**
"Let's wrap up for today. Good job everyone."
Director Kim almost shouts. People give each other " good job today" and I start toward the first row of seats down the stage to grab my backpack and sweater when director Kim adds
"Just don't leave, you all remember that tonight we are going for a drink since this week went so well."
Ah! I almost have forgotten tonight's plan and here I thought I have the rest of the day for myself to hide in my room and daydream while humming a gloomy tune. During this past week all I did was; show up, practice, and leave. I didn't communicate much with the crew and even during our scenes with a specific someone, I acted as Tae Su perfectly while constantly avoiding his eyes. I was panicked last week after the rehearsal, I had to be since I couldn't describe or even understand the change I was going through. I've never been attracted to another human being. Not mentally, emotionally, or physically. Nothing. I mean I like beauty in all capacities, I like girls with messy hair and I like lost pets but not once in my life I was this drawn to someone else. This strong pull toward another one, is shaking the ground I'm walking like an earthquake and I'm well aware that I'm losing my footing, my sense of balance. The funny part is that him, being a man is not scary for me, the scary part is that he is getting so much power over me without even realizing it. The scary part is that he can see through me and not get scared by what he sees. I have barely dated since we are prohibited from practicing sexual desires based on the contract and there are severe restrictions. I've never entertained that idea simply because I saw it too much hassle and adult videos have been my companions for so long. Yet it never occurred to me that another man can be enticing till I met him and I can't even point on how and to what extent I'm interested in him? Is it physical? I don't think so, but there is no doubt I want to talk to him all day and I want him to listen to my nonsense and when I'm laying down on my sofa watching a good movie I think about Dae Sung and how he would interpret this scene or things like that. Granted I'm an oblivious bastard according to Hyung but when it comes to a self-awareness I don't fight myself for too long. That's why when I realized there is something slightly different with Dae Sung, I accepted it after the initial panic and rendering for a while, even though I know it would be painful to harbor such strong feelings for a fellow worker who happens to be a man in this industry and that it cannot end well and it has to go to the same vault I buried all other aspects of my life to be an Idol. But that doesn't mean I would let go of my selfish desire to be by his side and seek his approval. I simply cherish the moments spent with him even if it's filled with companionable silence. But then again after hearing his idea of me, I thought I don't need more confusion going on in my life, I have enough on my plate already. That's what I keep telling myself. But it's damn hard when I'm this desperate to talk to him even if it means being subjected to his condescending behavior. But No. No. No. Stay far, far away. As much as possible. Nipping at the sweater in my hand I look for a way out. I find my phone in the backpack ignoring all the fuss about the outing to call Hyung. He picks up finally
" Did you finish your practice?"
My eyes roam around the room, location him standing next to a crew member and Mrs. Han talking and laughing
"Yes. The crew wants to go for a drink. I wasn't sure if it's ok to..."
He cuts me off "Are they getting a private room? In that case, it's ok to go. In fact, it's good, go get some fresh air and don't make any trouble. I'm still trying to get rid of the problem at hand. Shit has hit the fan."
His tone is gravely and edgy and I sense that he has just finished an outrageous breakdown with someone. Poor bastard.
"What problem?"
He gives out a shaky breath
"You haven't seen the news yet? You really work hard. Huh!"
I find it offensive that he thinks my hardworking attitude is new and surprising but I let it slide since there seems to be an important matter going on.
"No. I told you. We just wrapped up for today. Haven't had time to check my messages."
I indicate. He huffs
" It's Ji Yoon. He is all over the news. His relationship with a woman has been speculated. It's a mess at the company. The president is pissed and netizens are busting the internet over it. " He explains.
"But it's always the case. Speculation and then company denial. No? " I say confused.
"This time is different. It's not speculation anymore. It's a confirmed affair with a divorced woman 13 years older than him. He didn't even deny it and plainly accepted it on a live video. Can you believe that? Putting your band in this compromising situation is so selfish of him. I've had a headache since this morning. And I always thought you were the troublemaker, who would've thought you would be the obedient hardworking one when a quiet mouse-like Ji Yoon rose a hell like this."
His words bring an odd buried rage out of me that could burn a building. But before I burst into flames his defeated voice runs through the phone
"Listen! Go have the drink with your coworkers. Act normal. It's good for people to see you work hard and spend time with a theatre group. It'll help you make a build-up for later promotions. And also, is good for you to be out of the chaos for now. Get a cab to get home after the party and don't drink too much. I have to go."
He gives orders then hangs up without waiting for my response. Ji Yoon is the youngest of our group's members. He is bright, funny, and easy-going, he doesn't talk much but when he does, it manages to bring laughter out of you. I feel bad for the pressure he is going through. Hyung doesn't have the right to criticize him like that, to accuse him of being selfish. He will be severely punished by the company and people. Is that really the price of being in love? Is he even in love? I don't know the details but I guess he doesn't joke around. They probably will make him take back what he's said and issue an official apology letter. I've written a few of those letters myself. And writing each one of them just for saying or doing something. unconventional' in their eyes was like swallowing gravel since I know I was doing what I've been told for such petty matters when I was the one being wronged. Thinking about those forced letters, my fingers call Ji Yoon's number while I hear one of the crew yelling
"Everyone ready to leave? Some of us are waiting at the entrance. "
With that I start to the exit door, waiting for Ji Yoon to pick me up. After a few seconds, he picks up
"Hyung Nim. You called"
I feel guilty for not talking to him for so long. He inhales
"But it's good you called. You must have heard the news."
Walking down the hall behind the group of people excitedly talking of the night ahead of us I utter
"Yeah. Is Hyung Joon Woo giving you a hard time?"
His voice holding a joking edge reaches me
"He is still yelling in the leaving room"
How can he be full of energy when the world around him seems to be turning upside down?
"I think I can hear him."
I joke terribly but he laughs at it anyway. I pause then add awkwardly
"Are you ok? I mean do you feel all... I can ditch the crew here and come to see you...I want to see you. We can sneak out like old times."
I'm so bad at comforting and it makes me flustered when I fail to help my friends feel supported. I scratch my head noticing we've reached the parking lot. It's the last chance to bail on the drinking night plan. He comes to the rescue finally
"No. It's better not to be spotted around the dorm for the time being. It's bad enough we are all trapped here because of me, now that you have your own place stay away from the war zone for a while till things get settled. I will be toasted if you get into trouble with Hyung Joon Woo. You've got a good thing going on and we have some time to overcome this and aim for a fiery comeback."
I don't know how he is so sane about this whole shenanigan but that admiring side of him has been hidden under his goofy personality.
"Ok. Then! Let's meet soon. You know you can come to me anytime. Call me when you get a chance to escape. and don't let Hyung know I called. I'll be damned."
He laughs again.
"I won't. Take care of yourself. I have to go save the boys from being roasted for letting me slip from under their nose!"
"Ok. Go."
I hang up with a grimace on my face. people are getting into cars and some are booking taxis. Mrs. Su the director's assistant waves for me
"Are you coming? You should come with us in the director's car. We have an available seat."
I look up still holding tight on the phone like the last ray of hope to be rescued.
"I'm not sure. One of my friends needs me so I was..."
I get cut off by a gruff Voice "No he doesn't. He said himself."
I turn around to catch Dae Sung's glare at me. Was he eavesdropping just now that I was on the phone? He answers my unasked question nonchalantly
"I happened to hear. And also, I heard the news about your bandmate, everyone in backstage is talking about it. If you bothered enough to mingle with us, ordinary boring people you would know."
Wow! That's a spear aimed right at my heart and it hurts as it should. I fight the urge to spit cruel words at him but nothing comes to mind. Without answering, I turn away from his smirk to Mrs. Su.
"Then I'll come with you."
She brightens up "Great"
*