Opening my eyes to meet the eyes of my bestfriends in front of mine, pale and puffy, they've been crying as well, realization hits me again that my Saleem is gone, for good.
Never to return for me to see his charming smile again.
We didn't even spend much time together and we had so many plans, so many.
We were going to grow together, shape each others lives for the better and where's he now, far away from me....never to return.
I didn't even get the opportunity to properly say goodbye to him, I'm not going to be able to see him in the flesh again now even if he's dead.
We have no body to mourn, no body to bury and know that yes, it's final.
Nothing.
Just memories that honestly can't fade away except painfully.
" Zaki" Tay Tay cries as tears brim my eyes and I lift myself from the bed I'm in gently, how I got here?
No idea. " We are so sorry" Juwee cries, joining our comforting hug.
" how did we get home without my knowledge?" I ask, looking at my surrounding. " Well after screaming, I guess the shock from the news made you pass out. Haneef helped carry you back here, he's broken" Juwairiyah answers and I don't even try to fight back the tears falling down my cheeks.
They've being inseparable all their lives, and here he goes, unannounced.
" We're all broken. May Allah grant him Jannah" Tayibah prays and we all respond with an Ameen. " I've started packing your things, we'll be leaving first thing tomorrow morning in Haneef's plane" Juwairiyah says and I dismissively nod at her. " Your dad called too, since he couldn't talk to you, he said we should tell you to pray for him and just let everything go like you did your mother" I know, but the pain is hard to keep calm.
" Zakiyah, you're strong. We'll get through this by God's grace okay?" Tayibah comforts and I nod again, lying back down on my bed.
It sucks really..
Having your life all planned out with that key person in your life and then poof, just like that.....they're gone for good.
Never to be seen on earth again, by my side again.
If we had gone further into our relationship before he left, I legit would have been on the verge of insanity now.
I get up from my bed calmly, informing my friends of me hijacking the bathroom for a while to cry my eyes out and take a bath.
The warm water trickles down my skin as I sat on the bathroom floor, naked with Saleem's charming smile flashing itself in front my eyes.
I mean, we had everything prepared. We really thought we would grow old together, we had a bright future ahead of us.
Few hours after my moment in the bathroom, I walk out to meet my bestfriends asleep with our suitcases already packed at a corner. They had already prepared a set of pyjamas for me and with a small smile, I slip into them and find a sticky note on my pillow.
If you're hungry, there's cake and a few snacks from the party. You'll be fine, okay sweetheart.....we're here for you always♡.
What would I do without my girls?...nothing at all.
Besides, I'm kinda hungry so I slowly walk out of our room and head to the kitchen.
My heart almost fell out of my chest on seeing Haneef walk towards me, walking out of the kitchen.
" Why are you here?" I ask, startled and watch him smile a bit, sadness written all over his face. " I'm glad you're up now, do you want anything to eat?, there's food, let me serve you" He says, opening the fridge and acting as caring as Saleem would have.
I take my seat on the kitchen stool and watch him serve me a plate of fried chicken and sauce, this can lighten my mood up at least. He sits down on the stool beside me and pours a glass of water in a cup for me, allowing me to enjoy my meal in peace. " Thank you" I say and all he does is nod with a small smile. " Why are you here now?" I ask as I used the fork to cut the chicken lap.
" I wanted to make sure you were doing fine, I wanted to see you and make sure you were okay because I'm certain Saleem would love me to watch out for you, and look after you" He says slowly and I nod, he would have loved that. " It's all so sudden you know, we talked on the phone before he left and here now, he's gone" Haneef says in a whisper and as I manage to swallow down the chunk of chicken in my mouth, I lose appetite for more.
" You guys go way back, I'm sorry for what happened" I say, trying to release comforting words from my mouth. " Don't be sorry, no body wanted this to happen. And besides, death's always lurking around and that's why I don't get to attached to people. But with Saleem, I just have to accept fate, pray and move on cause that's what I'll end up doing after all the mourning" He says and faces me squarely, taking my tiny hand in his, making me feel assured that everything was going to be okay.
" You should do same Kiyah" he says and I frown from the nickname. " what?, your online store is kiyah's place, don't you like it?" He says and a short laugh escapes my lips. " It's just weird that you're calling me that"
" Well I like it and I'll stick with calling you that, cool?"
" Cool" I answer and he smiles fully this time, I wish could see that of Saleem's one last time. " I know you guys had your future all planned out, but since it's clear that you two weren't meant to be, I believe something better is in store for you. We're all definitely going to miss him and he's going to stay in our hearts forever but I want you to see that this isn't the end of the world with him gone, you have your life to live"
" a bright future ahead" I whisper enough for his hearing and he smiles. " I'm sure losing loved ones isn't easy to handle but you moved on from the first one, you can move on from this too. It's only a matter of time"
" Yeah" I say and feel his hold on my hand tighten. " I'll always be here for you okay?" He says, staring into my eyes intently and I nod, looking away. Who ever thought the guy that drove me into a pit of utter annoyance was ever going to be here, trying to make me feel whole again?.
Due to how comforting his hold is, I find myself slowly resting my head on his shoulder, feeling more at ease and rest assured that everything would turn out just fine.
And there, I close my eyes, drifting into a tranquil slumber.
The next morning welcomed me nicely, Ameerah woke me up specially before fajr with a breakfast tray and an appreciation speech cause I reunited she and her father and also a condolence speech, because of course, Saleem's demise.
My Saleem's demise.
Adama and Candy joined her to greet me after our moment and we began to get ready for our early flight to Lagos before Kaduna.
Daddy called too, before I began to dress up in a casual purple abayah with its veil and black flats. He said to be strong and all, that Allah knows best and of course, I'm more than aware of that fact.
Now we're all comfortably seated in Haneef's plane, he had dismissed Tayibah who sat by my side, just by plainly asking to sit beside me and I swear, I could clearly see Ameerah fight back a glare at him, at us.
Right now, truth be told, I'm not in the mood of any of their couple tantrums, all I want is peace and quiet and i really don't care about who wants to sit by my side.
It's about time I reply the well wishers on my contact list also, little did I know that logging into my WhatsApp now was a very bad idea because right there on my screen read the last message I had sent to him, and yeah, our picture where the both of us were grinning brilliantly displayed itself, hurting me even more and making me realise again that I was probably never going to smile so genuinely like I did there with him by my side.
I burst into tears and out of nowhere, I feel myself being shifted on to rest on a hard chest, with an arm around my neck, patting my head gently, like a baby.
I really just want to cry a river right now, I don't honestly care about who offered to be my napkin. I'm just glad that I have one at least.
We arrived Lagos around 7PM, a stressful journey but it turned out fun when Tayibah and Adama helped clear the air with some funny Instagram posts, they engaged us all and I actually felt happy, again. We had dinner at a restaurant in the airport before flying to Kaduna, and all this while, Haneef stood by my side, he didn't want to leave and my bestfriends were okay with it, Ameerah certainly was not, even a bit.
Our trip back to Kd was fast, I'm so glad to be home again. Haneef suggested we visit the Yahaya's tomorrow and of course I agreed.
Their home is filled with people offering condolences and it's just 10am. " You'll be fine, don't worry" Haneef says by my side and he leads me into Saleem's home.
We were meant to come here together and properly meet his family, who knew the day was never going to come?
Thinking about that made my heart ache and I try as much as I can to hold back my tears, be strong Zaki.
Haneef leads me into the main house, after greeting a few people on his way and on reaching the living room, I come insight of Saleem's mother, sitting on the carpeted floor with a few women around her, praying for my Saleem.
Saleem and his mother share a resemblance but it's honestly not much.
" Assalamu Alaykum, good morning Mama" Haneef announces from my side and his mother lifts her gaze to him before shifting them to me, changing her mood completely.
Tears began fall down her eyes as she nudged for Haneef to bring me closer to where she sat, and I sat right there, in front of her after dismissing the ladies she was with.
Pulling me into warm hug, we both let tears gush out of our eyes because we both know that we really weren't supposed to meet each other in this manner.
That honestly hurts really.
" My dear please, don't cry, pray for him instead" She says nicely, letting go of me and staring immensely at my face. " I will In Sha Allah" I respond, dabbing my eyes. " You're so beautiful. Kai, he loved you so much, Haneef you know you couldn't stop talking about her since his Ss3 fa" She adds, shattering my heart into a million tiny pieces.
" There's something better in store for you my dear, stop crying okay?" Now, I feel bad.
She's the one that lost her son, someone she carried in her for nine months. I should be the one telling her to keep calm and maintain her sanity. " I'll stop, he's in a better place In Sha Allah"
" Let's pray for him" Haneef says and all three of us began. I got to meet Saleem's siblings and boy, I had to restrain myself from calling his name when I saw Hafeez, his elder brother. I got to meet his sister and father too, offered my condolences before finally leaving their home with Haneef. I really admire all of them, it was obvious from all their faces that they were going through a lot because of their brother and son's demise but they just to keep calm and pray, I know they've all cried alone and they're displaying a strong font for people to see, making me honestly admire them.
Alot.
" I'll take you home so you can rest, you need it" I hear Haneef say while I stick to looking outside, with memories of Saleem and I flooding my head from different angles.
" Zakiyah, I know you're going to move on eventually. I'm always going to be here to help" He says again and I begin to wonder, he's acting as if this is just something one can walk over in a day. " Haneef, you're allowed to mourn. Stop acting strong and pour your heart out, it's your bestfriend you lost you know, someone you grew up with right from start, so at least cry"
" I've cried enough, and what's honestly the need of crying...." ugh. " When you lose someone you loved dearly, you'll have to feel immense pain and then your eyes will squeeze that pain and in return you have tears. It's perfectly fine to cry, you're never going to see Saleem again so dude, let it all out" I cut in and he sighs heavily. " I've let it all out already, there's no need for more"
On reaching home, I sight Habeebah's lexus and a sigh of disgust escapes my lips. I really don't want her problem.
Luckily, she didn't come in sight as I walked up to my room and locked the door, making sure to throw myself on the bed to try and relieve myself from this morning's events.
Multiple knocks on my door jolts me awake from my short slumber and I rub my face as I listen to Tayibah and Juwairiyah bang my door like their life depended on it.
" why did you take forever to open the door!?" Juwairiyah says, walking into my room with Tayibah behind her and as usual, I simply just roll my eyes.
" Are you okay Zakiyah, how's Saleem's family?" Tay Tay asks as we all sit down on my head and I rest my head on Juwairiyah's thick thighs.
Feels good. " They're fine, Hafeez looks so much like him you know" I answer and a moment of silence washes over us.
" we're really going to miss him a lot" Juwee says and I smile, painfully. " Remember the last conversation we had about him when he graduated Meadows?" I ask and Tayibah answers. " yeah, I remember. You said it was all a crush and you guys weren't meant to be in the first place"
" Yeah and he came back for me, making me discard that thought but look now" we really weren't meant to be.
It was easy to accept before, but it won't be easy to sink in this time.