Chrissie's POV
After New Year, Jon and the guys had to move to LA to record their new album. I hadn't seen or heard from him in months, I didn't know how to feel in all honesty. It's like he would completely forget about me then when he calls he expects me to be there hanging by the phone. It wasn't fair on me, I have a life that I was trying to live. After the first month I totally gave up in asking his mom if he had called and started living my life. Some days I'd go over and see Lizzie and end up staying there a few days and other days I'd go teach kids dancing.
April came and suddenly the whole band came plundering into Jon's house with Jon trailing behind. I was completely pissed by this point but I kept my cool. They all strolled into the living room, slumping down on the sofa, not even taking a second glance at me. "Hey guys.." Trying to put on my best smile, Dave perked up a little when he heard my voice "Hey Chrissie" followed by Richie who said hello but Jon, Alec and Tico didn't breath a word to me. After a second attempt at saying hello to Jon with just a 'Mmmm' as a response I growled at him and left the room, going back upstairs to the room and slamming the door behind me. I got dressed, throwing on some jeans, a t-shirt, my converse and a jacket and ran back downstairs. I was just about to open the front door when Richie stopped me "Hey, Where ya goin honey? We just got back" I turned around, not even attempting to hide the pissed off look on my face "Really? Jon doesn't give a fuck whether I'm in the same fucking country let alone in the same house right now, So I'm gonna go for a fuckin walk then when I get back.....I don't know....I might go back to New York" shrugging, raising my voice a little in hopes Jon would hear.
I opened the door and slammed it behind me, not taking a glance back. I walked off in a straight line and kept walking, After what felt like an eternity of walking and thinking. I checked my watch and my eyes widened in shock, I had been walking for two hours. I started heading back to the house, it was fairly late by the time I got back. I walked in and I could hear that the band were still here. In fact none of them even got up when I walked back in. I was just about to walk upstairs when I overheard them talking about going back on tour next week "So you gonna tell Chrissie?" Richie quizzing him "She's gonna be pissed, but what does she want me to do? sit at home and knit?" Jon adding in "Man she looked pissed...She said she might go back to New York" Richie responding "Nah, That'll never happen.. she'll wait" Jon spitting back. I felt a surge of anger come over me, I walked in on them. Their attention turned to me straight away. Jon's face dropped like a ton of bricks, I could feel the tears fill up in my eyes. "Upstairs now" Growling out my words with such fierceness.
We got into his bedroom, He opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off "NO!! This is my turn to say something" the hot tears were running down my cheeks. "You really hurt me Jon....I never heard from you for 3 months, then you suddenly stroll in the house and don't even look at me....you don't talk to me..". "Baby...I--" He tries to talk but I cut him off again "..then I find out you're going back on the road NEXT WEEK!!". Suddenly all the emotions become to much for me and I burst out into tears, covering my mouth in shock. The hot tears come streaming down my face, he tried to reach out his hand to me but I slap it away. "I love you soo much....so fucking much....But I can't sit here and wait for you like a spare part and I shouldn't have to.... I have a life too...". There was a long pause "I know you can't....And I love you so much but I can't stop now....not when I'm so close" Sighing through his words. "You know I'd never ask you to stop and stay at home Jon...But I can't stay at home and wait for you.....I'm sorry" I start heading for the door when I feel his hand around my wrist. "Please....Please don't go.....don't leave me.....I love you so much.....Please...baby" His watery eyes pleading with me. I let out a sob and turn back to face him, I reach my hand up and caress his cheek. Leaning towards him, planting a soft wet kiss on his lips one last time "My Heart is yours.... always..........I love you Jon". My hand slips from his as I walk out the door, darting down the stairs and out the front door so fast. I just ran and kept running, I heard his voice echo from behind me. The tears were streaming down my face, my vision was blurry, I couldn't see properly but I didn't let it stop me. I didn't stop until I reached Lizzie's house, banging on the door until she opened it. Immediately falling into her arms, sobbing my heart out all over her chest. She brought me inside and after I calmed down a I had explained everything to her. She said I could stay with her until I go back to New York. We spent the rest of the night talking and she ordered some food but I didn't feel like eating. In fact I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling horrible for just running out on him but he needed to realise what he did and what he said really hurt me.
The next few days were rough, I barely slept a wink and barely ate either, I continued to cry myself to sleep every night. I had called Jon's house to see if he was in or out and his mom said he was at Dave's house so I decided to head over and get my things. I walked in his house and went into the living room "Hey Chrissie....How you doin sweetie?" Her heartfelt question touched me. Bursting into tears straight away and ran into her arms, sobbing my heart out all over her "He really hurt me..." Struggling to get my words out through sobs. "I know he's my son but he can be an idiot sometimes"......"But he does love you Chrissie......He thinks I can't hear him but I hear him crying at night" I sniffle up my tears and pull away. "I just need some time..." , "Well he's leaving in a few days.." Caressing my arm a little. She hesitates while she looks me up and down "Honey....Have you been eating?" I instantly look down to the floor and quietly sob. "I can't.....Everything I eat....I throw it back up......I can't sleep.... when I do I have night terrors" Looking back up at her, she didn't say anything, she just pulled me in for a warm embracing hug.
After a little chat, I headed upstairs to his room, holding myself together while I packed up my things. I slapped on the radio and Prince-Purple rain blared through the speaker. I know I shouldn't have but I grabbed my favourite shirt of his and stuffed it into my bag. I noticed his suitcase for the road was packed in the corner so I opened it, I seen his camera and got it out. placing it on his drawers, facing the lens towards me and clicking record, Just as the song changed to Dobie Gray- Drift away started playing.
"Hi, Jonny......I don't even know what I'm doing..." I was cut off when I burst out crying, I quickly composed myself and looked back into the camera "I came over to pack seeing as you're at Dave's and I peeked in your suitcase and saw your camera and so it led to this........well whatever this is" shrugging a little while letting out a shaky sigh. "It's.....It's not a goodbye message....That's not what this is and if you're watching this and thinking 'That's not Chrissie that's some homeless woman got in my suitcase' No, It actually is me....I just....I can't eat, I throw my food back up and my night terrors have came back so I haven't been sleepin----I can't believe I just told you that...Oh God, I haven't been thinking straight" shaking my head lightly "I stole one of your shirts as well, might help me sleep".
"I wanted you to know that I love you so much....and leaving you and running out was probably the hardest thing I've done....But I wasn't afraid to do it.......I really hope you fucking watch this.....I need you to know you hurt me and that I stand by my words, I shouldn't have to sit at home waiting for you and hearing nothing from you then you come home and don't talk to me then you're out on the road again.. ....God.....I saw myself marrying you and having your kids......In the future don't worry......and I still do.....But I don't know what the future holds.....Life sets you on this path and it already has your future planned out, doesn't matter what decisions you make, the outcome is the same....." My voice broke again when the tears welled up in my eyes, I sobbed out loud and looked down into my lap. I look back into the camera "My heart is yours.....Always...." I stand up and click the stop button.
I turn the camera off and I'm placing it back inside his suitcase when something catches my eye. I grab a hold of the familiar fabric and pull it out, I recognise it as my shirt straight away. I can't believe he packed my shirt to take with him, I started sobbing again, the tears streaming down my face. I squeeze it back in his suitcase and zip it back up. I grab my suitcase and head back downstairs, going through to see Carol before leaving "Hey....Could you do me a favour?" biting my lip a little nervously "Sure anything honey" nodding with a soft smile "Don't tell Jonny about the sleeping and eating....It'll only make it worse for him" , "I won't honey I promise" nodding in confirmation. I give her one last hug then head out the door with my suitcase, trailing it along the path behind me.
May 1985
It has been a month since I left Jon, I've started eating a little more but my sleeping is still pretty bad. Dave and Richie have been calling me every so often to check up on me but I told them not to tell Jon. We have pretty long conversations on the phone and I ask them about how the tour is going and they're enjoying themselves but some of the bands they're opening for are being a little difficult. Jon's also started dating an actress called Diane Lane which pissed me off but I'm getting on with my life and focusing on myself. I've been doing to odd ballet show in New York and going out drinking with Lizzie on a weekend. I'm actually still staying with Lizzie for now and I thought things were heading in the right direction until one night.
I was asleep in Lizzie's spare room, tossing and turning, my breathing gradually getting heavier. I started having a nightmare, a cold sweat running down my skin. In my nightmare I was drowning in this ocean that I had created from my own tears. I would try swimming to the surface for air and just as I was about to break through, a hand grabbed my ankle and dragged me back down. I tried to look down at who it was but all that was there was a mirror with my reflection in it. I started screaming as I looked at myself in the mirror, my muffled screams rippling through the ocean. Then I would wake up, gasping for air, a layer of cold sweat covering me head to toe.
I could almost never get back to sleep so I'd just end up getting ready and going for a walk. By the time I get back, the phone would usually ring. "Hello.." my voice soft and gentle "Hey Doll, How you doin?" I smiled instantly at hearing Richie's voice "Heyyy...I'm doing okay.." My voice sounding a little morbid as I trail off "Honey....Tell me the truth...How you doin?" Richie had such a big heart and cared about everyone. I let out a deep sigh "I'm slowly starting to eat again but I can't eat too much or I'll throw it up still and I'm still having night terrors so I have like 4 hours sleep then I'll just get up and go for a walk" , "What are your nightmares about?" He sounded quite concerned "It's always the same....I'm drowning in an ocean of my own tears and I try to swim up for air when someone drags me back down but when I see who it is all I can see is my own reflection" , "Geez, well I wish I could help ya kid" I laugh a little at his words "Thanks Rich....anyway, how's everyone doing, how's the tour going?", "Everyone is doin great, Lemma says Hey....The tour has been great so far, we're really making a name for ourselves.....The album hasn't done too well but the next album will do it.........and Jonny is great on stage but when we're on our own he's depressed" The last part totally shocked me "That's great Rich and he's Depressed? isn't he happy with his 'Girlfriend'" My voice a little bitter when saying that word. He let slip a small laugh "Chrissie you and I both know who Jon loves.....I don't honestly know why he's dating her.....I don't even think he knows truthfully..." , "He'll wake up one day and realise he's doing it all wrong" He added in.
We got carried away and ended up talking for at least an hour until I heard Jon's voice in the background. My heart nearly stopped for a minute "Hey Rich....Who ya talkin to?" He sounded a little off, like he wasn't himself. Richie hesitated for a moment "Oh just my mom..." I snickered down the phone to him "Oh tell her I said hey" Jon responded, a little perked up "Mom, Jonny says hi.." Richie shouting down the phone to me. I cleared my throat a little "Oh, How nice sweetie, Tell him I said How you doin sweet cheeks" Putting on an elderly motherly voice which caused Richie to burst out laughing. I have no idea what Richie's mother sounds like so I'm just doing a little jokey voice. "What she say?" Jon's voice muffled in the distance. "Yeah, sweetie tell Jonny what your mommy said" By this point Richie was in hysterics, nearly choking on his laughter "Rich, what did she say?" Jon getting a little agitated now. Richie cleared his throat and composed himself "She said How you doin sweet cheeks" Jon burst out laughing "Alright I gotta go now Ma....Love ya" ....."Goodbye Richie.....Enjoy the rest of your tour" I added in before putting the phone down. It was always really nice to hear from Richie and Dave But that was the first time I had heard Jon's voice since I left him and I managed to hold it together. After the call I went to town and done abit of shopping then pottered around the rest of the day.
September 1985
It had been 5 months since I left Jon and my sleeping is still pretty bad and my eating is slowly improving. On the other hand I've been getting on with life and enjoying myself. Today for instance I'm going to meet Carol for coffee. I roll out of bed and decide to start getting ready to meet her. Swinging open my suitcase and swimming through my crammed clothes. I throw on my mini check skirt, sweatshirt and converse.
A little while later, We are in the coffee shop, slurping on our steaming hot drinks. "So I got a call from Jonny" She hesitantly squeezes out her words but I could tell there was much more to come. I remain silent, simply nodding for her to continue "He told me to tell you he wants to talk.." A shaky sigh slipped from my lips as I look down at my swirling hot chocolate "I gotta tell you sweetie...He sounded pretty upset and really desperate to talk to you" Her eyes widened a little, making her words all the more serious. "Of course I want to talk to him.....Its just" The worry making it difficult to get my words out "Just what?" placing her hand on top of mine in comfort. "I don't think I'm ready for him to see it yet..." My eyes still on my coffee "See what?" Her brows furrowed together in confusion. "I left him a message....It's hidden in his suitcase" Her mouth dropped open in shock "Well....We've gotta tell him..". I quickly cut her off straight away "No....No you can't" shaking my head in worry. "He's my son Chrissie....I can't lie to him" Her eyes pleaded with me. "Alright.....But just tell him that I'm up for talking but I'm not ready to see my message yet.....But do not tell him where it is....Please....I will tell him...Just not yet". Her silence was torturous as she thought about my request "Alright.....I won't tell him where it is....On the condition that you tell him....You have to tell him Chrissie...". Giving my hand a light squeeze "I will...I give you my word" A gentle smile raising my lips.
I spent the rest of the day with Lizzie, we had drove over to New York and stayed there for a few days. I sang a few nights in the bar and we done quite a lot of shopping.
10th October 1985
I decided to stay with Lizzie instead of heading back to New York. At least I have company here whereas in New York I'd be completely alone. I've been keeping myself busy, distracting myself so I don't think too much about Jon, whenever his songs come on the radio I turn it over or just turn it off. Speaking of Jon, my feelings for him haven't changed, I love him so much but I'm getting on with my life. I also haven't forgotten about the recording I left him, tomorrow is the day he'll watch it but I'm not sure it'll actually do anything seeing he's already moved on with Diane Lane which only annoys me more, I'm not jealous I just can't believe he couldn't wait to move on. I'm currently at Lizzie's washing dishes when the phone rings, I quickly dry my hands down on my jeans and dart to the phone.
"Hello.." Warily speak into the phone, nobody ever calls for me here, I mean I did give Dave and Richie the number in case they ever wanted to call me from the road but that was it "Hey honey...How you doin" I smiled instantly when I heard Dave's voice. I sniffled a little and let out a laugh "Daveyy!! I miss you and I'm doing alright.... I can eat food now without throwing it up but my sleeping hasn't much improved since we last spoke....If I'm lucky I'll get about 4 hours.....Still get night terrors though" There was a moment silence "Geez, I'm sorry Chrissie....You still wearin his shirt to bed?" , "Yeah and it's helped a lot actually but it's not as good as the real thing but....well he made his choice I guess when he started dating Diane" my tone getting bitter as I trailed off "Well actually Chrissie.....He broke up with her....He hasn't been doin too good....He puts on a brave face for cameras and on stage but behind closed doors he's a wreck....He loves you....He misses you like crazy" His words shock me to my chore, I'm not sure what to say "Really?" My voice breaking a little as the tears begin to well up "Yeah really, Hey, I wouldn't lie to my favourite girl" He chuckles a little through his words "Hey, could you do me a favour and can you tell him to watch the tape in his camcorder....It's important....and call me again tomorrow as well to tell me what happened" I could almost see his confused expression "Sure....Is this the 'message' I've been hearing so much about?..", "Uhh yeah...It is" I add warily "You should have seen him when he first found out you left him a message, he tore his suitcase apart trying to find it and got real pissed when he didn't....He nearly kicked my ass when I walked in on him" He chuckled a little as he trailed off. "Oh My God, I'm sorry Dave....I shouldn't have left it so long....I just wasn't ready yet but I am now" , "I can't believe it was on his camera this whole time....He hasn't even touched it this whole tour" . We continued to chat for about half an hour on the phone, It was so good to hear his voice and talk to someone, I know I had Lizzie but Dave was my friend as well. After a while he had to go because they had a show to get to.
Christmas Day 1985
Christmas Day is always bitter sweet for me, It's the time to share with family but mine were torn from me. The past few years has been a little easier, seeing as I had Jon, his family and my dad to spend it with but this year I was completely alone. My dad couldn't make it down to New Jersey and I couldn't get to New York because the snow was so bad, so we had to settle for a phone call. I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, sighing unenthusiastically while the thoughts of having to get through today plague my mind. After about an hour of moping and feeling sorry for myself I decided to get ready and go to Jon's house. I know what you're thinking though, 'Why is she going to her exes house to spend Christmas Day with his family?'. But the truth is, they had become my family, I loved them all so much. I threw on my jeans, red jumper and suede winter coat along with my biker boots. Seeing Lizzie only lived 10 minutes away from them, I decided to walk over.
A few hours later and I'm back at Lizzie's, rolled up on the couch with a blanket just watching the warm fire crackle. Sipping and Slurping on my steaming hot chocolate whilst enjoying the silence. The blaring ring of the telephone vibrated rung through my mind, disturbing my silence. Thankfully the phone was right next to the sofa so I didn't have to get up. I grabbed the phone and connected it to my ear.
"Helloo.." My Voice soft and gentle.
"Heyy Chrissiee.....MERRYYY CHRISTMASSS!!! Dave shouting down the phone to me, My laugher echoed down the line to him.
"Heyy, Daveyy...Happy Hanukkah....How is everyone?"
"Everyone is doin good honey....We've got a show later, everyone is just in Richie's room gettin pumped up, I snuck away to call my favourite girl" I couldn't help but giggle, he always knows how to cheer me up.
"How's Jonny?" I know I left him but I still loved and cared for him.
There was a short pause "Y know, He's been doin a whole lot better since watching your recording" A smile slowly crept up on my lips which I tried so hard to shake off.
"Well that's good....He's not throwing you against the walls anymore?" Chuckling to myself as I trailed off
Dave burst out laughing "No.....He's nearly back to normal"
There was a pause while I soaked up his words, focusing in on one word in particular "Nearly?" I quizzed
"Yeah.....Still not totally himself....But I think talkin to you is gonna help" responding with a sigh
"Well I'm not saying, somethings gonna come of it but we do need to talk....We need to see if we're on the same wave length y know, he knows I'm not the kinda girl to put my life on pause....for anyone" Which I haven't, I certainly wasn't lying. Since I left him, I've kept myself busy with dancing, singing and seeing my friends. Sure it's been hard but I don't regret my decision.
"He knows that honey.....trust me he knows" I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not.
"Y know I don't regret it but.. I feel so stupid for the way I left, I just....I was just angry at him, I had to leave before I kicked his ass up and down the street for being a dick..." I heard a sigh slither down the line but it didn't sound like Dave. "Hey....Dave you sure you're alone?" Feeling a little concerned, I didn't want to be talking about Jon if he was secretly listening in. I would die of embarrassment.
"Hey...You're not stupid honey......And uhh...Yeah....It's just me....Why?" Biting my lip nervously "Oh....I thought I heard.....something.....Never mind" Shaking the thoughts from my head.
"Anyway...How's you're Christmas goin?" There it was, his light hearted, humorous tone which always made me smile.
"It's going great actually, I dropped in on Carol and John, sat with them for a few hours...Then came back and just sat around, watched some tv.." There was another deafening silence down the line.
"Uhh Lizzie not there with ya?..... Or your dad?" He sounded a little concerned.
"Ohh, No, she's went back home to spend it with her family and my dad can't make it down because it's been snowing pretty bad here" I hope to god he doesn't tell anyone I'm alone on Christmas Day, especially not Jon.
"Hey, I know Jonny wouldn't mind me saying this so why don't you go back to his and stay the night there, Nobody should be alone on Christmas day" Twirling the chord round my fingers while I think about his suggestion.
"Oh I dunno... I don't know if I could sleep in his room.. I haven't even stepped foot upstairs since I packed" Dave cut me off straight away
"You wouldn't have to, just stay on the sofa.... I've done it plenty times" Chuckling as he trails off
"Hmmm...I might.....Anyway...So you guys are nearly finished the tour right? So how did it go?" We continued talking for about an hour, Squeezing so much into our conversation as possible. After the call I finished off my hot chocolate and tried to talk myself out of going back to his parents house but in the end I decided to go over. We had such a fun day, playing games and drinking wine, But all I could think about was him getting home.