"How is it possible that you're dressed like a farmhand but still look like an absolute bombshell?"
I rolled my eyes at Vivienne as we each carried a giant bowl of potato salad to the dining area out on the sprawling Marlington backyard in Sunny Acres Farm. My crew and I arrived a couple hours early to set up half a dozen long tables and string lights on poles so they zigzagged over the space. I'd insisted with Stellan that we contribute in some way to the event and this was as much as he would let us do. Well, aside from also transporting some of the cold food items from the walk-in industrial chiller to the big white tent where they'd been cooking and filling up the buffet table.
"The same thing that makes you look like a goddess in plaid," I said to Vivienne. "Genes."
She glanced down at my well-worn pair of Levi's and shrugged. "Yeah. Those definitely fit you like second skin."
I laughed. "I meant genes as in your DNA. Not jeans like denim."
She didn't look bothered. "Regardless of which spelling, both have served to showcase you very well. My brother's having a happy birthday indeed."
I grinned and then grimaced right after. "Can you please leave off comments like that for the rest of the night? In case you haven't noticed, Lily's here and co-hosting the whole thing with him. I'm here as a friend—not as Jolene."
"Fine," Vivienne said as she rolled her eyes. "But in case you had any illusions that you're blending in as one of the boys, you're not. I overheard no less than four men thirst after you and you've been here two hours. And these men are people I know and usually like. And they're not frequently prone to slobbering over a woman like a dog."
My temper flared. "What do you want me to do? Wear a Tyvek suit? I have and trust me, it doesn't do much. I can't fix how I look."
"Who said you have to?" Vivienne asked, showing not the slightest worry at my tone. "You're never going to be able to hide the fact that you're insanely attractive. And you shouldn't. And I don't think you used to but watching you in the last two hours trying so hard to downplay what's too obvious to everyone, I suspect you went from having a fierce attitude about it to suddenly being so uncomfortably reluctant to own it."
I glared at her because I've quickly discovered, after having just a handful of conversations with her and today being the second time we'd actually interacted, that Vivienne Cartwright is painfully on-point with her observations and absolutely merciless with reciting them right to your face. But somehow, I knew it was the type of honesty that kept me accountable—and recovery had taught me not to run away from accountability.
"I spent the last two years out of the spotlight, busy with work and getting my shit together. I'd actually gotten comfortable with my body being what it actually is biologically—the thing that keeps me alive and living. I stopped viewing it as both the bane and blessing of my existence," I said through gritted teeth. "But with Stellan back in the picture, I started to become aware again of the kind of attention it drew—the kind that dragged my past back out in the open. And I don't want him seeing me that way anymore."
Vivienne snorted out a laugh and I almost dumped the salad on her. "Then you'll have to gouge his eyes out because he'll have to be fully blind to miss it. Seriously, Kady. Give my brother some credit. He's known to be smarter than average. I think he understands how time works and the potential difference between the past and the present."
I pursed my lips and told myself to think my next statement through because for one, I didn't really want a fight with Vivienne. And two, she had a point. "I'm just trying not to screw up."
Vivienne's smiled at that, and it was warm and kind. She reminded me of Stellan so much in that moment. "And screw up is the first thing you'll do if you can't give yourself any grace to make mistakes."
I rolled my eyes. "Girl, you're telling that to someone who gave herself way too much grace. How do you think I ended up where I did?"
She surprised me with a not so lady-like jab of her elbow to my side. "I think your dodging of the hard truth is the bigger issue, you brat."
"Who are you calling brat, you spoiled princess?" I shot back.
Vivienne turned her nose up at me. "You might need an eye exam. I only see queens here."
I laughed and shook my head, all the fight in me gone.
"Thanks for the advice, Vivienne," I said. "I do appreciate it."
"You're welcome." She glanced at me sideways, looking a little pleased with herself. "And by the way, I told every single one of those men that you're handy with tools and their balls won't be the only thing black and blue if they don't keep their unwelcome attention to themselves."
I winced, but happily, if you could picture that out. "Damn, you're scary but fucking awesome."
We laughed at that just as we arrived the tent.
Stellan looked up from behind the industrial grill where he was flipping steaks with Charlie Vice who was Sebastian's half-brother, Max, and the Marlington's eldest son, Connor.
He caught my gaze instantly even through the screen of smoke, and grinned at me.
Fuck. These Cartwright siblings are too hard to dislike.
"You two look like you're plotting world domination," Stellan said as Vivienne and I set down the salad containers in one of the coolers behind him where some of the food would be kept at the ready for refills.
"That's only on weekdays," I said with a smile. "How's everything going? Will we be eating soon?"
"Yes, Stellan," Vivienne chimed in, looking over what was grilling. "You've already made all your guests do some sort of free labor. Feed us, will you?"
"Ladies, please," Max chimed in. "This is culinary art we're doing. You can't rush genius."
"That leaves us with you to rush then since Charlie is an actual culinary arts expert and Stellan is a Mensa-certified genius," Vivienne retorted smoothly. "You're neither."
Max scowled. "Hey! I'm good at other stuff."
Stellan laughed and shook his head. "I think we'll all be sitting down in ten minutes or so. Everyone's here according to Lily."
Lily had been manning the guest list of about forty people, not counting the Marlington family and some of the farm staff who were overseeing the whole event.
Stellan's family and closest friends were all here. Sidney, Jamie and three of our crew came with me along with two women from Passage. Those we asked felt a little awkward dining with 'rich folks' and also didn't want to be in a situation with alcohol considering their ongoing issues with it. But there were two women, Delia and Terri, who wanted to go since they had both come from a small-town farm themselves and wanted to experience it again. Dave and Sonia, the husband and wife duo heading the Marlington clan, already told me they're interested in hiring them as extra hands for the fall harvest. It was a great opportunity for the women to build on since the farm was going to continue being busy post-harvest, putting out their own apple cider and different canned fruit products onto the local market as the holidays approached.
The rest of the guests were an assortment of select people Stellan knew in business, the community and the academia. I didn't recognize anyone too high-profile. They were also as casually dressed as we were, likely because several of them brought their young kids with them to enjoy the little farm adventure zone that the family had set up. It offered hay rides, a small pumpkin patch, a sunflower maze, and a petting zoo. It was a hit with both kids and adults.
"Well, I'm going to go find my husband who's hopefully changed our daughter's diaper by now," Vivienne said, glancing at her watch. Then she beamed at us. "She poops every day around this time. Why do you think I did potato salad transport duty?"
"I think Oliver smartened up and dumped poor Noelle on Dad," Stellan said, motioning to something behind us. "Here he comes."
We turned around and found Jack Cartwright walking toward us, carrying a baby girl in one arm and holding the hand of a dark-haired little boy toddling his pudgy legs to keep up. He was smiling but he did have the look of an exhausted grandparent.
I'd seen him arrive an hour ago but I managed to stay out of his way until now. I couldn't run away right this second without drawing attention.
"I took them to the petting zoo but Rylan wouldn't even come near the goats," he explained to Vivienne, not really taking notice of me. "And by the time I realized I wasn't just smelling the animals, Noelle's diaper had already exploded and my right arm is not only asleep but also covered on the inside with something I don't even want to think about right now."
"You little pooper," Vivienne said to her daughter who looked so much like her except for her dark hair. The baby girl gave her mother a grin with only two front teeth, oblivious to the fact that she was literally stinking cute. "We better get you away from here before we gross people out from eating."
Vivienne turned to her father with an apologetic grin. "I hope you brought a spare shirt, Dad. Come on. Since you're already filthy, keep holding her until we get inside the house and I can locate my husband and the diaper bag. Oliver had one job to do! One job!"
"He and Sebastian were going to the cellar to bring up the drinks. They're probably still there," Charlie offered helpfully after he finally looked up from his end of the ultra-long industrial grill, his smile turning a little shy when he glanced at me. I don't think anyone noticed but since he wasn't being a creep about it, I said and did nothing. He was really nice when I was introduced to him earlier but he was definitely nursing a crush.
"Stel, can you take Rylan?" Jack said. "I think Cassandra's in the kitchen helping out and Sebastian's going to have to deal with the drinks by himself if we need Oliver to rescue us with some wipes and clean clothes."
I glanced down at the little boy just as Jack's hold on his wrist loosened. With alarming speed, he slipped his hand free and stretched his arms toward one corner of the grill. There was a stainless steel splatter screen in front but it was still hot.
I gasped and before I could think anything of it, I grabbed the boy and backed us both away from the grill.
"Jesus, kid," I said, quickly inspecting him for burns. "You don't grab for hot things, you understand? You scared the shit out of me."
Rylan Vice, who looked so much like his father at a closer look, blinked at me slowly, once, twice, then smiled, matching dimples carving out on each side of his mouth. His face might have been all Sebastian but that melting smile was definitely Cassandra's. One thumb plugged straight into his mouth and his free hand went into my curls which I'd pulled through the back of my black leather baseball cap.
My heart clenched all of a sudden and I swallowed hard.
"I think Kady's got him."
I looked up and found all the adults looking at me with a variety of expressions. Charlie looked a little concerned. Max was smirking, probably at my language that had just sunk in on me now. Vivienne was smiling mischievously while Jack looked like he was trying to remember something.
And Stellan had a soft smile on his mouth even if I couldn't quite see what was in his eyes.
Life flashed before me—not of the one I'd lived but the one I dreamed of occasionally, when I couldn't stop myself from rewinding the tape and playing out the alternate future I'd run from.
We might have had a little boy just like Rylan, dark-haired too but maybe with tight curls and a hint of auburn in the sunlight. He would probably be darker than Stellan but lighter than me, with big, light brown eyes, high cheekbones with a smattering of freckles, a sharp jaw and a pouty mouth. I might have already named him Grayson Elliott Cartwright and he wore chunky-framed glasses like his father.
"Keep an eye on him for now, will you?" Vivienne said, drawing me back to reality. "I'll send Cassie over when I see her. Rylan's an easygoing kid as long as you keep him entertained."
For some reason, everyone seemed to think I was well-versed in toddler entertainment because no one voiced any concern about the task they just assigned me. Vivienne steered Jack and Noelle toward the house and the others went back to grilling—well, except Stellan.
"He's probably hungry," Stellan said as he tossed his tongs and apron aside. "Let me wash up and we'll go get him some fruits to snack on."
"Hey, who's subbing for you, birthday boy?" Max asked him.
"You're almost done," Stellan answered without even glancing at his friend as he finished washing his hands. "But if you really need help, I'm sure someone will be by shortly to do it."
Max didn't get another chance to interrogate him because as soon as Stellan's hands were dry, he led me and Rylan away and toward the nearly complete spread of food on the buffet table. There were already a few people grazing the appetizers and said hi as Stellan maneuvered around to fill a small plate with cheese, strips of farmer's bread and some carrots and pear slices.
"Cassie's probably not going to appreciate us giving him a snack right before dinner but Rylan eats every meal you put in front of him," Stellan was saying as he led us under the oak tree just off to the side of the back deck, distant enough from the traffic of guests. He suddenly just plopped down on the grass, setting down the plate and reaching for Rylan who pretty much tried to jump out of my hold to get to his uncle.
"He's teething too so he's going to love something to gnaw on," Stellan said as he handed the boy the crusty bread strip and a carrot stick. "What do you think, buddy?"
Rylan beamed at him and made some unintelligible sound that Stellan clearly interpreted to be positive feedback because he grinned and praised the kid some.
The scene was wringing my poor heart out that I had to suck in a deep breath.
Stellan looked up at the sound and squinted at me with a smile. "Aren't you going to join our picnic?"
My hands started fidgeting that I had to shove them into my back pockets. I rocked on my heels a bit, looking around to avoid Stellan's gaze. "You look like you've got this well in hand. I should probably go and find something useful to do."
"Kady, please. Sit down," Stellan said. "They'll call us back soon enough for dinner. I'm not asking for a lifetime here."
I instantly looked at him at that last line, wondering if he was trying to say something else with that. But he was smiling, even if his eyes were hard to read. "Lily might not be too thrilled to see us playing house under a tree."
At least it's not k-i-s-s-i-n-g under the tree. Which I wish it was.
Stellan's smile wobbled slightly with a hint of laughter. "Is that what we're doing? Because I thought we're just babysitting my nephew."
I scowled, aware he was toying with me. "You know what I mean."
"Lily's busy right now and I don't think she's going to be concerned about any of this," Stellan said, glancing down at Rylan to hand him a piece of cheese. "Unless you think there is something she should be concerned about."
"No," I automatically answered, defeated, because to continue fussing meant making a bigger deal out of something that Stellan clearly didn't see the same way I did.
I sank down on the grass across from him, startled when Rylan scooted over to me, holding out a soggy, gummed-up piece of bread excitedly. I tried not to make a face but I was pretty sure my strained smile wasn't convincing. "Wow, that looks so, so... yeah, that's pretty gross, kid. No, thanks. It's definitely all yours."
Stellan chuckled. "You're not letting children wear rose-colored glasses at all, are you? You just want to straight-up give them facts."
I shrugged. "Probably better for them that way in the long run."
"Shouldn't we let them have their childhood and all the good, innocent things that come with it?"
"Since I didn't have one like that, you tell me," I said, my attention straying to Rylan who dropped his bread and started pulling at the laces of my scuffed-up brown leather ankle boots. "I guess if he grows up to be like you, thanks to a little innocence and a whole lot of good, then it's not a bad thing at all."
I was watching Rylan make a complete mess of my laces with such an intent face for a toddler that I didn't realize Stellan hadn't said anything.
I glanced up and saw him studying me.
And that's when I realized my cheeks were still lifted in a smile—from watching a droolly, sticky-handed, admittedly adorable toddler unbraiding my boots.
"Do you still not want to have children?" Stellan asked.
I pouted. "You're really going to ask me that in front of this little dude who's not going to comprehend why anyone on earth could possibly not want another one like him? I'm not going break his heart like that!"
Stellan grinned and raised a brow. "He'll be the first guy with that privilege."
My mouth dropped open in mock offense. "Hey!"
"Don't change the subject, Kady," Stellan scolded, furrowing his brows at me. "Rylan's open-minded. He's not going to hold your personal choices against you. He can take it. He knows it's not about him."
I raised my brow this time around. "Are we talking about Rylan here, or you?"
Stellan shrugged. "We're like-minded in some ways. Being adorable isn't the only characteristic we share."
"Well, damn me, for assuming that was where it ended," I muttered under my breath before I broke into a grin. "I should probably stop swearing in front of him."
"That's always prudent," Stellan agreed, reaching out to pluck a piece of hay from the back of Rylan's sweater. "Children have incredible retention. What you show them, what you say to them—it will shape what they know and understand in some way."
I bit my lip. "So you understand why I never thought it was a good idea for me to be a mother? What good can I teach them, Stellan? I'm all misshaped and badly bent from what I learned of life and people growing up. That's a terrible thing to pass on to another human being."
"But that's not all that you've learned, Kady," he reminded me. "You put yourself through the fire again. You forged a new life. The courage that took, to self-examine and to re-break a bone so it could set right—that's no small feat. And no small thing to teach your children to aspire to someday, either."
My vision warped from the threat of tears and I quickly looked away to blink them back.
I couldn't look at Stellan.
And I didn't really have to.
Because what he'd just said to me had been said with enough quiet conviction that I couldn't possibly argue.
Because I believed it.
Because he said it like there could never be any doubt.
Because he believed it.
And it's crazy how that's all it takes for you to believe it, too.
"If I'm lucky enough to find a chance at it again, with the right person, with where I'm at now, this..." I paused, reaching out to brush back a heavy lock of hair away from Rylan's face. The little boy smiled at me and I smiled back. "This will be an incredible privilege."
We didn't say anything for a while.
I didn't risk looking at Stellan and he didn't prompt me but our silence was comfortable, just us trying to feed Rylan the rest of his snack, and keep him from running off or eating grass.
Then a pair of shadows loomed over us.
"Da-da!" Rylan squealed when he saw who it was, stretching his arms out as Sebastian scooped him up.
The little boy's hands were grubby but Sebastian didn't seem fazed even as bits of grass and dirt got smeared all over his wheat-colored sweater. He gave his son an indulgent smile and a quick kiss on the top of his head while Stellan and I got to our feet.
"Thank you for keeping an eye on him," Sebastian said. "Cassandra had just been telling me he was probably getting hungry. She's waiting for us inside with some snacks."
"Feeding him was Stellan's idea so all credit goes to him," I said. "But he cleaned up half his plate so he's probably doing okay now."
"Glad to hear it. We'll get him cleaned up and changed and he'll be good to go," Sebastian said before turning to Stellan. "All the fruit drinks are up at the bar. Cassandra said we're not serving any alcohol tonight."
I had no idea because I completely avoided the drinks section and my entire group had clustered together as much as possible to ensure we limited exposure to other guests who might be drinking. I glanced at Stellan in question but he wasn't looking at me. Almost deliberately, I might add.
"I thought since it was more of a family-friendly theme, we'd go that route. And the farm actually produces a small batch of sparkling juice from their own fruit harvest at the end of every summer. We're featuring those at tonight's dinner, " he explained casually to Sebastian. "Besides, it was noted on the invite, you know?"
I got an electronic copy but I honestly didn't look at much else other than the address for the farm.
"I never look at the invitation," Sebastian said with a roll of his eyes. "I just show up."
Jack, who'd arrived with Sebastian and was now sporting clean clothes, snorted at that. "Of course, you do. I don't think it ever crosses your mind to wonder if you're even welcome."
Sebastian's brows furrowed in confusion. "Why wouldn't I ever be?"
Stellan just laughed at his friend. "No one can pass up on your charming company, that's why."
Sebastian just sighed, like we were all being insufferable. "Anyway, we should go. Lily's also looking for you, Stellan, so we can start."
Jack clapped his son on the shoulder. "You should probably should go clean up a little and change your shirt. Just be quick."
"Yeah, I should do that," Stellan said after a quick inspection of his slightly splattered, barbecue-smoke-smelling shirt. He nodded at Sebastian. "I'll walk with you and Ry."
"Okay, see you at dinner," I said awkwardly, realizing I was left with Jack.
Stellan picked up on it and smiled, raising a brow at me. "You will? Dad's not going to run you off?"
Sebastian gave us a puzzled look. "Why would Jack do that?"
"He wouldn't," I butted in before Stellan could explain the details of my last encounter with his father. "Just go and we'll see you later."
Jack sighed beside me. "Yes, we'll see you later."
Stellan just grinned and got Sebastian walking back to the house with him.
"He's just trying to torture us both," Jack said, surprising me enough that I whipped around to look at him. He was shaking his head slowly, looking resigned. "I told him earlier that you seemed really familiar and he laughed and reminded me where I last saw you. He thinks it's funny because I'm still horrified to this day at how badly I overreacted that morning."
"You are?" I asked because my brain wasn't catching up fast enough. "You did?"
Jack shrugged. "I panicked as soon as I heard about the wedding being cancelled. Stellan's never been a troublesome child a day in his entire life, even with the friends he kept. He knew his limits and had no problem stopping at them. As soon as he was old enough to be independent, there was barely anything he needed from me and it's always left me feeling like I've not done enough for him. So when something monumental like the wedding blew up, all I wanted to do was fix it for him so he could go on and be happy. Then I saw you with him there and Stellan leaving a woman for a different one was never a scenario I'd imagined. He's just not capable of hurting someone like that. So naturally, I turned all blame and suspicion to you and I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have jumped into conclusions. I should've just left you two to sort it out."
"We were done sorting it out when you came," I said, my mind still having trouble wrapping itself around the fact that Jack was talking to me about this. "I was already on my way out."
Jack smiled a little. "I think if my son had the chance to properly talk to you, you wouldn't have walked through that door. And I know that was a long time ago and clearly you're still friends but I wanted to apologize anyway. I also wanted to thank you for fiercely championing Stellan. He'd told me after you left what you'd taken back from Rachel on his behalf. I couldn't care less about the items themselves but I'm perversely glad that you avenged him somehow with that gesture. She didn't deserve even a hair on his head."
"There's not a woman in this world who does," I said dryly, cursing myself the second Jack's gaze briefly narrowed at me, like he found a puzzle piece he didn't realize had been missing. But it was too late. I already said it out loud. Might as well brazen my way through it.
I smiled and hitched a shoulder. "You just practically put a halo on your son's head a couple minutes ago with every true thing you said about him. In all honesty, do you really believe there's a woman out there as perfect as your son who deserves him a hundred percent?"
Jack's brows furrowed for a minute and it took less time than that for me to realize where Stellan had gotten his wordless stares.
"You're right. I don't think there is," he finally said, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. "But maybe that's because Stellan isn't entirely perfect and he's not looking for a woman who is."
He caught the look on my face and smiled, mildly amused. "What we deserve often comes down to how much we're willing do for something, or for someone. I think my son just wants someone who will love him with everything they're capable of, little or lot of it there is."
The oxygen in my airway was barely there in that moment that I couldn't even hold it.
I blinked, averted my gaze and cleared my throat, looking everywhere but at Jack. "Right. Of course. Makes sense."
Jack laughed. "It's alright, Kady. I think I understand."
"At least one of us does," I muttered under my breath. "Don't read too much into it."
He didn't look the discouraged at the very least. "Not as much as you are, that's for sure. Don't worry. I really will stay out of it, this time around. You kids can sort it out."
My smile was a little tight but I did my best. "Thanks, Jack. Parental non-intervention is always appreciated by a great many people."
"Oh, believe me. I agree whole-heartedly," Jack said with great feeling. "So I'm going to stop here and now. Not going to say anything about it anymore. I just want all of us, especially Stellan, to enjoy his party."
I glanced around. "Most people are smiling. Enjoying the food. Enjoying the laid-back entertainment."
Jack's gaze had followed mine just as a couple of kids chasing each other blitzed past us. "I didn't quite understand why Stellan suddenly decided to switch up his party this year but I'm glad he did."
"Maybe he just wanted a different scene. He said he also wanted to spotlight the farm-to-table movement in the city."
"And I'm all for it. I always enjoy coming out here," Jack said. "I just wish he'd changed his mind a little earlier than two weeks ago. I had to make several awkward calls when Stellan decided to ditch the party and we had to send cancellations to over a hundred people, not to mention all the vendors. He paid them all out but it's never fun when you cancel a huge, annual thing like that at the drop of a hat."
I stilled, trying to comprehend the full meaning of Jack's words. "So he'd been planning to host his usual charity gala until two weeks ago?"
Jack sighed. "Yes, if you can believe it. He's lucky he's got staff who can turn things around in a heartbeat. But I like this—just family and close friends. Maybe this will be his new yearly tradition."
"Yeah, maybe," I muttered under my breath.
I was in a daze when Jack and I finally walked back to where people were starting to gather for dinner. I excused myself as soon as I spotted Sidney who had his arm looped around Jamie's as they stood to the side talking. Well, Sidney was talking and Jamie was his usual un-chatty self except that he had a soft smile on his lips as he listened. He only tolerated excessive conversation from Sidney. True love, I guess.
"Hi," I said, forcing a smile as I huddled towards them.
"You look funny," Jamie, surprisingly, spoke first, motioning in the general direction of my face.
"So do you but I'm nice enough not to mention it," I told him through gritted teeth.
He just snorted and took a sip of what looked like sparkling fruit juice.
Yeah, he and Sidney were a real menace because they always drank non-alcoholic stuff at events they attend with me even when, out of guilt, I'd sometimes insist that they didn't have to.
When you have fucking teddy bears for best friends who are just too damn good to you.
At least tonight, it was easier for them to choose.
"Sid," I whispered urgently, leaning close to him. "Did Stellan have his grand birthday bash scheduled until two weeks ago?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Why didn't you tell me it was cancelled?"
Sidney's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Well, I wasn't really sure that it was cancelled. I had the invitation for the first one and then Stellan invited us to this other one. It's still his birthday party but like, it just changed versions? I know a bunch of people were a little miffed at the cancelation with news that there was a smaller, more intimate one that was limited to just family and close friends. But I don't think Stellan cares about that. He just does the big party mostly for the charity causes he puts forward."
My heart was pounding harder but I told myself not to make a big deal out of it.
Because maybe it wasn't about me.
Or if it was, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?
He was hosting this damned party with Lily Brant, wasn't he?
Cool your heels, Kady. Like you told Jack, don't read too much into it. You might start seeing things that aren't there.
But deep inside, no matter how I tried to rationalize it in my head, I knew a truth that was both wonderful and painful at the same time.
Because the man I loved, the man who might never be cured of me even if we could never be together, did whatever he could do to make me a part of this after all the years I refused him. It simultaneously broke my heart and made it soar.
And I fear that the future will be full of these moments—wonderful, heartbreaking ones that are inevitable when you decide to be this close to someone you love but can never have again.
"You okay, Kady?" Sidney asked after I haven't spoken for quite some time.
I blinked and smiled a little. "Yeah, I think so. My mind just wandered for a second there."
"Is it hard being here?" he pressed gently. "That's why I didn't really mention Stellan's party much. I wasn't sure you wanted to hear about it."
"It'll get easier with time, I think," I said, trying to broaden my smile even though Jamie's expression told me it wasn't a convincing effort. "At least, I hope it will."
It wasn't exactly a lie.
With time, like everything, it will get easier.
Might just be a lot of time.
Like my entire life, possibly.
I was going to steel myself through a lot of it but tonight, I won't.
I was going to let it sink in.
I was going to be happy about it.
Even through the pain.
Even when Stellan came back later to formally start dinner with a heartfelt thank-you to all the guests and a few dry jokes that scored a smile from everyone, with Lily radiantly beaming next to him.
I will always know what he'd done for me tonight, but at the end of it all, I was still standing where I'd put myself since day one, many years ago—on the other side, always far out of his reach.
It was a distance I'd considered safe, never knowing it's an endless one to cross when you're finally brave enough to take a leap.
*****
"It's gonna be a few really good days on food like this," Delia, one of the women from Passage who came with us, was saying as she took another aluminum tray full of perfectly good leftovers. The guys had brought out at least half a dozen trays from the kitchen at Stellan's and the Marlingtons' insistence and a bunch of us were now stacking them in the back of Jamie's Suburban.
"There's even dessert," I said, smiling at a smaller tray filled with assorted baked treats, from pecan brownies to fudge bars. I glanced up at Stellan who'd just handed the tray to me. "Are you sure these are leftovers? Did you give them double the guest list or what?"
Stellan smiled and shrugged. "We wanted there to be enough for everyone to take home some if they wanted to."
I handed the tray to Terri, our other guest from Passage, who snuck a bar out with an unrepentant smile before adding the tray to the pile. "Sorry but not really sorry."
I just laughed and shook my head just before swiftly moving out of the way as Jamie came through. His arms were laden with a large basket overfilled with different loaves of home-baked bread and several jars of jam. His face was barely visible that Sidney had to give him instructions so he could figure out where he was going.
While the crew was happily ooh-ing and aah-ing at the seemingly endless procession of items we were taking home, I grabbed Stellan by the elbow and pulled him into the shadows cast by the large SUV.
"These aren't really leftovers, are they?" I asked him in a low tone.
"Well, technically they're food left untouched after dinner has concluded," he said, barely attempting innocence. "There just happens to be a substantial amount of them."
He was probably never going to admit it but it wasn't really necessary.
"You didn't have to do this but thank you," I said after taking a deep breath, wrestling with whether to say the rest of it or not. Because while I might've realized early on that part of this was about me, it's only occurred to me now, as we're packing all this nice food to take to Passage, that this is clearly more than just about me. About us.
I glanced up and saw him watching me and even though I couldn't quite see the expression on his eyes in the dark, I could feel that he, too, was wrestling with something he wanted to say.
Guess I was going to have to go first.
"I suspect that you've done more than this to make tonight possible," I finally blurted out. "I'm not going to ask you to explain. I just want to thank you."
"You're welcome, Kady," he said quietly. "I'm happy that you came. It's different in many ways, this year, I admit. I'm grateful for the perspective even if it did come about abruptly."
"That's what I've heard," I murmured, attempting the same kind of innocent smile he couldn't pull off earlier.
He grinned and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, someone inspired it and she should know that she did. She should know that she has that power. She might use it more in the future."
I didn't expect him to admit to it, indirectly or not.
I let out some kind of disgruntled laugh and just shook my head at him. "Slow it down on any expectations of greatness, will you? I can't handle that kind of pressure."
Stellan laughed. "Fair enough. I should know that that kind of pressure can be tough on anyone."
"That's because you make it look too easy. It's a true gift."
At that, I snapped my fingers. "Oh, shit. Your gift. I forgot to give it to you! It's tucked next to the bench in the front hall."
I could've probably just left Stellan to find it but I wanted to see his face as he opened it.
Maybe because you're a masochist and you just love the torture.
"I'm just gonna grab Stellan's gift, okay?" I told the crew. "Can you give me five?"
They just shooed me away, barely pausing in their chatter. It was only eight-thirty on a Saturday night—early for these guys.
"So, what did you get me?" Stellan asked as he walked with me back to the house. We'd been parked by the long dirt driveway when we arrived but Jamie had to drive the Suburban around the house and pull up as close as he could get to the kitchen so that loading the leftovers was easier. The last of the other guests had gone home about ten minutes ago. The few family and friends who were staying the night were having hot drinks with the Marlingtons around the fire pit. The couples with the really young children were in their guests rooms in the house after putting their little ones down for bed.
"Kady! Are you guys driving off soon?" Lily asked as she bounded away from the group by the fire pit and over to us.
I don't know if Stellan told her anything but the woman had never acted weird around me throughout the entire party. I was mindful of my distance from Stellan, trying to stay out of the picture as much as possible. But she was just as friendly to me as she was to anyone. As much as it sucked to admit, there was nothing I could complain about her. She acted like the perfect hostess, always charming and poised, getting along with everyone at the party, even our crew who were certainly rougher around the edges than majority of the other guests. She complimented Stellan perfectly and theirs was a bright future together, for sure.
She's no Rachel, at the very least. And she's definitely not you.
My heart got a little heavy as I greeted her back with as much smile as I could manage. "Yeah. We're almost done packing up. We'll probably be another five, ten minutes."
"In that case, let me thank you now for being here today and for all the help you and crew lent us," she said with great feeling and that's when I suspected she might have had a splash or two of something else in her hot chocolate. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were bright. Max was winking at some people earlier as he volunteered to 'help' make drinks for anyone who nicely asked him. "You all did a terrific job with the table and lights set-up."
I stole a quick glance at Stellan but he was just standing back there with a smile, gently shaking his head. "Um, it was no problem, really. We wanted to help. Thanks for a great party."
"Oh, no," she said with a little giggle right before a hiccup. "A lot of the credit goes to Stellan's staff and the Marlington family for putting all of this together on such short notice. I'm just happy it all worked out!"
She startled me by suddenly pulling me into a quick hug. I didn't have to look at Stellan to know he was perversely enjoying how awkward all of this was for me.
"Thanks again, Kady," Lily said before pulling away. "Maybe we'll do this again soon. For now, may you and your crew have a safe drive back to the city."
"Yeah, thanks," I said, taking a step back just to make sure the woman didn't get any more ideas about a final hug. Drunk people loved to hug and hug all over again when seeing you off. "Enjoy the rest of your evening."
"Kady's just grabbing her gift for me and then I'll be back after I see them off," Stellan told Lily. "Sounds good?"
"Absolutely," Lily confirmed with an exaggerated nod of her head before turning back towards the fire pit. She gave us several air kisses before rushing back to the group.
"Sorry about that," he said after she was out of earshot. "Max probably snuck in some Kahlua or something like that without thinking anything of it."
"It's fine. I came here prepared with the possibility of people drinking," I told him. "I can usually navigate these things without too much issue but I appreciate what you did."
Stellan just shrugged.
"Lily Brant's a nice woman," I blurted out, completely off-topic, because while I may not have had a drop of alcohol, my tongue apparently loosened all on its own.
"She is."
"Exactly the kind of woman I always thought you belonged with," I added. I really liked all that coarse salt rubbed over the wound.
"I know," Stellan replied easily, causing my heart to clench a little painfully. "Any man would be lucky to have her."
I abruptly turned back to our path on the side of the house, angled away from the light so Stellan would miss the tears that had suddenly filled my eyes. I walked deeper into the shadows where I swiped at them with the back of my sleeve. "Anyway, let's go get the gift so you can get back to her."
There was not a soul by the driveway or the front porch of the house.
I stepped inside the foyer, staying on the large entrance mat to keep my dirty boots off the floor. I reached into the small space between the bench and the stub wall and pulled out the heavy rectangular package wrapped in an ultra-soft piece of worn leather with raw edges. It was secured around the item with a matching leather string.
Stellan waited as I stepped back out on the porch, his eyes widening a little when I held out the present to him.
"I was going to give it to you as soon as we arrived but they said you were already helping with the food prep so I set it aside," I rambled, trying to fill the silence as Stellan held the package and studied it intently. "You can open it later but just don't throw out the leather cover. It serves as a mat for the item."
He looked at me, a smile on his lips. "Now, I'm even more curious. Can I open it now?"
Opening it now would lead to him asking questions. Questions I might not be strong enough to answer at the moment especially after that brief episode with Lily and all the lovely things he'd said about her.
But at the same time, I couldn't make myself dismiss this moment.
"It's your birthday. Do whatever you want to do."
He sat down on the wicker bench and carefully untied the string from the item.
I watched, constantly swallowing hard against my drumming heartbeat, as he slowly lifted away the leather cover, lingering on the last corner where his initials, S.E.C.were embossed in an old-fashioned design. He traced the letters with a fingertip, a small smile ghosting across his lips.
Slowly, with all the corners of the square leather unfolded, he moved his hands across the smooth, polished surface of the board, his fingers faintly tapping the gleaming dark and white tiles made from boxwood and ebony.
"You can lift the board from its base with that small leather pull sticking out on one side. All the pieces are stored in there in individual compartments," I said, feeling the need to rush him through what felt like agony to me.
I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
I'm both anxious to find out and tempted to muffle my ears at the same time.
He pulled on the thin, velvety strip of leather which lifted the entire board off the lip where it rested, revealing the inch-and-a-half-deep compartment lined with black suede on the bottom and framed with pale boxwood for contrast. All thirty-two pieces, each hand-carved in a sleek, modern design, were buffed to perfection that the low light glinted off the gloss.
"You made this for me?" he asked in a near whisper as he picked up the black queen to look at it almost reverentially.
"Well, I made all the pieces by hand and finished them all the way down to the gloss. I needed expert help and a lot of equipment for the board itself so I made that in a shared shop in LA that's owned by the woman who runs the woodworking supply store I go to," I said.
And because he said nothing for what seemed like a lifetime, I continued on. "I hadn't really planned on an occasion to give this to you when I first started but it was an idea I got in my head and I just worked on it every chance I got. It was already finished when I came back to town. Thought it might make sense for your birthday."
I was torn between telling Stellan how much time and heart I invested in this board and playing it off as something I just casually worked on the side and had been conveniently ready when his birthday rolled around.
Don't worry. He'll choose which version to take.
He glanced up at me, his dark eyes bright and intense with emotions. Still, he said nothing.
He picked up a few more pieces to examine, finally catching the very small numbers inscribed on the base of each one. His brows furrowed as he figured out the pattern after checking all of them.
"They're dates," he finally said, looking at me again. "Did you date each piece as you completed them?"
I shoved my hands into my back pockets and told myself not to look away from him. "Yes."
"They span the last two years."
I swallowed hard, well aware that I was in for it now. "It connected me to you in some small way. Each piece I finished felt like it marked a step closer to something I desperately wanted for you. Something good. Something beautiful. Something worthy of you."
"And it's not the chess board."
Tears started to sting my eyes again but I smiled through it. "No, it's not."
I could see Stellan's throat working as he fought through his own emotions. "You were never unworthy to me, Kady. You knew that."
My breathing was choppy, like a fist was going through my chest. "The problem was, I could only ever see myself through my own lens, Stellan. And they were never that forgiving."
"And now?" he asked. "What do you see when you look at yourself, after everything you've been through?"
"I try not to look often or I'll be back to where I was in record time," I said, pressing my trembling lips together to keep my voice from quaking. "Why don't you tell me what you see instead."
It was a dangerous invitation.
Because while I've learned how to be kind to myself during recovery, it was easy enough to fall back into the trap of trivializing how much I've accomplished for myself when sized up by someone else.
But Stellan isn't just someone else. He's someone you love. And he's someone who still cares about you. He matters.
After I had enough time to squirm inside, wondering if it had been a mistake to ask, Stellan carefully set aside the chess board and threaded his fingers together in front of him.
"I see a woman who fights fiercely—whether it's against the world or her own demons," he started, a hint of a smile on his mouth. "And she's going to live and love with the same fire as soon as she stops fearing it will burn her."
"You're not worried it'll burn you too?"
His smile deepened. "Not everything burns in a fire. Sometimes, depending on what it is, it transforms."
I laughed softly. "Since you're the scientific authority between the two of us, I'll take your word for it."
The humor faded from his eyes, his smile falling away.
In the dim light, his gaze was open.
Full of yearning.
Full of a great many things I couldn't grasp all at the same time.
"Many times, in the last couple of years, I wished for nothing else but to be there with you. To be there through every step, no matter how many of them you had to take," he said, his voice low and hollow. "Nothing lessened. Nothing abated in terms of how much I cared. Of how much I loved you. Time was my only eventual way out. And even then, time felt like it had stopped for me."
I gasped through a rush of tears, quickly dashing the back of my hand against it, my heart losing pieces inside of me.
There was so much pain in his words.
Pain that hurt worse than anything I've inflicted on myself.
Because it was pain of the one person I'd die before ever hurting again.
"To know that in some way, I'd been with you at some of those milestones, is the real gift here, Kady," he said, tipping me a small, weak smile before he lowered his head. He leaned forward that scant two or three inches that separated us until the top of his head pressed against my stomach.
"Thank you," he whispered just loud enough for me to hear.
There was not one cell in my body that didn't shiver with aching tenderness as I slowly settled my arms around Stellan's shoulders, my hands resting on the back his head. My fingers gently skimmed against his soft hair until he lifted his head to look at me.
I smiled and leaned down to press a kiss on his forehead. "Happy Birthday, Stellan."
We held each other like that for a while, as if time had once again brought the world to a standstill for us.
It ended, and the world spun again like it's supposed to, but the eternity in that borrowed moment, was a lifetime of its own—the only one I might ever share with him.
*****
Ninya's Notes:
Hi everyone!
I hope you enjoyed this long-ish chapter. I loved seeing Kady interact with Stellan and his family and friends in such a laid-back setting with their little ones and all that. I think Stellan asking her about wanting children is pivotal. It was one of those things she knew he wanted but she had long declared would never be in the cards for her. I think she's wanted it all along but was honest enough with herself to acknowledge that at the stage in life she'd been in before, with all her problems, she wouldn't have been a good mother.
What do you think?
Of her conversation with Jack?
Of the small revelation about Stellan changing the party to something that would she'd be more comfortable with?
And of course, her birthday gift to him.
Let me know! I love reading your comments. I can't get to all of them and sometimes, I choose not to answer if it's going to be too much of a spoiler.
Hope you have a good weekend and I'll see you next Friday! (or whatever day it falls where you are!)
XOXO!
Ninya
♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: Hold Me While You Wait by Lewis Capaldi ♪♪♪
I'm waiting up, saving all my precious time
Losing light, I'm missing my same old us
Before we learned our truth too late
Resigned to fate, fading away
So tell me, can you turn around?
I need someone to tear me down
Oh tell me, can you turn around?
But either way
Hold me while you wait
I wish that I was good enough
(Hold me while you wait)
If only I could wake you up
(Hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while?
(Hold me while you wait)
Tell me more, tell me something I don't know
Could we come close to having it all?
If you're gonna waste my time
Let's waste it right
And hold me while you wait
I wish that I was good enough
(Hold me while you wait)
If only I could wake you up
(Hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while?
(Hold me while you wait)
I wish you cared a little more
(Hold me while you wait)
I wish you'd told me this before
(Hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while?
(Hold me while you wait)