TRIGGER WARNING: HOMOPHOBIC SLUR
Waking up more tired than he did when he fell asleep last night, the first thing he checked was whether he was still blocked: he was. He assured himself that it was definitely a mistake and shoved his unease to the back of his mind. During classes, he turned his phone off so he won't be tempted to check again and lost his focus. It was only after class over, that he allowed himself to check again, knowing what he would find. Nah, it's a joke. A bad joke, but maybe Robbe trying to be playful or something. Around four, waiting a couple buildings from Robbe's flat—he didn't want to meet Zoe or her friends—he had convinced himself that it was all a bad-taste joke. There was no way it could be anything else after that night. A glow filled him then. Not long after he saw Robbe appeared; cycling from afar, he crossed the sreet quickly.
"Robbe!" But Robbe was wearing headphones and didn't hear him. Even that made him smile. Finished locking his bike, Robbe was about to enter the apartment building, and Sander walk quickly to catch him.
"Robbe!" He tapped him lightly from behind.
Robbe turned, looking surprise; he took off his headphone. Smiling, Sander asked, "Why did you block me?"
Robbe put his hand on each side of the door like he was blocking the way. "Leave me alone okay?"
Confused, Sander asked, "What do you mean?"
"No, really. I mean it. Leave me alone." There was a flatness in his voice, and fear crept in then.
"But, Robbe, I don't understand. Wasn't yesterday—" he was about to describe how wondrous their first kiss was, but Robbe cut him off.
"Don't act if you don't know what you did." Each words oozed with accusation in it.
"What?" This is a prank and any second now he will laugh at my face.
"You got me drunk. And took advantage of me."
"Took advantage?" What is he talking about?
He repeated rigidly, "Yes. Took advantage. Yes."
Sander felt cold inside. He felt like Robbe was so far away, and he was desperate to pull him back to him. He took a step toward him, "What do you mean? But I didn't—"
Robbe pushed him away and exclaimed sharply, "Really! I said, stay away from me! Okay?"
Sander could see the distance stretched between them further. He tried to step close to him again, "Cmmon, Robbe."
The boy in front of him shoved him roughly and yelled, "Stay away from me dirty f*g**t!"
Sander felt the words like a punch to his gut, he gasped and stumbled back. Numbing shock nailed him in place, he didn't aware that the door had closed or how long he had stood there. He turned and forced his feet to move. Walking in a daze, ice grip his heart, he felt people passed. Their faces were a blur of voices and laughs. He started to feel nauseous and he swayed a bit in place. Staggering, he half-fell to the sidewalk. He closed his eyes and putting his head between his knees, he breathed in and out slowly. Someone was saying something to him. He forced himself to look up.
It was a woman he didn't know, looking at him with concern, "Are you okay?"
"I am fine, thank you. Just need a moment." Sander tried to smile, but he felt so sick right now, so he just nodded his thanks. And went back closing his eyes.
After a while, he opened his eyes. The woman was gone. Sander got up and willed himself to just put one foot in front of the other. He kept walking, trying to blank his mind from anything. He was not on walking distance from home and he had left his bike back there. He took his phone and called his mom.
Her mom picked up, "Hi honey."
Holding his emotion in him tightly, he said, "Mom. Could you pick me up? I just.. I left my bike.."
"Honey, are you okay? Where are you right now?"
"I am okay. Just please come.. I'll send you the address."
"I'll be there shortly. Don't go anywhere okay. Just wait for me, I am coming."
"Okay." He sent the location to his mom.
Sander saw a bench some paces away. He walked there and sat, staring straight at nothing. Sometimes later, someone touched his arm.
"Sander? Honey? Are you okay?"
Sander looked up at his mom worried face. He opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out.
"You looks so pale. What happened? Are you sick?"
Sander shook his head. "Please, can we just go home?"
"Okay, let's go home." Her mom took his arm and led him to her car. She opened the door and gently pushed him into the seat. Sander felt the seatbelt was fasten on him and the car moved. He looked through the window, seeing everything, registered nothing. Her mom touched him again, they had arrived.
"Honey? You want to tell me what happened?"
Sander stared at her and suddenly everything hit. The pain was so physical, he wanted to throw up. Robbe's words rang and rang again in his head, filling every space in his mind. He looked at his hand, he turned his palm around and suddenly he felt so dirty. Every inch of his skin itched. He ran out from the car, through the door and up the stairs.
"Sander!" His mom was chasing and calling him.
Sander forced himself to turn and answered, "I am sorry, I can't. I just—not too good—just need to be alone.. just a while.."
And then he can not hold it anymore. He ran into the bathroom, locked it and took off all his clothes. He turned on the shower, took the soap and rubbed every inch of his body and let the hot water burn his skin. Robbe might not know it, but he had given his heart to him. And the boy had took it, and threw it back at his feet. Standing there with the water running on him, he finally cried.