"if we make it through december, we'll be fine ... if we make it through december, we'll be fine." ~ Phoebe Bridgers
~december 1971~ (christmas special part 5 of 5)
Christmas morning was a grim affair for everyone involved that year. Jane was still positively livid over her children running away from her in the middle of a large city, and Artemis and Percy were bitter about not getting their annual trip to the museum. It was the first year they hadn't done it, and they blamed their mother for inviting her boyfriend in the first place.
As Artemis sat on the floor in front of the couch Percy was occupying and opened her presents, she couldn't get her mother's words from the night before out of her head. Jane had been more angry than Artemis had ever seen her as they drove home from the museum, but Artemis couldn't help but feel slightly gratified that her date with Alfie had been cut short. All the gratification had gone away, though, the second Jane had said the words, "I will most certainly be reconsidering my decision to not send you to your Aunt and Uncle's next summer." At this, Artemis felt her blood run cold. She hated her aunt and uncle's house. The Goyle mansion was dark and scary and filled to the brim with old dark magic artifacts that visitors had to constantly worry about breaking. Artemis shuddered just thinking about it.
"I know it's not much," Jane said quietly from next to the tree, watching intently as her children unwrapped their gifts. "And you can hate me for it all you want... I know I've been a bad mother." Her voice cracked and Artemis stared determinedly at the new socks she'd unwrapped, trying not to compare the gift to the expensive books and toys and clothes she used to get when her dad was alive.
"We don't hate you, Mum," said Percy, an edge to his voice. "We know things have been tight since Dad died." Jane pursed her lips.
"And you're not a bad mum," Artemis said, more to get her mother to stop crying than anything. It didn't work. Jane buried her face in her hands and wept as Artemis and Percy exchanged a helpless look. Artemis was the first to make her way across the floor to put an arm around her mum's shoulders. "It's- um- it's alright..." She widened her eyes at Percy, who shrugged and slowly picked up his next present.
"Awww, Artie," Jane said affectionately through her tears.
"Mum, let's just have breakfast or something," Artemis said hopelessly. She glanced back up at Percy, but he was carefully looking anywhere but at her. Artemis never knew quite how to deal with crying people. She cared, she just didn't know what the right things to say were. It left her with a helpless and vaguely panicked feeling that she absolutely hated.
Jane pulled her face out of her hands to look tearfully at her children. Her expression had changed completely from the affection of a few seconds before. "That's all I am to you, isn't it?" she said in a hurt and slightly scolding voice. "Just someone to feed you..."
"Well, you are our mother," said Percy, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards before he forced his face to become emotionless again.
Artemis widened her eyes warningly at him and continued patting her mum's back. "Of course you're not," she said soothingly. "Um-" She was at a loss for what else to say.
"Don't you like your presents?" Jane asked Percy, who was gazing almost forlornly at the shampoo he'd just unwrapped. Artemis was glad the attention was off of her, but fidgeted at the thought of what harmful thing Percy might say. He was even worse than her at being sympathetic.
"I- ah-" Percy stammered. "Yeah, Mum. It's great."
Jane rose to her feet, brushing Artemis away from her. "You're both so ungrateful, you know that?" She said it more like she was genuinely asking than accusing. "I mean, I know we're all struggling since your dad died, but- but I lost my husband." The tears came again, choking Jane's voice. "The love of my life. And- and you're upset that you didn't get as many presents as usual?"
"No," Percy said hotly, standing up. "I'm upset that you got me shampoo of all things, when you know they have it at school already, and I'm upset that you got me the mint scent when you have to know by now that the smell of mint makes me want to throw up, and I'm upset that Dad's not here anymore and that you blame me for everything and that you couldn't give Art the one thing she wanted this break yesterday."
He went silent, breathing hard and blinking back tears. Jane stared at him. "And what- was that- exactly?" she asked at last, her voice hushed. "To run off on her own in the city? With only you to protect her?" She spat out the word 'you' with such vehemence, Artemis flinched.
Percy's lip quivered and he screwed up his face to get it to stop. "All she wanted," he managed to say through gritted teeth, "was a normal day with her family. Her family, not including some guy neither of us know or care about."
"Alfie-" Jane said harshly, "is family now. You'd know that if you bothered to come home every once in awhile."
Artemis looked back and forth between her mum and her brother, at a complete loss for what to do. At that moment, however, the doorbell rang and everybody jumped. "I'll get it," Artemis said, glad for the excuse to leave the tension-filled room. She hurried out into the hall and wrenched open the door, wondering who could possibly be visiting on Christmas Day. When she saw the tall figure of Alfie standing on the doorstep holding a bouquet of flowers, her heart sank.
"Hello there," Alfie said in a soft, tentative voice. Artemis had half a mind to slam the door in his face, but then she hesitated. There was something about Alfie's freckled face, or the way his eyes were a such a soft powder blue, or the way he stood slightly slouched so his full height wouldn't be intimidating, that made Artemis rethink the way she'd felt towards him all this time. Percy had kept railing against him, insisting that Alfie was the last their family needed, but he seemed nice enough. "Um- your mother invited me today," Alfie said, looking rather awkward under the piercing stare of his girlfriend's eleven year old daughter. "Ah, if that's alright..."
"Yeah," Artemis said at last, stepping away from the door. "Yeah, come on in." She closed the door quickly behind Alfie and shivered slightly at the cold air filling the hall. It didn't make much of a difference in the already freezing house, but all the same, Artemis pulled her sweater tighter around herself.
Alfie shivered too and cast a confused look around. "D'you have a fireplace?" he asked at last. "I could help you make a fire."
"In the living room," said Artemis, already leading him into the little side room where Percy and Jane were still facing each other with stony expressions.
As soon as Jane spotted Alfie, her entire face lit up in a smile and she ran to throw her arms around him. Artemis tilted her head at the scene. Her mother had never even acted like this with Artemis's father, who had been much more subtle. "Here, come sit over here," Jane said, dragging Alfie to the couch Percy had been occupying minutes earlier. "We were just opening presents, weren't we?" She reached out to put an arm around Artemis and gave Percy a warm smile. Percy merely shrugged and took a seat in the armchair on the other side of the room, staring defiantly at the floor.
Artemis, however, pulled herself out of her mother's grasp and glared up at her. "Wait, so everything's just fine now?" she said, half in wonder and half in voice-shaking rage. "Now that he's here, you're not mad at us anymore and we're just some happy family, and-" she broke off, quickly fighting down the lump in her throat.
Jane's expression towards her daughter softened immediately. She knelt down on the floor so she was at eye-level with Artemis and took her hand gently. "Honey, we're always a happy family. I know we have our fights sometimes, but- especially since your Dad passed- it's especially important not to get unreasonably angry with each other." She stood up again and shared a smile with Alfie, who looked slightly uncomfortable and mildly confused. "Now, let's all just forgive each other and have a nice Christmas."
Artemis narrowed her eyes, not completely convinced. "So you won't send us to Uncle Greg's?"
"Oh- well-" Jane bit down on her lower lip and her eyes filled with tears again. "Money's just been so tight ever since-"
"Stop it!" said Artemis, her voice cracking, "That's not a real answer! Stop using Daddy dying as and excuse for everything! Ugh- I just want to go back to school-" She screwed up her face and ran out of the room, pounding up the stairs and not stopping until her face was buried in the pillow of her bed.
~
When the memory reappeared, Artemis's room was considerably darker and Harry could see a handful of stars twinkling outside. Artemis was sitting on her bed, scanning the pages of a book about Monet's gardens but not seeming to really be focused on them. One foot was resting on the wood of the frame of the bed and kept tapping, shaking the entire mattress. The hand that wasn't holding the book kept twisting the hem of her shirt, which she'd changed since the last memory. All in all, Harry would've assumed he was looking in on a different night altogether if it weren't for the tear stains on Artemis's face and the distinct feeling of unresolved tension in the house.
Artemis jumped as someone knocked softly on the door, but she recovered quickly, steeling her expression and calming the tapping of her foot. "Come in."
"Hey..." Percy said, pushing the door open and closing it softly behind him. He was holding a plate of food and he crossed the room to sit next to Artemis on her bed and hand it to her. "You okay?"
Artemis nodded, but took the food gratefully. "'Course I'm okay. How's Mum?"
"Cried for a few minutes after you stormed out," Percy said with a shrug. "But she recovered pretty fast." Harry noticed that Artemis's expression didn't change once as Percy told her this. She looked like she was actively fighting down any emotion in an attempt to seem stronger. Percy seemed to notice this too, but didn't know exactly what to do about it. "I actually wanted to talk to you alone anyways. You know, before we go back to school."
"You mean before you go back to pretending I don't exist," Artemis said with a reproachful scowl.
Percy shifted uncomfortably. "Well- that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." Artemis looked curious, so he continued. "It's not that I want to ignore you, you know? It's about survival, Art. See, you don't know this yet, but at Hogwarts, everyone makes a sort of... chosen family. You spend so much time with these people, they know you inside out. Thing is... my friends think I'm a pureblood."
"What?" Artemis's eyes widened in shock.
"It's not a lie," Percy said quickly. "I am a pureblood. My real mum's a witch, whoever she is. Remember when Mum and Dad told us that?"
Artemis nodded slowly. "Daddy said it was a mistake."
"Yeah... whatever." Percy gave his head a hard shake. "Anyways, they think I'm a Goyle through and through. If they thought I had a little half-blood sister... one in Gryffindor of all places-"
"If they're your real friends, they wouldn't think any less of you for it," Artemis said confidently.
Percy's mouth twitched slightly and he shook his head. "That's not how it works, Art. It's all about blending in. But anyways, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think that if we just pretended to not be related, we could talk sometimes."
"What?" Artemis said again, looking horror-struck.
"No, no, it's not as bad as it sounds. Just hear me out." Percy was starting to look sort of excited at the idea. "Before I went to school, Dad agreed to change my name on all the rosters to Goyle. As far as anybody there is concerned, I'm Percy Goyle. You, on the other hand-" he gestured grandly at Artemis, who was still scarfing her food down, "-you're Artemis Blake. We have no relation whatsoever. At least as far as the teachers are concerned, I mean I know Dumbledore and McGonagall know, but they can't spoil it. Anyways, as long as we act like we're not siblings, we can stay friends and both our reputations can be saved." His eyes were gleaming like it was some brilliant plan, but Artemis looked unimpressed.
"Perc, my reputation doesn't need to be saved. Nobody would care if I told them I have a Slytherin brother. They know I'm a half-blood."
Percy quirked an eyebrow at her. "Really?" he said knowingly. "Then tell me, Art, have you told your little friends we're related? All those Gryffindor first-years you run around with- do they know you're actually a Goyle? Does Sirius Black know you're part of a purebl-"
"Sirius Black is not my friend," Artemis said angrily. "But- but no. I haven't told them."
"Exactly." Percy looked satisfied, then he lowered his voice. "Speaking of which... you've got to watch out for which friends you're choosing to... associate with."
Artemis's eyes widened. "What d'you mean?"
"I mean," Percy said with a pained look, "I've seen some of the people you've been hanging out with. And you've just got to be careful. James Potter, for instance-"
"I'm not even really friends with him. Lily and Marlene hate him, so I'm not exactly supposed to talk to him."
Percy raised his eyebrows again. "Could've fooled me. Anyways, he's trouble. He's always picking on some of the younger kids in my house. And Sirius Black is a traitor, everybody knows that." Artemis opened her mouth to retort, but then fell silent. A horrible thought had struck her. Was she a traitor? A real life blood-traitor? She almost asked Percy, but he was on a tangent now. "And Remus Lupin... I mean, he's just weird. There's something wrong with him. Pettigrew too. Everybody hates Pettigrew, and they'll hate you too if you become friends with him. I dunno much about the girls you hang out with, but they can't be much better. That first year, Severus, is always talking about Evans- the redhead. I know you're friends with her."
"Severus and Lily are friends!" Artemis said, pinching her arm to force herself to ignore the comments on Remus and Peter.
Percy rolled his eyes. "I know they're friends, but you've got to admit, she's a bit insufferable sometimes." Artemis stayed silent. "And McKinnon must be annoying, all her brothers are. And that other girl- the one who never talks?"
"Mary."
"Yeah, what's up with her?"
"She's nice."
"See, that's exactly what I'm talking about," Percy said heatedly. "You think everyone who's nice is someone you should be hanging out with- but they can't do anything for you. If you go with what I'm saying and hang out with me and my friends at school instead of- them, you'll actually go places, Art. Just because you got in Gryffindor, doesn't mean Slytherin can't still help you."
Artemis was silent for a long time, staring at her now-empty plate. "So..." she said slowly, "you want me to stop talking to my friends?"
"It's not that hard. Just distance yourself and we'll look out for you."
"I- ahhh-" Artemis felt like she was being pulled apart by the conflict. She had to choose between her friends and her brother, and she couldn't decide which she was more loyal to. "They're my friends, Perc."
"And you're going to choose them over the family legacy?" Percy scoffed. "Well-" He stood up and crossed the room, "-guess that's your decision."
"Percy, wait!" Artemis sprang off her bed and followed him. Percy turned around to face her. "I'll- ah- I'll think about it."
"Whatever you want." And with a shrug, Percy disappeared down the hallway.
As soon as she closed the door after Percy, Harry watched as the strength in Artemis's angry gaze faded to a look of pure helplessness. She backed onto her bed and sat down on the mattress, staring at the wall with empty eyes. Then, her breath hitched slightly and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Harry felt his chest constrict as she buried her face in her hands and her shoulders quivered slightly, the still, quiet winter night now shattered with the tiny sobs of a girl who had just had the worst Christmas of her life.
~
Artemis skipped the back to school feast the day after Christmas break ended. She wasn't feeling up to seeing or talking to anybody. The rest of her break had passed relatively similar to Christmas day and by the time it was over, Artemis was exhausted. She'd done everything in her power to stop arguments, reason with her brother, and come to terms with her mother's new relationship, but it all only made her tired. She'd been hoping to just sit with Remus on the train ride back to Hogwarts, the same way she did on their first day, but she'd wound up in a compartment by herself. She'd watched Remus get pulled away by James, Sirius, and Peter from the other side of the platform, and then boarded the train herself as quickly as possible to avoid Marlene, Lily, and Mary. She didn't want to talk to them yet. It wasn't that she'd agreed with Percy's proposition, but she couldn't get his words out of her head. "They can't do anything for you..." over, and over, and over again.
When they reached the school, Artemis kept her head down and slipped through the masses of students traveling to the Great Hall for a late-evening feast. She spotted Lily and Marlene arm in arm, laughing over some hilarious joke, and saw Mary talking to Peter and Remus a few feet back. James and Sirius were nowhere in sight, but she figured they couldn't be far off, probably playing some prank or making trouble somehow.
Artemis tore her eyes from her friends and made a hard left, taking the stairs up to Gryffindor tower two at a time. "Devil's snare," she murmured to the Fat Lady.
"Hm." The portrait hole swung open and Artemis climbed into the empty Gryffindor common room. Or, at least, the mostly empty common room.
"Sirius?" Artemis said, taking a step towards the back of the curly dark-haired boy who had just been about to take the steps up to the boys dormitory.
Sirius jumped and whirled around, his eyes wild. Artemis was taken aback as she saw the dark bruise spreading over Sirius's right eye. "Ahhh- hey, Artemis," Sirius said with a forced smile that looked more like a grimace. "What're you doing up here?"
"What are you doing up here? And what happened to your face?" She took a step forward to get a better look at the bruise, but froze when Sirius flinched slightly. Her expression softened immediately and she stepped back. "You okay?"
"What do you care?" Sirius snapped, his forced smile fading into a sneer. "We're not even friends- why don't you go bother Peter or something?" For the first time, Artemis didn't have a comeback. She didn't even look angry. To Sirius's surprise, she merely stared at the floor and blinked hard, her hands twisting together nervously. They were both silent for a long time, and then Sirius took a small step towards her, now looking more concerned than anything else. "Art?"
"Yeah, sorry," she said in a hushed voice. "I'm just going to- go to bed... or something."
Sirius tilted his head to try and see Artemis's face. He'd never seen her cry before, and quite honestly, it didn't seem like something that could happen. "Hey," he said, not really sure how to comfort her, "you okay?"
Artemis quickly swiped at her eyes and raised her head to look at him. "Yeah, I'm fine. You?"
Sirius almost answered with the same thing, but couldn't even bring himself to say the words. Christmas break had been so incredibly terrible, he didn't feel like he'd ever be 'fine' again. He took a deep breath, bit the inside of his cheek, and then sighed, still at a loss for how to answer her. "Just- get some sleep, Blake. I'll see you in the morning."
To his relief, Artemis didn't push the matter. She gave him a tired sort of smile that didn't travel to her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, half-hugging herself. "Yeah. Yeah, you get some sleep too. And maybe put some dittany on that eye, I heard it can help."
"Goodnight, Art."
"Goodnight, Sirius."