cw: not much, i believe just some sad thoughts around religion and death. please tell me if there's anything else i need to warn about this or other chapters :]
on another note it's crazy how much traction this story is getting and i am forever grateful! thank you all for reading so much, it means the world to me.
here's an extra long, twice-as-much-as-usual chapter. hope you love it :]
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Life in Sapnap's embrace became the new normal.
At school they'd cuddle at the lunch table and be inseparable during gym class, practically glued to the side whenever they ran and played games. Sapnap reassured Karl and helped him feel better on his dysphoric days, and they'd walk into the lunch line hand-in-hand just to buy Karl a cookie.
It was October. The leaves were turning shades of burning red and brown, and the temperature was starting to drop more and more. Karl happily anticipated the next holiday, which was one of the most exciting ones in the world to him; Halloween.
His mother had weird feelings about Halloween. There was no way that he could ever dress up as something magical or scary until he was no longer under her roof. He didn't mind going as something cute instead; maybe he could be a fuzzy bear or a bat. He didn't really know exactly what he wanted to be, though. He was probably going to just check out the Halloween aisle of the store when he went with his mom and pick out whatever was available.
He had time, though. It was still just the tenth. It was another normal day, shifting through classes, sitting down at the lunch table with his big group of friends. Wilbur had his nose between the pages of a book, Quackity was hogging the conversation but in the best way that everyone preferred because he was just that funny, George's head was resting gently on Dream's shoulder, and Karl was cuddled up against the boy that was made for him. He gazed up at him with hooded eyes, occasionally reaching to cup his jaw and press kisses against his cheek. Okay, even though they had been dating for a month, they hadn't exactly kissed on the lips yet. They'd talk about it every once in a while, but they weren't in a rush, and decided that they would once the time was perfect and they were both completely ready. Karl adored that. Sure, he was an affectionate person, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little nervous about kissing. It wasn't something he'd ever done before, or really knew how. He couldn't really be taught it unless it happened, which was a little nerve-wracking, to be honest.
So they were taking their time, and it was nice. Karl felt respected and treasured way more than anyone else could possibly make him feel. He thought about the way men tended to escalate things at a rapid pace, unbeknownst to the other's acknowledgement. They'd poke at boundaries or act weird until the gates were let open, and they'd tear them down entirely just to get what they wanted.
Sapnap was different. Karl knew Sapnap wasn't in a relationship with him for personal gain. He didn't pressure him about anything; not kissing, not pictures of him, nothing. It was sad that he had to worry about this when getting into a relationship but it was nonexistent around Sapnap. He didn't have any expectations like that, he was just happy enough to be with him even if it only meant they'd hold hands at the table and call each other their boyfriends verbally. They still shared each other their deepest secrets as they cradled their phones to their chests in their beds late at night. It all just came naturally to Karl, the way he felt about Sapnap. Society's expectations of a relationship just seemed to ebb away when they were in the presence of each other.
No matter what they did with it anyway, they were going to be faced with scrutiny. They were both transgender. They were both boys. They cuddled too much for homophobic people to handle, but at the same time they didn't kiss enough or act raunchy enough to be valid.
Karl didn't want to think of that aspect. They were still so young. Why was that something he felt was being spotlighted onto him whenever him and Sapnap were together? It was weird. They were fifteen. They were just youth in love holding hands. Maybe one day that would be something they'd discuss but for now they were just so young. He winced, thinking about how his mother decided to scold him about "homosexual behavior" by literally describing what they did in the bedroom just to disgust him. Why was that the only thing she thought of when the topic arose? She was probably lead to believe it was just some sort of sick fetish. Well Karl wasn't on the same page.
His love for boys was as pure as the heart could conjure. Looking into Sapnap's eyes was like stirring a warm cup of hot chocolate, sweet and safe and cozy. He touched his face like he was caressing the wings of an angel, and watched his features shift into bliss. He didn't love Sapnap for his body, although his body was quite pretty. He was just sincere and kind and funny and alluring and perfect—
"What're you thinking about, froggy?" Sapnap whispered, which made a big smile spread across Karl's face immediately at the pet name.
"You." Karl said simply, not wanting to explain the negative thoughts that had been plaguing his mind moments before. He just wanted to move on.
"Awh, Karl," Sapnap pressed his lips together for a moment before kissing his head gently, which made Karl's cheeks go red immediately. "You're so adorable."
"You are," Karl murmured, deciding not to deflect too badly. He remembered the first few times Sapnap would compliment him like this; he would cover his face and whine. He hasn't gotten used to it exactly, because it still made his heart do laps in his chest, but there was a bit of progress being made where he didn't literally have to shelter himself from his eyes out of embarrassment.
"I said it first," Sapnap said simply, combing his fingers through Karl's fluffy hair. It was getting longer by the day, which he didn't mind, but he was definitely gonna get it cut if it started to look feminine. "You're still coming to the game tonight?"
"Mhm," Karl nodded. He had informed his mom and was going to stay with the group after school for a couple hours until the football game. Quackity couldn't come, and Wilbur and Eret weren't super interested, so it was just going to be Karl and George spectating their boyfriends on the field. It was gonna be really nice. He needed more time with George alone anyway. That boy was hard to pry away from Dream out of school, and even when Karl managed to do just that, George was a super awkward guy. He was a picture frame of a skinny gamer boy with brown hair and eyes. He was both the most generic guy Karl had ever seen in his entire life and so unique he could pick him out in a crowd from afar. He looked like every single boy on the street but there was something about him that lit up the ground under his feet as he walked. He was just... naturally pretty. He could say that. Especially because if one were to look close, they'd see the freckles spattered on his nose and the rosy color of his lips.
Karl could say with confidence that Dream was a lucky guy. It was so obvious that they were in just as much love as Sapnap and Karl were for each other. They'd look at each other with so much affection it seemed like they could drown in it. Where they differed was that George and Dream got each other a little fired up sometimes; they'd push each other's buttons until one of them gave in and then suddenly they'd be making out in the corner or something. They clashed often, and gave attitude. Karl sometimes found it amusing, but he and Sapnap couldn't be any different from them in that aspect since Karl was way too sensitive for that kind of lip. Instead they just were on each other at every given moment, and showed their love with softly spoken words and affections.
Karl was in deep. He noticed he was still staring at Sapnap's face with hooded eyes like he was in the arms of a god of sorts. He shivered, immediately feeling his guts hollow at the comparison he made. What would his mom think? She would think that was the most disrespectful thing he could do. She'd nail it into the ground how horrible it was for him to compare someone like Sapnap to an ethereal being, and that he should be ashamed of himself for mocking religion and being disrespectful.
But Karl couldn't think any different as he held his face and felt the light scruff on his cheek rub against his palm. When his mother said that God would be there for him, He wasn't. He was silent and let everyone kick Karl down until he was writhing on the ground, vulnerable and alone. He remembered praying, he remembered pleading to be shown a sign that he was loved and that they were wrong but all he heard was the painful echos of his own sobs around his room. Maybe God was out there but He just didn't answer in the way that he was told He would. However it was very hard to want to believe when all the Christians around Karl treated him like he was an alien or a traitor. So for now, he just wanted to let any thoughts of religion sizzle on the back-burner while he learned to accept himself fully first without intervention.
The school day felt like an entire century, but that was only because Karl was so excited that time decided to slow down just to spite him. It was an interesting concept to ignore all of his homework so he could hang out with his friends and attend a football game. Usually his mother was constantly riding his coattails, making sure that he was getting stuff done, or she would be snappy and unpredictable in how she approached his work. She often thought she could bring certain things up when he wasn't doing well, like the subtle threat of making him change schools or going back to attending church two times a week. He hated that she could turn necessities into a weapon against him, and made him feel forced to be grateful for the bare minimum. He wished he could have his friends' parents, because overall they seemed to be extremely accepting and understanding of LGBTQ identities. Of course, there were a couple outliers, but he couldn't help but feel jealousy burn in his gut whenever Dream and George talked about their parents knowing and accepting their relationship. Sapnap's parents knew about him and Karl as well, and they were unsurprised and celebratory about it. But never, under no circumstance, could Karl tell his mom, at least until he was out of the house. He knew she was capable of doing very wrong things to him as long as it meant he wouldn't be a "sinner" anymore, and he could be taken out of public school and isolated again in a snap of the fingers.
Karl hated that this conflict was always on his mind. Even when he sat on the bleachers next to George, the wind blowing through his hair, he still thought of the looming idea of his mother going back on her promise. His friend seemed to notice that he was lost in his head, because he got a nudge to the shoulder, and his gaze was met with concerned eyes.
"You good Karl?"
"Yeah," Karl said, but he wasn't so sure that he was. It was just a natural reaction to the question asked; he didn't even have a second thought about it. When people were asked that, did they really pause and think about it? Because from what Karl knew, the answer to that question was always a yes, even if your eyes were baggy and you stared into space like you no longer had love for anything anymore.
"I think it's starting soon," George noted, looking out over the field instead. His eyes were bright and excitement was clear in his lightly trembling features. Apparently he had been to his boyfriend's games before, but they weren't together romantically at that time, so Karl could understand how that might hit different now. He was excited too, but he had never seen this gone down before. Honestly, he didn't have a clue how football worked as a game, but he was happy enough to be here to support Sapnap. He hoped he'd accomplish everything he desired tonight.
As if George's words were a cue, Karl noticed that the field was suddenly filling up with players, one side green and one purple. He sat up more, squinting his eyes as he searched for Sapnap among the clusters of green. He and George both lit up at the same time as their gazes settled on three boys standing near the back together. Undoubtedly, it was Sapnap, Punz, and Dream. Karl practically squealed and was squirming around in his seat from happiness, sitting closer to the edge of it in anticipation. "That's our boys!" He exclaimed proudly, to which George nodded and laughed.
"They look so good, don't they?"
"They really do!" Karl bit his lip, thinking about how he was going to deal with seeing Sapnap after the game. He was gonna see the uniform up close and personal, and watch the sweat glisten on his hair and skin from the rough exercise. His heart thumped in his chest thinking about it, and he felt like his pupils could be dilating as he stared him down in the field. It was going to be real interesting to watch all this go down, especially when he knew nothing about the game and the only thing he'd really be paying attention to was the way Sapnap moved and played his part.
When it all started, Karl had to admit, he didn't have a clue what was going on. He watched the ball half the time because it was oddly satisfying to watch it make its journey back and forth, with the occasional celebratory whoops arising from the players whenever a point was scored. The other half of the time, of course, his eyes were on his boyfriend, taking note of every move he made. Even if he was so far away it was hard to read his face, he could still read certain mannerisms or simply just watch how he caught and held the ball. He was so cute. Every time he did something that caught his eye, he felt butterflies erupt in his chest. He'd lean forward and rest his head on his hand with starry eyes.
One of the most fun parts about this was that he would look next to him and George would be doing the exact same thing, except his eyes were on Dream instead. They were literally two peas in a pod in the weirdest way because sometimes their personalities couldn't seem any further away from each other. But they were extraordinarily alike nonetheless, and they got along perfectly. He was so glad to have met him.
That wouldn't have been possible without Sapnap. He was just the connection in the middle that held together all their wires of friendship. Without him the friend group wouldn't have been as big as it was now. Well, that was obvious, but that meant Karl and Quackity wouldn't have been there either.
It was weird to ponder of how different things could be if just one little thing was changed. Karl thought about this phenomenon often; like how his life would be if his mom was like Sapnap's parents, if she never turned to religion to justify her transphobia, if his father never passed away.
He bit his lip hard. He shouldn't be thinking about that right now when he should be happy. His dad barely passed his mind nowadays and when he did Karl could usually shrug it off in acceptance, but now he felt paralyzed at the idea that things could've been different if he never left. He was still just a toddler when it happened, but he remembered how his mother used to sit next to his hospital bed and whisper beginner's prayers, desperate for an answer. He remembered asking her what she was doing and not really understanding it. Before his dad started to deteriorate, they weren't really a religious couple. He didn't think he was even told what a church was for a few years because they weren't interested. It wasn't a part of their lives. But when his father was only holding onto life by a piece of thread, his mom needed something to help her cope, which was her newfound religion.
So even as his dad was taken from their lives, she still clung to it, because as long as she believed there was a welcoming and gracious afterlife following death, she would know that he was in a better place than on Earth. Karl still had no idea what he wanted to believe in, he just knew that no matter how he felt about a higher being or an all-powerful creator, his father watched over him every day and kept him safe.
It was hard to tolerate a religion that his mother stood behind to make him sound like a terrible person for just embracing his true self. On some days, he felt so bitter and angry that he'd turn up music that screamed words of pain in his ears, enough to make his head throb, but it made him feel less alone. On other days, he liked being at church, and would sing along to the songs they played with eyes closed and arms up like he was trying to embrace an angel itself.
So the simplest way to put it was that he didn't understand his current thoughts on Christianity. He was pretty sure his gripes were with the people and not the religion itself, but religion was made up of people, and if enough of them were preaching something false it might just echo intensely enough to sound true to them.
That was something that was already happening on a large scale. To be associated with it made Karl want to crumble into a pile of dust where he sat.
It took a while, but he eventually drifted out of his sadder thoughts, like he just got rained on by a dark cloud and catching Sapnap in the field again made the sun come out instead. His lip trembled though, because even if he was now focused on the current moment, that one thought still lingered in his mind.
If his father never passed away, would his mom be supportive of him? Was it the religion she turned to that was the problem or was it the people that introduced it to her, making her believe that she had to follow set rules in order to be accepted into Heaven alongside her husband?
Karl believed he knew the answer to that question already, but he just wasn't ready to accept it. He was young and allowed to be angry at the things that caused him problems in his life.
Again, he had to force his mind away from the topic, knowing that he'd dwell on it for hours if he didn't. He could save that for later, so that he could be in the comfort of his own room when he'd burst into tears and repeat the mantra in his head throughout the night. He just couldn't do that here. Not next to George. Not when he should be thinking about how well Sapnap was doing and how proud he was of him. God, he was so selfish. He was really making himself feel bad at his boyfriend's football game. That wasn't at all what he should be doing.
He went back to watching Sapnap, through scores and breaks and cheerleaders flooding the field. He stared so hard his form was burnt into his memory, and he could pick him out through the rest of the players within seconds. He was distinctive to Karl, even though everyone else on the bleachers probably saw him as one of the most ordinary guys in there. He celebrated and shook George when he scored, and booed and hit the bleachers with his sneakers when the other team did. They were practically neck-to-neck, and the scales constantly tipped back and forth.
During the last few moments of the game, the score was tied, and tensions between the two teams and supporting crowd were higher than ever. Karl sat so far on the edge of his seat that he felt he might just stumble and fall off into the one in front of him. After watching the game for so long, he was sure he had a bit of understanding of it by now. Sapnap was passed the ball, and he quickly deterred it to Dream, who was much closer to the end of the field. The tall blond didn't even have to process his next move before he was racing towards the end, out of reach of the other team's hands. Right as he hit the end line, the crowd erupted in excited cheers, including Karl, who literally got up to shimmy out of happiness. For once, George got up to celebrate as well, giggling and literally dancing with Karl. He was sure that the older wouldn't have been this willing to join in if Dream hadn't scored the final point. George didn't act like this often, especially not out in the open for people to see. It was nice.
Karl watched with glee as the green uniforms on the field waltzed around each other in victory, as the game was announced as over. Sapnap, Dream, and Punz were huddled around each other, giving each other enthusiastic high fives. Karl just wanted to run down into the field and join them, to be picked up and carried around by a triumphant Sapnap. He beamed, holding his hand against his heart as he wiggled again. He hoped it wouldn't be long before they came into the crowd to reconnect.
It wasn't. George and Karl eventually climbed down the rows of bleachers until their shoes were met with solid ground, and all the players on the field were finally dispersing into the crowds, uniforms still on, but some helmets removed. It was a lot harder for Karl to pick out where Sapnap was when he was on ground level rather than up above, where both teams just looked like colonies of colorful ants. It wasn't a frustrating amount of time before they caught the sight of the three boys talking while searching through the crowd, all helmets gone.
Karl's eyes widened as he caught sight of Sapnap's face; red from the heat, and sweat rolling from his forehead. He didn't hesitate to run straight up to him and practically tackling him in a hug, squealing in happiness as he was held back immediately. "Sapnap! You won!"
"I did!" Sapnap laughed, sounding like he was on cloud nine. He held Karl so tightly and even shook him a little in that loving, affectionate way before he pulled back. His dark hair was messed up and over his face a little, and looked wet to the touch. Karl couldn't help but swoon anyway. "We won," Sapnap elaborated, gesturing to the other two boys next to him. Punz just smiled, while Dream was immersed in... kissing George. Alright then.
Karl giggled at the sight of the two, raising his eyebrows. "They are so weird."
"I know right? Losers..." Sapnap said playfully, but his eyes were back on Karl quicker than he could probably process the fact that George and Dream were kissing within seconds of seeing each other.
"Mm," Karl hummed, looking back to his eyes and pursing his lips in thought. The silence hung in the air for a moment, awkward because Dream and George were too immersed in their own little world to talk to them. The more Karl waited, the more he found himself getting lost in Sapnap's features, and his face went red. He shuffled awkwardly, the sudden awareness that Sapnap's lips were right in front of him now eating away at his mind.
Was he ready for it? Was now the time to have his first kiss? Certainly so, like it was a celebration, he had to do this, right?
He was all tensed up, and only relaxed when he felt Sapnap's gentle hand rest on his shoulder. "Karl,"
There was no expectancy in his eyes, just admiration and love. Karl softened more.
"I was just thinking about something."
"Wanna share it?" Sapnap asked quietly.
"Maybe later." Karl said, figuring he would just text it. It was hard for him to discuss things like that verbally; it made his skin crawl and throat close up, and usually not in a good way, even if the things he were saying were good.
Sapnap just nodded, not holding it against him. Karl found that to be one of the most fascinating and sweet things about his boyfriend. He was never expected to do anything, and their relationship progressed however way they saw fit, not what society deemed as appropriate. Karl knew that in almost any other relationship they would've kissed the moment they laid eyes on each other after the game, but this wasn't some ordinary relationship. It was Sapnap and Karl's, and they moved at their own pace on their own terms.
It was a breath of fresh air, free from society's expectations.
Dream and George pulled away, and the other three stared at them with playful narrowed eyes. George was clearly embarrassed; laughing awkwardly as he scratched the back of his neck. Dream was just grinning, almost like he was in on the joke when really he was a part of it. They wouldn't tell that to his face, though. It was even funnier when he got cocky about it for no reason.
"Alright, lovebirds, sleepover still on?" Punz suddenly piped up, and Karl couldn't help but frown. His mother would never let him go to one of those. She'd immediately assume that he was trying to get up to things that she wouldn't approve of.
He wouldn't dream of it. He was still young.
Karl looked to Sapnap, who was nodding as he met his gaze, and then frowning as well. "Karl can't come but yes that is the plan."
"Hm," Punz hummed, staring at Karl now. "Sorry, Karl, hope you get to sometime."
He wouldn't ever. He just dipped his head, reassuring him even though that was basically just agreeing to something impossible. "You guys have fun." He said simply.
Sapnap cracked a little smile, and the other three already started to lead the way out to the place. Karl fished his phone from his pocket as he walked behind them, sending his mom a quick text so she'd know she could pick him up. When he was finished, he noticed his boyfriend staring at him a little too obviously. He scoffed just to tease, and nudged his padded shoulder. "What?"
"I'm really happy you came to see me." Sapnap murmured, breaking eye contact to glance at the darkening sky. "Even if you can't come to the sleepover."
"Always, Sapnap." Karl beamed, wondering if Sapnap had ever thought differently about this. Of course he would come to see his lover play one of the most anticipated games of the school year. If he didn't, especially if he had the opportunity to, what would he be? Certainly not a good boyfriend.
"Mm, you're the best hypeman, Karl." Sapnap laughed gently, eyeing the school building as they walked closer to it. "I gotta... we gotta change. I feel like I'm sweating like an animal in this shit."
Karl raised his eyebrows, looking up and down the uniform again just so it would remain in his memories. "I can imagine."
"My god." Sapnap grinned as he looked back at him, probably for the last time that day. "It's awful. I don't think you can, Karl Jacobs."
Karl adored when Sapnap called him by his full name. He knew he did that to mess with him, but it just made his heart grow in his chest. He had nothing but love for all of the pretty words that Sapnap said about him. "I can sure try."
"But you'll never really know." Sapnap made sure that was clear at least. He looked to Dream and Punz, and they all seemed to be having the same thought, because Dream turned to George and started to hold him and kiss his forehead.
Karl sighed, checking his phone and reading the short response. His mom would probably be here within minutes. He glanced up at Sapnap, making puppy eyes and pouting his lip slightly. He softened as he watched his boyfriend's hands move closer to his face and gently rest on his cheeks, just stroking the skin with the pads of his thumbs.
"Again, I appreciate it Karl." Sapnap said gratefully, his eyes bright with happiness. Karl smiled, melting against his touch. There was nothing else he loved more than Sapnap's affections, how his fingers curled around his face like he was holding the world. He just stared at him like this, his face rapidly flooding with color, before Sapnap slowly took his hands away and reconnected with the other boys. "Catch you tomorrow."
"Bye-bye," Karl made a little wave, watching the group walk off, including George.
Everyone exchanged little goodbyes before they went into the school, leaving him alone in front of the building. He made his way to the nearest bench and sat down on it, waiting for his mother's car to pull up next to the road.
All that was in his head was how close he and Sapnap were, how he could see the sweat glisten in his hair, and the triumph that lit up his eyes like fireworks. It was hard to believe that Sapnap was all his, tied down to Karl's soul, when he was just so perfect that Karl felt like every girl within radius was giving him side-eyes. He didn't feel worthy most of the time, but Sapnap was so good of talking him out of the attitude, and making him feel like his love was deserved.
Even when his mom pulled up in front of the building, Karl's brain still felt warm and fuzzy from happiness.