"Clementine, could you stay back for a minute please?"
I was halfway out the door heading to lunch when Mr Everett pulls me aside after history class. I groan, shuffling away from freedom. My classmates stare as they pass me by. Minerva smirks at me followed by the group of girls that chase after her whenever she's not around Violet or the rest. I play it cool.
When the classroom is empty he starts talking to me while erasing evidence of the lesson off the whiteboard. "How are things?"
I shrug, folding my arms. "Could be better. Is there something wrong?"
"Some of your peers are worried about you. They're saying you're being distant and wandering off on your own."
I can only guess Brody being the culprit of bringing a teacher's attention onto me, considering those were the same words that came out of her mouth the other day. That conversation didn't last long, I'm hoping this one doesn't either.
He puts down the eraser. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"You won't tell?"
"As long as your life and or others aren't in danger," he compromises.
I chew the inside of my cheek. There's no way I'm telling him about Minerva, I haven't told anyone about that afternoon, but if I don't tell him anything there's a chance he won't let me go and I have places to be.
"Well, there's this girl," I start eventually. "I think I really want to be her friend but it's like she won't let me."
I make sure to be very vague. It's really none of his business after all. He slides into his desk chair casually. "And what makes you think that?"
I rock from one foot to the other in discomfort. "It's like she's okay with me but then the next minute she hates me. It's really confusing."
His forehead creases while he pauses to calculate. "Can you think of anything that you have done, whether it was an accident or not that could have upset her?"
"I don't know," I mutter. "...being nice to her?"
He nods his head once, coming to a conclusion. "Sounds like she's dealing with her own problems right now."
Violet must have a lot of problems then because she sure acts like it. While I ponder about her something else crosses my mind and I open my mouth to say it before biting my tongue. A teacher is not the right person to ask that sort of question. Besides, it's a stupid thought.
Mr Everett acknowledges my silence and moves on. "Anything else?
I say something else that doesn't feel as stupid. "Actually yeah. I've been getting these weird dreams...nightmares. Is that a thing here?"
"Not that I'm aware of," he laughs a little which doesn't relieve my stress at all. I understand now that my dreams are important, I'm just confused as to why they're happening here at Ericson's. I was sort of hoping it was a well-known curse and that I wasn't alone.
"I have a job for you," he announces, opening a draw and slips out a notebook. "Use this and write down everything. Your thoughts, dreams, fears, whatever you want. I won't be asking to read it, this is all for you."
I pick it up and flip through the crisp pages. "Why?"
"Journaling is a great way to reflect and to understand what's going on up here..." He touches his head. "And what's trapped in here," he places his hand on his heart. I accept it doubtfully. I didn't even own a diary growing up.
"Don't look so scared all the time Clementine," he adds in the most sincere and humane manner. "It'll all be okay. Just breathe and focus."
I feel the overwhelming sensation to breakdown and cry in front of him. I fight this desire all the way out the room, gripping the notebook to my chest, a lump in my throat.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"You're late."
AJ is lying on his back on the grass with his knees bent, holding a leaf above him. I settle on the ground, leaning against the tree across from him. "Sorry, goofball, I got held up."
His face scrunches up like he just bit into a lemon. He sprawls onto his knees, letting the leaf flutter and blend with the rest of its kind gathered around us. "Goofball?!"
"Yeah, it's my new nickname for you. You like it?"
"It's silly," he exclaims.
"Just like you," I tease.
"No," he grumbles, stifling a laugh anyway.
AJ and I have been hanging out ever since I ditched everyone else. At first, I was on my own. I would smuggle my lunch and sneak away to spend my time here, in this deserted speckle of bush that I had found. It's pretty far from the heart of the school so it's way more serene and the many shrubs and trees remind me of my old treehouse at home. No one trudges their way up here. The only other person who has is AJ. Matter of fact, he spied on me with the binoculars he's not meant to be carrying around before ultimately confronting me. He told me off at first for being out of bounds but he kept coming back each day. Now, funnily enough, we're friends.
He points at the notebook in my hand instantly. "What's that?"
I hold it up for him. "It's a journal, for reflecting," I reply.
"Reflecting," he repeats. "I've heard that before. What is it again?"
"Okay, it's when..." I hesitate. You never really think twice about what something is and how you do it until you have to describe it to a kid. I've been teaching and explaining many things to AJ, it's shocking how much we can ramble on about together. "Say you drew a picture right now and then drew the same thing three years later and you compared them both. You'll see how much you've improved and what you've learnt about drawing. That's called reflecting."
"Oh, I wanna try."
I browse to a random page, tear it out and pass it to him with a pen that was in my pocket. "Here, go nuts."
His face lights up and he draws away. I watch him scribble up and down confidently, he sticks his tongue out to one side in concentration. When he finishes he drops the pen and shows me.
"Look! I drew me and you," he beams. A pair of stick figures smile back at me on the page. One is tall wearing my hat while the other is shorter with fluffy round hair. The bodies are lopsided and proportionate but you can tell he tried very hard. It's adorable.
"Maybe I'll be as good as Tenn one day," he says blissfully as he admires his work.
"Who's that?"
He jesters his arms in the air as he explains. "Tennessee, the one with that huge scar on his head. The twins are his sisters, I forgot their names."
My stomach churns in knots. From AJ's description I know that I've seen Tenn around myself, I just didn't know that Minerva and Sophie were his siblings. Strange.
"Hey Clem," AJ pipes up.
"Yeah?"
"Why don't you hang out with your friends anymore?"
I'm startled but then I remember that this is AJ. He keeps an eye on everyone in the school. He wasn't joking when he said he's seen some interesting things. He must've witnessed us all having lunch together at least once. I sigh, looking up at the trees, peering through the branches into the infinite blue sky. "Sometimes things happen and you have to go off on your own for a while."
"Did you guys have a big fight?"
"Not exactly," I utter, dragging my words. "Some of them don't like me, that's all."
"They talk about you a lot," he reveals out of the blue. I crack my head and stare at him in alarm. He takes it the wrong way.
"I'm not lying! I've heard them," he protests. "No one knows how to keep their voices down, its re-ridi...uh..." he mutters to himself in frustration. "What's the word?"
"Ridiculous?"
"Yeah, that. It's ridiculous."
I shake my head. "What's ridiculous is you listening in on other people's conversations. That's not cool, AJ."
"Well, when they all talk so loud I can't help it," he argues. "And Louis even came up to me and asked stuff so-"
"He what?!" I blurt out in distress.
"I said Louis came up to me-"
"But why? What did he ask you?"
"He wanted to know if you were okay," he confesses.
I'm about to press for more information, to know what he had told Louis but it doesn't matter. "If Louis or anyone comes up to you and asks you about me you tell them to come find me themselves, okay?" I instruct firmly. "If they keep talking to you then ignore them and walk away. It is not your problem to fix."
"But-" he tries to object.
"I'm not having this conversation anymore, goofball," I stress, leaning back on the trunk.
"Okay," he mumbles and slumps his shoulders in defeat. "Don't call me goofball. It's still silly."
I smirk. "Would you prefer shitbird?"
He gasps and giggles. "No! That's mean! You're a shitbird!"
"Hey! Watch the swears!"
I scoop a fist full of fresh leaves and fling them at him half-heartedly. He copies me, squealing gleefully. We throw them back and forth, making it rain. When there's none left to grasp, he settles down beside me against the tree, his drawing drifting along with him. He blinks up at me innocently, placing it on my lap. "Can you hold on to it for me?"
"Sure," I say, my heart swells.
"Don't lose it."
"I won't. I promise."
"Good."
With all these drawings I've been given, I could transform my room into an art gallery at this rate.
"Clem?"
"Hm?"
He rests his head on my shoulder. "I hope you and your friends make up. It's nice having friends."
"We'll see," I say, wrapping my arm around him. "We'll see."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I manage to hunt Louis down and corner him a while later. As soon as he spots me he waves frantically. His hand stiffens as I march up to him grudgingly. "Have you been talking to AJ about me?" I interrogate.
"Well, yeah-"
I cut him off. "Well, don't. He doesn't need to get involved. He's a little kid."
His smile falters. "He wouldn't be if you'd told us what's wrong. You haven't sat with us in two weeks. Did I do something?"
"No."
"Positive? I know I'm pretty much a jackass all the time."
"It's not you Louis," I sigh tiredly.
"Then what gives? The gang misses you. I miss you."
I study our surroundings before snatching him by his arm and reeling him closer, causing him to stumble over his own shoes. I duck my head and speak low. "You can't tell anyone, okay?"
"Of course," he says eagerly, grinning. "I'm all ears-"
"Seriously, you have to promise me," I beg. The risk of confessing to Louis is beyond obvious but I can't take it anymore. The urge to tell someone is like an itch that won't go away.
"Alright, alright! I swear," he affirms, sticking his pinkie up for me to take. As soon as we hook ours together I spill. "The day after I got hurt, Minerva came into my room and told me to stay away from Violet so that's what I'm doing."
Or how she put it; focusing on my own priorities. Pfft.
"What the hell? Why would she say that?"
"Because she thinks that I'm trying to steal her girlfriend, which I'm not by the way."
He stands there awkwardly, speechless. I think I broke him. He swallows, fixing this blazer. "I can talk to Minnie-"
"You just promised me you wouldn't tell anyone!" I sputter.
"I know but maybe if we just sit and talk things out, organise a date and sit down with a toasty cup of tea-"
"Don't you get it? You guys are all good friends, I'm the outsider. If I cross a line with one of you then I'll be eaten alive, don't you see that?" I lash out on him, pissed that he even attempted to make this into another one of his jokes.
He gawks at me bewildered before his expression falls. "Come on, that's not true-"
I scoff at him. "Really? What happened when I told you guys how I got here? You guys sat there and said nothing. It was humiliating. You didn't even apologise."
"Clem..."
He says my name so softly it's barely a whisper. He reaches out as if to console me but I shake him off. "You're a great guy, Louis, but the best thing you can do for me is to leave me alone," I demand bitterly. "You can go tell Brody the same thing."
He presses his lips into a thin line, steps away from me and clears his throat. "Fine. I will."
The way he said it so coldly, so stricken. There wasn't a sparkle in his eye. The feeling in my chest, it's like being dumped into a freezing pool of water. There's bile in his step as he leaves, a part of me torn away, like ripping an old bandaid off your skin.
I bolt in the other direction. Tears prickle into the corners of my eyes and I clench my fists. I find it hard to breathe properly. What is wrong with me? What the actual fuck am I doing? This isn't like me, none of it is, so why am I dwelling in self-destruction? The only thing I should be destroying is Minerva. A few weeks ago I would've happily exposed her with no remorse. Why is it any different now that I'm here? What is different? I can't swallow the idea of being scared of her, there's no way.
All I have left is AJ and without him, I'm all on my own. This is all my fault.