XXIX
runaway
Bumundol ang kaba sa dibdib ko. Bumaliktad ang sikmura ko't nanlamig ang buong katawan ko. Panay pa rin ang salita ni Lyon ngunit hindi ko na ito marinig.
Sigurado ako. Ang itim na porselas sa kamay niya ngayon ang parehong bracelet na nakikita ko sa mga panaginip ko. Habang kaharap ko si Lyon, isa lang ang naiisip ko.
If he was the guy in my dreams, he could be the guy I was in love with. And I promised to marry him.
But why didn't he tell me? Bakit hindi niya ako tinulungang makaalala?
Libo-libo man ang katanungan sa isipan ko, wala ni isa ang isinatinig ko. Natatakot akong pagsisinungalingan lang ako nito. I realized I am alone in this. I have since I felt that everyone had their own version of the truths.
Even Lyon was selective when telling me about the past. If he was someone so important, he should have told me so. But he only told me he was a childhood friend. I knew there were some missing parts and no one would tell me that. Whatever is the truth, I will find that by myself.
"Lia?" I snapped back into reality when Lyon waved a hand in front of me.
"You seemed to doze off. Puyat ka ba?"
Hilaw akong ngumisi.
"Medyo. Maraming tinatapos na artwork."
"Oh, what are you working on?"
"Just a portrait, oil on canvas."
"Matrabaho nga 'yan. Alam mo, after college, you should have your own exhibit."
"Oo naman. I'll surely invite you to it. Gusto mo i-portrait pa kita."
"Sure. Magkano ba ang TF mo?" He grinned widely.
"Well, maybe I should price it higher since I'm talking to a Flavio.."
"Oh, wala bang best friend discount?"
I laughed and he did too. We talked of random things throughout lunch. Lyon has always made me comfortable. I don't really remember him or the stories he had told me, but I've always had a natural bond with him. He had always felt familiar.
During that lunch, I couldn't help but think, what if we were more than friends back then? Then Stav crossed my mind and I felt sick to the stomach. My chest felt heavy just by the thought of it. I couldn't bear to think of Lyon and me that way. Nasasaktan ako kapag iniisip kong masasaktan ko si Stav.
I had a few errands to run that day. Nakameeting ko ang ilang mga ka-groupmates ko para sa research namin. I also went to Elite, talked to my agent and fixed my schedule. May upcoming shoot kami para sa debut photos na ilalabas nila sa susunod na linggo.
"I rode the train!! Be proud of me. Kaunti lang pala ang laman kapag gabi na." I told Stav over the phone.
Nag-aya kasi itong makipagkita kanina. Ngunit nang malaman niyang ginabi na ako galing sa Elite, hindi na sana tutuloy kung hindi ko pa pinilit. I told him I'll be riding the train from Manila to Taguig so I could commute and see him faster.
Paglabas ko sa bagon ng train, natanaw ko na siyang nakatayo sa labas ng station.
I ran towards his slightly open arms and clashed on his chest. He abruptly wrapped me in a hug.
"I'm so tired," I murmured while my cheek was smashed against his hard chest.
Totoo namang pagod ako. Masyadong mahaba ang araw na ito ngunit nang magkita kami, parang napawi ang lahat ng iyon.
"I told you, 'wag ka nang pumunta." Ginulo niya ang buhok ko.
"Eh, this is the only time we could meet. Hindi ka naman pwedeng pumunta sa bahay at nandoon sila kuya."
"Pwede namang mag-hotel?"
Naubo ako roon.
"I don't trust that suggestion."
"What? Kung kaya kong magpigil sa bahay, kaya ko rin sa hotel, Clem." He snaked his arm around my waist as we began to walk.
He cooked me dinner in his house while I sat at the dining table and watched him. Pero sa totoo lang, sa panonood pa lang parang busog na ako. Muntik na akong kumuha ng kanin. He's got a gorgeous back, and don't even get me started with the broad shoulders and toned butt.
Mag-aalas-diez na ng gabi at tumatawag na ang kuya Zach ko kaya hindi na rin ako nagtagal pagkakain. Noong pauwi na, pinilit ko itong mag-LRT na lang ulit. Mabuti at naabutan pa namin ang huling biyahe noon. Tinakbo namin ang mula sa ticket booth patungong station.
Tuwang tuwa ako nang walang laman ang tren. I held on to its poles inside as I found us a seat. Tinabihan ako ni Stav at mabilis na pinatong ang braso niya sa balikat ko.
"Ano'ng sasabihin mo sa kuya mo, bakit ginabi ka?" He slightly pulled me to his chest. I willingly leaned there.
"Traffic."
We both chuckled.
"Classic palusot ng mga batang sinungaling."
I slapped his chest lightly.
"What should I tell him then? I went to my boyfriend's house?" Inabot ko ang kamay niya at pinaglaruan ang palad niya sa ilalim ng manggas ng loose sweater.
"Sure. Sanay ka namang gumamot ng mga nabubugbog 'di ba?"
He laughed but I could not return to that. Naalala ko na naman ang bugbog sarado niyang lagay nang makipag-away sa bar. Months since then, I could tell he has changed. He doesn't get into conflicts now. When he promised me he would be good, he indeed became good.
"My Kuya hates you. He really thinks your family's involved in my car accident."
Stav's family and mine were strict rivals in politics and business. That's the reason why my family had told me so much to avoid him. But now I've come to realize, money and politics are too shallow to prohibit love.
"I know," Stav said with a sigh.
Bihira naming pag-usapan ang bagay na ito kaya hindi ko na ipinagpatuloy pa. I don't want our happiness getting spoiled because of such issues. We never talk about the past too.
For some reason, I am comfortable with being that way. I love him as a part of my present now. Whatever there is to discover from the past, I will find that out myself. I won't force him into telling me if he knows anything about it.
"Magpahinga ka muna. Ilang minuto rin ang biyahe." Kinabig ni Stav ang ulo ko at ipinikit ang mga talukap.
"Sing a song?"
Pagak itong tumawa at umiling. Instead of singing, he started to hum a song. I immediately recognized it. It was love story.
"This is one of my favorite songs," I told him.
"I know."
"How did you know?"
"I think I've known you my whole life." He smiled when I met his eyes.
Hand in hand, we went off the train, down the stairs of the station, then to the highways and crosswalks towards our house. In the parking of our building, we secretly bid goodbye.
"Go ahead. Makikita ka ni Zach."
"Ingat ka." Tumingkayad ako upang halikan ito sa pisngi.
Papalayo na ako nang muli niya akong hatakin pabalik. Hinalikan niya ako sa labi at ginulo ang buhok ko.
"Good night." Napapaos niyang saad bago ako pinakawalan.
As usual, sinermunan na naman ako ni Zach. Pero hindi ko magawang mainis doon at panay na lang ang tango ko.
Kinaumagahan, si Stav naman ang inimbita ko sa penthouse ni Zeke. Mamayang hapon pupunta rin dito sila Linn para tumambay.
"Nasaan si Zeke?" Si Stav nang ako lang ang naabutan sa bahay.
"May bibilhin lang daw."
Inaya ko ito sa kwarto upang mapag-isa. It's not like we're going to do anything, but he and my brother are close and I want alone time with him.
"Ano'ng gagawin natin dito?" Tanong niya pagkaupo sa dulo ng kama ko.
"Movie marathon."
"Movie marathon." Ulit niya, may mapaglarong ngiti sa mga labi.
"Movie marathon nga," Giit ko.
I played an action film on Netflix and grabbed us a box of pizza. I lied down beside him and made his arm my pillow. We remained like that for a while. When I tried to turn over on my side, he looked at me with a frown.
"Why?" He asked softly.
"What why? Nangangalay ako," I tried to lie away from him.
"Come back here," He drawled lazily with those heavy eyelids.
So to appease him, I leaned back on his chest and placed my leg on top of his.
"Clingy baby." I teased.
"Clingy with you only."
"Is this boring for you?" Tanong ko dahil parang inaantok na ito sa pelikula.
"No. 'Course not." Pilit niyang binuhayan ang tono.
Para asarin ito at hindi siya antukin, paglalakbay ko ang kamay sa dibdib niya. From there, my hand traveled his hard stomach down to his lower abdomen. I slid my hand and stretched the garter of his Calvin Klein boxers but he immediately caught my wrist into a stop.
"Clem." Mariin niyang saway saka nilayo ang kamay ko.
"What?"
When I tried to do it again, he pushed my wrist back and pinned me on the bed. He quickly switched sides with me and went on top of me.
"I told you to stop."
"Why?" Pang-aasar ko pa.
He collapsed back beside me. His cheeks and ears were flushed.
"You can't do that if you don't want a baby in nine months."
I threw my head back laughing.
"Well, you do know about protection--"
"Let's not have this conversation, Clem."
"Why, is it turning you on?" I teased more because he looked so agonized.
Tumingin ito sa gilid at kinagat ang labi. Nang muling bumaling sa akin, namumungay na ang mga mata. Walang pasabing inatake niya ng halik ang leeg ko.
"Now, does that turn you on?" He croaked in a low baritone.
Hindi ako nakasagot agad dahil nabitin sa pakiramdam. His thumb played with my lower lip and I teased it with my tongue. Napadpad ang mga mata niya sa suot kong kwintas, pinaglaruan iyon gamit ang mga daliri.
"I like your necklace.."
"But I like your hand better on my neck." I teased.
I softly sucked and kissed his thumb while his palm went on my neck. He bit his lower lip and prevented a smirk. His warm hand softly caressed and tightened around my throat while our bodies were pulled close to each other.
"Ano'ng pinapanood mo, Z?"
Naitulak ko palayo si Stav nang biglang pumasok si Zeke.
"Ah, Extraction-" Napahinto si Zeke nang matagpuan si Stav.
"Valerio?!"
I thought he and Stav were close but when he found Stav in my bed, he was about to throw his fist on him if not only I prevented him. Napaamin tuloy kami ng wala sa oras.
"You're watching extraction while extracting my little sister?!"
Napabuntong hininga ako sa gitna ng dalawa.
"Ikaw naman." Dinuro ako ni Zeke.
"When a guy asks you to netflix and chill, do you really expect to chill?" Binatukan pa ako nito.
"Kuya ako ang nag-aya--"
"Halika nga Stav, kakausapin kita."
Hindi ko na napigilan nang sumama si Stav kay Zeke patungo sa guest room. Napailing na lang ako. Saglit lang din naman ang dalawa sa pag-uusap nila.
Tinanong ko si Stav kung ano 'yon ngunit aniya ay pinayuan lang siya nito ng kung ano ano. I couldn't help but grimace at that. As if Zeke has something advice-worthy to give.
Our common friends and some of Zeke's classmates came in later for an indoor pool party. Si Linn lang ang kasama ko magdamag at panay ang hingi nito ng update sa amin ni Stav. Matagal ko naman ng sinabi sa kaniya na kami na ni Stav at halos gabi gabi rin kaming magka-video call pero iba pa rin talaga ang chikahan kapag personal.
"Paano kapag nalaman ng Mama mo ang tungkol sa inyo ni Stav?" Usisa ni Linn.
Mula sa kasiyahan sa pool, dumako ang mga mata ko rito. Kahit na kinabahan ako roon, pilit ko iyong binalewala.
"Hindi niya malalaman."
Monday, the next week, the heavens played a curse on me. Dismissal namin noon at syempre, hinihintay ko si Stav na sunduin ako. Sa halip, isang Aston Martin ang huminto sa harapan ko.
Its tinted windows slid down in slow motion. It was as if the devil made her entrance when it revealed my mother. Lumabas ang bodyguard niya at iginaya ako paloob ng sasakyan. Hindi na ako umalma upang hindi na magkaroon ng eskandalo.
Her face hid behind her wayfarers and Versace golden scarf. She was in a full Versace outfit, from the baroque-printed dress, golden chain bracelet, and black purse. Kabado man ay lihim akong namangha sa suot niyang bagong collection ng designer brand na iyon.
"Mom, ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?" Tahimik kong tanong nang magsimulang umandar ang sasakyan.
"So it's true, nag-U.P. ka nga."
"Yes, ma. You probably had me followed, bakit nagpapanggap ka pang namamangha riyan?"
Mom scoffed before taking off the wayfarers.
"Nakatagal ka na ng dalawang buwan rito. Without even contacting me, huh?"
"I told you, kaya ko."
"Are you keeping in touch with your lola?"
"I left her a message once. Pinaliwanag ko na dito na ako magcocollege. You probably talked to her so I didn't bother explaining more."
"Yes, I did. You know, Zhalia, magiging proud na sana ako sa iyo. You're really stubborn and you wanted to destroy your future by staying here, but you managed to survive without my money these past months.."
Napabuntong hininga ako. Paniguradong may hindi magandang kasunod ito.
"But as you said, I had you followed."
"That's invasion of privacy." I hissed.
"You're my daughter! I just wanted to make sure you're okay." Bumuntong hininga ito't umirap sa ere.
Normally, parents would makeup with their children and call them to make sure they're okay. But my dear mother, Alessandra Luisiana preferred hiring a private investigator to have me followed. How sweet.
"Anyway, I found out something I didn't like." The surge of anger rose in her menacing tone.
"You are dating that Valerio boy." Isa iyong mariing deklarasyon.
I sighed for the hundredth time. I saw this coming.
"Yes, Mama."
"Are you out of your mind?" Nagsusumigaw ang pagkamuhi sa boses niya gaano niya man piliting kumalma.
"Ma, I like him--" Dumapo ang malakas na sampal sa pisngi ko.
Nagpantig ang tainga ko sa lakas noon. Napahawak ako sa pisngi kong nag-aapoy sa hapdi at pinigilan ang nagbabantang mga luha.
"You came all the way here to slap me, really?" Nabasag ang boses ko.
"Para iyan matauhan ka!" Pinandilatan niya ako ng mga mata, natuptop ang noo bago muling bumaling sa akin. Nagsusumidhi ang galit niya.
"Diyos ko. Napaka-estupida mo!" She cursed like she wanted to crush me into pieces with her disgust.
"Ma, I like him! I don't care if his family's our mortal enemy! Labas kami sa away na iyon. Don't even tell me that his family tried to kill me because I know that's not true!" Kumawala na rin ang galit ko.
"That guy is using you for his family's hidden agenda." Giit nito.
"What hidden agenda?"
"I don't know what dark scheme they are trying to pull off but for sure, they are using you to threaten our family, so we wouldn't meddle in their business! It's a desperate move dahil nalulugi na ang negosyo nila."
Pinisil ko ang sentido ko. Paulit ulit ko nang narinig ang argumentong ito.
"Sige nga, sabihin mo sa aking ni isang beses hindi ka muntik mapahamak dahil sa lalaking 'yan?" Mama challenged.
Hindi ako nakasagot dahil may punto siya roon. Stav's name has always meant trouble. There was even a time that I was genuinely scared of him. Pero tila napakalayo na ng lahat ng iyon ngayon. Nabulag na ako sa lahat ng masasamang posibilidad. What I only see right now is the love I have for him.
My mom maybe right. I maybe getting myself in trouble. But I love him. I will find out the truth soon.
"No, ma. He's a nice guy."
"A nice guy. What about that huge fight recently? What about when he messed up your Aunt's party?"
"Ma, please. Tama na. Iyan lang ba ang ipinunta mo rito? Para pagalitan ako?"
"I am here to tell you to stay away from that boy." Mariin niyang hayag.
Napasandal ako sa kinauupuan, pagod nang makipagtalo. Ngunit kahit hindi na ako umiimik ay patuloy pa rin ito.
"I am also here to tell you that you need to go home to Claveria next weekend. We have a family dinner to discuss your engagement with Lyon Flavio."
Napabalikwas ako ng bangon sa kinauupuan. My eyeballs bulged out of my face with what I heard. Umawang ang labi ko ng ilang segundo, hindi alam ang sasabihin.
"What?" The word barely left my wide agape mouth.
"Yes, you heard me right. You and Lyon are about to be engaged." She stated calmly. Parang balewala lang ito sa kaniya.
"Ma, I don't know what you're talking about." Nanginginig ang boses kong sambit.
Mama swallowed hard and held my hand. She must have sensed my crippling anxiety and agitation.
"I know you don't remember it, Zhalia.."
"You know that I don't remember things." My hand slipped away from her grasp. I felt betrayed.
Alam niyang may mga bagay na hindi ko naaalala. Napansin niyang may mali sa akin. Pero ni hindi niya ako tinulungan.
"Yes. I'm sorry if I let you in the dark. The doctor said if we force you to remember, you may permanently lose your memories. We were hoping time would let you remember." She sounded equally heartbroken.
"And this engagement?"
"Ang pamilya natin at ang mga Flavio, may kasunduan tayo."
"May kasunduan kayo, Mama. Paano kami ni Lyon? Hindi niyo man lang hihingin ang permiso namin?"
"Oh, hija. You knew about this before. You and Lyon, you were best friends. When you were nine, we told you about this. And you were so close, you agreed to the idea." Ngumisi ito sa naaalala.
"Then, when both of you were 15, just before your accident, we had an informal agreement. You promised to marry each other when you are at the right age."
Naestatwa ako. Parang binuhusan ng yelo ang katawan ko. Oh god. That was my dream. My mom isn't lying.
I froze in my seat, breathless. Nakumpirma ko na ang hinala. Si Lyon nga ang na sa mga panaginip ko. And I agreed to him. I said yes. He gave me a ring. I agreed to marry him in the future. Those thoughts echoed in my mind like a broken record. No. I can't believe it.
It's ironic because I used to like him. But I can't feel happy right now. I feel trapped.
"Now, both of you are of the right age. Dahil 18 ka na rin naman na, we decided to talk about it--"
"Hindi ako pumapayag." I cut her off.
"Hija, ano'ng hindi--"
"Ma, I don't want it okay?! I don't care if I agreed to it when I was nine or fifteen. I'm eighteen now and I don't want it now! I don't even remember my memories with him!"
Except that wasn't true. Naaalala ko ang ilan. Hindi nga lang ganoon kalinaw. Naaalala ko ang isang gabi sa mansyon, ang singsing at ang pangako ng habang buhay. Naaalala ko ang istorya pero ang karakter, para iyong tinanggal na bahagi. It's sad and I don't know why but I don't remember loving Lyon. I don't love him right now either. I only see him as a friend.
"Pero magkakilala na kayo ulit ni Lyon, hindi ba?"
Tumango ako. Kinuyom ko ang panga upang pigilan ang daloy ng mga luha.
"Then we'll wait until you can remember. Hindi pa naman ngayon ang engagement. Pag-uusapan lang. You can do it when you're 20."
"I don't want to do it at 20." I said soberly over the window. I can't even look at my mom in the eye.
"Then at 25."
"I don't want it at 25 too, Ma." I don't want it with Lyon.
Mom took a long deep breath. May sandaling katahimikan bago ito muling umimik.
"It's okay if you haven't made your mind up yet. You just have to show up on Sunday."
Nanatili akong tahimik hanggang sa huminto ang sasakyan sa harap ng isang hotel.
"Ano'ng gagawin natin rito?"
"You'll be staying here with me tonight. Bukas, ihahatid na kita sa unit mo. I heard you're staying with Linn? That's kind of her but you know, I don't trust that best friend of yours that much."
Napabuga ako ng hininga sa panlalalit nito kay Linn. She is so impossible!
"I'm giving you a car too. Andres will be your driver."
Pagkasabi noon, lumingon sa akin ang may katandaang driver sa harap at tumango. Umawang ang labi ko. She's giving me the rights to her riches again.
"I'm also returning your credit card accounts. And Julio will be your bodyguard." Pagkababa namin ng sasakyan, ipinakilala niya ang body guard na nagbukas ng pinto para sa amin.
Nalaglag ang panga ko sa sunod sunod na balita. Lumuwas talaga siya ng Manila para paulanan ako ng mga ito. It's as if she woke up today and decided to change my whole life.
"Ma, I don't need a body guard." Kontra ko habang nagmamartsa kami sa lobby ng hotel.
Binati si Mama ng ilang staff roon. Nginitian niya muna ang mga iyon bago ako tahimik na binalingan.
"This is to make sure that you don't see that Stav again. Pagkagaling sa school, susunduin ka agad ni Andres at babantayan ka ni Julio kung saan ka man pupunta."
I could not believe it! I curled my fists in restrained anger. Sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko sa lahat ng gusto niyang mangyari. Ni hindi ko pa lubusang naipproseso ang tungkol sa amin ni Lyon.
Gusto kong kumaripas ng takbo ngunit na sa magkabilang bahagi ko ang mga unipermado niyang guwardiya. Tinipon ko ang lahat ng sama ng loob. Pinigilan ko ang pag-iyak hanggang sa makasakay kami sa elevator.
Pakiramdam ko gumuguho ang mundo ko sa bawat segundo. Everything was too much to take in. I just wanted to runaway and crash in Stav's arms.