OUR LOVE WILL BE REMEMBERED...
Chapter 20
It’s was right after Maria’s death that I started to have the dream. Looking back, I assume I could say I was already starting to develop a conscience of some sort. Even though I was convincing myself that my actions weren’t wrong and immoral, deep down, a part of me, one I had no control over was slowly, very slowly, trying to make me believe the opposite.
This was something I obviously had never expected to feel; like what I was doing wasn’t always the right thing, but looking back I had already questioned myself before, whether it was the right time or not. Maria’s death wasn’t the first one I questioned myself about.
But it was indeed after hers that the nightmares I just mentioned started.
Maria was in it, of course, to remind me of my sins. She would stand right before me, her ebony hair cascading around her soft figure. And she had the wings of an angel and she would ask me “Why?”
Why had I done it? Because it was the right thing to do, the only thing I really knew how to do. Because she had given me her heart and her soul. Because loving me was destroying her and I had saved her from me in the end. She could have her eternity.
And I tried to explain it to her, tell her why “I wanted our love to be worth remembering, I wanted to keep it pure” but then all the women I had killed would stand before me, with Maria and my words seemed futile in front of them all, angels and pure.
They all looked at me, their eyes, not full of hatred but full of sadness and incomprehension. I would have understood hatred, it would have been easier to deal with hatred but their sad faces they crushed me. I could see it in their eyes, the words they wanted to say.
“How could you?”
“Why?”
“I loved you”
“More time, all we needed was more time”
“Why?”
“Why, why why?”
I was speechless.
I knew what I had done, and I still believed that what I had done the right thing for our love, that I had saved our love from being tainted. But seeing them, seeing their faces, as they looked at me and looked around themselves at the others after or before them… I had never imagined living this.
And all I could do was stand there, stand in front of those women I had loved, those women that were my whole existence, those women that had given meaning to my life, those women I had taken away from their lives, stand there and watch them helplessly.
In front of them, of their hurt faces, there was no reason that could explain what I had done to them. And it haunted me.
They haunted me.
They haunt me.