"Hold up hold up" Shantele says as she paces my room frantically, "you said what?"
"I panicked" I say and raise my head from my palms, "I was scared"
"Why?" Shantele asks, "isn't this what you've always wanted for such a long time"
"It was" I say
"Was?" Shantele repeats and stops pacing, "you don't want it anymore?"
"I do" I say, "but everything is really messed up, he's messed up and I'm also messed up"
"You're not messed up" Shantele says and sits beside me on my bed.
"You don't need to sugarcoat it" I say
"I'm not" Shantele says, "you're just going through a difficult phase that is challenging for you"
"And how do you know that all this is a phase" I ask and stand up from the bed to do my own, "because that's not what the doctors tell me"
"Listen girl cause I wont say it twice" Shantele stands up also and places both hands on my shoulder, "you're not messed up, life is messed up and the moment you decide to let go of all that hate and embrace the people around you who truly love you then you will realize that you're not the messed up one"
I nod my head rapidly as I feel my throat getting hot, I hug Shantele tightly and take peace in the familiarity and happiness she gives me, she is one of the only constant things in my life"
*
*
I pick a baby blue turtle neck sweater and a navy blue skirt along with black ankle boot, I style my hair into a messy bun and add my chopsticks in for fun of it.
I skip down the stairs feeling a little better after the little talk Shantele and I had the night before. I pick an apple from the table when I realize that today is Tuesday meaning Flinette won't be dropping me in school and the person that I get a ride from won't be available because I pushed him away yesterday.
I see a note on the table with Flinette's writing on it, I pick it up and the first thing I notice is Flinette's key on the table. Without even bothering to read the note I push it into the pocket of my skirt and pick up the keys and rush to the front lawn so I don't go late to school.
When I enter the car it immediately reminds me of all the dramatic moments I have had with it like when I screamed at Flinette the day I met Micheal and Shaze came to confront me and I ran away with the car and during our friendaversary when I saw Adaira's birthday notification and ditched Renae.
It's sad to think that I have had a lot of bad memories with this car, as I enter I remember that after ditching Renae I ended up at Shaze's house and we had that intimate moment. I shake my head to rid myself of such thoughts.
I drive to school in silence, not bothering to turn on the radio. Exiting the car took a lot more effort than I had expected because I kept getting scared of how people would look at me or what they would say to me when they saw me and my bandaged hand.
I finally step out of the car when I see Shantele waving at me from the school hallway. I skip towards her and wrap my hands around hers and we giggle and walk into the school. The usual crowd part so that Shantele and I can walk through and I keep telling myself to keep my head up and not to look at the ground.
We finally make it to my locker and sigh in relief while putting my bag and pulling out my necessary books. My locker slams shut and I jump back at the impact.
I put my hand on my chest to calm my beating heart, I slit my eyes at Micheal and his rude behaviour this early in the morning.
"What the fuck was that yesterday?" He demands and I suddenly feel my own bad temper rising up for the battle also.
"The fuck is your problem this morning?" I snap
"Do you think you can just use me as you please?" he demands and the way he puts it makes me feel worthless.
"Excuse you" I say and wrap my hands tightly around my books to stop myself from lashing out at him, "isn't having me to yourself what you wanted from the beginning?"
"Can you even hear yourself?" he says, "what kind of messed up person uses someone to hurt another person"
"You're one to talk Saint Micheal" I spit out and flip my hair behind my back, "after all you've done to me do you really think you can come here and claim victim"
I turn on my heels and stomp to my first class.
I enter the class and continue stomping to my seat, the door swings open and I automatically look up and see Renae and Jordan walking hand in hand and I curse myself silently.
"First time seeing you in this class in a while" Renae says as she takes the seat beside mine, "why, couldn't ditch this class?"
"It totally skipped my mind that there was a reason why I stopped attending it in the first place" I say and open my textbook to where I guess we should be in the lesson.
"Do we make you that uncomfortable?" Renae asks and this is one of those moments where I hate her inquisitiveness.
"Just drop it" Jordan says and I look at him sitting on my other side and it suddenly reminded me of back then we were the awesome trio.
I push back my seat, pick my books up from the desk and stand up. "Where are you going now?" Renae asks, "don't tell me you're running away"
"Alas, I hate to disappoint you" I say, "My stomach just doesn't sit well with the stench of your lies"
"Don't you think you're being too much?" Jordan demands, "Just because she failed to hang out with you during the summer break?"
"Oh, is that the story we're going with?" I ask and cock an eyebrow at Renae, "okay then, I'll let you have this one but beware when the truth does come out you'll wish you had come clean from the get go"
"And also, I had already decided over the weekend to forgive you for what you did that three years ago that led to a horrible chain reaction" I say and smile when Jordan's brow scrunches and Renae looks panicked, "I guess she didn't tell you that part of the story"
"I thought you said you were going to be forgiving?" Renae demands
"I am" I say and flip my hair over my shoulder, "but unless people learn what really happened then they wouldn't understand what the crime I am forgiving is"
"Why can't you ever say things straight" Jordan says.
"Because I like playing games" I say and my face becomes deadpanned, "and I love watching people destroy themselves trying to figure it out"
"Well Renae and I aren't like those people you manipulate" Jordan says confidently and I can't help the snort that comes out of my mouth.
"Confident aren't we?" I ask and mentally remind myself that I have decided to be forgiving and let the past be the past, "you guys are so lucky I am a changed person right now"
I turn on my heels and stomp out of the classroom, I take the stairs leading straight to the library where I take a seat by the window and enjoy the scenery of the trees swishing in the breeze along with the birds flying past.
I unlock my phone and open my instagram app, I scroll through my feed and find it all meaningless. All I see are a bunch of people trying to convince themselves and the world that they are happy when in reality most of them aren't.
I tap my nails on my phone screen apprehensively before finally deciding to delete my account and the thousands of people who follow me. I don't want to reassure myself and the world that I am happy, instead I want to feel the happiness inside me and not just pulling a façade for the whole world and myself.
I sit in the library and for once enjoy the silence and peace around me, something I haven't had the chance to experience in a while because I have been filling myself up with hate and regret.
I want to document this moment, I want to look back at it and tell myself that I made the best decision of my life by deciding to let it all go and finally be true to myself.
I open my camera app and start doing a video of myself.
"Hey Adaira" I start, "today is November 30th 20XX, and it's been three years since you fell down the stairs and had a great bump just like humpty dumpty, err, I'm in my junior year and it's not as fun as Flinette made it out to be when she was in her junior year"
"So far for me it has sucked like really sucked like how moms Lasagna sucked, yeah that kind of suck" I laugh remembering how terrible it always tasted no matter how hard she tried to perfect the recipe, "well, my life has been a rollercoaster, so far I have pushed away three guys that cared about me, one was because I was too scared of what would happen if I opened my heart and got it shattered, the other one was because he chose my enemy over me and the last one, well the last one I really don't know" I run my hands through my hair, "we really clicked at first and then I started getting these weird vibes around him and a part of me is telling me to be cautious around him cause all that glitters isn't always gold"
"But enough about my sad and sappy life" I say and smile, "if you're watching this then it means you're finally awake and I can braid your hair again and you can rap till I become deaf and you're probably going to go back to school soon and I have already hugged you senseless and cried like an idiot while you petted me like the little kitten that I am"
I smile and press the stop button, I smile as I watch what I did. I really can't wait for you to wake up and see this, I really miss you.
I drop my phone on the table and open the textbook for the class I just skipped and begin to study through it because Adaira wouldn't like it if she woke up and found out I have been slacking in my studies.
AN
I give you a less dramatic update... I think.
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