"what?" my mom catches me staring at her. "nothing." i go back to doing my homework. "what's up bug?" she puts her glasses on and sits back in her chair smiling. i bite the inside of my cheek, wondering if i should even say what i was going to say.
"do you love dad?" i put my pencil down. we've had this conversation before. "of course i love your dad." she sort of frowns. maybe i should stop.
"but you don't love him enough to be with him?" i accidentally let out. her eyebrows raises. "i love him too much to be with him." she says and this time i frown. "that doesn't even make sense." i say in a sort of sassy way. "no i guess it doesn't. where is this coming from?" i pick my pencil back up ignoring her question.
"maddy?" she's more persistent. "you guys are just confusing!" i drop my pencil and cross my arms. i didn't want the tone of this conversation to be like this but it happened anyways. "elaborate." now she crosses her arms. i try so hard to keep my mouth shut.
the door opens and my dad comes in with jacob. they drop their basketballs and stare at us. "wrong timing?" dad says making my tense face relax. i wave at him. "no, perfect actually. maddy was just talking about how we're confusing." mom gestures towards me.
"you are! you're going to tell me that i'm wrong?" i need to shut my mouth. "i'll be in your room." jacob runs upstairs. "okay. let's relax." dad comes and sits next to my mom at the table.
now i feel like i'm being interrogated. "i am relaxed." i go back to crossing my arms. i'm anything but relaxed. "is there anything else you'd like to get off your chest now that your father is here?" she looks at me. actually, yes.
i look at them both. who to go off on first?
"you said that dad living here would make things better but it's not. it's worse. you guys act like you're divorced and you're not even married- or together in the first place. why do you guys act like you're better off not being together when clearly you are? one day you're kissing and acting like we're this normal, cool family and the next it's like we're a broken family. i don't get it, you guys are supposed to be the adults. i don't care if you guys don't want to be together, just stop giving me false hope and acting like things are going to be okay when they aren't!" i pack up my homework and run upstairs.
i semi slam my door and start to cry. "oh shit." jacob comes up to me and hugs me. i honestly forgot he was here.
"it's okay." he caresses my back and hair. my sadness turns to anger. "ugh get off me, stop being weird." i push him a little harder than i anticipated. "ouch. i was just trying to help calm you down." he says a little offended. "why were you touching my back like that?" i hit the wall and slide down to the floor. "because that's what people do when they comfort somebody crying!" he throws his hands up.
maybe i'm making this up. maybe he doesn't like me and is just trying to be my friend. "sorry." i wipe my face feeling a little embarrassed. "it's fine." he sits next to me and says nothing else.
i calm down and just stare at my room. "do you want to play basketball?" he asks and i look at him and smile. "sure."
☀︎☀︎☀︎
"not bad for a... nevermind." he shuts up when i stare at him. we sit down in the grass and drink water. i loved this park. my mom took me here all the time when i was a kid.
"that bench over there is where my mom met mason." i tell jacob although i'm not sure why. it was just on my mind. he looks and nods. "do you wish mason was here?" he asks.
"all the time. he's my best friend." i pick at the grass. i really did miss him, so much. i think i'll facetime him later today.
"why did you get so mad earlier when i hugged you?" he asks. i look at him. "because i thought you were being... i don't know... flirty?" i'm honest. "flirty? you thought me comforting you when you were crying is flirting?" he laughs.
i feel embarrassed. "shut up." i look away. "when i tell you that you look beautiful, i'm flirting. when i tell you that i like what you're wearing, i'm flirting." i look at him getting nervous. "why are you flirting with me jacob?" i ask in a mocking tone.
"because i like you." he says confidently making me freeze. the smile i had faded.
because i like you.
what does that even mean? how could he like me? how does he even know what liking someone feels like? i don't. i'm new to this whole puberty, weird feelings thing.
i was panicking on the inside. "so they were right." i look away being to scared to look in his eyes. "who were right?" he asks. i could feel his eyes on me. "ella and zoë. they think you like me... apparently they were right."
"they do? do i make it that obvious?" he sounds like he's asking himself. i laugh and continue to play with the grass. he's a little quiet. i feel him about to ask me a question.
"do you like me?"
of course he asks that.
"i don't even know what that means. i'm barely even figuring out what that looks like. liking someone."
liking someone as in my mom likes parker. or my mom liking mason? or how grandpa loves grandma. love. my parents say they love each other but have a very funny way of showing it.
"you don't have any crushes?" he asks. "celebrity ones but that doesn't count. i don't like anyone in the real world i don't think." we make eye contact and he nods.
"i don't want to love anyone. it seems hard and very... difficult." i say and jacob makes a face. "what? you're crazy. i think love is beautiful." i smile. sappy.
"what do you know about love?" i shake my head. "i've seen it and maybe i don't know anything about love but i do know it's possible. i know i like you."
again with the eye contact. we keep it for a few seconds before i laugh. "please don't make this into one of those movie moments where you lean in and kiss me."
"why not? that's exactly what i was going to do." he laughs.
i laugh.
"because i don't want to kiss you." i smirk.
"you don't?" he looks interested. "no i don't." i stand my ground. "why not?" he asks looking at me with those green eyes. i look at his face... his hair... his smile.
oh no.
"because... because..." he starts to smile big.
"because i don't like you." i say fast. ha!
"yet." he lays down in the grass with his arms behind his head.
he is kind of cute.
wait what?
oh no. please no!
my brain is going crazy. so many feelings at once.
"i don't want to because i don't know how."
i confess.
mayday mayday mayday!
i'm starting to talk without thinking. i'm going to get myself in trouble.
this makes him sit up. "i can teach you. i've seen it in hundreds of movies, it's easy."
abort abort abort!
look what you did!
well he actually is really cute.
what?!?!?
"um... i don't know." i freak out when he scoots closer to me. my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest. i'm super nervous right now.
"the guy usually goes like this..." jacob puts his hand on my cheek... like they do in the movies.
there's an emergency alarm sound going off in my head. my mind is racing and this feeling is different.
i feel like i could throw up. in the best way.
"and the guy leans in this way." he tilts his head and goes forward.
this is it! first kiss! my first kiss!
he closes his eyes so i do too.
when our lips touch i kiss him.
it lasts for five seconds before we kiss again.
i pull away after that.
fireworks now go off in my head.
"woah." he says smiling too hard.
"that was cool." i say.
just like the movies... less sloppier though. nice and quick.
"can i kiss you again?" he asks. "sure." i say happy he asked.
we kiss a few more times until i feel weird. "we should probably go back." i say getting up. "yeah we should." he says picking up the basketball.
"this stays between us right?" jacob asks. "duh. let's shake on it." i propose. "cool." he says and we shake hands.
"now what?"