Y/N's POV:
I awoke dripping in sweat, thrashing my legs underneath the comforter. Over the past few nights, I had been having dreams and nightmares of the events that happened that night.
A constant reminder of the things I could've done to prevent my mistake.
That's how I see it.
My mistake.
Guilt flowed through me the moment I stepped out of my room or pulled the earbuds from my ears. The only two things that were keeping me sane the past few days.
My escape from the burdening thoughts and visions of the night it all went wrong.
I couldn't remember much from that night after I was carried out of the lab, but Tony told me he didn't know how I got back. Security photos and videos had been erased.
Like nothing happened.
Blurs of moments appeared and disappeared the past few days. I kept sticky notes on walls with jumbled thoughts to attempt to re-jog my memory.
The only thing that was clear as day was that she was gone.
Never coming back.
I would never hear the sounds of her laughter or appreciate just how much she did for us on our own. Her smile, as bright as the sun always showing.
Now it was just a vague recollection of the one person they knew was my weakness.
I confined myself to the dark corners of my room the moment I got back. Not being able to bear or comprehend how I was supposed to feel.
I ate only when necessary for my survival, showered when the smell became unbearable and took little pride in my appearance or need for basic hygiene.
I hadn't cried since the lab, and no matter how hard I tried to tell myself that it wasn't my fault or, however, many times, everyone around me tried to convince me, it was no use. Thor often tried to come to my door, but I always saw his shadow leave the moment he was about to knock. He knew I needed space and time.
I felt responsible.
Not only for the fact she was gone but the fact that Bucky was now gone too. I couldn't bring myself to think of what he'd done. Although not in full control of his mind, part of me hoped he would snap out of it.
It was my fault for taking on this mission with little to no experience and with someone, I hardly knew. We were both there for different reasons.
I needed to get my mom back.
He just needed to get out of Stark Tower.
Although I didn't want to blame him for my mother's death, the little voice inside my head continuously tried to tell me otherwise.
Crawling back into the now dry sheets, I felt weak. I felt as though I was reacting exactly how they expected me to, proving them right.
They held all the power right now, and I wasn't going to let them. After the funeral tomorrow, things were going to be different.
I knew I could've done more, yet I let them toy with my emotions. They knew how to get to me, and I know it was all just part of the plan.
She wasn't supposed to die but, to them, she was just collateral damage.
************
Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped the towel over my head and began getting ready. I slipped on a black dress that fell to just above my knees and placed some black heels on my feet.
My mother would hate it if I hadn't put myself together for the funeral. She was a woman of class.
I finished getting ready before grabbing a small sweater that matched my dress and heading out of my room.
Once I rounded the corner to the living area, I saw Tony standing at the bar preparing a drink and Thor grabbing a coat off the rack. They told me yesterday that they had set up the funeral by a river surrounded by mountains. Only a few people would be coming, including us three but, I told everyone else not to come.
They didn't know her, so they shouldn't have to feel obligated to.
I pulled out Ziploc from one of the drawers in the kitchen, stuffing it in my pocket before walking towards Tony.
"You ready?" he said as the corners of his mouth slowly turned upward into a smile.
He knew what it was like losing a parent as he had lost both of his as well, which reminded me.
Will my dad be there?
I smiled briefly and nodded as I pulled the sweater over my shoulders and began walking towards the elevator. When it opened, Thor pointed his arm in its direction, letting me walk in first, then he and Tony followed close behind.
Once in the elevator, Tony pressed the ground button and down we went.
I watched as the levels flew in front of us. Constantly telling myself I should get out and run away.
But I couldn't.
I had to be there for the ceremony to drop her ashes. She would have been there for me.
When the doors opened, the lobby was quiet. Only a few receptionists at each desk tapping on their keyboards, but besides them, it was completely still.
"I had the lobby cleared, so there wasn't anyone in your way." Tony smiled.
"Thanks." I gave a small smile back, but I really wanted to get in the car and leave. If there had been people in the lobby, it would've been a small distraction for the silent car ride ahead.
*****************
I heard the sound of the door open as we slowly came to a stop.
We had arrived.
They both got out of the car, one after the other, holding the door open for me at the end. The light from the sun stung my eyes as they adjusted to the brightness around me. I put my hand above my eyes, shielding them as I looked around.
People stood around a table that supported the urn. Few I recognized, but the rest I didn't know. My mother's friends stood at the front of the table, welcoming me into a warm embrace.
"We're so sorry, sweetheart," she said as her arms wrapped around me.
"Thank you," I said, returning the gesture.
When I pulled away, Steve and a few others approached me, offering a hug and their condolences.
I looked around, part of me hoping he would show up and another half hoping he wouldn't. I took one last look around and knew he wasn't here.
Of course, you wouldn't show up, dad.
A tall man dressed in black came towards me as I walked towards the table.
"Your father sends his apologies, but he can't make it today."
"I expected as much."
I pushed past him biting back tears as I held up her urn. I opened it, pulling the small Ziploc from in my pocket, pouring a small amount of the ashes inside. I had been hoping to send it away to be turned into a crystallized necklace to keep with me.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before picking up the urn once more. Walking towards the water, a few people followed before stopping at the edge.
I turned the lid opening the jar. I placed my hand in and took a handful of the ashes, throwing them into the lake water.
I watched as, with each throw, the powder slowly began to disintegrate into the water. Before I could realize it, I could see in my reflection on the surface of the lake that tears had streamed down my face as I placed the lid back onto the urn.
I stood there for a few moments until the weight of the urn became too heavy in my arms, and I turned to place it back onto the table.
The moments after that were a blur. I couldn't focus on the speeches people were making and their jokes to brighten the mood.
I pretended to laugh and smile, pushing back the pain I felt in my heart.
I stood beside Thor and Steve as the few final people finished their speeches. I kicked rocks in the sand and fidgeted with my fingers, hoping this day would soon be over.
"Lady Y/N, if it's not too much trouble, I was hoping to ask you something." I heard Thor say in a voice barely over a whisper.
"What is it?"
"Mother and father want to have a ceremony for your mother back on Asgard. They wish for you to come, but if you're too overwhelmed with what's going on here, you are in no way obligated to."
I took a moment to think.
Do I really want to attend another ceremony of people who have probably never really known my mother, much less actually want to be there? It would just be a day full of endless forced apologies and me counting down the minutes till its end.
I knew his mother and mine had been close and that she might need this for closure.
"Thor, it's for my mom. I have to go."
"Alright, we leave tomorrow if that works for you."
"Okay."
It seemed like this was how my life was going to be for the next little while. Including myself in distraction after distraction, hoping that one day it would just be easier to bear.
For now, I was going to hide it the best I could.
Thor held out his arm for me as we walked back towards the car. I was disappointed that my father didn't show up, but then again, he's never shown up for anything in my life, so what would make this time any different.
I pulled the sweater closer around myself and sat back down on one of the leather seats.
"I'm not going to give you some fake half-ass speech about how life is going to get better and things are gonna be okay," Tony started, "cause I know first-hand things will never be the same. You'll never feel the same, you'll never act the same, and you'll go through life with a completely different view of it. You'll be more careful and think more strategically, and constantly think back on what you assume was your fault.
It wasn't your fault, and you know that. You're trying to place the blame on yourself because it's the only thing keeping you from getting mad at other people. You don't want to get mad. You know why? Because you're afraid that anyone is at risk now. Your mom was the one person who you knew would never leave your side because she's stuck through everything: fights, arguments and tears. Now that's she's gone, you can't risk losing other people. You can't risk being alone. As much as you don't want to admit it, life's gonna be hard, and you don't want to put that pressure on other people at the risk of them bolting.
I'm here to tell you that you're not alone anymore, you have us, and I will not leave your side. You don't have to pretend you're okay because most of the time, none of us are. Most of the time, one of us is breaking down, and the other is in the hospital almost dead, but we don't give up on each other. We're a team. We push through, and we're here for you. You're one of us now."
I was at a loss for words. He took the thoughts from my brain and had formed them into perfectly thought-out sentences that described how I felt.
I smiled as he then pulled me into an embrace as well.
"Well, if we're all giving hugs, then I suppose it's my turn," Thor shouted.
*************
I threw my coat over the chair as I headed back towards my room. When I finally clasped the handle in my palm, all of my emotions I tried to hide resurfaced.
I slammed the door shut quickly before locking it.
My body slid slowly down against its hard surface as I placed my hand in my mouth, trying to stifle the sound of my own cries.
Tears blinded my vision before I finally blinked, allowing them to fall down my face.
I clutched the space over my heart as my insides felt like they were tearing slowly.
I hadn't let myself be upset.
I punished myself for what happened and wouldn't let anyone tell me otherwise, but the overwhelming pain was finally catching up to me.
I sat there for a few moments staring into the darkness of the room before pushing myself up from the ground.
This is what they want. This is what they want.
I told myself over and over in my head until it felt like brainwash.
I wiped the tears from my face and walked over to the bathroom. I turned on the sink and cupped water in my hands before splashing it over myself.
I grabbed a towel from one of the sink drawers and dried my face off while walking back towards the bed.
I threw the towel into the laundry basket by the closest before peeling off the sheets and getting into bed.
Tomorrow was going to be a long day.
I forced myself to get up from my bed and attend breakfast. I needed to get back in the habit of living as everyone else did.
As I walked into the room, the only people that occupied the now empty space were Thor and Wanda.
"Where is everyone?" I asked.
"They're out doing something for Tony," Wanda replied before walking to my side. "I'm really sorry about your mom Y/N. I know how difficult it is losing the most important people around you."
"Thank you."
"And you don't always have to be the stronger person. It's okay to let yourself have bad days." she smiled.
I returned the gesture.
"Ah lady Y/N, I'm glad you're up; there's a note here left for you by 'A,'" Thor announced.
"Oh great." I mumbled, "the 'Great Augustus' must be seeking my presence." I finished tearing open the seal.
It read:
Dear Y/N,
The Lotus Leaf, today at noon.
Augustus
"Thor, what time are we leaving?"
"Around one o'clock."
"Good, we're going to need to make a pitstop beforehand."
"What for?"
"My father. I need to meet him at noon."
"I didn't know you and your father spoke."
"We don't. He only speaks to me when it's of use to him." I said, grabbing a coat from the rack. "Let's go."
I walked out of the front lobby as Thor followed close behind. Whistling for a taxi, I grabbed Thor's wrist as I pulled him closer to the edge of the bike lane, practically standing in the middle of the street.
"Why aren't we taking one of Stark's limos?" he questioned.
"Because last time I parked a car to meet my dad, someone crawled into my backseat and kidnapped me. Seeing as you will not be joining me at the restaurant, I'm not taking any chances."
"Why will I not be joining you?"
"You're going to wait in the taxi a block away, okay?"
"I don't think it's wise you going by yourself but alright."
"I'll be fine. Now get in."
We quickly jumped into the taxi as it came to a quick stop. "William Street, please," I said before the man drove the taxi back onto the road.
Once I made it to the Lotus Leaf cafe, I looked around the back tables before my eyes landed on a middle-aged man dressed in black as always.
I walked over to his table, stopping behind the chairs as he lifted his head to look at me.
"Nice to see you have time for coffee but not for a funeral," I said, throwing my coat on the chair next to mine before sitting down. "Funny how you have a man to do everything for you; I'm surprised you didn't have one play house for our family."
"Y/N, you're blowing things out of proportion. Your mother and I are not married, and we haven't talked in years. I have my own family to take care of."
As much as I hated it he was right but, If he wanted to act like strangers, then that's how I would play.
"Let's just drop this useless argument and get on with why you wanted me here."
"I know you're angry with me, but this is important, and it's something that can't wait."
I stayed silent as he carried on.
"Your mother's death was done for a reason-"
And that's where my patience fell short.
"You just realized that? Did you come here to waste my time telling me something I already knew? Well, thanks for the fucking clue, Sherlock. I think you cracked the case. Now, if you don't mind, I'd rather spend my time banging my head against a wall than sit here with you." I said before moving to get up and leave.
"No, wait, Y/N, let me finish-"
"Augustus, you've made it perfectly clear that you only focus on the things that affect you or benefit you and nothing else. Did you know what happened after we went for coffee? Why I didn't contact Nick Fury?"
He shook his head
"I was too busy being kidnapped. I had a gun held to my head as they pulled out of my car and then tortured me for two days. You had no idea because it didn't affect you. Well, guess what? They want something that you have, so either you tell me what it is or leave. I'm done being a pawn in your game."
"It's not that simple. It's not the right time. Everything I've done would be worthless-"
"They took my mother from me. I deserve to know what they wanted that you took."
"All I can tell you is that I took something from them a long time ago, and it was for the greater good. That's as much as I can give you for now. There's not much else to say."
"Then I guess you've already made up your mind. Goodbye, Augustus." I sat up and pulled my jacket off the chair as I turned to leave. I didn't bother looking back because I know what I would've seen.
A man with too much pride who can't seem to step off the pedestal he put himself on. I wasn't interested in what he had to say. It was nothing I couldn't find out from someone else. So, when I get back from Asgard, I'm going to need to visit Fury.
I stormed out of the cafe and quickly jogged back to the taxi.
"How'd it go?"
"Frustrating. It was a waste of time."
He patted my shoulder as he told the driver to let us off at the next stop sign.
When we were sure that we were far enough away from anyone around us, Thor called up to the sky. "HEIMDALL" and the same rainbow tunnel of colour engulfed us in its light.
We were greeted at the Bifrost by none other than Heimdall himself.
"M'lady, Thor." he greeted, bowing.
I curtsied slightly before having Thor grab hold of my arm, dragging me away. Horses had been stationed just outside of the golden orbs entrance to take us down the rainbow bridge to the city.
I grabbed hold of the saddle and hoisted myself up as Thor grabbed hold of his.
"Ready?"
I nodded.
I lifted the reins, urging the horse to go, and we were off.
Once we made it to the edge of the city, we dismounted the horses and handed them to one of the guards stationed at the posts of the entrance.
We walked through the curved stone streets until we made it to the steps of the castle.
"Y/N!" I heard someone scream from a long hallway. Before I knew it, I was wrapped in someone's arms. "It's so good to see you!" they said.
After brushing my hair out of my face and pulling myself free from their grasp, I could finally see the outlines of her face. Sif.
I gave her a friendly smile and hugged her once more. "You too."
"I know you've probably heard this a million times, but I'm really sorry about your mom. If there's anything, I can do to take your mind off it, ask. Okay?"
"Thanks."
"Now come one; the boys have been waiting for you guys to come since we heard yesterday, but first, let's get your dressed."
We set off through the castle until we made it to my room. Unlocking the door and stepping inside, it looked the same. The bed and nightstands still stood in their normal places, as did everything else.
She rummaged through the closet picking out a purple dress before handing it to me to change into.
Once changed, she linked her arm in mine and set off at a fast pace towards the courtyard at the other end of the castle.
Practically tripping over my own feet multiple times before getting there, we finally made it. A gust of wind brushed past my face as I stepped into the light on the steps.
The smell of roses and daffodils clouded my mind as we walked past the garden. Voices of maids and servants were heard behind me as they slowly became silent the further from the castle we moved.
We walked down one of the paths of the garden before the area of grass that we had trained on came into view.
There stood Hogun, Fandral and Volstagg. Hogun and Fandral were in the middle of a duel while Volstagg stood to watch.
"Boys! Look who just arrived," she shouted from beside me.
They all simultaneously turned around to look at us.
"Y/N," they shouted, "come on over here."
We headed towards them, passing a few of the smaller boys training amongst their friends.
"It's good to see you alive and well," Volstagg said.
"You too."
"Dare to challenge one of us to a duel?"
"Sure."
I took one of the extra swords that had been lying around beside us and moved to stand in position.
Fandral unsheathed his sword and moved toward his end of the imaginary arena. Once in our battle stances, I heard Volstagg call from the sidelines.
"And the battle begins...... now!"
Once we heard the signal to go, Fandral came charging towards me, sword raised. He thrusted the sword to the right of my shoulder as I blocked it with mine. We went back and forth between blocks and swings until he started to get impatient.
As I turned to jab it towards him, he hooked his leg through mine and jabbed my left shoulder, almost knocking me to the ground before catching me.
"I learned a few moves while you were away," he said, winking towards me.
Always such a flirt.
I dropped my left hand to the ground steadying myself with my sword in the other. With my right foot, I swung as hard as I could, knocking the back of his heels forward and his body backwards.
"Not well enough," I said before plunging my sword into the ground beside him.
"I see you've done some training while you were away," he said, brushing the grass and dirt from his behind.
"Only a little."
I turned to the others as Sif and Hogun began a battle of their own. "I'm going to the library. I'll catch up with you guys," I said before heading in the other direction.
I lifted my dress as I walked back up the stairs and into the corridors. Admiring the many designs on the ceilings and walls.
After walking upstairs and through many hallways, I finally rounded the corner leading to the library doorway.
Placing my hands on its wooden surface, I held the knob in my hand and turned it slowly as I pushed it open.
My head down as I walked inside, I lifted it to see the same room I had been to many times before.
The fireplace always lit, as the wood burned above red, hot embers—the couch and chairs in their normal arrangement in front of it.
As I walked down one of the rows of shelves on my side, I let my hand glide against the spines of each novel.
The smell of old paper and wood surrounded the room.
I put my hand against the railing of the spiral staircase as it guided me to the second level. Once at the top, I moved to the section of books I had not had the time to skim through during my last visit.
My hand stopped upon a smaller older book that had cracks and small rips in its spine. Pulling it out and brushing the dust from the pages on top and its cover, I brought it over to the small reading nook that had been unnoticeable from its hidden location.
I lifted a pillow putting it behind me as I slipped the sandals from my feet and curling up on the soft cushions. Before I could open the cover, a voice from behind me said:
"You've been here all of thirty minutes and have already isolated yourself in this library."
I turned to see Loki standing meters away, his hands crossed against his chest as he leaned against one of the bookshelves. A devilish smile plastered across his face.
"What do you want?"
"I live here. I can do as I please."
"How did you find me here?"
"I've been here the entire time. If your head weren't so lost in your imagination, you would've seen me standing at a bookshelf you passed on the way up here."
I frowned, turning back to the book on my lap.
"Well, that's no way to greet someone, is it?" he said, pouting sarcastically.
"I wish to be alone."
"As I said before. I live here. I do as I please."
"Then do you mind wasting someone else's time?"
"Why the change in attitude? Last time we were alone together, you were practically throwing yourself at me."
"That's a lie." I could feel my cheeks start to turn red as my face began to heat up. If it hadn't been for the darker lighting in the room, he would've seen my flushed face.
"Oh, but is that really what you think? I could've sworn I had you wrapped around my finger the moment my hand touched your-"
"Leave me alone."
"Oh, but we were getting to the good part. Why don't we play a game? Games are fun." he said as he plopped himself down on the chair beside the window.
"I'm not interested in playing a game Loki. I'm preoccupied at the moment." I finished gesturing to the book I began to open once more.
He reached over and pulled it from my grasp, and placed it on a shelf too high for me to reach.
"Let's play truth or dare."
"There's only two of us."
"And?"
"You're supposed to play with more people."
"I'll start, truth or dare?"
I stared at him for a few moments before answering, "truth."
"How's your dad? Is he well?" he laughed.
"Quit being a jackass."
"I'll take that as yes. Your turn."
"Truth or dare?"
"Dare."
"I dare you to leave me alone."
"Such a party pooper. Do you ever have fun?"
I didn't answer.
"Truth or dare?"
"Dare."
"I dare you to kiss me."
"No."
"Fine, then I dare you to a battle. I've seen you train with your friends, and you're not half bad."
"I'm not fighting you."
"Why? Afraid I'll win? Don't worry, darling; I'll go easy."
"No."
"Then it's settled then. Meet me in the training room in 10," he said before looking me up and down. "And you might want to change."
After I left the library, I headed down to the armoury to find something more suitable to wear. The armoury had a small hallway that connected the training room and itself for easier access.
I put on a tight-fit t-shirt and leggings that were a thicker material than normal. I grabbed a dagger from the rack, slipped it into a sheath on my thigh, and grabbed a sword to place on my waist.
Tying my hair up, as I walked through the hallway, I could see the room come into view. It had four walls of dark stone and standard training mats that lined the floor.
I stepped onto the mats as I made my way to the circle in the middle.
I could hear his footsteps behind me.
Without turning around, his figure slowly took the position in front of me. I could see the two long daggers he held in his hand.
"Ready?"
"I have a request."
"Oh? and what's that?"
"If I win, I want you to help me train. If you win... I'll do your childish dare."
"Tempting," he said pausing to think "deal."
Without warning, he swung the first blade towards me, just missing my shoulder. With the other, he threw it towards my face.
I quickly moved out of the way, ducking, just missing the sharp blade. I swung my sword at his torso as he blocked it with his remaining dagger.
Back and forth, we fought. Sweat started to drip from our foreheads as the battle continued. Not one showing any signs of surrender.
He ran to grab his second dagger that had been lying on one of the mats as I swung my sword at his side. It cut through the fabric, leaving a small cut on his stomach. He clutched it with his hand looking for blood. When he saw none, he sprung towards me.
Thrashing his daggers at every chance, he got, not giving me time for my next move. Backing up to fast, my foot slipped on the mat, causing my sword to fall for a brief moment. In those few seconds, he managed to slice his dagger across my left shoulder; as a crimson liquid began to seep into my t-shirt.
I didn't have time to react to the stinging sensation. I could feel the blood coursing through my veins while my skin began to warm. As my pulse quickened, so did I.
I swung my sword across his daggers as they both crossed over each other to soften the blow. Their hooked ends latched onto the metal and swung my sword across the room, his along with it.
Now it was a fistfight.
We blocked, punched and kicked for a few moments. Rotating in a circular shape, as his feet came towards a dip in the mats.
I saw my opportunity and took it.
As he stepped back, his body lost balance. Before he could steady himself, I grabbed his shoulder and swung my leg behind his pushing him to the ground. His leg was hooked around mine.
I fell on top of him as he grabbed hold of my arms. Our bodies now inches apart.
I could feel the warmth from his body as his chest heaved with each breath.
Before he could roll me over, I kneed him in the side, my hands breaking free from his grasp.
I grabbed the dagger from my thigh and pressed it against his neck. I caught a flash of fear in his eyes for a split second before it turned to surprise, then rage.
I stared into his eyes, and he stared into mine.
My body sore from the times he landed punches and the pain from the cut on my shoulder. My breath was slow and heavy. Pieces of my hair had fallen out of my elastic and dangled in front of my face.
I leaned down as close to his face as I could get and whispered in his ear.
"I win."