the art of grieving
- - -
Sacha looked from Kareem to me and back, before he gave a quick nod of approval. "Let's get started. Has anyone got any lyric ideas?"
I stole a quick glance at my journal that I'd left on the table. Just the thought of Kareem having a single glimpse at some of the lyrics I'd written felt anxiety-inducing. All the notebooks I'd shown him before the band arrived were from months, even years, ago - way back behind we ever even crossed paths. Everything I'd written down in the past two months was connected to Kareem in some way, and a lot of lyrics were too personal for my brother or his friends to share with the world.
If no inspiration hit us, Sacha would ask to refer to the latest entry and that was not happening.
"I've got a few ideas," Kareem spoke up, making my heartbeat flicker. He pulled up the notes app on his phone, laying it in front of him on the floor. "I've got a soft guitar melody in my head, and think it'd work best as an acoustic. I've never done this before, in all fairness, so it's up to all of you."
"Let's hear it then," Bodhi grinned, gesturing his head towards Kareem's phone.
Sacha handed Kareem his acoustic guitar. He began strumming a soft melody as he began lightly singing the words he'd written down. "Your eyes, so sweet, so green. Sour apple, honey, but I think you'd taste so sweet. You've got hips like Jagger and two left feet and I wonder if you'd like to meet."
Isaiah picked up on the rhythm, tapping his two fingers against the hard wooden floor. Bodhi nodded along, taking his guitar and following the chords along, finding the melody quickly. Once the lyrics ended, Kareem and Bodhi continued playing, keeping up the melody as Sacha began recording it on his phone, scribbling down the tempo and the chord sequence.
"I like that," Sacha hummed when they'd finished. He continued scribbling something down before lifting his head up. "Maybe we should shorten the lines down slightly, and use a different word for sweet, but I think it's a solid starting point. I love the sour apple imagery, and maybe we can continue the dance theme into another verse?"
The last part was directed towards me. I quickly snapped myself out of my daydream and nodded, biting back a smile. I always loved when the melody was easy to work with, such as on acoustics. The lyrics always seemed to fall into place.
"Get a recording of just the melody and then we'll fill in the lyrics." I suggested. Sacha took out his phone and Isaiah took over the tempo of the melody. The guitar's were in sync, and Isaiah's soft finger drumming gave the sound a solid base without the interruption. Once we'd recorded all the way through, I instructed Sacha to begin playing the recording.
"We're dancing in my living room..." Kareem started, before humming softly until the guitar deepened. "I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss, I'm terrified but I can't resist."
Sacha continued writing down the lyrics, leaving spaces for extra words that strengthen the song.
"And I said, beautiful stranger, here you are." I added, nodding along.
Kareem's eyes shot up to mine, lighting up. He let the melody continue on, "Beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms and I think that it's finally, finally, finally safe for me to fall."
"Add two more finally's,"
Kareem tested my suggestion, and Bodhi nodded from beside him. Sacha played back the specific instrumentals that we'd been working over while Bodhi sang the lyrics softly.
The doorbell rang as we just finished recording the snippet of lyrics over the playback. Isaiah jumped up, rushing towards the door and returning with our pizza.
I checked my phone, realizing that we'd been writing for almost two hours at this point and the scheduled pizza delivery had arrived almost twenty minutes late. I hadn't even noticed how hungry I'd gotten.
"Why do we always have pizza? Do you realize how unhealthy it is?" Bodhi asked as Isaiah began unpacking the several boxes that we'd ordered.
"Shut up, Bo." Isaiah muttered, handing everyone their specific order.
Sacha lifted his brow, "I never hear you complaining while you're eating it. Stop judging my life choices."
"Your diet literally consists of pizza and burgers. Your arteries must hate you."
"Don't forget brownies," I chipped up, making Kareem splutter out a laugh. Sacha scowled at me but I just shrugged my shoulders, "I'm not going to lie."
"Just shut up and eat," Sacha muttered as he stacked two slices on top of each other, shoving it into his mouth.
"How's Hendrix doing?" Isaiah asked, turning to me.
"Better," I said bitterly, "She'll be better when she finds tickets to Taylor's gig at Madison Square. Jem didn't even tell her that they'd only got one ticket before it sold out. If she doesn't see Taylor's version of The Way I Loved You live, I think she'll actually stick a fork in-"
Words started tumbling into my mind, slowly organising into lines that I could use. I thought back to dates in the rain, running to find shelter when Kareem and I had attempted to have a picnic at Central Park only a few weeks ago. The sky had begun to pour so unexpectedly that we couldn't do anything but laugh.
"I just had an idea," I voiced.
"We're eating," Sacha mumbled, lips wrapped disgustingly around another stack. "Unless it's a song called Pizza, I don't want to hear it."
"Give me the fucking paper and shut up," Pushing myself up onto my knees, I grabbed the sheets and the pen and began scribbling them down for the next verse. Kareem looked over my shoulder.
"Let's hear it then," Bodhi put his box down on the floor, sounding a little too enthusiastic.
"Second verse," I murmured before sounding out the words. "I grab your hand and we're running to the car, laughing in the street and playing air guitar. You're stuck between my teeth just like a candy bar, and I wonder if I'm far too gone to stay. Used to think that loving meant a painful chase."
My gaze flickered to Kareem, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw the look on his face. That's when I knew that containing my writing was pointless, Kareem was always going to know that everything would come back to him.
"You're right here now and I think you'll stay," Kareem quietly thought out loud, eyes firmly focused on me. "To end the verse."
"God, are writing sessions now just going to be all happy and lovey?" Sacha complained with a groan, "I'm too single to be singing about being in love."
"Good thing you're not the lead singer then," Bodhi teased, reaching out and squeezing Sacha's cheek. "I like this, it's adorable."
My cheeks warmed as Bodhi sent me a smile, even Kareem seemed a little embarrassed at the attention.
His phone started buzzing and he lifted it up, checking the ID with furrowed brows.
Kareem looked up, the corner of his lips turning up at my questioning look before he stood up and said. "Give me a minute."
Watching as he stepped outside my apartment, I couldn't help but feel anxious. Like a sudden feeling that something bad was about to happen.
Sacha and the boys were completely fine. Laughing and joking as they ate away at the pizza that I was now ignoring. My stomach felt like it was tied into knots as I kept my gaze locked on the door, waiting for Kareem to walk back in and completely reassure me that everything was fine.
The sudden crash from outside the door was unexpected. Sacha's honking laughter paused as I flinched back, praying and begging with every ounce of hope within me that something terrible hadn't happened.
With my heart in my throat, I stood up and opened the door, slipping out as I found Kareem curled up onto the floor, body rocking with the force of his sobs.
"Baby," The whisper slipped out of my grasp before I could contain it as I sat down next to him, knees to my chest as tentatively shuffled closer to him. "K?"
"He's-He's dead. Dead." He managed to force out between erratic sobs, nails digging into his arms. "Zepp. He-. He fucking-"
My eyes flooded with tears at the implication. Kareem didn't need to state it directly for me to know what happened.
Not knowing what to say, knowing whatever I could say wouldn't do anything to make him better, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into my hold. His hand fisted the fabric of my shirt as he trembled, crying into my shoulder.
"I can't-'' Kareem couldn't get the rest of the words out. He cried and cried and cried, as though his body was about to tear into two. His body shook violently, coughing and choking on his tears as he desperately tried to just breathe.
I tried to get our body's closer together, as much as I could while we sat down next to each other. I hugged him tighter, circling his shoulders with my arms. Kareem melted into my hold, head nuzzling in the crook of my shoulder.
"I can't do this anymore." Kareem managed to let out between gasps, "I'm sorry." He choked on his tears, sobbing. "This is all my fault. I should've been there. I should've protected him."
"You did everything you could." I held him close, numbness bracketing my senses. "You got him home, Kaz. This isn't your fault. This isn't anybody's fault. You did everything you needed to do."
Kareem moved as close as possible to me, legs around my torso as he folded his body into my hold, clutching me to him as if I'd slip away if he let go.
Sobs wracked through his body. He sobbed until he ran out of energy and just stared blankly at the wall, cheek resting on my chest as I ran my fingers through his hair.
"I can't believe he's gone too." He stammered out between breaths.
I didn't answer, not knowing what to say and ardently not wanting to say the wrong thing. Telling Kareem that everything was going to be okay was a lie, one thing that I couldn't do to him. Grief is forever. It's callous and cruel and violent but it doesn't go away. He'll never stop loving him, never stop missing him. He needed to feel all of this pain, let it tear him apart so he could build himself up again.
The moment his breathing settled down, I gently maneuverer us until we were laid down. Kareem was still curled into my chest and I tried to help him steady his breathing. He hiccupped, the sound unnaturally rough from tears. It made my heart hurt, knowing how much pain he was in and knowing that I couldn't fix it for him.
"Please don't leave me too, Saint." Kareem whispered, voice breaking.
I closed my eyes, holding him tighter as he tried to burrow closer to me.
"I won't," I pressed a kiss to the crown of his head, making a promise that I had no intention of breaking.
Somehow, I'd managed to coax Kareem out of the apartment complex and to his car. He curled up in the passenger seat as I drove us to his home, hand resting on his thigh, hoping desperately that it would ground him. Somehow between all of the chaos, I'd managed to shoot a quick text to Sacha so he wouldn't get worried. The text was copied and pasted to Hendrix once I saw the four missed calls, knowing that Sacha must've phoned her when both Kareem and I disappeared.
Every part of me felt unsettled, as if I'd just been thrown into open water with no sense of rescue, with no rational plan to get through the next minute. It almost was as if someone had taken control of my body as I robotically guided him into his bedroom, lying him down onto his bed and watching as his sobs evened into heavy breaths. Nothing was processing in my mind as I just kept thinking: Zepp was dead.
Zepp. Harry Zeppelin. A part of Kareem's squad but, most importantly, his friend. A dad. A partner. A person.
Kareem spoke of him all the time, with such fondness that couldn't be feigned. They spoke on Facebook whenever they were both mentally comfortable with it. Reminiscing on singing Led Zeppelin songs around base, and planning for their families to meet one another's. They lost Lennon. They suffered through and survived hell together; a team. Brothers bound together through more than just blood.
And now Zepp is gone too.
Everything passed in a blur. Hours of just lying in bed together. Mixtures of complete silence and wrecked crying that went on for hours. He'd barely slept, too scared to go to sleep and too scared to wake up and realize that it wasn't all a dream. Days seemed to fly right past us. Hendrix had called over to feed the dogs but I hadn't managed to go downstairs to see her, with Kareem not seeming well enough for me to leave him alone.
Somehow, I'd managed to get us into the shower. Between the sleep-deprivation and the spreading numbness that grief tended to evolve, Kareem nodded when I asked for permission to wash his hair. Eyes fluttering shut for brief seconds before they'd open again, sad and hopeless and so ardently exhausted.
Around three hours later, Kareem had finally fallen asleep. His body was still needing all the rest it could get from the emotional toll, but whenever I shuffled even slightly away Kareem had followed my warmth, reaching out for me and burrowing into whatever part of me he could.
He was curled up in my arms, his face buried against my chest. His breathing had evened out, but his fingers held onto my shirt. It was a sharp contrast to how he'd been just this morning, the peaceful and calm look on his face awfully welcomed in the pain that his friend's death had triggered.
My cell phone started ringing, and I jumped up slightly at the sharp sound. I carefully untangled myself from Kareem's clutches and moved across the room, answering the phone quickly so it wouldn't startle him.
"Kezz?" I whispered, eyes flicking to Kareem's sleep-ridden form. He'd only just fallen asleep, nearly two days after he found out. Nearly forty eight hours of sleep deprivation, with the additional PTSD and grief to deal with. He's exhausted.
"Is he okay?" Kezziah asked, "Hendrix told me what happened."
I almost let out a groan. She's his sister, I should've texted her myself. "Not really. I'm sorry I didn't call, I've barely had a minute to go on my phone. Hendrix only knows because I had to send Sacha there."
"It's fine, I know you're looking after him." Kezziah said to my utmost surprise, "Where's his head at?"
I looked at Kareem who was still sound asleep, "He's not been good since the phone call. He managed to get to sleep around two hours ago, and is still sleeping."
"Okay, that's good." Kezziah replied, "We're outside. Hendrix is with me. We've got food."
Carefully, I left our bedroom and headed towards the front door. I opened it and let the girls in.
"I've got his meds." Kezziah held up a plastic bag, "Hendrix made some brownies too. Chocolate always helps after crying."
"Thank you," I managed to let out sincerely. Hendrix wrapped her arms around me, hand on the back of my head as she held me closely. I relaxed into her, my muscles going slack as everything from the last few days hit me full throttle. My entire body felt like it was about to collapse with how tired I suddenly felt. I mumbled against her neck, "Do you want something to drink?"
"I'll make you some coffee," Hendrix said without room for debate. Just before I could complain, she continued. "I know you don't like it but you need caffeine right now."
"Okay," I sat down on the couch, Kezziah following me and sitting down across from me.
"Is it okay that we're here?" Kezziah glanced towards the stairs.
"He's asleep. And you're his sister, you have every right to be here. If Kaz knows anything about Drix, he knows that she's never away for long."
She nodded, "He hasn't slept since he found out?"
"No," I held my hand out for the mug that Hendrix handed me. She sat down next to me. "He's had two panic attacks and he's been crying a lot. It took a lot out of him. He pretty much collapsed from exhaustion."
"Do you think he's alright in there on his own?" Kezziah asked worriedly. Her teeth gnawed at her lower lip.
"We're here, if he needs us." Hendrix added, "It's going to be tough but we just need to be here when he needs us, and give him space when that's what he wants."
"I...I don't really know what to do," I admitted solemnly. Hendrix stared at me sympathetically, nodding her head as I explained. "I don't know how to be what he needs and I'm scared I'm going to mess up. He's so fragile right now."
"You can't love someone's mental illness away, Saint, and you can't love his grief away either." Giving me a gentle smile, Hendrix continued. "But you can love him through it and with it. It won't be easy but you can love him on good days and bad days and nothing days. The nightmares are hard to witness, I get that, but they're even harder to experience. He's going to have a lot of bad days but he can't avoid them. At the end of the day, he's lost someone who he spent a lot of time with, his best friend."
"I get that." I added in, and Hendrix nodded as if she expected that. "I just don't want to let him down."
"You won't, Saint. I know you're a good person and I know you're willing to do whatever you need to to make this easier on Kaz, but all he needs is you to care. Speak to him, communicate with him. Figure out what he needs from you but ensure that it doesn't make your own well-being deteriorate."
"It's tearing him apart, Drix. He's not been able to sleep, he's not eating, or even talking. It's like he's not even here. I'm trying and I keep talking to him about everything, giving him moments where he can breathe away from it all, but nothing seems to be helping."
"Then just act normal." Kezziah suggested, head tilting to the side. "Be sympathetic, be with him, but don't treat him differently. He needs his boyfriend, not a carer. And don't ignore it; Get him to talk about him, get him to talk about how he's feeling. Don't let him shut it out; it'll hurt him more long term."
I sipped from my coffee, nodding along with her words. I stood up and headed towards the kitchen, pulling the breakfast ingredients out. I started mixing the pancake ingredients together.
Kezziah hummed as she watched it begin to melt butter in my frying pan. "He likes chocolate chips in his pancakes, by the way."
"Then he'll get chocolate chip pancakes." Knowing that Hendrix did too, I added the chocolate to half of the pancake mix, stirring it thoroughly. "Do you have any preference?"
"Anything sweet." Kezziah answered.
"I've got some fruit that I can put on top with maple syrup?" I offered and got four plates out of the cupboard.
"That'd be good, thank you."
"Can't believe you've gone full caretaker mode. Where was this energy when I almost died?" Hendrix tutted disapprovingly.
Her snark made me bark out a laugh, "I let you dye a strip of my hair. That was enough."
"That was totally not enough. I love food. You should've given me lots of food."
"You would've found a way to complain." I slyly grinned at Hendrix, handing her a plate. I'd left both my and Kareem's pancake mix separate so we could eat together when he woke up, so I focused on cooking Kezziah's share.
"I mean, probably." Hendrix mumbled through the food she'd stuffed into her mouth. Kezziah's top lip recoiled back in disgust.
"Please stop." She threw Hendrix an annoyed glance, making the purple-haired demon laugh cheerfully.
"You're awful." I joined them on the couch, handing Kezziah her blueberry and strawberry pancakes. She thanked me and dug in. Hendrix pushed half of one of her pancakes towards me, so I rolled my eyes and ate it. Only then did I realize how hungry I actually was. I had barely eaten the day before, way too worried about Kareem to feel anything but sick to my stomach at the pain he was going through. Until now, I'd been too focused on comforting Kareem and getting him to eat and sleep to even think about eating myself. Now that I knew he was asleep and safe from the world at the moment, I felt like a weight had been lifted off me.
We sat in silence for a while as both girls ate their food. Hendrix, obviously, finished before Kezziah and headed back towards the kitchen to get everyone another cup of coffee. I was absolutely certain that she'd been slipping vodka into hers from the flask she kept in her bag, if the smell was anything to go by.
"How's your College Application going? Kareem mentioned that you've done really well in your SATS." Kezziah was applying to Colleges everywhere, according to her brother. Kareem had already told me that he had his money from the Army saved so she could go anywhere she wanted. He also mentioned that she was aiming to go into Medicine.
"I've got a few acceptances." She rolled her eyes, as if it bored her. "I'm not sure where to go yet though."
"Wherever you go, just don't go to Princeton." Hendrix said as if it was the most serious thing in the world.
Kezziah's brows furrowed, "Why not?"
"Because those New Jersey people are not like us. They're vultures, abso-"
"Drix, your Mom lives in New Jersey." I cut her off before she could continue.
Her eyes widened as if I'd just said something horrific, "Exactly."
"I like Cornell, but I was thinking US-"
"You're going to Harvard, we've already discussed this."
I turned my head and looked at Kareem, who was standing in the door frame of the living room. He had put on one of my oversized hoodies and was fidgeting with the long sleeves. His hair was a mess, long curls scattered in completely different directions, and he still looked sleep-rumpled and soft.
"Are you okay? Did we wake you up?" I got up, noticing how he looked as if he had just woken up a few seconds ago. It was the most coherent he's been since that phone call, having only managed to force out a few words at a time.
"I smelled pancakes." He shrugged, voice raspy as though he'd just stopped crying. His eyes were still bloodshot, tired.
"I can make chocolate chip pancakes, if you want?" I frowned at his lack of reaction, "I have eggs or turkey bacon too. Or I can go to the store and get-"
"You should try the pancakes, they're so good." Hendrix interrupted me off unhelpfully.
Kareem looked to Hendrix, blinking as if he'd just realized that she was here. "Jimi?"
"Hey, rockstar. It's visiting hours, thought we'd come to see you." She pointed at Kezziah, "The boys are working in the bakery and I left Jem in charge so they should be fine. We were going to head out soon."
"I brought your meds." Kezziah said softly, as if she was talking to a scared animal. "And Hendrix made you some brownies."
Kareem looked at the bag and pulled the hoodie sleeves over his hands, nodding. "Thank you."
"Phone me if you want to, okay?" Kezziah got her jacket and stood up, Hendrix soon following. They looked from me to Kareem. "I love you."
"I love you too," Kareem's voice was just above a whisper. He lowered his gaze to the floor as Kezziah hugged him.
"Enjoy the brownies. They're kid-appropriate this time." Hendrix announced as they both slipped out, the front door slamming shut.
Pressing his lips together, Kareem looked towards the shut door, and all I wanted to do was go over and hold him.
"You should eat something." I spoke up softly.
"Okay," He said easily, sitting down on the couch and pulling his knees up to his chest.
"Pancakes or bacon and eggs?" I asked, heading back towards the kitchen. "We've got cereal too, or you could eat the brownies if you want? I have fruit and-"
Cutting myself off, I froze when I felt arms encircle me from behind while I was opening the fridge to grab the eggs. Kareem pressed against my back, cheek resting against my shoulder. He smelled of sleep and of us, exactly how he usually smelt after a night spent at my place.
Even though this wasn't a normal occurrence.
"I don't mind," He murmured, lacing his fingers together over my stomach and holding me flush against him, as if letting me go was scaring him.
That's when I realized that it probably did.
"Didn't know where you were, bed was empty when I woke up." He let out softly as a mumble, as though the words weren't truly mine to hear but instead a projection of his thoughts.
"I'm sorry," I murmured back, reaching up to hold his hands. He nuzzled at my nape, nose running over the skin as I just let myself sink into his hold, relaxing in the feeling.
The next few weeks were going to be hard but I knew we could get through it, I knew he could get through it. We had each other to lean on, and that would always be enough.
A/N:
thank you for reading :)