did I mention how hot he was, too?
"I know you're not just here as a friend," he tells me, placing his hand on top of his. How was his hand so soft and tender? "I know there's more there, Alex. Give in and enter the world – give me the escape I deserve."
"Part of me wants to say yes," I admit to him, finally allowing myself to embrace the temptation, and see what these feelings entailed. What if this was truly happening? What if I was truly attracted to him and wanted this? "But I can't do-"
"It's okay to admit to these feelings, Alex..." He probably knew what I was going through as he had probably been here before in interacting with Ryan, wondering if was real. I wonder who made the first move – damn it, focus Alex before you lose train of thought and give in to every feeling you felt.
"I'd rather wait – for now. Maybe you're right, maybe we're wrong. But I don't want you to do something that you'll regret out of pain and anger for what happened." We all knew the drill. Someone gets cheated on, feels their heart was stomped on, and does something they regret in an effort to ease the pain – whether lash out and attack, or go down a different road. I didn't want Chase coming back angry at me before because I simply gave into those feelings. After all, wasn't that what Kaitlyn partially did to him over and over before?
"I can promise you that I won't regre-"
"Maybe, but Chase, I'd still rather wait until the dust has fully settled and you know what you're going to do about your future with Ryan and Isabelle. What if you decide to forgive because she lied and it was just a simple kiss? Do you want to go back to him with a dirty little secret of your own?" I knew Chase and the answer would be no. He wasn't the type to do betrayal on someone no matter the terms or reason.
"No, but you said it yourself – I can't keep doing what I am doing. I need a reason to escap-"
"No, you need to face the feelings, face what is before you, talk about it, and decide which road you want to go down. That's the only way through this." I hated to be frank and direct, but if I tried any other route, I know it'd end up with him twisting my arm with temptation and us lying together. "I know it's hard, extra hard because you've been here before with Kaitlyn. I know it's difficult to relive all of those feelings, but Chase, it needs to be done. Masking it away, erasing it, trying to free your mind will just bring it all back the next day once again."
"You don't understan-"
"I do, because I've been through a break-up of my own. It wasn't this painful, but I know it's not easy." And that's why for most people, it was the worst experience, something they never vowed to repeat, and something they tried to avoid at all costs.
How could the sweetest human being right before me now faced with this two times in a row? That question alone just made me want to wrap my arms around him, hold him, and give into his demands so he didn't have to feel this way.
"Just one night, Alex..." He offers once again, getting another head shake from me. No matter what my heart was saying, I needed to listen to my brain – for all the reasons stated.
"How about we talk things over, or maybe play a game together?" I suggest, knowing we needed to get away from this topic before I dropped all barriers and just gave in – and before he noticed the bulge in my pants.
"Please, Alex..." Why was he making this so difficult?
"I can't do it, no matter what you say. I'm sorry, but that's not me....."