"It's the most wonderful time of the year..."
"I hate to argue with a classic but it's really not," I muttered under my breath at the old-time tune blaring out of Carmela's ancient record player. She wasn't trying to be some kind of hipster. She'd hauled this thing all the way from South Carolina, claiming it was her great-grandmother's.
"I heard that," she called out as she emerged from the hallway, still in the middle of coiling her graying dark hair into her usual bun. "You don't have to agree with it to listen to it. Just let the music fill your soul. Take in that warm, happy feeling and soak it in."
I paused from icing a pretty albeit uneven border around a cookie and raised a brow at her. "Where did you learn all that bullshit?"
Carmela grinned. "Emily from work. That woman doesn't just love Christmas—she thinks she's the holidays personified. A light-up Christmas sweater, reindeer headband, peppermint tea and humming carols all day long."
"Poor you putting up with all that torture," I said with a laugh, knowing that Carmela thrived during the holidays as much as I did—which was not very much.
Cece died three days before Christmas. What had always been just a non-event for me growing up had become my toughest time of the year since then. Because only days before that horrible night, I'd also lost Stellan.
Kinda hard to be merry and bright after all that, really, and I've had to acknowledge it if only to blunt the danger of denying a trigger. It's going to remain tough for a while but like I have in the last couple years, I just do my best to surround myself with the people I still have and to keep myself preoccupied with a meaningful distraction that puts a little silver lining on the holidays for me.
This year, it was doing up these stockings for all the women at Passage which I was going to deliver on Christmas Eve, tomorrow. The women were going to be off at Evergreen, another social care group in the city who's invited a few other smaller ones to a joint Christmas Eve turkey dinner at their site. While Jamie, Sidney and our program manager, Kareema, were out at the dinner with our group, I was going to sneak in and hang a stocking on each door. Carmela spent some of her free time last week making all the red felt stockings by hand and she came over late this afternoon to deliver them along with the three dozen sugar cookies she'd made.
"It's not too much of a torture. I just try to enjoy it," she said as she came back to the kitchen island where we'd been frosting the cookies. "It's nice to forget every now and then."
My smile faded as I reached out to squeeze the woman's hand.
"It is," I said gently. "Even though I know neither of us will truly forget, it's nice to be able to put some distance between yourself and that memory. Like a faraway picture. You know what it's about but you don't have to always see the details in your head."
Carmela smiled at me. "I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who wants to forget it just enough to be able to live life a little. I felt guilty because it seemed like I wanted to forget Cece."
"Cece's unforgettable and she'd be the first person to tell you that," I said with a chuckle, surprised to realize that it came from a genuine place inside of me. "And while she'll haunt us if we ever forget her, I'm sure she'd prefer we only remember her best memories."
"You're right," Carmela said with a firm nod. "You're absolutely right. Thank you, Kady."
We were just reliving the memory of Cece disastrously trying her hand at baking cookies during our only Christmas at Mission Hill when my phone rang.
"Hey, how are you?"
My brows went up. "Hey, Stellan. I'm good. Uh, how are you? Enjoying the holidays so far?"
I glanced at Carmela just as she rolled her eyes at me.
What? So I used to be smooth with guys but Stellan's always been the exception.
"It's hectic," he said even though the smile in his voice told me he wasn't really complaining. "Between family and friends, I'm in some kind of dinner or get-together pretty much every day until the new year."
I smiled because while the reminder stung a little for me, I was happy for him. "It comes with having a lot of people who love you. I can't blame them."
Now, Carmela's eyes widened comically and I bit my lip, wondering if maybe that last line should've been left unsaid.
Stellan and I haven't seen each other since his birthday but he'd called a few times, mostly about something quick and related to Passage and once around Thanksgiving which he'd spent with his family. I've rewinded that scene on the porch in my head countless times since, storing every second in my memory. But it didn't mean things have changed.
"People who love you always have your best interests at heart but they can show it quite excessively sometimes," he said with a laugh, not once pausing to hint that anything about that last line hit a different note. "I never mind though. I know how lucky I am."
"That you are," I agreed softly before mentally kicking my butt to get back to business. "Now, since you're so busy, to what emergency do I owe this call?"
"I don't call you just for emergency, do I?" he asked.
"No, but if you're so busy, you have to be calling for some specific reason," I rambled and this time, Carmela's expression pretty much just said 'What are you doing, Kady?'.
"I am calling for a specific reason but now that we're having this conversation, I've decided I'm going to call you at least once every day just to say hi and ask how your day is going," he said. "Is that acceptable?"
"Uh...." I looked at Carmela for help and she just shrugged at me. "Of course, it is, but you don't have to—"
"Great, I'll start tomorrow," he said and I had a distinct feeling he was deliberately avoiding further discussion on this. "So, the reason I'm calling is because I've got the presents I wanted to bring to Passage."
A couple weeks ago, Stellan asked what holiday present could he provide to the residents and I told him he didn't have to, after everything he's already done. But he insisted and I told him to stick to something small and simple and can be enjoyed by all. I haven't heard back about it since that call that I'd forgotten all about it.
"Should I just drive them over there directly or do we want to bring them out as a surprise? I'm not sure what you've got planned so you tell me what's best."
"What did you get? Anything that's perishable or needs special handling?"
"Oh, no. I got a dozen different board games. I figured it's something we can leave out in the common room if anyone wants to play."
I grinned. "Board games are a good choice. But it's probably best we hang on to them until tomorrow. Jamie's taking everyone to a big joint turkey dinner at Evergreen tomorrow so I'm going to sneak in with the Christmas stockings I did up for everyone. I'll bring your stuff along so no one sees them until they all get home."
"Sounds good. Where do you want me to bring them? I have them in my car right now and I'm on the road."
"My condo's fine," I said casually even though my insides were starting to warm at the prospect of seeing him again. "Carmela and I are decorating cookies and stuffing stockings."
"I'm on my way. See you in five."
"I have to leave in like ten minutes," Carmela said after I hung up, a knowing smile on her face. "Or should I leave now so you two have more alone time together?"
I snorted. "Don't rush for my sake. The man's got a girlfriend. He's just dropping off something."
Carmela raised a brow. "This is the same man who changed his entire birthday plans around just to make sure you would show up?"
Stellan had actually invited her as well but she had a shift at work that she couldn't miss.
"His birthday was kind of a sore spot for years so I can't hold that against him," I answered, pointlessly trying to play it cool because Carmela knew me too well anyway. "Don't hype it up or it'll just make it weirder for the two of us, okay?"
"If you say so," Carmela said in a deadpan tone, picking up a piping bag and a bare cookie.
Less than five minutes later, he buzzed me from the entrance.
"Jeez, Stellan, are you back there or what?" I grinned at the sight of him when I opened the door. He was holding a very tall, slightly wobbly stack of board game boxes in front of him like it was Jenga. Ha, how appropriate. "You could've told me you needed a hand."
"Oh, don't worry, Winslow insisted on helping me all the way up to your door before abandoning me," he said from behind the stack that Carmela and I were slowly reducing a couple boxes at a time. When it was just down to three boxes, he beamed at us even though his view was obstructed by a thick lock of hair that had fallen over his forehead. "Hello, ladies."
"Stand still for a sec," I said, reaching up to move the hair away.
While I was careful not to touch anything else, the light that flickered in Stellan's eyes at the gesture made my stomach flutter. "Thank you, Kady."
I smiled and beckoned him in, following Carmela into the kitchen.
"Something smells good in here," he said, setting the rest of the games he carried next to the stack by the front door closet. He looked around the space and smirked at my Charlie Brown Christmas tree in a corner—my only decoration. "Something like Christmas, anyway, to add to the unmistakeable holiday ambiance."
I caught his look and stuck a tongue out at him.
"It's a spiced gingerbread loaf," Carmela answered with a proud smile. "My great grandmother's recipe and I make it every Christmas. It'll be out in twenty minutes. You should try it."
Stellan looked around at the chaotic spread of cookies and frosting and stocking stuffers on the kitchen island. "Well, I don't want to intrude if you're both very busy... unless you need an extra pair of hands."
Carmela brightened up. "Can you frost cookies?"
"I can do very basic styles," he said, inspecting the cookie sheets where the finished ones were left to set. "I did this with my sister, Vivienne, until she was fifteen, I think. I'm a little rusty but if you're not too worried about it, I can probably manage a tree and maybe an ornament."
"You're hired," Carmela said. "Wash your hands and take over my station. I have to head out to work. We're doing our Christmas dinner with the seniors tonight."
"Wait a sec!" I turned to Stellan. "Don't you have some Christmas dinner tonight yourself?"
"It was actually brunch this morning at Cassie's and Seb's place," he said with a smile. "I'm free tonight so I can stay and help if you'd like."
"There's your Christmas miracle right there," Carmela said before grinning broadly at Stellan. "Actually, you're really more like her all-year-round-for-the-past-several-years-miracle now, aren't you?"
Stellan laughed out loud just as I groaned in embarrassment. "Carmela, I love you, but if you don't go now, I might strangle you."
She just shrugged. "Someone has to state the obvious. But I'll end my honesty for the night there. I'll leave you two to figure it out—and hopefully get those stockings and cookies done in the process."
"Bye, Carmela," Stellan said with a mock-salute. "And thank you for the gingerbread loaf, in advance. I'm sure I will love it."
She opened her mouth to say something but I held my hand up. "Nope. You've hit your meddling quota. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye!"
She didn't look sorry at all as she just winked at us before heading for the door.
Stellan and I continued to stare at the door long after she'd left.
"I'm sorry if she made you uncomfortable," I finally said, turning back to the cookie I'd half-finished decorating. "Carmela doesn't filter much and blames it on her getting old. She's not even that old."
Stellan went to the sink to wash his hands. "She didn't make me uncomfortable. She didn't really say anything that wasn't true."
So you agree about the miracle part. You're my miracle and I'm your... nightmare?
I took a deep breath and told myself to back up. If I was his nightmare, Stellan wouldn't be here volunteering his evening to decorate cookies and stuff stockings with me. That meant something. That meant a lot actually and I shouldn't forget that.
"Still, it was inappropriate with Lily in the picture," I said, not quite looking at him as he got on a stool and looked through the decorating options. "Where is Lily, by the way? I hope I'm not taking your time away from her."
"She's out with coworkers from the university, having drinks before they all take off for the holidays," he said. "She's not sure what time she'll be done but it'll probably be late. Winslow or another one of my security guys will pick her up whenever she's done."
"She's okay with that?"
Stellan just shrugged and picked up a piping bag with pale blue icing in it. "She said she is. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to impose on my schedule. I generally let people decide what they need from me and when they need it."
I had a lot to say to that because during our time together, while Stellan usually didn't really do anything I didn't agree with, he'd been a lot more proactive, shall we say, in initiating things and making suggestions. But maybe after our time together, he's decided to take it easy on his next relationship.
"Well, if she calls and needs you, please feel free to leave and go to her," I said even as the words tightened at my throat. "I can handle this and I can guarantee that Carmela's not going to hunt you down for leaving your post."
Stellan grinned. "She's a funny person. But very protective of you, as well. She's never threatened me to my face but it's always been there, between the lines, from the first time I met her when I came to see you at Cece's house after the funeral."
"Outside of Jamie and Sidney, we've really only got each other for family," I said with a little smile. "She'd seen me through so much, especially right after Cece died and I was a wreck. She took care of me first even when she was dealing with her own stuff. She acts tough, like Cece and I did, but just like us, she doesn't always have the steel gut to process through it without a cost. Shooting a man wasn't something she shook off easily, even if the court quickly ruled in her favor about that. "
"I can't imagine that doesn't stay with a person for a while," Stellan agreed. "Did she get help?"
"Only after a lot of begging and guilt-tripping from me. I told her to do it for my sake, that I needed her to help herself first if she wanted to help me through the rest of my recovery." I shook my head, remembering those conversations. "I wish I'd known right away but when I went into treatment, I was dealing with a lot of shit. I was a full-blown alcoholic at that time. I had a newly-acquired addiction to Cece's prescription pills. I was depressed, traumatized and all-around self-destructing. I couldn't see past myself to know if anyone else was dealing with anything. But Carmela steeled herself through it all and with Jamie and Sidney's help, got me into the center before I could even fully say that I needed help."
Stellan's gaze was bleak as he looked at me, raw pain in plain view. "I don't know how I can ever thank the three of them in this lifetime, to be honest. But I'm glad you had them when I couldn't be there because..."
He trailed off and I just smiled. "...Because I pushed you away? Trust me, as much as it hurt us both at that time, it was for the best. Like I said, I was no good for anybody. It took me a full month after I got out of treatment before I noticed how Carmela was struggling. She'd just been in denial the whole time. She finally agreed to go into counselling and while she'd never admitted it to me out loud, I know she found a measure of healing through it. She didn't put up a fight when I found each of us a new therapist to talk to after moving here. We joined new support groups we see twice a month. We don't talk about it much but we're both trying to do our thing, just doing our best to stay on track and stay healthy for each other. We've only got each other, after all."
"And you've got me," Stellan said solemnly, holding up a hand when I was about to protest. "No, I mean it. I'm here for you both, whatever you need, however I can help. After everything we've been through, I'm not standing by the sidelines, doing nothing. Pick up the phone, show up at my door, send me an email—I don't care how—but if you need me, tell me. I will be there."
When Stellan was like this, my heart just hurts, in both good and bad ways.
I could never fault him for his kindness, for never having stopped caring about me all this time. I loved him more for it but at the same time, it was a love I would forever have to restrain within the bounds of friendship because he now belonged to someone else. It was like my heart's overflowing with what I could never truly have.
"Alright, we'll do that for now," I said, knowing that while it might hurt to acknowledge the future, the next words had to be spoken out loud. "There will come a time when this becomes too hard for me, or for you, or for the other person we'll spend the rest of our lives with. The heart only has so much room. I think we should both agree that when that time comes, we're free to walk away before someone gets hurt."
Stellan studied me quietly for a moment. "I agree although there's always the possibility that the person we'll spend our lives with is each other."
My jaw dropped somewhat as I stared at him, not sure if I heard right.
But he didn't seem to think he'd said anything too explosive because his expression didn't change much.
He grinned. "What? I consider the probability of every possible outcome. Statistically, the odds—"
"Oh, God," I half-laughed, half-groaned. "Please, not a lecture on statistics. Consider it your Christmas gift to me."
"Fine, fine. I'll save it for another day," he said, chuckling. Then he held up a cookie he'd finished. "What do you think of my handiwork, by the way? Do you think Carmela will find it acceptable? It's inspired by the Koch snowflake but with just one iteration. It's what I could fit in the space."
The sugar cookie had a blue and white icing snowflake on top of it, perfectly symmetrical and neatly piped on that I could make out even the sort of spiky edges on each point.
"You made that? How?!" I blurted out in amazement.
Stellan shrugged. "Years and years of practice with Vivienne. Our mom wasn't a crafty-creative type but Vivienne always insisted on making the prettiest designs. She's quite skilled herself and I had to step up to her standards. I enjoy doing it though."
"That's great but it does make my cookies look pretty shoddy," I said, sadly pouting down at my own work with its lumpy tree and a star that looked more like a blob.
Stellan leaned over to look at it. "It's not bad. It may lack some outward polish but it's got... character."
I laughed and tossed a pinch of holiday sprinkles at him. "Leave it alone! I have every faith that someone's going to still love it even in all its imperfect beauty."
Stellan's lazy, crooked smile was both sweet and incredibly arousing. "I do, too. I'm partial to imperfect beauties with character myself."
No matter how I keep trying to steer us to safer waters, there just seems to be some undercurrent in our every conversation. Never quite breaking the surface and rocking the boat, but also too strong to be denied.
"This is going to be a long night, isn't it?" I asked him with a shake of my head.
"Likely but I think it'll be one of my best ones in a while," he said quietly, not meeting my eye, before reaching for another bare cookie.
It took us about an hour to finish the cookies, eating half of Carmela's loaf and talking the whole time, mostly about random stuff. It reminded me of how it used to be between us, once we weren't in the throes of hot, urgent need, when we could just be together and talk and laugh.
We were another hour into stuffing the stockings with a bunch of cute little items I got from the pharmacy and a local gift shop when I flopped back on the rug where we'd been sitting.
"I need a break," I groaned. "The gingerbread was delicious but I'm starving. I need protein. Lots of it."
"Should we get some take-out?" Stellan asked. "I wouldn't mind something non-holiday. I've been eating roast turkey and stuffing left and right this week with more to come."
I eyed him excitedly. "Chinese food? Or how about sushi? Or we can go Greek! I'd die for some arni psito right now. But I don't want to drive anywhere."
He started dialling on his phone. "How about Mythos? We got them to deliver to your old house before. I'll get the family platter. You still want a half order of spanakopita with it?"
At the memory of the amazing food from one of my favorite local family restaurants, I closed my eyes blissfully. "Yes, please."
"Kady, don't do that to me," Stellan warned with a funny edge to his voice.
I opened my eyes and saw him with the phone against his ear, looking at me with slightly flushed cheeks and a hooded gaze. That's when I realized I was literally sprawled on the floor, eyes closed there for a moment, looking very hungry while imagining delicious, delicious food.
I gave him a sheepish smile and sat up, fixing my sweatshirt and hair to make sure I looked presentable. "Sorry. I'm just really hungry."
He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I can see that. Let's hope they're here in twenty minutes."
And they were, with a big paper bag of still quite warm food that smelled heavenly.
All the stockings were done and we resolved to eat before packaging the cookies up in little treat bags and slipping them into the stockings as the last task.
Since the dining table was full of assorted craft supplies and half-done cards, we plopped down on the living room couch in front of the TV where I switched on Die Hard.
Stellan had raised a brow. "A lot of people would argue with you about it being a holiday movie."
I shrugged and took a big bite of spanakopita. "Some people have their Hallmark holiday movies, I have Die Hard One and Two. To each their own, okay?"
We ate and watched the movie, talking between bites, mostly me trying to copy Hans Gruber's lines and delivery which Stellan found both aggravating and hilarious at the same time.
Even after dinner was long done, leftovers growing cold on the coffee table, we stayed and watched the rest of the movie.
When it finally ended, I smirked and started muttering my usual repeat of "Yipee-ki-yay, motherfu—never mind that now."
Stellan, who'd caught my gaze and attempted a stern look, just shook his head in resignation. "There wasn't a lot of Christmas in that movie but it was good."
I smiled. "In all our time together, we've never watched a single Christmas movie, have we?"
I didn't realize how close we'd been sitting together until Stellan leaned in a mere inch and we were smushed up against each other.
"No, we haven't," he said. "You always stayed away around Christmas, even when we were both in town."
I lowered my gaze, not finding any will in me to edge away. His warmth, his smell, his strength—they were grounding me so much at the moment, I could happily close my eyes and die right here.
"Christmas is for family, if you have them."
He leaned in a little more and gently bumped his forehead against mine. "Is that why you refused Vivienne's invitation to dinner tomorrow night at her house?"
Of course, he would know about it.
"It was very kind of her but I didn't want to intrude," I said, picking at a piece of thread that had come off the cushion on my lap. "I know she said she was inviting other friends as well but it's awkward, you know, especially with Lily there. It probably doesn't bother you but I just don't want to sit there and hold up a smile. I don't want it to fuck with my head too much."
"Lily's going there because she's also a friend to the family, with none of her own around to celebrate with. I think she'd appreciate another familiar face," Stellan said gently.
It was hard to understand why Lily was so comfortable with having me around Stellan—unless she didn't know.
"She doesn't know about us, does she?" I finally asked. "About our past."
Stellan's gaze didn't waver but then, he wasn't the type to lie. "No. I haven't really told anyone although I think, from her not so subtle jabs at me here and there, that Vivienne has some idea."
I couldn't help a smile. "Oh, she knows a lot about it. She could've had a bright future as a crime-solver. She gave me quite a thorough interrogation that night I met her at Sainthill. She read me like an open book and just jumped in."
"Of course, she did," Stellan said with an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry if she cornered you like that. The last thing I wanted was for people to start nosing around a time that's been extremely difficult for you, not knowing what they're poking and prodding at. That's why I haven't said anything to anyone."
"She means well, like most people who love you," I told him. "And don't worry, I handled Vivienne as best as she let me and I think she and I have a pretty good measure of each other at this point."
Stellan smiled. "Then come join us tomorrow."
"I'll pass but don't worry, Carmela and I have stuff lined up to keep us busy in the next couple days. When Jamie and Sid are back from holidays with Sid's family, we'll do karaoke at home. So I'll be fine, I promise."
"Alright, if you insist," he finally relented, before stretching out his arms and settling them on the back of the couch. He didn't look like he was aware of it but all I could think of was how easily, with a small movement or two between the two of us, he could have his arm wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me close against him.
Kady, don't let your imagination run wild.
Because it really was just my imagination. Two seconds later, Stellan got up from the couch and started picking up our discarded containers. I inwardly groaned, got my ass off the couch, and helped him out.
If I don't watch myself around him, I'm going to develop a blood circulation problem.
Blue balls, but for women.
We cleaned up dinner and put away the leftovers before making some peppermint tea and starting on packaging up the cookies.
"Are you going to need help with delivering these and the games tomorrow?" Stellan asked an hour later, when we were pretty much done. "As long as it's before two pm, I can go with you."
I stepped away from the kitchen island and stretched my arms above me to loosen my knotted muscles. "I'll manage, don't worry. I'll be in and out within half an hour. You're on a short break from work and responsibilities—try to enjoy it."
"Who said I wouldn't enjoy sneaking in presents for people?" he asked as he walked over to where I'd drifted—the panoramic windows of my living room which overlooked a big portion of downtown. "I used to leave your presents by your front door every Christmas Eve, remember?"
With all the holiday lights on and a bustling crowd on the street even at almost ten in the evening, it was quite a sight.
And standing here with him beside me, unable to stop venturing into some of our sweeter memories even when they only served as a painful reminder now, it was both magical and bittersweet.
"I remember," I said softly, not glancing at him. "And I always left yours next to spot where you'd set mine down so you can pick it up and take it home."
I could see him smile on the faint outline of his face reflecting on the glass. "We'd take our presents back with us but we'd never see each other on Christmas Day."
It had been my design—something I now wish I'd been too weak to insist on.
"I would've happily given up the presents you gave me for at least one Christmas with you."
I turned to him, helpless not to, and looked into his dark eyes which were already on me, a little wistful but mostly mysterious.
"Maybe one day, I can sit at the dinner table with you on Christmas," I said in a voice made husky by tears I was fighting not to show. "When I'm strong enough and I can just be there as someone who loves you and wants to see you happy, whatever the reason for that happiness may be and whoever you might share it with."
A tear rolled down my cheek as I closed my eyes and lowered my head, hoping Stellan wouldn't notice.
But of course he noticed.
He brushed it away gently with the back of his fingers before pulling me into his arms.
We didn't say anything.
He just held me as I wrapped my arms around him, his cheek pressed against my curls and mine against his racing heart.
We watched the streets below and the life and the world that continued to move around us even as we quietly but stubbornly fought to stay in this standstill.
"I think I need to go," he finally said, releasing me slowly.
When I looked up at him, he smiled. "Thank you for letting me stay. I don't regret a second of it."
"I don't either. I'm glad you were here."
"Have a good Christmas, Kady. I'll see you around, soon."
My heart was heavy, knowing he would go, but at the same time, I felt warm and happy because he'd been here with me, even for just a handful of hours, at what was usually the worst time of the year for me.
"Thank you for all your help," I said, following him to the door. "Enjoy your time with your family. I hope you all have a good Christmas."
He just gave me an enigmatic smile before stepping out of the door.
Two days later, at Christmas morning, just as Carmela and I were making waffles, he called.
He actually stuck to that promise of calling me each day so I talked to him on Christmas Eve and also now on Christmas Day.
"Come downstairs to the front door," he told me without preliminaries when I answered.
"I'm in my pajamas and a robe!" I told him even as I was shuffling my feet into slippers. "And aren't you and your whole family at Jack's house right now?"
"Don't worry about that. I'll pop back over."
Then he hung up on me.
Carmela looked intrigued but she didn't delay me for questioning.
Since young professionals tended to live in this building because of how close it was to the downtown offices, it had been a little quiet here in the past few days. Most of the residents probably went home to visit family.
Luckily, that meant that no one was giving me weird looks as I rushed down the hall in fluffy slippers and a robe, with hair as wild as weeds.
I didn't see anyone standing on the other side of the glass door so I pushed it open and leaned out.
"Over here!"
Stellan was standing off to the side, at the entrance of the footpath that wove around the side of the building to the tree-covered courtyard behind it.
My heart sped up at the sight of him, wearing a casual trench coat, jeans and a forest green sweater with bright red holly embroidered on it.
"Don't you look festive." I grinned and hurried over to him, not even caring that I was walking all over grass and dirt in my house slippers.
"Vivienne ordered Christmas sweaters for everyone to wear today. Not ugly sweaters, mind you. She insisted they're called dorky-chic," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Anyway, I've got something for you."
He took my hand and I was glad for my large robe that mostly hid the shiver that went through me at the contact. I followed him into the narrow walkway that was shrouded by tall shrubs and large trees that lined the property.
He stopped by the first of the several wooden benches that dotted the path and picked up a large white cardboard box with a big red bow on it.
"Merry Christmas, Kady," he said as he gently placed the box into my arms. "I thought you might like these."
I blinked, unable to fully comprehend what was happening. I looked up at him. "You didn't just leave it by the front door."
He smiled. "Well, I couldn't really, considering this is a condo building. But also... I figured it was time to start a new tradition."
My heart squeezed and I swallowed hard. "But I haven't gotten you anything."
"You're here in front of me on Christmas Day," he said, brushing a wild curl away from my brow. "That's gift enough."
"Thank you," I mumbled, aware that my insides were turning into mush.
"Alright, I have to dash back to Dad's place before anyone notices I'm gone," he said with a laugh. "I'll call you again tomorrow."
I stood there and watched him stride away. He paused by the corner and glanced over his shoulder.
He just smiled at me before disappearing from my sight.
Drawing in a shaky breath, I sat down on the bench and stared at the box.
I would love whatever was in it, sight unseen.
It was Stellan's gesture—and reference to our traditions, old and new—that had me reeling at the moment.
That and seeing his smiling face on Christmas Day like you've always wished for.
With unsteady fingers, I carefully set aside the card he'd tucked under the bow which I then tugged loose.
Inside, a white waxy sheet was laid over the top. There was a sticker on the bottom corner that bore the logo of the Old West Candy Store of Darby, Montana.
"Oh, Stellan," I murmured with a smile as I lifted the sheet and revealed small compartments underneath which held an assortment of fudge squares and other handmade treats. It resembled the collection I'd bought from the store on that unforgettable December trip we had together, when the woman at the till thought we were married and provided plenty of marital advice.
I have no idea how he got these over here but to revisit that memory with this gift had to mean something.
Sliding the card out of its envelope, I smiled at the very technical-looking sketch he'd made on the cover.
It was a snowflake, a more precise version of the one he'd done on that cookie, with a lot more spiky patterns on each arm.
Inside was a note that starts curiously...
Fractal comes from the Latin word 'fractus' which means 'broken' or 'fractured'. Yet fractals are used to define order in chaos, to outline the path to infinity. Their beauty is not in the magnification of all the broken parts but of the majestic whole they make up, like a snowflake.
That is how I will always see you.
And that is how I will always see what we had.
The broken parts will always be just parts of the whole story and never the story itself.
So enjoy these treats without guilt or sadness.
They're simply a memory—not the whole story—that happens to be sweet. Literally.
Merry Christmas.
I sniffed back a tear or two, laughing softly because it was something only Stellan would ever manage. And something only he would truly mean from his heart.
"Merry Christmas, my love," I whispered as I carefully set the lid back on the box before hugging it close for a moment, secretly hoping that with a little holiday magic, he could hear me in his heart.
*****
Ninya's Notes:
Hi everyone!
I know Christmas is a long time ago but I hope that with a little imagination, you were able to picture this chapter out in your mind.
The thing that has really pulls at my heartstrings in these little moments with them is how, even after so many years together, they're just experiencing these traditions for the first time together.
Anyway... I hope you enjoy it. I saw so many cool comments from last week's post and I know a bunch of you have written me DMs. I want to reply to as many as I can but it's been a hectic week. We currently have house projects that are just taking up all my extra time.
But let me know what you think anyway...
And I hope you enjoy the song! It really makes me think of winter and the sadness of a broken heart... I know they're in LA but I'm feeling it for them in this chapter.
XOXO,
Ninya
♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: Evermore by Taylor Swift ♪♪♪
Gray November
I've been down since July
Motion capture
Put me in a bad light
I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone
Trying to find the one where I went wrong
Writing letters
Addressed to the fire
And I was catching my breath
Staring out an open window
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore
Hey December
Guess I'm feeling unmoored
Can't remember
What I used to fight for
I rewind the tape but all it does is pause
On the very moment all was lost
Sending signals
To be double crossed
And I was catching my breath
Barefoot in the wildest winter
Catching my death
And I couldn't be sure
I had a feeling so peculiar
That this pain would be for
Evermore