"I didn't say "I love you" to hear it back. I said it so you knew." - Unknown
***
Drew:
"I love you, Andrew Grayson."
The only thing I could do was stare at her, stunned. My eyes went wide slightly in shocked at her words, and my jaw went slack, leaving my mouth to hang open. With my hand I run it up and down her arm, focusing my eyes on anything by her eyes. I close my mouth, frowning as the only I could think about were those three little words that meant so much.
I love you. Three words. Eight letters.
I didn't dare to look her in the eye, instead I push her off of me, getting off the bed. I get up, pacing the room, running a hand through my hair. I love you, Andrew Grayson. I had only heard thosewords come out of the mouths of my mother and my grandmother. It always felt like they had to love me because my mom gave birth to me, but she didn't have to love, but she did. My grandmother loved me, buts because she was family. And, family is blood. Blood is family. So, shouldn't family just love family altogether? But, that's no what surprised me, though.
It wasn't like I wasn't happy, or over the moon in joy, or anything -- because, I was. But, then, I was remembered of my first girlfriend (who cheated on me), and she said 'I love you'. And then you have my father, the bastard, who when I was kid would tell me he "loved" me. I wasn't very good at this kind of thing; relationships. I was diagnosed with attachment disorder when I was eleven, PTSD when I was thirteen and I witnessed a man being beaten to death, and a case of anger management disorder.
The thing about growing up in a small town was that word got around quickly. If you cheated on somebody, or if a married man or woman had an affair, all would seem like rumors to tourists, but the rest of knew it wasn't. Because, it would spread like wildfire. The word 'love' wasn't something you just throw around where I came from. Grown ups told it like if was some sort of oath -- which, when I was kid, I thought was some sort of joke --, but now that I'm standing here, having been just told those particular words, I was terrified.
It took me time, but I finally stopped pacing, escaping my thoughts, turning around facing Andromeda. When I turned around I saw a look of hurt, guilt, and sadness all mixed up into one, and it's something I liked to call: severe anxiety. Sitting on the bed, with their hands playing with the end of the comforter, sat my girlfriend. As I took more noticed if facial features I saw that her bottom lip was quivering, and her green emerald eyes -- which once shone bright only mere minutes ago -- were dark and misty, clouded by tears.
Slowly, I step closer to her, and when close enough, I take a strand of hair that was in her eyes and tuck it behind her ear. The gesture held words, ones I couldn't explain, but thankfully it's all it took for Andromeda to look up at me, staring into my eyes. Our eyes locked, and I saw how much pain I caused when I pushed her away from me. It was a lot.
She looks back down at her hands, still playing with comforter. "You... You don't need to say back, okay? It's just...," she takes a deep breath, her voice wavering in different pitches as she held back a sob. "It's - it's just... I needed you to know. Because, I do love you."
I bit my lip, my hands clenching into fists. "I - I can't. I just can't say it... I mean, I can, it's just... when you said those words I felt so happy, yet terrified at the same time."
"How did you think I felt?!" She asks, a frown set on her face, looking completely frustrated. "I was scared. Hell, I was even terrifed. Wanna know why?"
"Probably not," I answer, my hands shaking, but I gesture for her to continue anyway.
"Because, I just told the guy I love, I love you. And you want know what you do? You basically regretted me -- which is like one of my top ten worst fears!" She states, flinging her arms up in the air. My eyes looking into hers, and it's baby blue with emerald green, and I could see she was holding back tears that wanted to fall so badly.
As our eyes stay on each other, my hand goes up to her cheeks, and went my palm hits her skin, I use my thumb and I stroke away the old tears that had already fallen. All I wanted to do was take away the pain, the hurt, but I couldn't.
Suddenly, as if I had forgotten we were in a fight, I lean down and connect my lips onto hers. And for a second everything was alright with the world, like nothing could go wrong. Because, I was here with her, and she was here with me. Her own hands run up and down the sides of my arms, and she steps upward on her tip toes, deepening the kiss. This kiss wasn't like the others, though. This kiss was filled with all kinds of emotions, ones I couldn't name off st the top of my head, but the ones that did were horrifying if I ever said them out loud.
I knew that, deep down, that every kiss, every hug, every hand hold, every day I spend with her, I was falling so very deeply in love with her that it terrified me that I would never be able to let her go. Physically maybe, but emotionally? Never. She'd would always be there in my heart, and as I feel her run a hand through my hair I'm remembered how we go here. In this very position. Very quickly, with no warning, I'm hit with a memory. One that meant something to me.
"My coat!" She screams, pouting like a five year old. In my honest opinion, it was one of the most cutest things I've ever seen. She, Andromeda, was absolutely adorable.
Without thinking, no hesitation, I take off my jacket. I didn't want her getting a cold, or getting a chill -- her mother would probably have my head if Andromeda got the flu.
"Here," I offer, holding out the jacket for her to take. Her head turns to look up at me instead of her now mud-covered jacket.
She shakes her head. "No, I can't do that."
In my head I was screaming,"Don't do it, Andrew! Don't do it!", but on the outside, I just give her my signature smile, one that she doesn't notice.
"Yes you can," I insist, igorning myself-conscious, and walk over to her, wrapping my black jacket around her shoulders. It wasn't going to do much by the looks of it, the top layer soaked by the rain, but the inside was probably still warm.
After a few seconds, when she's done contiplating whether she should accept it or not, she whines out, "Fine...". She slips her arms through the sleeves of the jacket, and for some reason, she smiles; looking content.The odd thing was that I had the sudden urge to kiss -- like they do in the movies --, but I hold back, not letting my temptations and hormones take control.
I stay still for a minute, just watching her. But, then I remember we're both standing here and in the pouring rain, and if you didn't get into the truck soon we'd get Hypothermia or Pneumonia.
"Hey, you coming or not?" I ask, and she looks dazed and confused for a second, but then she snaps out of it as if she had been day dreaming.
"Yeah, I'm coming." She answers,her voice low, as she follows me to my truck.
I'm brought back to reality shortly after, gasping for air as my lips leaves Andromeda's. My eyes open, I hadn't even noticed they were closed until I'm looking straight into a pair of concerned and confused emerald green ones.
"You okay?" She asks, raising an eyebrow.
I nod. "Yeah...," I let my voice trail off. My lips burned from the kiss, and somewhere deep down inside of me it felt wrong. Like I shouldn't have kissed her, not when I couldn't even say "Iloveyou" back to her.
"Andromeda, I'm sorry," I tell her, walking past her to the door.
"Where are you going?" She asks, but it sounds more like a plea kd sadness and hurt, and my heart breaks little by little.
"Somewhere that isn't here," I explain, my hand on the door handle, swinging it open.
Before I leave I hear her question, "Why?"
"Because, you can't love me." I answer, walking out of the room and closing the door, not looking back as tears welled up in my eyes.
***
A week had past since the fight between Andromeda and I, and in that time we and the others had come back. It had been an awkward trip back on the thirty-eight hour plane ride back, but never-the-less we did our best to remain civil around each other. Andromeda had moved out of the tent we shared after an hour of silence when I tried to talk to her. She was ignoring me, but she had ever right to.
She was currently sleeping in her own tent - which wasn't recommended by elder campers but after the agrument she had held during lunch when she hadn't gotten her way, she fought the members on the council like it she'd die if she didn't. It didn't shock me when she came by our - I mean my tent - when I was out, but I had came by early to grab fresh clothes to take a shower and I had caught her trying to sneak away.
That was last time I had actually talked to her in three days. Every now and then I'd see her walking through came camp by herself or she was with some of the younger kids. Even though she was new here everyone seemed to love her, especially when she saved that one kid from dying. She didn't have to do anything, never had to work for the effort of someone liking her; it always seemed to amaze me, though, the way I gravitate to her like she's a magnet and I'm just some sharp piece of metal.
I didn't know how I could say sorry without making it worse. This wasn't exactly our first fight as a couple, we've had about three or four. But none of those fights hurt like this one -- like how my heart plummeted straight down into my stomach when I saw that it wasn't me making her laugh and smile. Because instead of being the good guy -- like I'm supposed to be--, I'm the bad guy, the one that Andromeda looks at her smile turns into a frown.
It was just me and my demons, now. Alone. By ourselves. If this is what heartache felt like, I didn't want it. I didn't want to be the one that broke someone's heart into a million pieces. I didn't want to be the bad guy, the monster. I wanted to be the hero, the one that saves the girl. I knew I couldn't be one; the hero. Because for me to the hero there's gotta be something for me to save, and I can't save her. For me, when I look at her and the way she walks I don't see some damsel, I see a strong, confident, independent female who's gonna save herself.
So, I'm gonna put away my armour, put the sword down. And watch as the world goes by. Because, I'm gonna figure things out, but I'm also gonna let Andromeda have her space, no matter how much it might hurt, and kill me inside to do it.
Andromeda:
Andromeda, are you okay?
I glance over at the squrriel sitting beside me, his voice hight pitched and squeaky, causing me to wince as the the sound of his voice. Nodding, I lie, hoping the small animal wouldn't notice my discomfort.
Really? He asks, squeaking as he places his tiny paw onto my hand.
I sigh. I don't know.
He nods, like he actually understands. Wanna talk about it?
Not really. No. I respond back to him in my head, kicking the lake water with my feet lightly. The wooden dock was probably the worst thing I could be sitting on right now as it swayed back and forth as small waves from my kicking crashed against it.
Is it Drew? The squirrel -- or, Stanely, as I had called him, asks.
My heads turns quickly to look down at him, Stanely, so I could shoot him a glare. Do not speak of him. Not here. Not right now.
Ah, so it is about the boy. I clench my hands into fists, trying hard not to wrap my hands around Stanely's neck and throw him as far as I can across the lake.
Maybe. But it doesn't matter.
That's a bit of an understatment, don't you think? Trying so hard to block out his voice, but it kinda hard seeing as it was literally like he was in my head.
What's with all the wise crap, Mother Teresa? I ask, shouting it at him in my head. I meant it as an insult but by the way he was standing up straighter, it was clear he didn't get the message.
Don't change the subject. I'm only trying to help. He states, trying to cross his front paws, but failing miserably. It was quite the amusing sight to see.
Yeah? Well, guess what, Mother Teresa. I Don't want youre help. No. Help. Wanted.
Mhmm. Whatever you say, Beauty.
Coughing, I choke on my spit. The way 'Beauty' was supposed to be used was in a loving way. Not in one that was hurtful and insulting. Stanely had hit a place way too close to home by calling me that, but I couldn't find it in myself to yell at him.
Don't call me that. Ever again. Only Drew gets to call me that. I explain, sadly. My heart felt like it was breaking inside of my chest. It wouldn't surprise me if it exploded into a million pieces right now. I was about to fall back, but the sound of another animals voice popped into my head.
Andromeda!
Turning around, expecting to come face to face with something, but instead all I get is the scenery of the forest.
Up here!
I look up, spotting a crow flying over my head. What?!
It's Drew and his father! Something's wrong with Drew, though, he looks like a grizzly bear.
A grizzely bear? What the hell -
Just go! You'll understand it all when you get there.
Without another word, I'm up and running as fast as I can towards camp. Whatever the mystery crow was talking about it sounded serious. I kick up fallen leaves, twigs, and dirt as I run, my feet taking me as fast as the could. Wind ripples around me, and there's nothing else I can hear execpt for my own heart beat in my ears and the yelling. Oh God, the yelling was so loud and fierce.
At first when the camp comes into veiw all I see is bunch of campers surrounded Drew and his father in a large circle. I slow down, but don't stop as I walk foward, a few campers trying to stop me from getting in, but I push them away. It wasn't until I standing there, watching what was happening before him.
Yelling, shouting, at one another was Drew and his father Joesph. It was them, but at the same time it wasn't. The baby blue eyes they both once had were now the color of gleaming gold, muscles bigger, and where finger nails were supposed to be had been replaced by shiny, sharp, black claws. The description of a grizzly bear didn't fit the two of them. They looked more like wolves.
Neither one of them had spotted me yet as they had their eyes locked on each other. I chew on my lip, a curious part of my brain told me to walk up to one of them and see what happens, but the rational side told me to stay where I was. To turn back and run away. But, for some strange, and unexpected reason, I wasn't scared. Nothing like fear ran through me at all. I stared at Drew in wonder, knowing exactly what I was going to say.
"Drew?" I ask, softly, but loud enough for him to hear. He stops growling at his father, or the man who abandoned him as a boy, and looked up at me with guilt and shame in shinning in his gold eyes. I watch as his claws turn back into fingernails, and his muscles become a little smaller.
He turns away, hiding his face from me. "Go away, Andromeda."
"No." I tell him, my voice filling with confidence. I step closer to him, and every step I took that brought me closer to him, his voice huffed out in uneven breaths.
"I said go, Andromeda." He says, ordering me, but I shake my head. Gently, I reach out, placing my hand on his shoulder. He tenses up at my touch, but then softens.
"And, I said, no. I'm not going anywhere, so you shoulder probably turn back and face me." I say, and he shakes his head in protest. A sigh escapes past my lips, and I knew there was only one thing that could truly get him to listen to me. I didn't know why, but tears started to well in my eyes as the anticipation of seeing Drew's face was literally killing me inside.
"Please. Please, turn around, Drew. I need you, and I know you need me. Because, you can fight me all you want, tell me I can't love you, and push me away all you want. But, here's the thing, Andrew, I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere if it means leaving you behind, and I just can't do that. You are my best friend, my family, and you literally hold my heart in your hands. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. I would've never learned how to trust, to learn how to be in a friendship, and especially how to love. You see it all the time in the movies, but this, this thing between you and I is something I'm not going to give up on. I'm a fighter, and I'm going to fight for you even you don't want me too. Because, I'm not afraid. But you, after leaving me broken hearted in an apartment room, and not speaking to me isn't how this is going to end, Beasty. And, I just won't let you give up on your Beauty."
It was dead silent after that, with the exception of a few coughs here and there, and then the woman in the crowd burst out with the 'awes' and the slight scolding of the men going, "you better turn around, Grayson."
And, surprisingly, he turns around, tears in his now baby blue eyes.
"How can you love me when you just saw me like a monster?" He asks, and all I do is simply step forward and place a hand on tear stained cheek.
"Because, Beasty, you are not a monster in my eyes, and in the world there are much worser things to love."
Hi, I'm very, very sorry for the late updates. Now, I kinda explained this in the last chapter, but my great uncle died last weekend, and my grandfather is currently in the hospital witha serious infection that's causing him to halicunate things and it's all thanks to a tear in his bowel.
I hope this chapter was up to everyone - or to at least some people's - standards. I would like to say a big THANK YOU to everyone that's reading this author's note, because you all have help me get to 10K today, and I know that may not seem like a lot but to me it really is.
Also, if anyone of you watch The 100, then you must know that the season 2 finale was yesterday, and I cried tears throughout the whole episode. Mostly when the amazing -- yet heartbreaking -- Bellarke moment at the end.
Now, this book is probably going to be ending in another five chapters, and within those chapters a lot will be revealed.
'Outsider', sequel to this very book will -- I can't promise anything -- may or may not be pulling a Rick Riodian and you'll will probably be waiting a while. I won't be evil and make you all wait a year, but it will take a while to sort some stuff out with it.
Thanks for reading :)