TRIGGER WARNING: PHYSICAL SELF HARM, IMPLIES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
Serenade
Mama left me in the bedroom to nap, but I really wasn't tired. Mommy is at work, and I really want them both here in bed with me, but Mama has to clean up around the house too. After about 15 minutes of laying quietly in bed, my mind began to trail off into sad and scary scenarios, Mama and Mommy leaving me, or they fight and break up, just horrible things that I usually know won't ever happen, but right now it felt like such a possibility. I let out a small whimper, the noise only I can hear because I'm alone in the room. I felt pain in my chest, not physical pain really, but I felt completely broken. I start to tear up but I swallow the urge to cry, and I just try to zone out so I can feel a little numb, and I don't end up freaking out. I feel like a complete burden, what if Mama just put me down for a nap because I'm annoying and she doesn't want to take care of me? What if Mommy wasn't really at work, she was somewhere far away from here, because she doesn't love me, and doesn't want to be with me and Mama anymore? What if, while I'm sleeping, they both leave me alone, and I won't have mommies no more?
I'm sure Mama is downstairs cleaning, and instead of going downstairs and asking for cuddles to feel better, my brain made the decision to go into the bathroom. I don't use the big girl potty often, most of the time I'm little, and I have a really hard time not having accidents, so I wear a pull up or diaper usually. But I felt the need to sit in there. I remember hiding razors some months ago, in the corner of the cupboard behind some medicines that don't get used often. I felt really overwhelmed, and the thought of the razors wouldn't leave my head. The tears that were forming in my eyes eventually trickle down my cheeks, and I let out a small sniffle as I jump up from where I was sitting on the tile floor, and I swing open the mirror cupboard, my eyes immediately landing on the pill bottles that were keeping the small sharp pieces of metal hidden. With a shaking hand I move the bottles out of the way, seeing the razors, and I carefully pick one up, moving to sit back down on the floor in the corner of the bathroom, bending my knees up close to my chest and I wrap my arms around my knees and press the front of my forearms into the top of my calves. "I don't have to do this.. I don't.. Don't do this.." I whisper to myself and take a deep breath, but then I open my eyes and see the razor in my hand, and my mind just goes blank and I move one my right arm out, pointing my forearm up towards the ceiling, and I lightly trace the razor over my old scars, most of them weren't from sharp metal, rather I would burn myself before, with just my fingers, or scratch deep into my hands. But I look at the old cutting scars on the side of my forearm closest to the middle of my arm, and I remember how amazing it felt to cut through my skin, euphoric even. I inhale deeply and press the razor into the skin right about my old cuts, moaning lightly in pain and relief as it cuts through my soft skin. I feel myself slip into darkness, and I just go wild, cutting deep into my arm multiple times. I start to cry and let out labored breaths, shaking as all of the pain seeps out of the deep cuts, some would call it blood but to me it's just, all of the horrid thoughts and feelings. The deep red liquid drips onto the white tiles, and I just keep going until finally.. I feel relief. Complete relief and it washes over me, and I drop the razor. I rest my head against the wall and close my eyes as I pant softly, slowly coming down from the high I was feeling.
After about 5 minutes, although it felt like forever, I look back down at my arms and my eyes grow wide. I immediately regret doing this, and I start to slip into my little space rather quickly, the sight of the blood absolutely terrifying me, and I start to wail out and cry, screaming for Mama, complete panic washing over me.
Sally
"MAMA?! MAMA HELP!" I suddenly hear Serenade scream from the bathroom. The bathroom? She rarely uses the toilet, why would she be in.. oh no. I realize what could of happened and immediately jump up and run into the bathroom, my heart completely shattering at the sight. "I'm sorry Mama- I didn't m-mean to!" she wails when she sees my hurt face, but I get closer to her and hush her gently. "Baby breathe, breathe. Please breathe, I got you." I whisper in a shaky voice, seeing the blood drying on her arms and I can make out the multiple scattered cuts on her right arm. She's paler than normal, which means she lost some blood, which makes plenty of sense, it's quite obvious. I try not to look at her with pain or panic, instead I kiss her face all over, tasting the salt from her tears but I don't care, I just keep peppering her with kisses. I stop eventually and grab a washcloth, wetting it with warm water and I come back to her and be as gently as I can as I wipe the cuts clean. She wails and screams, and I know she's getting really little, this happened last time she self harmed. How and the hell did she manage to get razors? I keep them hidden now, but she managed to find some. I continue to shush her as I clean her up, and I look down to see her diaper is completely soaked. I sigh and then decide to get in the shower with her, so I set the cloth down and scoop her up in my arms, letting her grip onto me, although she had a weak grip I know she's just needing comfort. I manage to get her diaper off, and I also am able to peel my dress off, both of us being naked now as I start the shower, and she's a little calmer because we are skin to skin. she can't hold up her head now, her whole body limp against me, and I know she's in newborn headspace now. I keep a good hold on her as I let the water stream trickle down our bodies, being careful and making sure the water wasn't hitting her face. "Shh, it's ok honeybee, Mama's got you, you're ok." I whisper in her ear as she continues to fuss, she was probably in pain, I imagine those cuts sting. I get her washed up, and I get one of our softer big towels and wrap us in it. I walk to the bed and lay her down over the towel, gingerly drying her off and diapering her. I scoop her up again, she's only fussing quietly, letting out small cries and I carry her back to the bathroom to grab bandages before going back to the bed and laying her back down. She isn't going to like the bandages, right now she doesn't understand what's happening, why she's in pain. I think about how to make this as easy as I can, and I decide to let her have a bottle, knowing that would distract her most from what I was doing with her arm. I take the bottle that I was feeding her before naptime and slip the rubber nipple between her lips, immediately getting her attention, and she starts eating quickly. I tuck a blanket under the bottle to support it as she eats, and I gently take her arm and open the first big band-aid. I lightly rub Neosporin onto the cuts, making her flinch and start to fuss a little, but I start singing softly. "Come sit, by the window, to see, from a better view.." I sing out her favorite lullaby, and she starts to calm down more and continues to eat, and I continue to sing softly and bandage her arm. "If the world, falls to pieces... At least I'll be with you. I'll save you.. you'll save me too.." I sing softer and softer, dragging out the words and once I finish bandaging her arm I look at her face and see that she's fast asleep, so I gently pull the bottle out of her mouth and swaddle her up in the blanket, being careful of her arms and I pull her up to the head of the bed and surround her peaceful little body with pillows so she doesn't roll off of the bed, and then I step out of the room, keeping the door cracked and staying right outside of it so I can watch her, but I needed to call Mina, and get her home quickly.
Mina
I'm in the middle of the meeting when I feel the vibration of my phone in my pocket, but I decide to ignore it because this meeting is very important, and I'm sure if it's Sally she'll understand I'm busy. But not even a minute after the vibrations topped, they started again. I huff out a little, and I excuse myself from the meeting, ignoring the dirty looks from coworkers and just walking out of the meeting room and into the hall as I pull out my phone. I see the Caller ID, it is in fact Sally, so I answer it. "Honey I am really busy-" She immediately interrupts me, and I feel panic rise in my body at the words she says. "Serenade hurt herself. She needs you, I need you." she whimpers out and I hear her start crying as I walk as fast as my cane will let me to my office to grab my things. "Babe, it's ok. Just breathe. What happened?" I ask in a voice that's as calm as I can muster. Sally takes a deep breath and starts speaking in a shaky voice. "I-I put her down for a nap.. And next thing I know she's screaming for me in the bathroom.. and when I walked in there was b-blood, everywhere, and, and-" she can't even say anything else, and she doesn't have to, I'm not going to make her. "Ok love, listen. I am on my way home right now, ok? I just got my things and I'm going to the car, and I will be there as soon as possible. What is she doing now?" I ask as I walk out of the building and to the garage. "Sh-She's sleeping.. she drank some milk, and I got her cl-clean.." Sally chokes out and my heart breaks at the sound of her cries. "Good job my love, I'm so proud of you for helping her." I say softly, knowing she felt terrible right now, so praise could help. "Bu-But this is m-my f-fault. If I h-hadn't left her-" I immediately stop her. "No, stop that. This is not your fault at all. You did nothing wrong, she's struggling love. We just need to be there for her. Go lay in bed with her, I'm already almost home. I love you so much Sally, it'll all be ok." I say and she sniffles and replies with, "Ok, I love you too", and then I hang up and speed home.
When I walk through the door I immediately hear cries. Serenade's wails and I run upstairs, not very well because of my back, but I don't care if it's painful, I need to get to my girls. I open the bedroom door and see Serenade crying in Sally's arms, and Sally looks up at me and lets out a sob. "She's in pain Mina.. I don't know what to do!" Sally cries and I go over to the bed and sit down next to them, pulling off my blazer and unbuttoning my shirt and slipping that of as well to reveal my breasts. I take our little one from Sally and latch her onto my nipple, getting her to suckle and she starts to drink the breast milk that she suckles out. I continue to hush her softly and pat her bottom and once she's calmed down I look up at Sally and open my free arm for her. She's still crying quietly as she grips onto my arm and cries into my neck, and I can only comfort her as much as possible. "It's alright my loves, I'm right here, I'm not leaving you again, I love you both so much.. shh" I whisper and Sally lifts her head and kisses me gently as she cries. I almost start crying, crying isn't something I ever do, but pain was radiating off of both my girls, and it caused me great pain. I sat with them, keeping quiet and both of them are quiet as well, except for the occasional sniffle and sigh from either of them. After awhile Serenade starts to fuss again, but this time I know she just needs to burp. I sit her up and pat her back as she leans against me. After letting out a few burps she sighs and nuzzles into me, and I can't help but smile a little as she does so. I sigh and look at Sally, cupping her cheek with my free hand. "You really did good love, and I am so happy you called me. We'll get through this, we'll protect her." I whisper and Sally looks down and sighs. "I didn't protect her.. I thought I hid the razors.. I have no idea how she managed to get one.." she says and I ask her to go look in the bathroom. She's gone for a few minutes but then she comes back with a few razors in her hand, and a disappointed expression. "She hid them.. in the mirror." she whispers and I frown and look down at Serenade, who is now sleeping peacefully in my arms. "Wrap them up and throw them away, and then just for safe measure, hide your razors in a new spot, high up so she can't even risk seeing them." I whisper as quietly as I can and Sally nods and quickly does those tasks, and when she's done she comes back into the room and sits back next to me. "I'm gonna take a vacation from work for a week, just so she has both of us as much as possible, and maybe I'll see about working from home." I say and Sally sighs and frowns, but she nods, knowing she can't argue with me on this, Serenade needed both of us right now.
After awhile Serenade stirs awake and groans, and she sits up and rubs her eyes before looking at Sally and I and frowning. "Mommy.. Wutchu doin here?" She mumbles sleepily and I sigh and tuck some of her hair behind her ear. "Mama called me.. and said you hurt yourself baby." I say gently and our baby looks down at her arm and her eyes grow wide. She must've blacked out when it happened, I think she forgot. She looks over at us again and I see the disappointment in her eyes. "I'm so sorry." She whispers in more of a big girl voice and Sally and I immediately wrap our arms around her and pull her into a sandwich hug. "It's alright love. Mommy and I are going to do our best to help you, we promise." Sally says softly, and I add to what she said. "We love you honeybee. So so much."
"I love you too Mommies."
Love you all! 💗