~Thursday 29th January 2015~
"Are you coming, Rin?" Aspen tugged on Erin's arm, rousing the boy from his thoughts. He had been so distant lately, so lost in his own mind. There was just too much to think of, too much to cope with. And too much to deal with by himself. He had to talk to someone.
"I have to go talk to Levi about tomorrow's lecture," Aspen's pout prompted Erin to force a smile onto his lips, she was easier to convince if he didn't look so miserable, "I'll catch up with you a little later, save me a seat, OK?" Erin rose from where he had been perched on the little wall out in the courtyard. It was a nice day, not raining for once, so he and Aspen had decided to sit outside whilst they waited for the other three girls to finish their class. He was hungry and, yes, he would have liked to just go and lose himself in the mundane conversations that the girls would have, but he couldn't. There was only one thing on his mind, and only one person he could speak to about that.
"You're not fucking him, are you?" Aspen's smirked then, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Great, that was going to be the new rumour spreading around the college if Erin wasn't careful. If Jordan found out... Erin almost winced at the thought.
"He's straight, Aspen, don't say shit like that," Aspen only giggled, not looking all too convinced, "I'm serious, I wouldn't do that to Jordan. Don't fucking say shit like that," Erin didn't care how harsh his words sounded, nor did he feel much remorse over the smile fading from Aspen's face. She was a bitch, and Erin was sick of it. He didn't want to be cruel enough to simply drop her, or the other girls, but he was becoming more self-aware. Ross was doing that to him, making him realise that he shouldn't be OK with how people were treating him. He deserved better.
Erin picked up his rucksack, carrying it in one hand rather than putting it over his shoulder whilst he walked inside. He didn't bother to apologise for how he snapped at Aspen, knowing the girl would probably forget about it by the time he sat down with her again anyway. Apologies were worthless if they didn't mean anything, Erin was beginning to realise it was a waste to hope that the words might actually hold any truth anymore. It was just a way to lure someone back, there was no sincerity in the world anymore.
"Are you busy?" Erin asked, lingering in the doorway to Levi's office. Hopefully, if he was in there, that meant he wasn't teaching a class so soon. Erin needed time to talk, and he wasn't sure how long.
"Not at all," Levi beckoned Erin in with a warm smile, waiting whilst the boy closed the door, "do you want a coffee?" Stupid question, really, Erin always wanted a coffee. Maybe he hoped that the caffeine might perk him up more than just physically. Maybe he hoped that it might actually brighten his mood for once. Although, it never managed to.
"Please," Erin waited until Levi was facing away from him before bending down ever so slightly to place his bag on the floor beside the man's desk, biting his lip to avoid whining as he wanted to. He should have stayed home, another day off wouldn't make any difference, Jordan had suggested so. With his back pain, it wasn't worth forcing himself through the day. He would have been better staying home to heal somewhat before attempting his lectures.
"I was wondering when you might come and speak with me again, did you talk to Jordan?" Levi always got straight to the point, Erin liked that about him usually. Now? He wasn't so sure.
"No," Erin settled down carefully on the couch opposite Levi's desk, wincing all the while, thankful that Levi was still facing away from him whilst he finished making the boy's coffee. Erin glanced toward his rucksack, wishing for a moment that he had taken his painkillers out. Maybe then he could have slipped one into his mouth whilst Levi wasn't looking. The man would only worry, Erin didn't need that piled on top of everything else.
"What about the other man?" Erin almost wished he could tell Levi about Ross. Maybe if the man stayed quiet long enough for Erin to explain, he might understand the boy's relationship. The only problem was, Erin couldn't be sure. And he didn't want to risk pushing away the only person he was truly comfortable opening up to all because the truth had slipped out. It was better than Levi just knew him as 'the other man'. He could be level then, rather than bias. That made it easier for Erin to talk, when he didn't feel so damn judged all the time.
"We've had sex three times since Monday," Erin muttered, praying for the guilt that he knew wouldn't roll around. It never did anymore, and that only made the boy feel all the more broken. He didn't feel much of anything anymore. Not unless he was with Ross. Then he felt everything. Happiness, safety, compassion. He felt alive when he was with Ross.
"But you haven't ended things with Jordan yet?" Levi settled down beside Erin, passing the boy his coffee and sipping his own. No judgement, Erin reminded himself. Levi never judged, he just talked. It made the boy wonder why he hadn't spent longer doing this. He didn't trust anyone else like he trusted Levi, maybe he saw him as a father figure, maybe a big brother, either way, Erin felt safe with him. Almost as safe as when he was with Ross.
"I don't know what to do anymore," Erin admitted, hearing the exhaustion in his own voice, staring down at the steam rising from his mug, "I agreed to keep things physical with... The other man but I know he doesn't want that," Erin thought of giving Ross some other name, just lying directly to Levi, but that ruined the whole point of talking. He was supposed to be being honest. Omission wasn't lying, it was just avoidance. Erin could cope with avoidance, he lived by it every day.
"And what do you want, Erin?" That was a question Erin had been asking himself ever since that first night with Ross. Maybe even before. He just couldn't find any answer. He could lie, he could say he just wanted clarity, he wanted a solid relationship, he wanted... Normality. But that wasn't it. There was only one word that came to mind when he heard that question, and it was the one word that he couldn't bring himself to say to Levi.
"I don't know," an easier option, no matter the ill truth, lies couldn't always be avoided, "I like being with him, with the other guy. I feel... Free, maybe? He's attentive, he doesn't just talk about himself, or sports, or work. I mean, yesterday we spent an hour just talking about our favourite colours. There were tangents and other conversations between but it started with that. With something so simple that, I don't know, became something beautiful," yellow. That was Ross' favourite colour. Not yellow like gold, or the sun, or anything like that. Buttercup yellow. Ross Towler, ex-convict and hitman, grinned like a five-year-old at the sight of buttercups.
"That doesn't sound just physical, Erin," it probably wasn't. Levi was right. Nothing was ever just physical with Ross and Erin. They hadn't even fucked last night when they met just after midnight. Jordan had been busy playing video games with his friends, Erin gave the excuse that he was going down to the store, then that he was stuck in traffic. Ross had met him in the parking lot, with the two of them just sitting in the back of the man's car, talking. Erin had been so engrossed in their conversation that he had forgotten all about Wraith sat in the driver's seat, reading silently, never even looking up from his book until the boy mentioned he needed to leave.
"Will you tell me what to do?" With Erin's own decisions clearly being pretty bad ones, it might have been time to listen to someone else. A third party, someone older who might actually be able to guide Erin onto the right path. He had two options, as always, and they were simple ones. Stay with Jordan, in a committed and stable relationship. One that left him terrified and miserable. Or take a risk. Tell Ross how he really felt, tell him that he didn't just want it to be physical, that he wasn't in it for the sex anymore. That he wanted more.
"I'm afraid I can't, Erin," Levi smiled sympathetically, "this has to be your choice, it wouldn't be fair of me to coerce you into something you weren't completely comfortable with," Erin supposed Levi had to be right. After all, he knew what the man would choose. Levi would choose Ross, since he had been in a relationship similar to Erin's before. He would choose safety, and happiness, and freedom. Any sane person would. Did that make Erin insane? Who wouldn't be if they had endured Jordan's torture for so long?
"I think a part of me is waiting for Jordan to wake up," Erin finished his coffee, resting it on the edge of the table yet keeping his eyes set on his hands instead, "I think I hope that, one day, he'll finally see me. He'll finally understand what he has and he'll love me like I want him to. But he never does," Erin had never admitted that before. Not even to himself. Everything was becoming so much clearer because of Ross, as though Erin's whole vision was broadening because of the man. His reality was changing, brightening, and Erin didn't want that to stop.
"Maybe it's time to let go of that dream. It's been two years, Erin, I don't think Jordan is going to become a different person. Even for someone like you," Erin sighed, nodding slowly, "there's another man out there who makes you feel better, I think the risk of that not working out is better than forcing yourself through this relationship with Jordan, right?" Erin almost agreed, until Levi rested a hand on his back and he hissed out a breath, shifting away from the man, "what's wrong?" Erin remained silent, not daring to raise his eyes. He was tearing up, afraid to speak, afraid of what might actually leave his lips. Lying had been so easy for so long, but he was exhausted. He didn't want to keep up the front anymore, he didn't want to feel so numb. He wanted Ross, Ross would be able to help. If Erin ever had the courage to tell the man what was happening anyway.
"I get back pain sometimes," Erin tried, although he knew Levi wasn't going to believe him. Not when the tears were already coursing down his cheeks. Pathetic. That voice rang out in his mind, causing him to rub at his eyes furiously. Erin, you can't just fucking turn on the waterworks and expect me to forgive you! Take it like a man and stop acting like such a pussy!
"Hey, hey, Erin, calm down," Levi gripped Erin's wrists, holding them out in front of the boy, not allowing him to risk hurting himself any more, "it's alright, just take a breath. Just breathe, OK?" Despite the blurred vision, Erin could see that Levi wasn't angry. He wasn't disgusted by Erin's tears, he was more concerned. That helped the boy calm. That and replaying his memories with Ross. Ross never shouted at him for crying, he didn't shout at Erin for anything.
When Levi deemed Erin calm enough, he collected the boy a glass of water. The two were silent for an unknown amount of time. Erin just sipped the water, sniffling every so often, thankful that he could bite back the rest of his tears. Levi was watching him, worry in those brown eyes, clearly trying to think of the best way to approach the situation he had just witnessed. People didn't just break down over nothing, it wasn't normal. Especially for someone in Erin's position.
"I need you to tell me what really happened to your back, Erin," no response, Erin couldn't bear it, "can you show me, at least? I just want to make sure it's nothing too serious," Erin merely stared at Levi for a moment, eyes wide and frightful, before he finally caved. The man already knew enough, he wasn't going to just drop the subject, not after such a reaction from Erin.
Cautiously, Erin rose to his feet, followed closely by Levi, who helped him peel off his hoodie and t-shirt. He remained silent as he stared blankly across the room, feeling Levi's eyes flittering over the bruising that covered his back. It wasn't as bad as it looked, Erin told himself, this wasn't constant. He had tripped. Over and over, those three words filled Erin's mind. He had tripped. Tripped... Tripped... Tripped. You fucking tell them you tripped, Erin, you're clumsy enough for it to stick. You tripped, didn't you? Didn't you?!
"I tripped," Erin's voice didn't sound like his own, monotone and apathetic, "I tripped and fell down the stairs," it was almost robotic. Then again, what could Erin really expect? He had been forced to repeat the words enough that they didn't have any emotion anymore. His voice didn't tremble. Tears didn't well in his eyes. They were just empty. Like him. Hollow and fractured and empty inside.
"Erin, I don't think that's what happened," Levi used a very soft voice, one that Erin hadn't quite heard before. Not for a long time anyway. The child therapists used to talk to him like that, almost spoke in a whisper, as if the volume of their words would have any effect in preventing some outburst from the boy. If he was going to sob and scream and throw a tantrum, he would do it regardless. That tone did nothing to help.
"I tripped," Erin repeated, biting down on his lip when Levi brushed his fingers over a particularly sensitive patch of flesh on his side. Cracked rib, he told himself. He had been there before, it wouldn't hurt so much in a few days. The bruising always faded within a week, no one would know. No one but Levi.
"Erin, please, I'm not going to tell anyone but I need you to talk to me," Levi walked around to stand in front of Erin, meeting the boy's eyes, "if you can't tell me what happened, I have to report this to the police. I can't just ignore this, knowing what he does to you," Erin should have expected as much. Still, he couldn't stop his bottom lip from quivering, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked at the agony in his professor's expression. He had been here. If anyone could help, it was him.
"I-I tripped," Erin whispered, shaking his head as he spoke, trying to find the right words, trying to find the truth, "I tripped?" Erin felt weak, his legs trembling, heart pounding. He hadn't tripped. He never tripped.
"Here, let's sit down again," Levi helped Erin back over to the couch, settling the boy just as he burst into tears. It wasn't quiet like it had been with Ross. Erin heard noises he didn't even realise he could make, sounds like a wounded animal as he wept, clutching onto Levi's hands, begging him to help, babbling over and over how afraid he was. But what could the man do? Go to the police? It was Jordan's word against his, even more so when you factored in the chief of police being the man's father. He wouldn't have his son put away for domestic abuse, he would weasel the man out of it. Erin was trapped. Still. Forever.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Levi asked when Erin had finally calmed somewhat. The boy was dressed again, after Levi had taken some pictures of his back and gotten his painkillers for him. Of course, he could only have two. Jordan monitored that as well. God forbid Erin try to end his own life before the man was finished with him.
"He was drunk," Erin spoke through barely moving lips, flinching when the memory hit him at full force, trying to push it away and focus on his surroundings instead, "he's been drinking more lately, I don't know why," Erin wished he did, yet, he didn't dare question Jordan, not when he was acting so vicious, "he came home late and woke me up. We argued and... Why does he... I don't understand what I do so wrong to him. I don't understand why he wants to hurt me," Erin's voice cracked again, prompting him to take a long sip from the glass of water resting in his hands.
"People like Jordan don't have any real reasons, Erin, they act impulsively. They're wired up wrong, just like all the other sick people in the world," Ross wasn't wired wrong. People called him sick, they talked about what he did, called him a monster, but he wasn't anything like that. Ross was sweet, and caring, and he wouldn't hurt Erin like that. He made the boy feel safe, if only he could call him and explain everything. Ross would protect him.
"I should go, you have a class in a few minutes," Erin muttered, having caught sight of the clock above the door. He hadn't even realised that he had already been speaking with Levi for the past forty minutes. Times clearly flies when you're having a serious emotional breakdown.
"What are you planning on doing about this, Erin?" Neither said the words. They were too much, obviously for the both of them. Erin felt guilty over telling Levi everything, fearing that maybe he was disturbing memories of the man's personal trauma. That wouldn't be fair, not after everything that Levi had been through, all the work he had put into fixing what his ex-wife had broken.
"I'm going for dinner at my mom's tonight, I think I might tell her everything. If I can move back in with her, that's good, right?" Erin knew he had already screwed himself over, that was a big step he vowed he would take, and he wasn't sure he could actually follow through, "I don't know how to talk to him though. He knows where my mom lives, I don't want her to get hurt because of me. And I can't ask her to uproot her life all over again. It isn't fair," Erin's mother might have been accepting, and completely encouraging of her son, but he didn't want to be the cause of such another large change in their lives. They had settled completely in San Francisco, Erin didn't want to be forced away from his home because of Jordan. Even then, he couldn't be sure that the man couldn't follow.
"You have to talk to the police, Erin-"
"I can't," Erin was vehement on that, "Jordan's dad is the chief, he won't believe me. Jordan will talk his way out of it, it's my word against his. He's smart, Levi, that's why he doesn't punch me in the face or do anything obvious. He has an excuse for everything," nothing good would come of Erin outing Jordan to the police, nothing would be done. Erin couldn't risk his mother either. She had nothing to do with this and he wasn't willing for her to be hurt because of him.
His shoulders sagged ever so slightly as he retreated within himself, no longer listening to Levi. The man was talking, Erin simply wasn't paying any attention to the words. He was crashing. Plummeting through the air. He thought he had wings, thought he was finally free but, in reality, he was still stuck in that cage.
Forever.