Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
To be with you - Mr. Big
****
We were all sat round the lunch table like normal but today's focus was on me.
I wasn't really all too big on being the centre of attention so this wasn't ideal.
"Oh please tell us how it happened!" Kayleigh begged.
"Seriously Elodie you can't give us news like that and then just clam up." Niall persisted, honestly it was unnatural how much that boy liked to gossip.
"Fine, I'll tell you." It had been around 10 minutes now of them all trying to ask me questions and find out how it happened.
"Oh thank god for that." Marnie rolled her eyes into the back of her head.
It was very obvious when we started talking she wasn't at all interested.
"Shut up Marnie, let the girl talk. Don't pretend you don't want to know." Hope complained to Marnie.
"I don't want to know." Marnie
"Ignore her Elodie, tell us." Zayn said, he was sat next to Marnie and I could see him nudge her thigh under the table.
She didn't try to fight me after that.
It was nice to know someone had that kind of impact on Marnie, I couldn't quite work out why nobody ever mentioned whatever went on between her and Zayn.
Sometimes I found myself wanting to ask but then maybe it was best if I didn't, that was if I wanted to keep all my fingers.
Which I did really, they were quite useful.
As I went to open my mouth and start explaining a noise at the end of the table distracted me.
Harry put his bag down and slumped into the chair furthest from me.
"Alright mate, you haven't sat with us in a while." Liam said, he was sat closest to where Harry had just sat down.
"Yeah I'm alright thanks." Harry replied, he didn't look at me or even acknowledge the fact we hadn't spoken since the party.
"Go on Elodie, I'll die if i've got to wait any longer." Kayleigh grabbed my wrist and looked at me pleadingly.
"Well it just sort of happened last night, I promise it's not all that interesting." I was now seriously trying to down play what they all wanted me to tell them.
"What isn't?" The voice from the opposite end of the table spoke.
I immediately shook my head and couldn't look to face him, "Nothing." I tried to say but it came out as more of a strained whisper. He probably didn't even hear it.
"Haven't you heard?" Kayleigh began, "James asked Elodie to be his girlfriend!" She sounded overcome with joy.
There wasn't any form of response so I looked up to meet his eyes.
"I see." His words gave away nothing. They didn't say whether or not he cared, just that he was learning some new information.
But his eyes.
They seemed almost sad, if I was reading into it I'd almost say it was something he could see coming but not something he was happy about.
I knew out of everyone I'd receive the least amount of support from H, but I thought maybe he'd give me a bit more than 'I see'.
"So..." Hope stretched out the O at the end of her word looking back at me, the states were away from Harry now and back at me.
But I was still looking at him.
And he was still looking at me.
"Well I mean he just took me on a date and asked me out." I was really, seriously down playing the whole situation now, there was no way I could go into intense details.
Not that I was really sure why.
Harry had nothing to do with mine and James' relationship.
Nothing at all.
"Come on Elodie, I asked for details!" It was like drawing blood out of a stone but Kayleigh was always persistent.
It's not like I could keep stringing it out, "He picked me up and took me to the beach, we just ate some nice food he packed and he asked me to be his girlfriend."
I wasn't exactly lying, that was exactly what happened.
It wasn't overly romantic but I'm glad it wasn't, that's not really my thing.
And I wanted to be his girlfriend, we've practically been inseparable for two months now. Why wouldn't I want that?
"He sounds so romantic and lovely. Was it everything you wanted?" Kayleigh asked, Hope and Marnie weren't quite the same as Kayleigh. They appreciated a good story and gossip but they weren't hopeless romantics.
I hesitated; Harry scoffed.
"Erm, yeah it was." I didn't sound entirely convincing but I was nervous, I was being watched.
"Well, I think you two are perfect for each other." Liam said.
I smiled at him, "Thanks Li."
"Yeah, congrats Elodie, I was hoping this would happen." Niall added in.
There were murmurs across the table of sweet words all congratulating me, I think they all knew it was coming.
Nothing from Harry.
Liam nudged him as if he was silently asking him to say something.
"Happy for you Elodie." His hand slammed down on the table in front of him as he stood up abruptly.
He never called me Elodie.
"Thanks." I whispered.
He didn't mean what he said, neither did I.
Harry reached for his bag under the table and started to make a move, he was leaving.
"Going already? You've just got here..." Louis directed his question at Harry.
"Sorry, just remembered I have something to do."
Liar.
"Oh okay." Louis sounded a bit concerned but nobody was brave enough to ask any more questions, let alone stop Harry.
He took his belongings and left the lunch table taking the exit that led to the bleachers.
After I'd seen him go there once, I worked out that he actually went there quite often.
Normally to smoke but I think sometimes he just went so he didn't have to speak to anybody else.
Everyone went back to the regular lunch chat, nobody asked me anything else about James. I was silently grateful for that, there was only so much I could take.
I couldn't stop thinking about going after Harry.
I knew I shouldn't.
There was no need.
But I wanted to.
I needed to know why he just got up and left.
It was obviously because of me and what I said.
Even if no one else noticed or thought that, I did.
I think I knew him better than he thought.
"I'm just gonna go to the rest room, I'll see you later." I directed it at the whole table and was greeted with nods and hums.
All in all I managed to slip away without any suspicion raised, I'd left it long enough that it wasn't obvious what I was going to do.
I took the same exit Harry did and strolled straight over to the bleachers we'd been under a few weeks ago.
It suddenly hit me that I hadn't actually spoken to him properly since then.
Between us we'd done our upmost to avoid or ignore each other apart from our short interaction at the party.
Going after him wasn't something I'd normally even consider but today felt different. Like I had to justify my actions for some reason.
Even though Harry basically wanted nothing to do with me, I had to talk to him.
And I wasn't entirely sure he'd even acknowledge my existence.
As I walked across the open field I spotted him, cigarette in his mouth, his hands running through his deep chocolate curls.
I approached him from behind, it wasn't that I intended to catch him off guard but it was helpful that he wouldn't just run off before i'd even got to say hello.
"Harry?" I spoke softly as I tapped on the shoulder.
I almost felt embarrassed and was overwhelmed with the feeling of regret.
Why did I think it was a good idea to follow him?
He jumped slightly at my touch but turned around to face me.
"Yes." There was nothing sweet about what he said, maybe he didn't care after all.
Was I really that dramatic?
I stumbled over my words, not sure what to say to him. "I erm... I just... I wondered why you got up so suddenly and left the lunch table? You'd only just sat down to join us."
A flash of realisation washed over him.
I don't think Harry was used to people noticing things like that about him.
He was very good at blending into the shadows, falling under the radar.
Yes, lots of girls took notice off him and heads turned wherever he went but that didn't stop him from managing to hide in plain sight.
I found myself being almost in awe of it at times, I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.
People just stared at me, but not in a pleasant way.
"Does it matter?" He was blunt.
It wasn't that I wanted to be confrontational but he didn't get to just speak to me like I was a piece of dirt.
"Yes H, it matters. You only left when the girls started asking about me and James."
"Wow!" He scoffed and scrunched up his nose.
"What?" Now I was confused.
"It only took you three whole minutes to mention him."
"Who James? You know that's why you stormed off how could I not bring him up!" Of course I knew that's why he was angry but I didn't know he was going to be that sensitive about it.
"You two are perfect for one another. Both self absorbed and thoughtless, only concerned for yourself." He was starting to get seriously angry.
"Self absorbed? Thoughtless? Harry the only person here like that is you! Why can't you just be happy for me?"
"I am happy for you!" He shouted.
Sure didn't sound it to me.
"Then why are you so obsessed with James, what's he ever done to you?" It was starting to piss me off this weird thing Harry had against James, I'd wanted to know for ages and he still hadn't managed to tell me what it was.
"It doesn't matter!" His voice was still raised, cigarette grasped between his fingers.
"But it does H, you don't get to treat me like this." I was trying my best not to get upset but whenever I was angry I tended to cry and I desperately didn't want to cry in front of Harry.
"I can do what I like." He was being cold, his walls were closing. There was no getting through to him now.
"Please Harry, talk to me. If there's some genuine reason why James is the worst person in the world i'd understand but right now you just can't provide me with an answer and it sounds like your just saying it for the sake of it." I was beginning to grovel, I hated fighting with anyone.
He paused for a moment not saying anything just running his hands through his hair a few times in anguish.
Before he spoke he stomped on his cigarette so it could join the others that were put out on the cold floor.
The air around us was chilly, my jacket not quite being warm enough.
Harry had on his denim jacket which was normal. It didn't really make sense to me that he could wear it in hot and cold weather.
Halloween was only a few days a way and that meant thanksgiving and Christmas weren't too far away either.
It only felt like yesterday I celebrated New Years.
This New Years will be so strange.
Celebrating with a totally new set of people, in a new place, looking forward to new things.
Life a year ago was so different to how it is now, and at this moment I would do anything to go back to it.
"I came to your window." His voice was much softer now, if the wind blew hard enough I'd have missed it.
"I know Harry." He was just repeating what I already knew.
He sighed, "No, I don't mean then."
I furrowed my eyebrows confused, "What do you mean then?"
Sometimes Harry spoke so clearly and other times he made absolutely zero sense.
"I mean I've been back. A few times. Maybe once a week. Sometimes more." Between each sentence he paused but I waited for him to carry on not wanting to interrupt.
The lump in the back of my throat was starting to get bigger, I attempted to swallow it down. "You mean you've thrown rocks at my window since that first time?"
I'm sure that's what he meant.
"Well not exactly..." He trailed off and looked down at his feet.
"So what do you mean?" I didn't mean to be pushy but I just had to know.
"Sometimes, I just visit you know."
I stared wide eyed, "Not in a creepy way..." He carried on.
I was beginning to wonder if I was friends with an actual creep.
"I just... I think about throwing stones. But I don't." He chucked, "I have more courage when i'm drunk that's why I did it the first time."
So he'd been coming to my house just to stand outside the window.
Was that endearing or terrifying?
"Why do you need courage?" I didn't really understand what he was meaning by the whole thing.
"Because El, I don't know how to talk to you properly. You don't treat me like everyone else and it's weird and I can't wrap my head around it. Sometimes we get on and other times I want to rip your hair out."
Wow how sweet of him.
"You can talk to me the same as everyone else."
"But that's just the thing, I can't."
What the hell did he mean?
This was so frustrating.
"Everyone else can, James can."
Big mistake.
As soon as I said his name I regretted it.
We were finally getting somewhere as well.
Harry's walls were up, his eyes glossed over.
He put his backpack on properly so it wasn't just slung over his shoulder.
"Of course he can, how could I forget." There was no emotion behind his voice.
I'd ruined it.
Like normal.
The sound of the bell could be heard off in the distance back in the distance we'd come from.
"I'm so sorry Harry, I didn't mean it like that." Although I wasn't 100% sure what I was apologising for I was sorry and I did mean it.
But James was my boyfriend now why couldn't I mention him.
Boyfriend.
That was weird to say.
"Whatever." Harry shrugged his shoulders and stormed back towards the doors of the High School.
And for the first time in my life I didn't follow him.
I went home.
****
Hope you all had a good Easter if you celebrate it :)