Epilogue will be divided into three part for three different timelines. Thank you for reaching this far!
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"Bro, sure na? Di ka sasama sa 'min?" pangungulit ni Stein sa 'kin.
They're planning to go to Boracay as our last senior year in high school just ended. They wanted to have a vacation. I can't, my family is in chaos right now.
Sa labas pa lang ay rinig ko na ang sigawan nila mama at papa.
Tss, every damn time.
Pagpasok ko ay parang hangin na dumaan lamang ako sa kanila. Hindi naman ganito dati, maayos naman kaming pamilya. Masaya. We were the perfect family you could ever imagine.
Pero nang nagsimulang umuwi ng late si Mama, lagi na silang nag-aaway. They fought a lot and it's not healthy anymore.
Walang pakialam na dumiretso ako sa kwarto at hindi na sila binati, hindi nga yata nila alam na nakauwi na ako.
Araw-araw, gabi-gabi, lagi silang nag-aaway, nakakarinindi na.
I decided to stay in the condo I bought. Binili ko 'yon dahil malapit sa eskwelahang pinapasukan ko ngunit hindi rin naman ako madalas doon dahil dito pa rin ako nakatira.
But then, I decided to stay there for my peace of mind.
"Babe!" Sheena's squeal greeted me after I answered Dwight's invitation for a video call.
Nakahiga ako sa kama ng condo ko at naghahanda na sanang matulog. I brushed my hair upward.
Kumakaway pa ito sa camera habang nasa likod ang mga lalaki. They're already on Boracay.
"Dude, super cool talaga here in Bora! Ba't kasi di ka sumama?!" tanong ni Dwight na halatang lasing na.
Kakarating pa lang nila pero umiinom agad sila roon?
Tss, says the one who drunk himself to sleep.
"Ma! Aalis ka?"
Naabutan ko siya na naglalagay ng mga damit sa dalawang maleta nang minsang umuwi ako sa amin.
Nilingon ko si papa na nag-iwas lamang ng tingin sa akin. What's happening?
Bumaling ako kay mama na patuloy ang pag-aayos ng gamit. I'm not stupid. I'm confused but I have an idea what all of this is about.
Sinubukan kong pigilan siya sa pag-iimpake ngunit mapilit siya. Hinawi niya ang mga nanginginig kong kamay na umaawat sa pagtutupi niya ng damit.
"Saan ka pupunta? Magtatagal ka ba ro'n?"
Alam ko. Alam ko ang ginagawa niya lalo na at hindi siya pinipigilan ni papa na nanonood lang sa amin habang namumula ang mga mata.
They fought a lot, but I never thought this time would come, the time that she will leave us.
Kinakabahan, mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa takot. Takot na iiwan na niya kami. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin, nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang sinusubukang pigilan siya.
Bakit kailangan mang-iwan? Konting problema lang aalis na siya? Hindi ko man alam ang dahilan niya ay pakiramdam ko ay tinatapon na lang niya kami.
Unti-unti, sumibol ang poot sa damdamin ko...
Inagaw ko ang mga damit na hawak niya at galit na galit na binato ito sa sahig.
"Ma!" I shouted.
I never raised my voice to my parents. I respect them so much. I even thought of pursuing engineering in college because I look up to her.
Mama's boy ako kung tawagin, they're not wrong. Ano naman? Lumaki ako sa alaga ni mama. Papa's always busy with business.
Mama's always present in my every achievement and milestone. My first debate in elementary, recognitions, graduations, try-outs in sports, elementary field trips, and everything.
Tinignan niya lang ako, nakangiti habang nakarehistro ang pagkabigo sa mukha. Hindi siya nagsalita. I smiled bitterly and let her pack her things.
I let go of her arm.
"The moment you step out of that door, you just stepped out of my life."
She halted. Yumuko siya ngunit hindi ako nilingon.
"Elle," she begged.
Pinasok ko ang kamay sa bulsa ng aking pantalon at kinuyom ang kamao. Why is this so damn unfair?
I smiled at her and nodded. Do what you fucking want. Kanina ko pa kinakalma ang sarili dahil ayoko makapag bitaw ng mga masasakit na salita.
She shook her head, "I'm sorry"
Tangina.
I laughed without humor as I watch her walk away from us.
It pained me, the person I love the most is slowly walking away from our life.
"'Wag mo na ring isipin na may anak ka pang babalikan dito." I walked away from them. I can't watch it.
Live your life without thinking about the son you neglected, Ma.
Simula noon, nagkulong lamang ako sa kwarto. I drowned myself with liquors. I distanced myself from the world and social life I used to have.
I disconnected with everyone and everything. I was scared. I was lost. I didn't know where to start again. I don't want to be attached to anyone to that extent.
Kaya habang maaga pa ay iniwasan ko na ang mga taong mahahalaga sa akin. Mas mabuti na siguro 'yon. Hindi na ko maiiwan kung ako ang unang aalis.
I saw my father one night, sipping tequila. Shot after shot. If I was hurt, I know it affected him more.
I witnessed how she love my mother passionately. I witnessed how he handle her and eventually... got tired of it.
"I know what you're thinking, son," he broke the silence.
Mapait itong ngumiti at tumingin sa kawalan.
"I'm a workaholic, I eat paperworks for breakfast and every damn meal. I'm doing that for our family. Habang nagtatrabaho pala ako ay napapalayo na ako sa inyo," malungkot na sambit nito.
He drunk from the shot glass. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.
"Habang pinupunan ko ang pangangailangan niyo ay lalo palang lumalaki ang pagkukulang ko sa inyo."
Nagsalin din ako ng alak sa baso at mabilisan itong tinungga. I closed my eyes as the bitterness and heat traveled through my throat.
"Pasensya na, a-anak. I worked so hard to make our family work, pero hindi pa rin pala sapat 'yon, babalik at babalik pa rin siya sa lalaking 'yon. Ano namang laban ko sa taong mahal niya?" His voice quivered. He broke down.
Napayuko ako. I know he's drunk but I can't seem to fully comprehend what he said.
Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang umiyak. I've known my father as a ruthless businessman. I never imagined him crying, most especially in front of me.
He's aware of his shortcomings. I thought all he just cares about is his company alone.
My hand trembled after another shot.
"I understand, pa. Let's just take a step forward and live our life to the fullest... even without her," I said trying to comfort him even though I'm also hurting.
They were never in love. I was never a product of love. Pero kahit ganoon ay hindi sila nagkulang sa pagiging magulang sa akin.
"I can't. I-I... I can't," he said painfully, now crying harder.
I know he's at his lowest point. He loves my mother over anything.
My grip to the glass I'm holding tightened. Nalaman kong ang lalaking tinutukoy niyang mahal ng aking ina ay may sariling pamilya na ngunit nitong nakaraan lang ay pumanaw ang asawa ng lalaki. Ilang araw lamang ang nagdaan ay lagi nang nahuhuli ng uwi si mama. Ilang beses siyang nahuli ni papa na kasama ang lalaking 'yon na pinag-uugatan lagi ng away.
"Promise me one thing, son. Don't hold a grudge to your mother. This is all my fault. Nagkulang ako. Hindi ko siya nabigyan ng sapat na atensiyon at alaga. Ako ang-"
"Enough of this already, Pa," I stopped him as I walked out of the house and drove away to my condo.
I don't want to listen to him blaming himself for all the things he doesn't have control of.
Nagkulang siya pero sapat na rason ba iyon para iwan kami ni mama?
Kung mahal n'ya talaga kami, walang rason ang magpapaalis sa kanya. Natawa ako. Hindi nga pala. Ang babaw ng rason niya para iwan ang pamilya niya at sumira ng pamilya ng iba. I won't understand. I will never understand love.
Love is bullshit. Love is selfish.
Araw-araw ay binibisita ko si papa para matignan kung ayos lang ba ang lagay niya. I spent my time looking out and listening to his breakdowns.
I was there to console him, to soothe, and calm him. Pero paano naman ako? Naasasaktan din ako. Nawalan din ako.
Who will assure me that in the end, everything's going to be alright? Who will comfort me every time I question myself? I didn't ask for those but deep inside me, I... need it.
I need someone.
But I cut everyone off my life. How hypocrite of me to seek for someone when it's me who pushed them away?
I didn't attend to my high school graduation and my first year in college was hell.
Leo, Stein, Dwight, and Sheena are trying to reconnect with me, but I don't have the courage to open myself to anyone again.
I lost myself. I lost both my parents. I lost my father the moment I lost my mother. I was lost in the path I was crossing.
Sinubsob ko ang sarili sa pag-aaral kahit hirap ako dahil nawalan ako ng interes sa kursong kinukuha ko. Nawalan ako ng gana sa babae, pampalakasang patimpalak, at pagpunta sa iba't ibang lugar tulad ng dati kong inaatupag.
Aral. Tulog. Aral. Tulog.
That was my routine. My life became gray and boring. I didn't care.
Simula nang mawala ang ilaw ng tahanan ay parang naging madilim ang buhay namin. I'm resentful but I know if she came back, I would still welcome her with open arms.
But when I heard the news, I was outrageous. I wanted to be violent so bad. How can she?
"Your mom just gave birth. She's inviting you to see her s-son," my father broke the news to me.
I gritted my teeth.
"I don't have a plan on seeing her again. If anything, s'ya ang lalapit sa akin para makita ako, not the other way around," I said as I excused myself from that conversation.
Wala pang isang taon ah? Hindi na nakatiis?
I punched myself real hard for that thought. That's your mother, asshole!
"Alam naming hindi ka sasama pero ayaw naman naming umalis ng hindi ka inaaya. We're going to Palawan. Carps?"
My friends stopped me, one time after a long hard quiz on our second year.
I looked at them waiting for them to say more. I don't even know if I can still call them my friends given the way I'm treating them.
Nilagpasan ko sila nang wala nang magsalita sa kanila.
"Elle," Leo called.
Napatigil ako sa paglalakad. I cringed. Stop calling me that. Hindi ako lumingon sa kanila.
"Alam namin kung anong pinagdaraanan mo ngayon. We're always here if you need someone to talk to."
Natawa ako. I just shook my head and left.
Every night, my companion was alcohol. Hindi ko na alam ang ginagawa ko, para akong nawalan ng direksyon sa buhay.
Pasang awa lahat ng grades ko pero kahit konting pagsisisi ay wala akong maramdaman. Hirap ako gumising tuwing umaga and I lack motivation to study. At this point, I don't really care anymore.
They were persistent and I hate it. Mas lalo silang naging makulit nang mag third year na kami. I can't believe I survived two years of engineering when I clearly have no interest in it.
Or maybe deep inside, I'm enjoying it.
Two years. Dalawang taon ko nang pinapatibay ang matayog na pader na tinayo kpo ara protektahan ang aking sarili sa mundo.
I just don't want to open myself anymore. Maybe it's prideful for some but it became my coping mechanism.
I shielded myself from people because I don't want to depend myself to anyone anymore. I've learned my lesson. Family, friends, love, nothing's gonna last.
Kung si papa hindi kinaya nang mawala si mama puwes hindi ako tutulad sa kanya. Hindi ko iaasa ang kasiyahan ko sa isang tao.
"Elle, review tayo?" aya ni Stein na umupo sa harap ko kahit hindi ko naman pinayagan.
"Kayo na lang," tamad na sagot ko.
Tumayo ako at umalis. May quiz kami mamaya pero wala akong gana mag-review. Bakit magrereview pa kung wala rin naman akong maiintindihan? Sayang oras.
Naglakad lang ako nang naglakad kung saan ako dadalhin ng mga paa. I stopped in front of a café, far from our building.
Lumingon ako sa pinanggalingan. Ganon kalayo na ang nalakad ko? I spaced out.
I shrugged. Well, here I am now, might as well try it. I pushed the glass door as I walk inside the café. It's my first time here.
Dumiretso ako sa counter para umorder ng inumin sa hindi pamilyar na menu.
"Good morning, sir. What can I get for you?" A morena girl my age smiled politely.
"Can I get a venti cold brew with two pumps cinnamon dolce, two pumps vanilla and uh... oat milk," I said as I get my card in my wallet.
"Anything else, sir?"
"That would be all."
She accepted my card and told me to wait until she calls my name.
Luminga-linga ako para humanap ng bakanteng lamesa ngunit puno na lahat.
Habang ginagala ko ang mga mata ay napukaw ang atensyon ko ng isang babaeng nakaupo sa isang lamesang nasa gilid ng glass wall habang nagtitipa sa telepono.
Her smile captivated my eyes. Unconsciously, and for the first time in a while, I smiled too.
My heart skipped a beat.
Damn, I'm in trouble.