Whatever I had expected when I came here, this hadn't been it. Something had just pulled me to Pia's cabin. From the second she walked into the Thompson's kitchen this morning, I had this intense need to hold her. She just looked so vulnerable and sad—so unlike Pia. I had never felt such a pull to wrap somebody up and shield them from the world. The closest was probably when that girl had been mean to Finn.
Now I wasn't sure if my being here was really a help.
What kind of person even watched a movie that made them feel like this? Why didn't she turn it off? Was there a purpose here that I was missing?
I had no fucking clue how to make a girl stop crying. Pia's uncontrollable tears were terrifying, to say the least, and I didn't want to make it worse. I sunk my fingers into her hair and tried to distract her by playing with it. I didn't know if it would help her, but somehow touching her hair soothed me and helped me think.
To my surprise, Pia quieted down a bit and stretched her neck so I had better access. I continued my massage, playing with her hair and trying to ease some of her tension. Finally, the girl in my arms stopped crying altogether and tucked her face into my bicep. An aggressively loud hiccup wracked her body and she flailed from the impact of it. She looked so ridiculous as she convulsed through the hiccups I couldn't stop myself from laughing at her.
"I told you I would cry," she mumbled into my shoulder.
"That wasn't crying," I teased. "That was a fucking exorcism." I probably shouldn't push her at a moment like this, but I had no clue how to be supportive.
"Ha ha," she said dryly as she lifted her face to look at me. I was momentarily stunned by her. The tip of her nose was adorably red and her cheeks were flushed and slightly puffy. Her eyes almost stole the breath right out of me. They reminded me of the lake right after the storm had settled. They were clear, glassy, and so uninhibited that I felt like I could see straight into her soul.
Pia seemed to notice me staring at her because she fell back against the pillow and covered her face. "Don't look at me," she whined, "I know I'm an ugly crier."
Did she seriously think I thought she looked ugly? She looked so damn cute it made my chest hurt. Without even really thinking about it first, I tugged her hands away and said, "Like there is anything you do that is ugly."
That was probably one of the sappiest things that had ever come out of my damned mouth. It seemed to make her happy though because her eyes lit up and her bottom lip pushed forward in a little pout.
I couldn't describe the feelings that were racing through me at that moment. Seeing Pia so sad today had awoken a beast in me I hadn't known existed. He was completely unlike the beasts I was used to. He didn't want to destroy or conquer, he only wanted to see her happy. It had felt so unnatural to see Pia like that, with no fight left in her. I didn't know if I had really helped that much, but now she was smiling. Her warm golden eyes were so content as she stared up at me, it filled my chest with pride.
So many times in my life, I had been at the precipice of action and I hadn't known the right move to make. In those moments, I had trusted my gut and relied on my instincts. So far it had never steered me wrong. So, that's what I did now. I didn't have a clue what to do, but my body seemed to know.
My hand cupped her pink cheek and I swiped the remaining tears away. Her soft skin pulled me in and I dragged my thumb from her cheek, along her jaw, and then finally across her plump lips. I tried to hide my shudder as my calloused thumb scraped her tender skin. I dropped my lips to her forehead and pressed a kiss there. It was such an odd sensation, just like I'd felt on the beach. Like just a tiny kiss was enough. I didn't want or need to push further, I just wanted to somehow comfort her through this contact.
I kissed the tip of her red little nose and bookmarked it in my brain to tease her later and call her Rudolph. I didn't want to ruin the moment but I bet that would get her all riled up. Nothing was sexier than a pissed off little Pia.
Finally, with a small smile at my own hilarious joke, I let my lips press against hers. I was engrossed in the feelings that swelled in my stomach. The smooth brush of her lips against mine sent pure contentment bursting through my chest. I could see myself being with her in ways I had never been with anyone—giving her things I had never given before. The thought of that terrified and excited me in equal measure. But as her lips moved under mine, and her soft, sinful body responded to me, it lulled me into a moment where I felt I could do anything as long as she'd kiss me back like this again.
I realized at that moment I wanted to say something. No, I needed to say something. I needed Pia to know that whatever was happening here, was different than anything I had experienced before. I wanted her to know that as stupid as I was, I knew she was special. I didn't know what I could do or give, but I didn't want her to think I just wanted her body.
I pulled away from the kiss as the words rose in my throat and threatened to burst between us. "Bambi," I whispered as my eyes locked on hers. I tried to say the words that only a second earlier had felt imminently necessary, but now that it was time I froze. What the fuck did I think I was doing? Was I just going to offer her this random babble on a platter and expect her to be happy? What if she laughed and turned me down? Or worse, what if she felt it too?
The consequences of my rash moment of weakness made my throat constrict. Pia was special, too special for me. She was fucking smart as a whip. Not to mention, beautiful and funny. All of the things that I didn't deserve. All of the things that made her worthy of a guy who could give her everything I couldn't. I would be gone in a few months and then what? I'd be going on the road again and she'd stay here. I wouldn't want to hurt her, but I'm sure I would eventually. I always fucked up eventually.
"Tyler?" Pia broke me from my reverie. Her eyes were filled with concern as she reached up to touch my face. Suddenly it felt like her touch would burn me, or more likely, force me to blab everything I could never say.
I sat up quickly and swung my legs over the side of the bed. My face was burning up as I pushed my hair away to try and focus. My throat was so tight it felt like I'd choke if I didn't get fresh air soon.
"I'm sorry, Pia," I said and winced at how sharp my voice was. I didn't even have the balls to look at her as I added, "I have to go." Before I could change my mind, I left.
I sucked in the cold night air as I rushed back to the Thompson's house. A haphazard plan formed in my mind as I stormed up the steps and through the backdoor. I winced when the door slammed a little too harshly but I raced up to my room without looking back.
Within minutes I had my bag on the bed and was stuffing my clothes into it. It wouldn't take me long to pack everything but I still needed to book a flight. Screw O'Hara for being such a tiny ass town. They probably wouldn't have any outgoing flights until morning.
"Going somewhere?" a quiet voice asked from the doorway.
"Twyla," I said but it came out almost like a plea. "Trust me, you're going to want me gone."
"Oh?" she hummed nonchalantly as she made herself comfortable on my bed. "Why is that?" Her x-ray mom-eyes bore through me and before I even opened my mouth, I knew she knew. She raised her eyebrow and waited for me to say it.
"Well," I cleared my throat and rubbed my jaw. "I—uh—guess you know that something has been going on with Pia and me."
Twyla's lip twitched but she regained her composure. "Yes," she nodded, "I'm not blind and subtly is not your strong suit."
"Right-" a small smile tugged at my lips but it disappeared with what I had to say next. "I have to go. She warned me that this would get messy and as usual, she was right. I messed it all up I think. Or if I didn't, then I'm going to. She's your family so I know obviously, you guys are going to side with her—as you should. So it's just easier if I leave. No one's going to want me here by morning."
Twyla waited patiently until I was done rambling. Her face was impassive and it felt like my heart was beating in my throat as I waited for her to agree with me. I had always been grateful for Twyla's acceptance of me, but it wasn't until now that I truly realized its value. Of course, now that it was about to be taken back.
"Tyler," Twyla said slowly. "You are right, Pia is our family." My stomach plummeted to my feet and the back of my eyes burned—but then she continued. " But so are you."
I looked back at her to see her watching me with watery eyes. I opened my mouth to speak but words escaped me. "But—" I croaked.
Thankfully, Twyla held up her hand for me to stop because I didn't have anything else to say. "Hunny, I don't know everything that happened in your childhood, but Scotty has given me some information. I won't presume to understand everything, but if you'd let me, I'd like to make a few things clear."
She waited for me to respond and I was thrown with her request. What did my childhood have to do with all of this? Curious, confused, and a little apprehensive, I nodded for her to go on.
"Tyler, I know that you got bounced around a lot and that breaks my heart. I'm going to assume you aren't close with any of those people who you lived with since you are with us most holidays. I think that might have confused you a bit about what it means to be family."
I watched Twyla speak without even breathing. Everything she said was spot on. I was so caught up with her words that I just stood in the middle of the room like a statue with a shirt limp in my hands.
"Families fight and they even hurt each other sometimes," Twyla continued. "Don't get me wrong, if you upset Pia, that of course upsets me. Just the same as if Pia hurt you, that would hurt me. But nobody is getting kicked to the curb because of it. We are your family Tyler, that means whether you like it or not, you are stuck with us."
She was so firm and sure of herself, I couldn't help but believe her. This went against everything I'd ever experienced though. For my entire life, people had pushed me from one place to another. The second I became too much work for them, or I messed up and pissed them off, it would be off to a new home.
Twyla's omniscient ability to cut right to my soul and tell me exactly what I needed to hear absolutely floored me. I dropped the shirt on the ground and barreled toward her. She laughed lightly, like once again she had read exactly what was in my heart, and opened her arms. I dropped to my knees on the edge of the bed and let her hug me. Even being a quarter my size, she somehow enveloped me in motherly love. Her small arms cradled my head as she rocked slightly until my heart rate returned to normal.
"So what do I do?" I asked as I pulled away. I stayed on my knees as if I could literally beg her to solve my problems.
"I don't know exactly what's going on with you and Pia," Twyla mused, "but I do know you can't just run from it. For starters, you'd leave some very sad people behind if you left early."
"But Twyla," I huffed, "I can't do—whatever it is we've been doing—anymore. It's not fair to her. How do we go back to normal after we've... crossed lines?"
Twyla pushed a few loose strands of hair out of her face and took a deep breath. I thought this might be the moment she finally turned on me, but instead, she just shrugged. "You just do," she said simply. "If you really can't do it anymore, then you don't. I think you just need time to process everything and knowing my niece, she does too. Maybe just take a few days to cool off and see what happens. You and Pia are both a part of our family, so eventually you're going to have to figure it out."
I had so many questions about everything she just said but Twyla never gave me a chance to ask them. She patted my cheek then stood from the bed and crossed the room to the door.
"Tyler?" Twyla said as she stopped at the door. "I don't want you to feel any pressure. But for what it's worth when I watch you and Pia together—even through all of the bickering—I can't help but think you're really good for each other."
She left me then, stunned and silent on my bed. It wasn't hard to think of how Pia might be good for me, but how could I be good for her?
I put my packed suitcase in the closet and decided to sleep on my decisions. Just looking at the duffle bag sent me spiralling down an uncomfortable series of memories I'd tried hard to bury deep. I closed my door rather than face the memories and flopped down on my bed, absolutely sure I was in for a sleepless night.
My eyes flicked back and forth between the ceiling and the closed closet door. Stress tugged at the frayed edges of the long-repressed memories. They taunted me and made me doubt Twyla's words.
I closed my eyes and remembered all of the nights I had laid awake with a duffle bag packed and ready to leave. They were always the most sleepless nights. I never knew for sure where I would be going since no one ever bothered to tell me. All I knew was that they were done with me. Sometimes I'd go back to my mom, or sometimes she'd already had a new arrangement set up.
It was always a different reason, but the point was the same—I wasn't welcome. Once it had been because the relative who took care of me got pregnant, so she didn't want me anymore. Another time my mom stopped sending the government cheques so they sent me back. Then I broke a window by accident when I was ten. After I'd had the shit beaten out of me it was right back to mother dearest.
I scrubbed my hand across my face as though I could cleanse my mind of the past. I hated thinking about that shit. It made me feel weak and small, just like I'd been as a kid. Except that I wasn't a kid anymore and Twyla had promised my place in her family wasn't contingent on anything.
I stared at the closet and willed myself to get up and unpack. To trust her words and let myself be a part of something.
How could I stay after everything that happened between Pia and me? Was it really possible to go backward? I had kissed her, felt her body, held her in my arms. Now I was supposed to just pretend I hadn't? The temptation felt like it would be way too strong. How could I see her every day and not do anything?
Yet I knew that was what I had to do. I had to resist the temptation to keep this thing going with Pia. The lines had been blurred just like she'd said they would. If we kept going, I was sure to say or do something I'd regret. I just couldn't be good for her. My lifestyle and job wouldn't allow it.
I'd seen some of the other Goon Riders get locked down with women. They were happy at first, but long hours on the road always ruined it. We lived a life of bullshit and revelry. Women threw themselves at us after every show. The booze and partying made it hard for even the most dedicated guys to stay chaste.
I'd been in the room a few times as they had begged their women back home for forgiveness. At the time, I'd scoffed and told them they were idiots for even having girlfriends to begin with. Now though, I pictured Pia on the phone with me. Crying her eyes out because I betrayed her trust. Just the thought of it twisted my gut. I pictured Finn, finally seeing me for the piece of shit I am rather than a hero.
I stared at the closet door for what felt like hours, trying to will myself to unpack. Finally, I rolled over on my side and refused to look back. I couldn't decide yet. I didn't trust that everyone would still want me here after they found out I'd dipped on Pia. When their tolerance for my bullshit faded, they'd want me gone. The temptation that Twyla was telling the truth made me stay, but my experience with reality didn't allow me to unpack.
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Thanks for reading! I hope you liked this little insight into Tyler's life and his feelings about Pia. If you did please vote!
Also, HUUUUUGE thank you to toriatobin for basically co-writing this chapter with me. Basically, anything here that is beautifully and poetically written, you can assume it was her. Check out her stories for more wonderful writing!
- El