(y/n)'s POV:
If one thing's for sure, it was that I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to kiss Chris that day we were on the floor, on our break after a couple interviews for AOU. He was literally right there, sporting that soft grey sweater, with those soft pink lips and those pretty blue eyes— I exhaled loudly and rubbed my fingers over my eyes carefully as to not smudge off my makeup. I can't think about this right now. I bit my lip as I stared down at the outfit I had for my interview with Jimmy Fallon in a few hours. I wore a pair linear suit, a silk fabric top and this white pair of heels I had brought with me for the press cons here in LA. It just felt right so I just carried them along anyway.
I fall back down on the hotel bed and let out a sigh. I didn't want to go anywhere today, or even talk to anyone. Fate decided I needed this and today, after five days since that incident, I had to go to an interview with, luckily enough for me, Lizzie for the promotion. But I just wanted to sleep until lunchtime tomorrow, I didn't want to dress up and look good today. I wanted to find out why the heck I'm doing this to myself and why I'm doing it to myself now.
I suddenly hear a fairly loud knock on my door, snapping me out of my train of thought. Why do people keep knocking? I always leave it unlocked anyway.
'Because some people actually have respect you idiot.'
"Look, I don't know who you are, but if you know me, you should now that I ALWAYS leave my door unlocked all the time. It doesn't even make sense anymore. And if you're some serial killer, why don't you just get it over with already?"
"Geez, why are you so dark?"
I immediately push myself up to see Renner already standing at the foot of the bed, in casual clothes. He looked like he was going out. I huff and fall back down into the bed. "I didn't hear you come in."
"I knocked, didn't I?"
I blinked and pushed myself back up to the bed. "What do you want?"
"Lizzie wanted to know what time you two were leaving... but since you're wallowing yourself in darkness and pity, might as well clock Papa Hawk in to pull you out."
Renner lets himself sit on the edge of the bed and I fully push myself up to sit beside him. I fiddle with my nails, trying to scrape the maroon nail polish Scarlett did for me earlier, just out of habit. "I just don't feel like doing this right now."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Renner asked softly, leaning over his knees to look at me from below.
"Because I didn't think I'd feel this way again..." I shrugged my shoulders. Renner hums and looks across the carpet, thinking. I inhaled deeply and looked up, pursing my lips into a thin line. "What do you do when you're in love with... two different people?"
"Love?"
"In love..." I correct him, causing him to let a small chuckle. "Is there a difference?"
"Well... for me, there is." I scoot closer to him in curiosity, propping my elbows down on my lap and hunching over to rest my chin on them. "I think that when you love someone, you love everything. From their smile, to their laugh... you love every little bit about them that you... wanna be with them. That you crave them. That from the beginning, it's been them. Then realization hits you all of sudden and it's so much more than you thought."
I made a pop! sound with my lips, chewing on my lower lip in thought. "How about... being in love with a person..? How does... what does it mean to be in love with a person?"
"Well, I think that when you're in love with someone, you love the idea of being with that person. You love the idea of that person with the idea of you, maybe even the idea of that person alone." Renner nodded his head, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and turning over to look at me. "You admire the person... you smile at the mention of the person. The line between being in love and loving someone are so close together there's almost no seeing it. For me there's still that tiny itty bit of space. So which is it lover?"
The tiny bit of space in between loving someone and being in love with someone... the line it doesn't cross... I look up at him and force a smile. "You know what? I'll get back to you on that." I laugh slightly. Renner chuckled and gave me a side hug, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly and letting me lean on his shoulder for a bit.
"You know where to find me, yeah?"
"In a dumpster in Hell's Kitchen?" I joke, ducking my head down a little bit to hide the toothy grin I had spreading across my face. Renner rumbled with laughed, poking me on the side playfully, calling me mean. "Hey!"
"You sure you'll be okay?"
I nodded. Renner patted me on the back, whispering 'good luck' before making his way out of the room, saying something about some nice bar near the hotel and a really cute park. As soon as I hear the click of my door, I lean back on my arms, kicking my heels up a little to admire them... pretending to admire them. Maybe I was just in love... what was love to me anyway? The last boyfriend I had was... forever ago.
I knew that ever since back then, I was in love with Sebastian... that I forced myself out of it, multiple times when I knew for the first time that I felt something more than what I should've, then kept saying to myself that the love wasn't worth all these years of friendship. But then Coney Island happens and he tells me he loves me, he kisses me, he worshipped me, all those little reassurances of appreciation and loyalty were actual feelings disguised underneath a friendship label.
I denied all the feelings I started feeling for Chris the moment I realized I loved him — all that little domestic shit we do every time we were together, all the sleeping on lazy days, the games we watched on the TV — it felt... wrong. Not wrong, never wrong in a sense that we were doing something wrong, but because I knew somewhere in between those feelings it was right. It was what I wanted.
But then I couldn't afford to feel that way.
Because Chris was also one of those people I trusted and cared about.
"Well what the hell..." I mutter.
Lizzie comes in just in time before I could even plan on doing something drastic... dramatic, holding classic black Louboutins in her hands and donning a white and black long sleeved dress, a golden zipper running down the back until her waist line. her hair parted to the side in waves, similar to the free waves Scarlett did for me too. "Sooo," she trailed off, plopping down beside me. "I heard from Renner on my way in, the guys are doing some sort of bar raid." she smiled. "Are you okay?"
I sighed, blinking a few times. "It's a... me situation. Just... my guy situation."
Lizzie gently hold my hand. "Will you be okay doing the interview tonight?"
"Of course I will, it's not everyday we do interviews together."
A small chime sounded from my phone, which was in my back pocket. I reach back and pull it up. Sebastian just posted on Instagram. Lizzie gives me a look before scooting closer to get in on Sebastian's newest post.
My eyes widen as a short eight second video plays of me baby talking and playing with Casey. She was already three months in this video, and it was the same video I sent to our group chat with Scott, Carter, and Chris. I took Carter to the dentist and Casey to get her shots and Chris and Sebastian were both looking for me because we were going to do spring cleaning in all three houses in LA: me and Seb's, Chris', and Gracie's.
"You bored baby? I know you're bored. I am too." I cooed softly, bopping her nose. Casey looks up and rolls onto her legs to sniff at me. I giggle and put my hand down at the camera, showing me in a large blue long sleeved shirt I had borrowed from Sebastian's closet. Casey leans down and licks my palm, whimpering. "Do you miss your daddy Casey?"
Casey jumps up and we almost fall over. I hold her as she pulls off my cap and puts it on my lap, pawing at it while looking at the camera. "You actually deserve an Oscar for that."
Casey whined and rests her head on the cap while gently biting on the sweater, pulling it over my hands. "You miss both of them? You needy little girl." I rub her forehead. I end the video, tucking my phone away. Casey barks, excitedly wagging her tail back and forth, having me look back to see Carter coming out through the glass doors. Casey stops and sits down on the ground in disappointment. I laugh and put her leash back on and stand up. "Couldn't have taken another hour longer in there?" I joke.
"What's up with Casey?"
"Oh, uh, she just misses Chris and Seb."
"Yeah... 'her daddies'." Carter smirks as he holds up his phone, where a video played... one I just sent to our group chat... a group chat he was apart of. "Come on Kitty Cat, if you think I can't put two and two together, then it's you who can't put two and two together."
My face heats up at the memory, my heart beating that little bit quicker that it was noticeable if you really focused on a sound. It did not help with the situation I currently was in, taking in a deep breath. "Huh..."
"Huh? That's your reaction?" Lizzie asked. I turn my head and stare at her, eyebrows furrowed down in confusion. "Go call him." she urged me, bumping her arm into mine.
"Look, it's not even about me, he's talking about our dog."
"Yeah... the dog who he's currently with back at the house you both share. Why else would he post that?"
I stay silent for a second. I found out that the Johnson Space Center tour isn't until September... and he's just doing his separate interviews for 'The Martian' and some photo shoots. Lizzie chuckles, shaking her head softly. "We're not leaving for another hour (y/n)... go call him. I'll see you in the car."
Third Person's POV:
As soon as Lizzie leaves the room, you're left in silence. Never complete silence when your in the city, in a room floors high from traffic. Focusing on just the silence, all of a sudden, your thoughts are echoing through your head, accompanied by the soft rumbling of the air conditioning unit in the room and the traffic below. 'Call him Catherine. Call him.' you mentally yell in your head. You huff and run your thumb over the back of your phone, staring at it.
Should you?
Would he even answer?
You've felt these things for a long time, you've convinced yourself with every girlfriend he introduced, every loving gaze and stolen kiss you've seen from the third wheel's view, that whatever you felt was just what you craved. You craved to be loved, to be held that way... you haven't craved that feeling in a long time. After Sebastian gave up on relationships, you became constant. He became your constant. You didn't have much to loose... right? Well... not yet anyways. You squeezed your eyes shut and took in a deep breath, heading on to unlock your phone and tap on his number, ring him up, say what you had to say because you could not face millions of people live with him on your mind in such way.
Your phone started ringing.
Sebastian blew out a ring of smoke, the sudden feeling of vibration causing him to choke midway. He coughed and held his phone up to his ear quickly without even checking the caller I.D. "Hello?"
Your breath hitched in your throat. Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed slightly, not stopping the growing grin that started to curve upon his lips. "(y/n) Catherine. To what do I owe such pleasure?
He heard you mutter 'asshole' under your breath, drawing out a deep laugh from his chest. He waits for you to take the lead, say something, but you're silent, Sebastian swore he could hear your air conditioner running. "You okay?"
"I..."
Sebastian waited, worry spreading across his features. He gets up from his spot on the porch, abandoning the half-finished cigarette bud on the edge of the steps. "Hey what's wrong?" he asks, walking into the house, turning off the porch lamp lights as he disappeared into the house.
"No, no, I'm fine." you say softly. He could have almost sworn he heard you gulp.
"I heard from Chris earlier today." Sebastian paused, the phone call Chris made playing back into his head. "Said you spent all day in your hotel room, might've mentioned that interview with Jimmy Fallon."
"It's... it's a factor."
Sebastian knitted his eyebrows together, standing in the middle of the kitchen with a hand on his hip and the other holding his phone up to his ear as he awaited you to continue your sentence. You sighed and played with the ends of your blazer.
"Um... I can't... I can't stop thinking about you."
Sebastian blushed, biting his bottom lip. "Huh."
"Really? That's all you have to say for it?"
"Sorry." he cleared his throat, a failed attempt of hiding up the laugh that was bubbling within his chest.
"Sebby!"
"I'm not laughing! I'm just... flustered."
"Says the guy who kissed me sensual against a wall." you muttered, rolling your eyes.
"Stop rolling your eyes at me." Sebastian muttered, blushing heavily against the tightly pressed fist against his mouth, hoping to numb the whole feeling of his face.
Your jaw fell open in shock and faux offense, about to make your point and take a stand when Sebastian interrupts. "Don't."
You rolled your eyes again, knowing for a fact that it was a coincidence. "Really?" he deadpanned, thanking the god above him that you didn't see the wide smile on his face.
"I am not rolling my eyes at you!"
Sebastian chuckled. "You always seem to forget that we've been friends for decades."
"Okay, that's— that's overstating things."
"I feel like I've known you for a lifetime and in my past life's lifetime."
"Which we've discussed at thirteen was probably a worm—"
"That is besides the point—"
"Not your point. You meant a caterpillar but we all went along with the worm idea and I'm kinda seeing it a little—"
"You are impossible." Sebastian chuckled softly. And just like that, you avoided the subject again after bringing it up. Sebastian looks down at his feet. "You're gonna do great sweetheart."
Your heart fluttered, all playfulness drained down with four simple words. You poked your tongue out to wet your dry lips, looking down at your hands. You took a deep breath and nodded your head, urging yourself to use it as a confidence boost. "Yeah..." you gulped. "I needed that a lot."
"You left your location on, by the way." Sebastian nodded his head at the location display, despite knowing you wouldn't see it. His eyes drift away from the bright screen towards the key rack, the few keys dangling together in the little wind the open window let in. He walked toward the window and pushed it down, staring at them, having a little debate in his head.
"No— Sebby... I..." you breathed in. "I really needed to hear that from you today...
'I love you.'
Sebastian smiled contentedly. "And I needed you to know that..." he paused. His mind screaming 'I love you too', so loud that he's so much as convinced that silence was ear shattering. "That. You got this honey. And also, please don't forget to lock your door."
You giggled, rolling your eyes as you finally put your phone down, tapping end call. It's now or a minute later. You get up from the bed and pick up your bag and hotel key card, reaching down to pick your heels up while opening the door.
You pull one heel up and balance yourself with help from the doorknob, gently pulling it close.
"I should be seeing you on TV right now." you heard someone call out, quickly tucking your key card back into your bag while slipping on the other heel. You turned her head, seeing that it was Chris, wearing his black NASA cap, jeans, and a white t-shirt, slung over his shoulder was his black travel backpack; it was just another one of his casual looks. He's holding an unopened beer bottle in one hand, undoubtedly snuck in, and his bag looked suspiciously packed. He was just about to head inside his own hotel room, which was just besides yours.
You let out a breath of relief and relax your stance. 'It's just Chris...'
You slings your bag up higher on your shoulder and start walking towards him. You keep a distance, close conversation distance, Chris closing in the last few steps. You both didn't want to wake up or disturb anyone, despite having the whole floor to yourselves. Chris grinned, tucking one hand into his pocket. "You gonna give me a twirl or do I have to lead you?"
You giggle.
"You are my fashion expert sooo..." you play along, extending your hand towards Chris, who raises an eyebrow at it. You gave him a playful pout. "I need this Evan."
Chris chuckled and pulls out his right hand from his pocket, taking your extended fingers and guiding your twirl, not even having to raise it higher than it is to help you complete the twirl flawlessly. You let both your hands drop and he's staring right at you with a dopey smile on his face, still holding your hand gently in his.
You laugh. "What do you think?"
"The power is drivin' me insane, should've given me a warning." Chris chuckled, letting go of your hand and tucking it back into his pocket. You nodded, letting out an audible exhale. He studies you, eyebrows furrowed together and leaned down a bit. "You okay sweetheart?"
"Just a little nervous I guess." you laugh nervously, rubbing your arm as the air seemed a little colder tonight.
"You're gonna do great. We all have these moments, just gotta take a deep breath."
"I'm just worried I'll... mess up or something... it's live... so..." you gulped, trying to push back down the nervous, erratic beating of your heart, rubbing your hand on your exposed collarbones. You let out a shaky breath. Chris strides long, taking you into his arms and giving you a soft hug, rubbing your back.
"You've got nothin' to worry about," he sighed softly, taking in your perfume for the night, pressing a kiss on your coat covered shoulder. "We'll be right here for you."
"Yeah..." you nodded your head, wrapping your arms around him tighter, your hand running through the back of his head, letting the moment sink in for a second more. "You guys always are..."
Another set of I love you's are whispered into the air in that exact moment of time, two locations, the other miles apart and another only a couple steps away, as you all parted, going on your separate ways.
• • •
You and Lizzie leave as soon as Lizzie saw you come out of the elevator, taking your hand and excitedly dragging you to the car. You looked back up at the balconies, seeing Chris with his illegal snuck in beer, waving slightly at him before taking off. Chris spend the next hour waiting for the show to premiere on the television provided in his room, checking up on his phone every once in a while for a message from you or at least in your group chats.
He smiles widely when a light ding comes from his phone on the large empty spot on his bed, resting above the white covers.
A few minutes later, the program finally starts. Done all the introductions and greetings, dived right into questions about the movie. Just like clockwork, you've all done it multiple times over and over again. Jimmy asks about Lizzie's debut in the MCU and your reaction to it, which you answered excitedly and in a funny way — playfully putting in how nervous you were to be in the show for the first time. Lizzie mentioned you both being friends and meeting even before the MCU, and even throwing in how you didn't even know Lizzie and Aaron were in the Winter Soldier until a little later.
Jimmy even brings up your surprise performance in Taylor's RED concert in the Philippines, then Lizzie's first encounter with Taylor, and you couldn't stop laughing at her story, one Taylor wouldn't let Lizzie live down. They weren't as close as you were to the other, but you made a terribly amazing trio. You really were enjoying yourself, you were practically glowing at this point, studio lighting be damned.
You and Lizzie walked out of that studio with the biggest grins on your faces, hand-in-hand and practically squealing with delight. Wendell, your driver for the night, had to calm you both down to even get you into the car. He even decided to treat you both to dinner, which lead you three to McDonald's, as Lizzie suggested.
Wendell was an old fella, being a celebrity driver in LA for a decade and a few years, he loved seeing young artists like this; he even remembered being you and Mackie's driver for the premiere for CA:TWS, remembering how nervous you were that you felt like you couldn't stand up right, especially in those heels. His being of witness to the development of your career as an actress made him happy. It made your heart swell.
You tumbled out of the elevator with Lizzie's arm wrapped around your shoulder, your heels and bag in your hand. Lizzie bid you goodnight and hugged you tight, heading on her way to her hotel room, opposite from the hall where yours was. Trying not to overthink the beauty of what was tonight and search for even the smallest of flaws, you quietly made your way to your hotel room, rummaging through your back for the key card.
Muffled steps on the tight carpeted wooden floor has you turning your head a little later than just a second from the important thing that was your key card. But that didn't matter when you suddenly twisted the knob of the door, left completely open. You blinked, looking into your room quickly.
"All that nervous excitement made you forget everything I warned about your door."
You looked back to the hall, not believing the voice alone, just to see Sebastian in a black sweater and a gorgeous bouquet of your favorite flowers, one hand behind his back and the most smug grin you've ever seen on his face, a sign that he basked in the victory of being right about you leaving your hotel door unlocked... again.
"You did not drive all the way here just to give me this." you scrunched your nose at him as he walked towards you, handing you the bouquet of (fav/flowers) to you, situated and secured well in the middle was your favorite scented candle. He tucks both hands into his pockets, leaned back and totally relaxed.
"It's a twenty five minute drive. Unlike you, I actually have the patience to drive a long way just for you."
You stared at him with a slight furrow in your eyebrows, putting one hand on your hip. "We drove three hours to find that diner that you said was so great only to see that it was closed."
"What diner closes?"
"A twelve hour diner Sebastian." you defended. Sebastian snorts into a full laugh, unable to contain it anymore as he steps back, ending up laughing with him in the empty hall, until you both ran out of it. You tilted your head at him, both arms holding the bouquet over your chest. "You can not be here right now, you would not have done this." you whispered to him loudly, eliciting a hushed laugh.
"Well, I am here aren't I?" he smiled at you, gently cradling your cheek.
"What on earth are you doing Stan."
"Well," he started, taking the bouquet and setting it down to the side and closing in the gap between your bodies, hands on your lower back, a serious look on his face, that you could feel the heat of embarrassment radiating off his face. "I know I kissed you before but... can I try again?"
"You cannot be this cheesy now," you whisper, wrapping your arms around his neck but keeping the upper body distance, eyes roaming over the slightly visible bags under his eyes, the curve of his nose and the plumpness of his bottom lip, immediately reverting them back up at his eyes.
"There's a lot of things I couldn't do 'til I met you. Hell, I auditioned to be one of your favorite superheroes for you." he joked playfully, making you shake your head at him, trying not to show him your smile. He sneaked a hand in between you both and tilted your head up. "What do you say? Do I get a second shot at this?"
"I'm just... I'm scared." you admitted. "How is this gonna work? You know that I can't loose you over this."
"And I can't too."
"Then what are we doing?"
Sebastian removes your hand from his nape and brings it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss on your palm and letting it linger there, keeping eye contact with you, leaning his chin on it. "We're taking the chance."
You smile softly and flutter your eyes shut, closing in the gap between you both, not hearing the shutting of a door in front you.
Author's Note:
RIGHT before the premiere for 'Falcon and the Winter Soldier' THIS friday (which is ACTUALLY today here, 12 AM is 3 PM here) i present: chapter 56 + a little preview for one of the future chapters ive written that came up in my head before i even published this as a whole ongoing book!
i had a little internet issue with Wattpad, but i did manage to FINALLY publish this today. i was supposed to post it a day before the FATWS premiere, so that was such a dumb fail! BUT im making it up with the next chapter! thank you so much for the support you guys! you all are absolutely amazing and i srsly didnt think id hit 30K!? like, WHAT!? i hope you guys are okay! god bless and stay safe always! 💙
HINT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER: heavily inspired by a certain T.S song *wink wonk*
Knock-knock-knock! Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock!
Jesus Christ....
Knock-knock-knock!
I can't be up right now, my alarm hasn't even rung yet. I sigh and pull the covers over my head, relaxing into the cold sheets as I let myself slowly drift back to dreamland when suddenly, my door slams open with a bang, making me jump up.
I push myself up on the bed as quick as I could as a disoriented figure stands at the foot of my bed.
"Jesus Christ (y/n)!" I yell, immediately recognizing her voice. I lean over immediately to the side and turn on the nightstand lamp. "What's going on, you can't just barge crazy in the middle of the night!" I scolded, rubbing my face exhaustedly.
"I'm so sorry, Seb, I just– I—" (y/n) stutters, her breath getting uneven. I slowly push myself up, squinting my eyes to maybe somewhat get a better look at the woman. "T-there's this thing– a-and—"
I then hear the familiar shakiness of her voice, her figure trembling even with the dim light provided by the lights outside my trailer. "Hey, hey, what's going on, are you okay?"
"Y-yeah, I'm fine, b-but—"
She stops abruptly as I flicker my lamp on. She's wearing nothing but her silk shorts and button-up top PJ's, (h/c) locks (tied up/left down) messily. It was like she rushed herself down here.
(y/n)'s glassy eyes flicker right back to mine for a few seconds, her nose slightly scrunching as she fought back tears. I let out a small breath, realizing what happened, letting my back relax. I opened my arms out to her. "Come here sweetheart."
She sniffles softly, rubbing her nose on her wrist. She slowly moves towards me, and crawls into my space, leaning down and letting me wrap my arms around her.
We lay there for a few minutes, her head low enough for me to rest my chin on as I stroke her hair back, my right thumb stroking her shoulder. Chris probably didn't arrive yet.
I pull her away and she shifts her body so she's laying on her stomach, her arms crossed over each other as she rests her chin on it. She's already situated in between my legs, and I'm very thankful I slept with pajamas on this time.
"Nightmare?"
(y/n) nods her head, taking in a deep breath.
"I tried sleeping again..." she breathes out softly, her voice coming out in whispers. "They're not going away." she paused, her eyes averting to stare right at mine. "It's not working, I still see him in my dreams and he's just there most nights but this time..."she huffs, sniffling. "Joshua called me the other night... he couldn't either."
"As soon as Chris lands, we have to go (y/n). Distancing yourself and trying to forget all about it isn't helping any of us. As much as we want to."
(y/n) shook her head and cuddled in closer. She wasn't on board with the idea... she hadn't adjusted to it well. None of us have. It feels like only yesterday... I stopped myself. I bring her head closer and press a long kiss there.