I feel guilty. Of all the shitty things I did to her as a kid.
I would never say I loved her. I would never hold her hand.
I complained about doing little things for her when it's all she asked.
I used a hateful word that I didn't know the meaning of.
I complanined about going to see her in the hospital.
I wasn't even there when she passed.
I wish I had been with her instead of my ex.
But I also wish I hadn't been.
When my grandpa got in the hospital, I couldn't look at him.
I couldn't even talk to him because it was new to me.
I was so used to seeing my Oma, never my grandpa.
I was a stupid little kid.
Last night I had a dream about my Oma. And while my Papa was yelling, I jus remember hugging her and never wanting to let go.
On Thursday it will be a whole year since she passed.
So much has changed.
But yet, nothing has.
I feel guilty.
She would have wanted us to love successful lives and do amazing things but I've barely done anything.
All my writing, and good grades, new friends, getting rid of toxic people-
All useless.
They mean nothing at the end of the day.
I'm not good enough.
I miss her so much. I was stupid and I wish I could just have one more day with her.
But unfortunately life doesn't work like that.
I know no one's reading this but I feel like lately I'm slowly going insane.
When I talk, no on listens. No one cares.
So I'm forced to compile my frazzled thoughts in writing.
No one at my school would care.
Especially not my crush. They make me happy in ways I can not express but to them I'm probably just another person in this world.
Why isn't life fair?