* warning: drug and alcohol use
(01/04/19)
NIXIE'S P.O.V
I sit by the water, legs held closely to my swimsuit-clad chest watching the waves crash in their own rhythm. The sane continues to be beaten, revealing shiny bits of rock and green glass that have been buried underneath the dull brown for too long. These shards light up the beach when the fading sunlight hits them right, cascading little sparkles down the stretch of sand.
A sigh of relief floods from my lips, a small smile setting as I rest my head on my knees. My grey irises stare out to the horizon, counting every black ship silhouette I see on my fingers. There's only a few at this time.
The colours of the sky are losing vibrancy quickly, reminding me that it is close to darkness. The dusk slipped through my fingers, being replaced with the long, no doubt fun night ahead.
I pick up my heels from beside me, brushing away any damp sand that clings to the velvety material. The many rings adorning my fingers shine under the rising moonlight, the rose illuminated with night time light from all angles. The silver has a tint of blue from the ocean, shifting to pink when the sky takes control. My heart pauses with the distant crashing of the waves at the slight sting the universe hands me.
Nevertheless, I continue to walk back to Lilia's car, where she and Wren are hurriedly getting ready in the backseat. There are lipsticks of various shades and brands scattered across the leather, multiple mismatching shoes shoved into the passenger seat. Another girl sits in the driver's seat, carefully applying a darker crimson lip liner whilst somehow texting.
She catches my confused stare, and smirks, holding out her phone to me with her free hand. A full paragraph has been typed out without her sight, causing my jaw to drop in surprise, and a little bit of awe. She grins momentarily before placing the lip liner beside her.
"Cool, right?"
"Yeah, actually," I smile. "What did it say?"
"Oh I broke up with my boyfriend. He was being a dick yesterday, and I thought he deserved to know that."
My expression must have been amusing, because the girl laughs and pulls me into a quick embrace. Her tanned skin is barely covered by the small neon pink dress clinging to her body, thin straps holding it up. I get a strong whiff of Victoria Secret perfume.
"Don't look so surprised," She giggles, retrieving a mascara. "He won't be."
I turn away, hiding my anxious expression. Instinctively I start to nibble on one of my acrylics, not caring if the blush pink gets chipped. Lilia finally sees me, waving a hand before speaking.
"Hey Nixie!" She draws out, elbowing Wren.
The dark haired girl messes up her eyeliner, eyes widening in horror and hand quickly slapping Lilia's leg in retaliation. The blonde opens her pink lips to say something, but swiftly closes them to hide a giggle at the long, messy line stemming from the corner of Wren's eye.
"You bitch, Lils!" She exclaims, pitch high enough to shatter a window.
"I'm so sorry, look I'll help."
Lilia clumsily reaches a hand out to wipe away the staining liquid, accidentally spreading it further. I turn to face the sea as the two girls start to bicker, voices rising every few seconds in anger.
"So, you're Nixie." The unknown girl smirks, popping her lips out as she finishes putting lipstick on them.
"Yeah, kinda."
"What do you mean 'kinda'?" She laughs.
There's something about her tone that makes me shrink in my seat. It has a genuine happiness to it, yet something so menacing and harsh hiding shallow under the surface. I steal a quick glance at her, only to see she is watching me as well. Her eyes are slightly darker, unnoticeable to anyone who wasn't trying to see.
"I am Nixie. I don't know why I said that." I laugh nervously, trying to pass it off.
"My name's Charlotte."
I look to see her lips setting in a smile, one so unbearably fake I turn away. Charlotte almost looks expectant, arms crossing over her chest and long nails tapping her skin impatiently.
"Nice to meet you, Charlotte." I nod unsurely.
"So Daniel's never mentioned me?"
A cold, bitter laugh escapes her mouth, accompanying the death glare she now shoots me. I gulp, feeling myself become small under her freezing gaze.
"No, I'm sorry," I stumble. "How do you know him?"
Charlotte tears her glare away, now focusing on the road ahead. Her eyes are set, hands tightening around the steering wheel in frustration whilst her cheek sinks with the biting of her lip. She breathes out lightly with a laugh worse than the first one as she speaks.
"We had a good time last summer."
I open my mouth to question her, but my breath is quite literally taken away by the speed of her driving as Charlotte slams her heel on the pedal. The whole car shoots forward, a surprised shriek erupting from Lilia in the backseat. I feel a lipstick hit the back of my ankle.
"Shit, Char! Tell us before you almost kill us!" Lilia whines.
Charlotte rolls her eyes so far I'm surprised they don't get stuck, raising a hand off the wheel to flip Lilia off. I wring my hands out nervously, not feeling safe in this car at all.
I have no idea who Charlotte is. Obviously she knows me.
After a good ten minutes of white knuckling the side of my seat and praying internally that I will still be alive by the end of the night, we pull up to the vibrant, beating night club I've learned to love. Even at the early hour of 9pm, the doors are flooding with people of all kinds. Some hold drinks in both hands, some seem to have already had a few drinks, some are dressed in more formal clothes despite the known fact they will get ruined by a stupid teenager who spills their drink on you and has to explain later to security how they snuck in.
It never ceases to amaze me.
I pull my dress down from where it has risen up around my waist, the hot pink colour luminous against my pale skin. It's only just starting to get cold in Sydney, a bitter chill sweeping through the street we're still standing on. Lilia giggles, taking my hand and running inside. She manages not to fall over in her heels, chasing the wafting aroma of alcohol. It leads us to waiting awkwardly beside a bar counter. The bartender already has deep creases of stress forming in his skin, exhaustion pooling beneath his tired eyes.
"I'm so excited for tonight." Lilia gushes.
"Why?"
"Because I'm seeing that guy again! You know, the one from last time!"
"Oh, Nick?"
"Yeah I think that's his name."
She takes a long gulp from the drink that has just been placed in front of her, swallowing the toxic liquid with a gasp of disgust. It will never seem normal to me how she can so easily drink and forget her night like it doesn't matter what happens. Like it never matters.
Just as I am about to ask further, a strong arm pulls me backwards. I hear a happy laugh in my ear, echoing to my brain and making me grin. I throw my head back, instantly meeting Daniel's chest. Then, the smile fades away.
Is it bad that I still think of Harry when he pulls me close?
"Hey that's cheating! You guys weren't meant to start drinking until we got here!" Daniel chuckles, moving so that I can sit on his lap.
"Not our fault you're slow."
"Have you had anything?" He asks me.
"No, not yet." I shake my head.
"That's my girl."
Something uneasy floods my stomach at his words, how they roll off his tongue so fluently like they should be out in the world. I don't know if I'll ever get used to Daniel saying that.
"Let's get the fun started!" Wren says, holding up her empty glass.
Charlotte stands next to her, giving me a subtle one over and smirking. I swallow my own nervousness when she gives the same look to an unaware Daniel before winking at me and walking off into the crowd. Just as her silhouette disappears in a covering of purple light, Daniel grips my hand and smiles. I feel his warm breath on my neck as he leans in to plant a kiss behind my ear, but just as he gets close, I lean back. His confused frown brings a wash of guilt to flood my thoughts. I smile forcefully, standing and bringing him with me to the dancefloor.
"What's up with you tonight?"
"What do you mean?" I place my hand around his neck to hide their nervous shaking.
"I don't know, you just seem..." Daniel looks me up and down, a strange look taking over his features. "Off."
"I'm fine."
"Really? You know you can talk to me about this stuff."
I take in the sympathetic tinge in his eyes, and how truly concerned he looks. It makes me feel ill to my stomach, knowing that he is now who I'm meant to go to when I don't feel okay. Is that bad?
"How do you know Charlotte?"
I shut my eyes in regret the second the words leave my lips, my hands falling down to my sides and clenching in annoyance at myself. His jaw drops in confusion, before settling into a hidden anger and irritation.
"I don't know her."
"That's not what she told me," I breath shakily. "I'm not trying to say anything, I just want to know what she meant when she said you guys had fun last summer."
"What does it matter to you if we did?" He argues, aggression rising too quickly for me to process.
I step back as he steps forward, suddenly seeming much taller and stronger. Daniel's eyes glow in the lilac light bouncing off every surface, uncovering the obvious emotion that has been brought to the surface by my words. I shouldn't have said anything.
"It doesn't matter, I just want to know what she meant-"
"It meant nothing, so stop asking about it." He snaps.
I sigh, crossing my arms over my chest as he glares at me. I can feel the looks people are giving us as we stand singled out, separated on the busy dance floor, occasionally being bumped into.
"I just asked once." I mumble.
"But it's none of your business so you shouldn't have asked in the first place!"
"What I shouldn't have asked about your life? I keep trying so hard to get to know you better and it's like talking to a brick wall!" I exclaim, my underlying frustration starting to show. "You never tell me anything, so why should I tell you how I'm feeling?"
"How do you think I feel, Nix? Knowing that you used to date Harry Styles? Knowing that you still love him but you keep leading me on because, actually I don't know why you do it. Are you bored? Is that it? Are you trying to make him jealous?"
My jaw drops in utter shock at his words, ignoring the odd stabbing feeling it sends straight to my fragile heart. It almost feels like it broke more, crumbling away into numbness. But Daniel has a fiery glimmer in his dangerous eyes, and heavy breathing of temptation.
"Stop Daniel." I murmur, all fight draining away.
"No come on, we want to get to know each other better, right? Why is it that you still wear his clothes?"
"Daniel stop..."
"Why do you still have pictures of the two of you in your room, and on your phone. I've seen those stupid, disgusting letters you send back and forth when you're drunk," He spits. "Is that how I need to get you so I can know my own girlfriend better? Or is that just for him-"
"I'm not your girlfriend."
My words leave my lips clear and loud. I hear a gasp of shock from one of his friends, turning rapidly into laughter. Daniel stands completely still, almost looking like he wants to laugh.
"Yes you are."
"Not anymore."
I shake my head, blinking back tears as I start to make my way through the confused crowd of dancers, pushing the sound of Daniel's voice away when it starts.
"Maybe this is why he didn't bother going after you. Because you can't keep yourself stable for long enough to make anyone else want to be near you."
I stop walking. My gaze drops to the floor, an overflow of tears brimming in my eyes. This time however, they don't feel sad. They feel angry, and tired, and fed up with letting everyone throw me around like I mean nothing. I swivel around, my dress flowing behind me as I stride towards him, snatching a drink from someone nearby. I clutch the large glass of beer tightly in my hands, not stopping until I'm standing right in front of Daniel once again. This time I'm not scared.
"I know that I'm not perfect. I never wanted to be. But that's the difference between the two of us," I smile. "I can accept that. Have you ever thought in that dull, empty brain of yours, that maybe once, just once, you were the problem? Maybe that's why you can't keep a girlfriend to save your life."
I smile sweetly at how his face drops with each sound of my voice growing more powerful. For once, I'm saying what I want to say and not what everyone wants me to say. I'm tired of being the quiet girl who is always kind and happy even when people are disrespecting her.
With one throw of my hand, the pint of beer covers Daniel from head to toe, the sticky yellow liquid dripping off of his hair and hitting the floor. The room goes silent, the distant whirring of a car outside serving as the only noise. After a few seconds, whispers start among the crowd.
"Thank you for tonight." I murmur, turning on my heels and walking straight to the bathroom.
I wish I could say I was surprised at how Lilia and Wren went to help Daniel clean himself up instead of seeing if I'm okay, but I'm not. I know that their loyalties lie with him. It's a shame it took me this long to accept it.
I weave my way through the suffocating crowd, skin against skin making me suddenly catch the wave of uncomfortable heat. Sweat rubs from a stranger's arm onto mine as I brush past them, breathing deeply through my nose in hopes of letting the anxious wash reside. My breathing hitches with the harsh contrast of the glowing, green-tinged lights of the bathroom, seeming apocalyptic compared to the illuminating purple aura that floods under the wooden door.
Behind the closed doors, I announce myself to any other bathroom goers with a short, sharp scream of frustration, muffled through my hands. The last song I heard rings in my ears, building and dropping intensity with every drawing breath in and out.
My mind won't stop racing, spinning faster with every disjointed thought as they rush past. I can't catch them, only the last few words. Maybe that's all I need.
My grey irises meet their reflection in the mirror. My skin is pale, my lips not as cherry-coloured as they should be with this shade of lipstick. I raise an unsteady hand to my cheek, wiping away the streaks of mascara that start to run down to my neck as desperate tears flow freely. They cause my lips to tremble, my fingers shaking harshly.
How did I get to this moment?
The girl staring back so lifelessly looks like fragments of someone she tries so hard to be, like broken ice beneath melted water. She is flooded with instructions of who she should be, and what she should want, but there is still that tiny iceberg of her true self. It so badly wants to melt, and become one with the other parts of the girl. But the sun won't let it.
"Nixie, are you okay?" Lilia suddenly rushes in, holding her purse tightly around her waist.
Her blonde hair rests on her shoulders, flicking as she slams the door shut, not comprehending how loud she is. I turn away, using both hands to wipe any traces of my tears from view. Just as she meets my eye, I break into a small smile. Lilia only frowns.
"Your lipstick's smudged."
"Oh," I rub the red off of my white skin. "Is that better?"
"Yeah, I guess."
She crosses her arms around her ribcage, hugging her dress tighter to her frame. An awkward silence envelopes the room, our breathing seeming louder and more uneven with each passing second. I hear a rustling sound as Lilia rummages in her purse for something. She clears her throat.
"Do you want any?"
I glance down at her hand, where a little clear plastic bag sits in her palm. Familiar white crystals lie beneath the shining cover, glistening when the light hits them perfectly. I meet her eye, seeing the daring glimmer in their colour.
"Yeah, okay." I force a smile.
Lilia smirks, walking closer to the bathroom counter and pouring some of the bag's contents onto the grey marble. The bright white looks so pure against the dark. She uses her finger nail to form two lines with the powder, one significantly shorter than the other. Without a second thought, she bends down and inhales sharply, moving down the line. I watch as the crystals vanish. They disappear like they were never there to begin with.
However, the small peck of residue on Lilia's painted lip line tells a different story. She exhales with a light laugh, turning to the side and coughing as the substance makes its way through her blood. Nausea pools in my stomach. This is so wrong. Everything is telling me to leave, walk out on this and never come back. Yet, I find my feet forcing me to stand above the daunting line, my knees bending so that I'm staring directly at it.
Then, I do it. Just like I did the first time. And it doesn't feel any better either.
It still stings a bit on my sensitive skin, and still makes me feel dizzy just knowing that I've consumed it. I don't know why I let myself.
"Where's Wren?" I ask, distracting myself from the slight burning sensation in my nostril.
"She's helping Daniel. He was upset that you left him." Lilia pouts.
I can't help myself. I laugh, loudly, releasing some of the build-up frustration lying in my stomach. The strange sound echoes around this dark bathroom, louder than the music that never stops in my eardrums. Lilia stares at me in shock, holding herself tighter.
"Why are you laughing? It isn't funny." She says, too forcefully as if she's trying to convince herself.
"I know," I scoff. "But I've had enough of this."
"Of what?"
I release a wobbly breath from deep in my throat, gesturing to the mess around us. The running mascara down my face. The too-tight and uncomfortable dresses. The unsteady heels. The line of illegal substance resting happily on the counter. The tension between us that you could cut with a very, very sharp knife.
The problems that we run away from every night, choosing to find a hazy safe place underneath the purple light of this night club.
"I think I just need to be alone. And take a break from all of this." I murmur, dodging her eye contact.
"Fine. I'll see you tomorrow, right?"
"Maybe. I might take a day off."
Lilia nods with a tired sigh, grabbing her purse and smiling tightly at me as she leaves the stuffy room. I'm left abandoned with my thoughts, just them and I and nothing else. It feels kind of nice.
But it's so far from feeling golden, isn't it?
I rub my chilled hands up and down my arms, trying to chase away the burning heat starting to settle in my skin. I feel so cold, yet like I'm on fire at the same time. I can't feel my heart slowing down, only the restless thumping of it attempting to escape from its barriers.
I just want to feel like I did a few months ago. Before everything went downhill, before I had dug myself so deep into this hole that I couldn't fully see the light above, only a distant glimmer. I want to feel like I did with Harry.
I watch my reflection as any remnants of sadness fade away so quickly just with one thought of the curly haired British boy. He feels so close at this moment. That doesn't stop the fact that he's thousands of miles away.
He would want me to be open about what I'm feeling. He would tell me as I lied in his warm embrace that everything will be okay, that my stupid idea of feeling golden isn't far away, but close. Harry would keep saying it's so, so close. And the worst part is that I would believe every word of it.
I tear my thoughts in half the second my phone starts to ring annoyingly loudly, replacing the repetitive beating circling in my headspace. My cheeks are rosy, almost burnt looking. I raise the phone to my ear, swiping on the green 'answer' button. It's Griffin.
"Hey..."
"Nixie? Is that you?" He asks.
I can hear the worry in his tone, the same tone he spoke with when he found out I hadn't been seeing the counsellor at university for weeks. It's an awful mixture of disappointment and concern, one that makes you so impossibly nauseous you feel light headed.
"Yeah... Is everything okay?"
"Where are you? You haven't answered any of my calls for the past hour," He asks frantically. "Are you okay?"
I look up to the ceiling, blinking back sudden tears. My other hand clenches harshly around the pink fabric of my dress. It suddenly seems more bright than it should be in this miserable despair. I don't want to lie to Griffin.
"Oh yeah, yeah I'm good, I'm just kind of, well-" I start to ramble.
"You're what? Sorry the connection is cutting out."
I swallow back a cry, feeling so incapably helpless. I just want the floor to open up, and take me with it, leaving no memory of me behind. I want to hide. Griffin keeps talking in the foggy phone call, I've tuned out now. My head won't stop spinning. I want it to stop.
Please, stop.
"Is she okay?" I hear a muffled voice through the crackling wails of the failing reception.
My gaze drops from the blank ceiling.
Everything stills.
My stomach falls, knowing too quickly who it is. Even after months and many nights of trying to erase his voice from my mind, the melody still clings onto me. I choke out a sob, not wanting it to be true.
"Griffin who is that?" I whisper.
The silence envelopes us through the phone. I don't dare to breathe. The effects of the copious amount of alcohol I consumed tonight has started to reappear, hidden for a short time underneath the euphoric downfall. Griffin's voice is low, and distant.
"It's Harry."
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