XXX
love
In a span of half an hour, my mom has completely turned my life upside down. Ginugol ko ang buong araw na iyon kasama siya. Dahil doon, hindi ko matawagan si Stav. Pumunta pa pala siya kanina sa campus para sunduin ako. I felt so guilty.
Sinabi ko sa kaniya na narito si Mama at hindi kami makakapagkita. Nang sumunod na araw, umalis rin ito ngunit tuluyan na akong lumipat sa condo na binili niya. Tinawagan ko si Stav upang ipaalam iyon.
"I'm sorry. Biglaan na lang akong lumipat."
"It's okay. Mabuti na rin 'yan at may maayos kang titirhan." His tone was reasurring, but I can tell he was just pretending that all of this is alright to him.
"Pupunta ako riyan kapag nakatakas ako sa mga bantay ko. Kukunin ko ang mga gamit ko at si baby G."
"Gusto mo ipadala ko na lang riyan?"
"No. Pupunta ako diyan." Giit ko dahil hindi ko naman gustong pumunta ulit sa studio para sa mga naiwan ko, gusto ko lang ulit siyang makasama.
"For now, will you take care of Baby G for me?" Pinalambing ko ang tono.
Narinig ko ang pagak niyang pagtawa.
"Don't worry, I'm a good cat dad."
We spent the call laughing and exchanging jokes, but I sensed that just like me, he was just pretending to act like everything isn't worrying him. I knew my mom would do everything to make me break up with him. That worries me. Sa gitna ng tawanan at kwentuhan namin, lihim akong naluha sa pag-iisip noon.
Panay ang buntot sa akin ng personal bodyguard ko nang subukan kong umalis. It was so embarrassing. Mabuti na lang at hindi ganoon ang sitwasyon sa school. Sinusundo lang ako ng bodyguard kapag na sa parking na. Ngunit dahil roon ay hindi pa rin kami makapagkita ni Stav.
Tatlong araw na ganoon ang sitwasyon hanggang sa hindi na ako nakatiis. Vacant ko nang naisipan kong makipagkita kay Stav. Kapag uwian kasi ay paniguradong hindi ako makakatakas sa sundo ko.
Gumuhit agad ang ngiti ko nang matanaw siya sa harap ng Oblation. My heart took a leap and my long hair flew as I ran towards his open arms.
"Missed me?" He cupped my cheeks. Matangkad ako ngunit tumingala pa rin ako para magtagpo ang paningin namin.
"Why? Hindi mo ako namiss?"
He laughed and bit his lip.
"Sobra." Pinatakan niya ng halik ang noo ko.
"Wala kang vacant ng ganitong oras ah?" Inabot ko ang kamay niya nang magsimula kaming maglakad patungo sa sunflower field.
"Okay lang. I missed physiology."
"Isn't that hard?"
"I can catch up." Kumpiyansa niyang saad.
Sinalubong kami ng matitingkad na dilaw na bulaklak. Matataas na ang tangkay ng mga iyon at ang ilan ay nalalanta na. Pinaglakbay ko ang kamay sa talulot ng mga iyon habang naglalakad kami sa makitid na sidewalk. I was on the elevated gutter while Stav stayed on the road.
A distant part of my heart clenched for a faded memory. I stopped receiving polaroids after the photo of the ring. But I still wonder, what could sunflowers possibly mean in those photos?
"You know, Stav, I often dream about sunflowers." Simula ko.
Tumaas ang kilay ni Stav kasabay ng paglingon sa akin. He looked intrigued.
"Really? What do you dream of?"
"A sunflower field. It was beautiful. What do you think they mean in my past?"
Hindi agad nakasagot si Stav. Tinignan niya ako na parang malalim ang iniisip. With one firm clench of the jaw, he gathered back his wits.
"Sunflower symbolizes vitality. I think they're telling you to be happy, that you deserve to be happy."
I nodded and then glanced back at the field. Pansamantala akong nalibang roon kaya nang muli akong lumingon kay Stav, ikinabigla ko nang matagpuang kinukuhanan niya ako ng litrato.
"I'm taking a picture of the flowers." Palusot niya.
Pero nang napagtantong hindi ako naniniwala roon, umamin rin.
"And you. Let me get another one. For remembrance." He positioned his camera before me.
"Remembrance, why?"
"Nothing. I just like to take photos of you."
Hindi na ako tumanggi at ngumiti sa harap ng camera. Matapos akong kuhanan, humakbang siya papalapit sa gutter na kinatatayuan ko. Mula sa bulsa niya, inilabas niya ang isang hair clip. He leaned forward and slid it on my hair.
I brought my phone to my face to see how it looked like. It was a golden hairpin.
"It's pretty. What is it for?"
"Wala naman. Just wanted to buy you something."
"Like a sugar daddy?" Biro ko.
"Sugar daddy, photographer, grab driver, manager, boyfriend, kung ano'ng gusto mo, Clem." Tumango tango na lang ito habang tamad na napapangiti.
Dinungaw ko ang mukha nito. He looked so beautiful. The sunrays spilled on his skin and on his honey-drizzled eyes. His brown wavy hair, and his naturally curled lashes, everything about him was ethereal under the late afternoon light that mirrored the hue of sunflowers.
I smiled although a part of me hurt. How could he not be a part of my past? I hope he was a part of my past.
Nagpaalam rin kami sa isa't isa nang malapit na ang susunod kong subject. Pinilit ko pa itong huwag na akong ihatid ulit sa Fine Arts building ngunit hindi siya pumayag at malayo raw iyon upang lakarin ko pa.
Sabado nang plano kong makipagkita ulit sa kaniya ngunit tinawagan ako ni Mama.
"Nakipagkita ka na naman sa lalaking iyon! Hindi mo pa ba hinihiwalayan?!" Sigaw agad ang bungad nito sa akin.
Bumaha ang galit sa dibdib ko. Lihim pala akong binabantayan ng bodyguard ko.
"Sorry, Ma." Iyon na lang ang nasabi ko dahil pagod na pagod na ako.
"I'll break up with him soon, I promise."
"Make sure you do that before our family dinner with the Flavios." Mama warned sternly.
"If you see that boy again, si Julio mismo ang maghahatid sa'yo rito sa Claveria. I'll send you to the States if I have to."
I threw my head back to keep my tears from falling. I hate my mother. I hate my life. I hate how she can be so controlling over a petty thing. Just because she doesn't like Stav's family, she's willing to do anything to keep us apart. How could some people be so fueled with hate to destroy love?
That's when I got so fed up. I've reached my last straw. Inayos ko ang sarili at nagmamadaling bumaba ng unit ko. Nagpaalam ako kay Julio na susunduin ako ni Linn dahil may pupuntahan kami.
Pumayag man ito na huwag na akong samahan, alam kong lihim niya pa rin akong susundan. Tinungo ko ang convenience store sa baba ng building at doon nagpasundo kay Stav. Sinabihan ko itong huwag ng lumabas ng sasakyan at baka makita pa siya.
I patiently waited outside the convenience store. I started to grow uncomfortable because I was only in my lounge pants and it was late at night. Kabado pa ako na baka mahuli kami. Panay ang linga ko sa paligid para sa bodyguard ko.
Nangyari nga ang kinatatakutan ko. Napatalon ako sa gulat nang lapitan ako ni Julio. The tall uniformed man held my arm, making me flinch in agitation. Sinundan ito ni Andres na hinawakan na rin ako.
"What is this, kuya Andres?" Binalingan ko ang nakatatandang lalaki.
"Hindi ho kayo pwedeng lumabas, katatawag lang ni Ma'am Alessandra."
"Okay okay! You don't have to pull me!" I cried in desperation.
I tried wriggling out of their hold but they were strong. Halos iangat nila ako paalis roon. Bumagsak na ang mga luha ko nang hilahin nila ako patungo sa elevator.
They were merciless. I knew they were only following my mother's orders but it was brutal that they wouldn't let me walk on my own. They literally held me like a criminal on loose until I was back in my room.
I collapsed on my bed when they finally let me go. Inayos ko ang buhok at damit kong nagulo kakapiglas sa kanila. Bumabaha ang mga luha ko't nanginginig ang mga daliri nang itext si Stav na huwag ng tumuloy.
Hindi naman ako nagagalit na hindi kami makakapagkita ni Stav ngayon. I'm sure we can find some way another time. I am not a lovesick brat who likes to get her way. What I am mad of is that my mother had complete authority over me because of an unreasonable thing. I hate not having my freedom.
Pilit kong pinanatag ang sarili. Napagdesisyunan kong itulog na lang ang sama ng loob. Minutes died and I was about to drift to sleep when a knock on my door disturbed me.
"Miss Zhalia, may bisita ho kayo." The housekeeper echoed.
Bumalikwas ako ng bangon. My chest rose in anticipation. It must be Stav? I fixed my hair and opened the door.
In the living room, he welcomed me with a warm smile.
"Zhalia," he stood up upon seeing me.
I stopped in my tracks.
"Lyon." My voice did not hide my dismay.
Lyon beamed broadly at me. He carried the same air of lightheartedness and vibrant masculinity. Parang wala siyang problema sa buhay, matingkad ang mga ngiti na mas lalong nagpaguwapo sa kaniya.
As I stood before him, I realized I could never hate him. In fact, I don't hate him at all.
"Hey," Walang kagana gana ang bati ko. Wala na akong enerhiya para magpanggap na masaya.
"I like your house." Iginala niya ang paningin sa paligid.
"It's nothing fancy. Coffee?"
"Sure."
Tutungo na sana ako sa kusina upang ipagtimpla siya ng kape ngunit inagapan niya ang braso ko.
"Not here. I'd like some coffee somewhere else."
"Bawal akong lumabas."
"Pwede kung ako ang kasama mo." He winked mischievously.
Before I knew it, we were inside his Bugatti. Hinayaan lang kami ni Julio nang malamang si Lyon ang kasama ko, marahil nabalaan na ni Mama.
"Pupunta ka ng Claveria bukas?" Lyon started off, his eyes on me while his hand on the steering wheel.
He probably know everything already. About the engagement and all. I felt so ashamed of him. I promised to marry him but here I am, I could not even look him in the eye.
"It's okay if you don't want to.."
"I don't want to talk about it."
Lyon nodded.
"Sorry." Pahabol ko.
I just didn't want to talk about the future--about our engagement that's bound to happen. I don't want to talk about the past either, about all the promises I might have made, about all the memories that we had that I could barely remember.
"It's fine, Lia. Don't feel sorry about how you feel."
Hindi niya na ako muling kinausap buong biyahe. Saka lang ito muling umimik nang huminto kami sa harap ng pamilyar na coffee shop. It was the coffee shop below Stav's building.
"What are we doing here?"
"I told you, I want some coffee."
Tumuloy kami sa loob ng coffee shop kahit pa nakapaskil na ang closed sign roon. The manager only smiled at Lyon, as if she was used to seeing him. Ni hindi sila nagtaka sa pagpasok namin kahit pa sarado na sila.
"I'll stay here for my coffee, Lia. You should go upstairs." Prenteng umupo si Lyon sa isa sa mga upuan.
"What?"
"Doon ka nakatira dati hindi ba? Kunin mo na iyong mga naiwan mong gamit."
"Oh.." Saka ko napagtanto ang nais nito.
"You brought me here so I can get my things."
His brows met, crossed his arms, before nodding to himself.
"Yes, go ahead."
"Thanks."
"Take your time!"
Pumanhik ako patungo sa ikalawang palapag. I pulled the door open to find everything the same except that Stav was in my sofa. My heart leapt inside my ribcage.
He engulfed me in a hug like it was a thing he was programmed to do each time we meet. I inhaled his cool scent and savored the feel of his hard chest on my cheek.
"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?" Tiningala ko ito.
"You said you wanted to see, so..."
"Yes, I did. Pero hindi ako pwedeng lumabas and I told you. Wait--" Napahinto ako sa naisip.
"Kinuntyaba mo ba si Lyon na dalhin ako rito?"
"Uh-huh." He pinched my nose.
"He just dropped you off. Pauwi na raw siya, nagtext sa akin." Balewalang saad ni Stav.
That's too brutal for Lyon's part. I wonder how he felt about that? I don't remember anything but if I agreed to marry him when we were fifteen, we were probably inlove. At ano kayang nararamdaman niya sa lahat ng ito ngayon? Na si Stav ang pinipili ko at tinutulungan niya pa akong makipagkita rito?
Too many thoughts ran in my mind. But I was sure of one thing, I don't want to marry him.
My embrace on Stav tightened. Natatakot akong baka bukas magbago na ang lahat at tuluyan na kaming mapaghiwalay. Natatakot akong hindi ko magawang labanan ang gusto ng pamilya ko.
"May problema ba?" Aniya nang mapansin ang pagkabalisa ko.
Umiling ako.
"Baby G missed you."
"Dinala mo siya?"
Saka ko napansin ang pusa na pumapalibot sa paa ko. Binuhat ko iyon at niyakap.
"I miss you baby." I buried my face on her thick fur.
"Hindi naman ako umalis, Clem. Nandito lang ako noong wala ka."
Kumirot ang dibdib ko roon. I hate to think that when I leave him, he'd still stay here. Inilibot ko ang paningin sa paligid. Walang nagbago roon.
It looked like he really stayed here and maintained the place. By the counter, I noticed for the first time that the house plant he gave me had already sprung.
"Sili pala ito?" I held the small green pepper.
"Obviously."
"Bakit mo naman ako binigyan ng sili?"
"Kasi mahilig kang maglagay ng sili sa mga kinakain mo. You love spicy food."
I smiled because he was right. But I never told him that? Or maybe I did? My mind's a whole mess.
"With this plant, you wouldn't have to go out in the middle of the night or early in the morning when you want to cook something spicy and you don't have a pepper to add to it."
Kay JM niya siguro nalaman iyon. Minsan kasi nanghingi pa ako ng sili sa kanila para lang ihalo sa fried rice na niluto ko. But that's such a pity if I won't get to stay here again.
We settled back to the sofa and snuggled in each others arms. The lights were dim so we bathed in dark blue shadows.
I wish morning would never come. I wish I wouldn't have to go to Claveria tomorrow and discuss about my supposed engagement with Lyon.
"Something's bothering you. Pwede mong sabihin sa akin." Untag ni Stav sa gitna ng pananahimik ko.
But I don't want to burden him. Ayaw ko munang malaman niya na pinagkasundo kami ni Lyon. Gagawan ko muna ng paraan na hindi iyon matuloy.
"I'm scared." Amin ko sa maliit na boses.
"Of what?" Inipit niya ang buhok ko sa likod ng aking tainga at dinungaw ang mukha ko.
"Of them succeeding to keep us apart."
A hearty chuckle vibrated off his chest. His lips were raising when I glanced up at him.
"Why?"
"You used to say you hate me and now you're scared to be away from me." He said it like it was too surreal to him.
We kept on talking softly to each other. We whispered like we're afraid to awaken the wide asleep world, but also because our words only mattered to each other, safe enough to say them in fragile and low volumes.
"Come here." He held my back and laid me beside him.
He was tall for the sofa so half his body leaned on the arm rest while I took refuge on his arms.
"You don't have to worry about anything." He planted a soft kiss on my hair.
"But still, I'm afraid to lose you."
It's funny how I could be so honest with him now. We've only been together for two months but I feel like I've known him for life.
"You won't lose me." He sounded so sure about that.
"They can try to break us apart but we'll always find each other. I'll always find you. And if you don't want me anymore, I won't come after you. But I'll stay to where you can always find me."
His thumb grazed my cheek. With a subtle smile, he continued.
"We're Romeo and Juliet, remember?"
"What?" I couldn't help but laugh at that.
"I don't want us to be Romeo and Juliet. I don't want us to die."
"No, not in Shakespeare's. In Taylor Swift's."
Oh. That made me smile. Romeo and Juliet indeed had a happy ending in that song.
Napaigtad ako mula sa init ng kaniyang yakap nang tumunog ang doorbell. Ginapangan ako ng kaba. Baka ang bodyguard ko iyon. Baka nalaman na narito ako kasama si Stav.
"I'll get it." Stav initiated but I held him down.
"No, ako na."
Kabado kong binuksan ang pinto. Walang tao sa labas. Sa halip, mayroon lamang pamilyar na sobre. I opened it on the doorstep. It was a polaroid photo of a sunflower bottle. May katamtamang laki ang bote sa litrato. Sa loob noon, may sunflower at mga nakatuping pahina ng sulat.
What intrigued me was the folded letter inside the bottle. What message could it possibly hold?
Nang bumalik ako sa tabi ni Stav, ipinakita ko ang polaroid. Ikinwento ko na rin sa kaniya na nakakatanggap ako ng mga ganoon. When the polaroid sparked nothing in my memory, I began to feel frustrated again.
If only I could remember everything, maybe I could fight for us better. Ngunit dahil wala akong naaalala, wala akong pinanghahawakan sa nakaraan. Wala akong magawa kundi magpa-agos sa idinidikta ng pamilya ko, ang maniwala sa mga sinasabi nilang totoo. Pakiramdam ko wala akong laban.
"I wish I could remember Stav."
"You will soon. Don't worry." He messed my hair and tried to make light of the situation.
"How? Ni hindi ko nga alam kung sino'ng nagpapadala ng mga ito. I wish I could at least know who's sending these photos."
"Ako." He said abruptly.
Natawa ako. Nilisan ko ang tabi niya at naupo sa sahig.
"Right. While you're lying beside me, you sent this?"
"Ako nga, Clem. Ayaw pang maniwala." Panunukso nito bago sumunod sa tabi ko.
"Fine, fine. Kung ano'ng gusto mo." I shook my head.
"Can I sleep here?" I laid on the hardwood floor.
"I wouldn't let you sleep in the floor, Zhalia."
Ngumisi ako. I like it when he calls me by my first name. Moreso, by my second. I think whichever rolls of his tongue would be music to my ears.
Nang hindi ako tumalima ay bumuntong hininga ito bago tumungo sa kwarto ko. Dinalhan niya ako ng kumot at inutusang ilatag iyon sa sahig.
"Doon ka na sa kwarto."
"I like it here, Stav. Come, lay beside me." I tapped the vacant space.
Napapailing pa ito nang humiga rin sa tabi ko. I placed my hands on my stomach as I stared on the dark ceiling. I had too much on my mind. I feel like they're about to explode.
"I wish I could remember...everything," I whispered absentmindedly, the desperation was loud in my soft voice.
I curled beside him as he pulled me in his chest. He was my refuge. He was the place I'd run to when everything else drains me, and the place I'd run to just because I needed to feel at home.
"There's my favorite bible verse. Isaiah 60:22. When the time is right, the Lord will make it happen." Mababa ang paos niyang tinig, pinapakalma ako.
I trusted him. I trusted his words. And I prayed to God for everything to fall into place in His time.
"If I ask you about the past, would you tell me about it, Stav?" Pinahina ng pag-aalala at pag-aalinlangan ang boses ko.
Matagal bago niya nakuhang sumagot. Maya maya ay marahan itong tumango. Doon ko napagtantong ayaw niya. Kaya kahit pa gusto kong magtanong, hindi ko na sinubukan.
"Ano'ng gusto mong malaman?" He asked softly.
Umiling ako.
"Nothing. Nothing more. I'm content with the present." I shut my eyes and hugged him.
Sandaling katahimikan ang namalagi sa amin. Kasabay ng pagkabig niya sa ulo ko ay ang pag-awit niya sa mababang tinig.
"Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you." His voice began to lull me into calmness.
"And everything you do. They were all Yellow."
Napangiti ako habang kinakabisa ang ganda ng boses niya sa katahimikan ng gabi. He was singing softly. His voice was deep and shivery, but it sounded too soothing.
Imbes na makatulog, tiningala ko pa ito. I held the curtain of his brown hair and all the high planes of his face in my eyes. If he looked like an angel, then his voice was the symphony of heaven.
I love him so much it hurts. I never know how or when it started. All I knew was that with him, it felt right despite all the wrong. And I needed no memories to be sure of him. I just knew it deep in my heart.
"I love you." The words slipped my mouth effortlessly.
His breathing hitched. Umawang ang labi niya bago mariing napalunok. It's as if his guards all went down with those words. Habang magkalapit ang mga bisig namin, ramdam ko ang pagkabog ng dibdib niya. Nagtatagpo sa iisang musika ang malalakas na pintig ng aming mga puso.
"I'm just sorry that my mom will do everything to break us." I apologized sadly.
Umiling ito at muli akong ikinulong sa kaniyang yakap, pinapatulog na. Tila ayaw na akong mag-alala sa kung ano pa.
"No matter what happens, Clem, you're just you. You're not your family or your mom.." His voice grew weaker by the second.
"You're just you. And I love you too."