I thought you would get it
I really did
I've dealt with it once or twice
The whole spiel about how I hope you don't hate me and I wish you well on any future journeys
I didn't expect you of all people
To beg on your knees
Pray to god screaming "Please"
That I don't leave you
Not after you called me "darling"
I didn't expect
For this to be the end
I always wanted you to want me
But this isn't how I pictured it
I thought we'd be in school
I thought we'd be so close
Not that we're one year in a pandemic and all of a sudden you want to take me in car rides and become something much more
Where did all this comes from
It all makes no sense
We haven't spoken in over a year
Why do you so desperately want me to keep being your friend
I thought a text would be closure
I thought my paragraphs made enough sense
I didn't think you'd end up gaslighting me
Into making me want to stay friends
Our time is long gone
And maybe I should've seen it sooner
I should've blocked you back then
I should have read the signs clearer
That you knew that I liked you
That you were struggling too
That you actually trusted me
And it wasn't some twisted mind game to you
And maybe it's my fault
For seeking closure for something so small
The way that I liked you
And all the questions that would always circle my thoughts
So I'm sorry that I hurt you
But I didn't want to be the girl who only ever left you on read
I didn't want to set you up for how I used to feel in the past
And maybe I am overreacting
for something so small
maybe ending the friendship wasn't what I wanted at all
But when you said darling
I knew it was all wrong
You're not the same boy I once hoped would become mine
Wrote poems about and would cry about at night
Though it's clear we were never compatible
So I'm glad I got out quick
Arguing over me being too dramatic isn't the closure I had on my wishlist
So go ahead and think what you think
After all, you claim to have so many friendships
I'm sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be
I'm sorry you only like the idealized version of me
I'm sorry you left the first time
That I left the last 2 times
This closure ended up being a dumpster fire
Written on: March 31, 2021
It's been a hell of the last 24 hours. Turns out my high school crush knew I liked him and is now, for some reason, willing to see if I still like him if we go out. No thanks "buddy". My feelings about this guy were never straightened out, but at least I tried to get closure. What happened happened, and I should just be glad I was brave and assertive enough to take a stance on how I felt. I didn't want things to end up as shit. I just wanted to thank him for his kindness and friendship. Somehow that steered into "don't leave me" and "I care about you, that's why im responding"
I know in some eyes it can and will seem I'm the bad guy. There was no real reason to end the friendship. It's more of just the age difference and growing out of it. (Im still a junior and he's a freshmen in college.) We all have friendships where we grow out of it and it just seems like not friendships bcuz its been so long. I guess I ended up doing the opposite of what my therapist recommended. Instead of trying to further the relationship, I just tore it down. Which is sort of what i wanted all along. i dont understand why he made it a point of contention.