To find a word fitting enough for how I feel as of right near seems impossible.
No word can summarize the aching feeling that's engulfed my whole being.
It's only been seconds since Harry walked out of my door. Seconds, and yet it feels like time is slow turning, making sure that the pain I'm feeling doesn't leave - making sure that each raw emotion I feel is magnified so I really feel it.
I'm left alone. Alone in my room with nothing other than the insufferable thoughts of where he might be, the agonizing torture of reliving the argument we just had, and the oh-so consuming feeling of regret.
Falling in love. It's a wonderful thing, is it not?
However, the heartbreak is something less romanticized. It's quite possibly the most feared feeling in the world. The heartbreak you see in movies, read about in books and listen to in music. The kind you hope and pray you'll never have to experience.
I don't believe I've ever gone through true heartbreak.
I do, however, remember being torn apart when I was fourteen and mom managed to convince dad into getting me a kitten for my birthday.
He was still young, and slowly becoming accustomed to the house. We were told to keep him in a singular room for a while so he could become comfortable around us - he was a stray, abandoned at birth with his brothers and sisters so he was very shy and skittish. The first day we allowed him to explore the house properly, my little brother - only six at the time - got far too excited and let him out.
The sweet kitten was terrified by the cars, and he was so small. Poor thing didn't even make it to the vets in time, the impact from the car was too harsh for his small frame.
I didn't talk to Jerome for weeks after that. He didn't entirely understand where he went wrong at the time. All he knew was that I was very hurt by what he did, accident or not, and he always made sure to leave me his Friday night candy from his swimming club outside my bedroom door for a good few months.
That would be the closest I've ever been to heartbreak.
Until now.
Even if no one had ever told me what heartbreak felt like, I'd have no other way to describe this feeling. The feeling of my heart being torn apart.
It's not just that he's gone. It's that with every blink I see him, every movement, every smell, all my clothes, my habits, my words, my everything has become him.
And it's the unknowing of what life's supposed to be like now. Because how am I supposed to go back to how things were before I met him?
How do I suddenly unwind everything from him? It's almost as if I'm trying to untangle a mass of wires, with hope I don't touch the live one. Because if I do, it'll kill me.
People always try to console others by saying 'you were doing fine before them, so you'll be fine after them'. I know I've said that to Es a good few times.
It's not true. Not in the slightest. Because since knowing them I changed. I grew accustomed to Harry, he became a part of my routine and now I know what happiness feels like, happiness I thought I had in my life.
But I let him leave.
I told him to leave.
I sent my happiness away.
There's so many other things I could have said, so many other options, so many things I could've done. But I chose to kick him out.
A small, naïve part of me, hoped he'd stay. I wanted him to fight for us. But there really is nobody to blame but myself because I should've done everything in my power to make sure me and him could stay together.
To make sure that after all this, he'd still be the one I'm in love with.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, if Harry loved me like I had hoped he had, then he wouldn't have gone with such ease.
I shouldn't have taken the easy way out, him and I could have worked through this. Together.
Suddenly, my heart stops as I hear the door swing open with so much power that it makes a loud thud as it hits my wall to bring it to a halt. Immediately my eyes dart to the doorway in hopes that Harry might be back.
He's not.
"Sweet E, Michael may have just told everyone about how you can tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue, and well, now everyone wants to see it." Esme bounds through my bedroom door, a smile so bright on her face but the second her eyes meet mine she freezes.
I stare up at her though my blurred vision and almost instantaneously, the bright smile across her face falls. Not a single ounce of happiness left in her expression.
If anything, I'd say she's empty.
With small tears rolling down my face, I keep looking up at her in hopes she says or does something. She doesn't.
All of Esme's weight seems to be against my door, her hand tightly gripped around the handle, almost as if she'd fall if she were to let go.
It's her birthday.
She looks so beautiful.
I ruined her birthday.
Slowly, without any movement from her body, her eyes scan the room. Almost as if to check if everything was orderly. Then, she unhurriedly backs away from the door, her eyes repeating the same look around my room as if it were something missing. She has this look of knowing something isn't quite right but not being able to pinpoint it.
As Esme leaves my room, she calmly closes the door behind her, but not before deadlocking her eyes on mine.
Now, alone in the room again. It's that same feeling of loneliness, rejection and guilt. For a feeling of abandonment, I've never felt so claustrophobic in my life.
This is the very moment it hits me - Harry's not coming back.
The tears start to fall from my eyes a lot faster and my breathing involuntarily picks up.
Harry's not coming back because I'm the one who told him to leave.
I didn't mean it when I told him to leave. I was angry. No - I was hurting. I understand he wasn't trying to be malicious when he spoke about us not having sex.
He was stating a fact.
And it's not like sex isn't a part of our relationship, because it genuinely is a big part of it - was a big part.
But it's like he said, it's what the sex represents. The physical bond we have through touch - how we show our emotions when we're unsure of what to say. And I stopped that, I avoided him and made him feel as if I didn't want him anymore.
I'll always want him.
This time I don't exactly register the sound of my bedroom door opening, I'm frozen in position at the end of my bed, head tilted forward with my hair falling in front of my eyes. Small pieces of my blonde waves are beginning to cling to my face from the dampness left in wake of my tears.
"Sweet E, I've sent everyone home. Michael's just making sure they're all gone and then he's going to head out too. Now tell me, what happened between you and Harry babe?" Es crouches down below me, places one hand on my knee for her own support and the other goes straight to my cheek, wiping away my continuous trail of tears against my flushed skin.
It's her birthday - her 21st birthday. We should be celebrating. She shouldn't have sent all of her friends home. I would have been fine. I need to be fine.
"I'm so- I'm so stupid Es. I ruin- I ruined it all." My words break through breathless sobs. The tears don't stop falling and I can't seem to help but gasp for air but it's like there's nothing for me to breathe in.
"Sweets, babe breathe. Deep breaths in and out, in and out. Explain to me what happened." I finally register that she's actually here and although my vision is blurred from the tears, I'm almost certain I can see her own eyes appear glossed over. And not only from the alcohol.
How could I be so stupid? Es is going to be heartbroken because she loves Harry and she loved us together. Of course this is going to affect her.
I was so selfishly trying to protect my own feelings I didn't even think about anyone else who might get hurt from this.
Dani.
Oh poor Dani.
She won't even understand why Harry's gone. I can't take him away from her.
Now not only have I stupidly left myself in tears, I'm tearing down everyone around me.
I only find myself becoming more worked up with each devastating thought and my shoulders are just shaking with each silent cry.
"I ended it Es, I ended it and then I- then I told him to leave. Why did I do that, Esme? Why did I tell him to leave me?" My hoarse voice stumbles over each word and I close my eyelids in hopes to drown out the pounding headache that's slowly growing right behind my eyes.
Esme continues to smooth her hands across my knees and the other softly brushes my hair out of my face and behind my ears.
She has very motherly instincts, despite her usual 'don't give a fuck' attitude, alongside her never ending mistakes and list of regrets and her inability to be controlled. It's a side she often hides away - and although she's caring, and kind always - it's almost as if she's not ready for people to know the serious side of her. She's anxious to show her vulnerability, and for her, being serious and acting adult on decisions is her being vulnerable.
"Shh, E, it's okay babe, it's gonna be okay." She tries to console me and I momentarily open my eyes to look at her, but instead I catch a glimpse of my sunflower tattoo poking out from my mini dress.
Harry just wanted his Evie back, the Evie he'd call sunflower.
I wish I could still be her.
The reminder of how much sunflowers meant to us both, to our whole relationship becomes far too overwhelming and the sobs I had managed to suppress come out in spluttering bursts.
"It's not okay, it's not. I told him to leave. I told him it's over all because I felt so goddamn guilty over this whole soulmate bullshit." I practically scream out of frustration.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. It's not supposed to be this hard.
Maybe I could stop believing in soulmates. Maybe then this damned singing in my head would stop. Maybe, just maybe it wouldn't matter who I loved.
If I stopped believing, could it perhaps mean that I just lose the link with whoever it may be.
Then that way, I could start fresh.
I could be happy.
Ideally, I'd be happy with Harry. But he's not here anymore.
"E. Do you know-" Es takes a deep breath in, her voice suddenly growing serious in a different sense from before. Almost as if she's speaking with extreme caution. "Do you know for certain if Michael's your soulmate?"
"I don't think it's him because I was in the café once when I heard him singing." I reply without hesitation, not fully processing what she's implying.
"Okay, E, please really think about this. Do you know for certain that it isn't Harry?" As soon as the words leave her lips, my head shoots up.
"No."
"No, he isn't your soulmate? Or, no, you don't know for certain?" She presses further and my throat feels like it's about to close up.
No. No. No.
My mouth hangs open, the words stuck in the back of my throat.
"Since I found out about your relationship with Harry, you've told me a lot about what it's like with you both - and I've seen a lot of it also. And I'm so grateful you've felt comfortable enough to talk to me about your relationship." Esme begins slowly, like she's building up to something.
"It's just, you've always been a private and closed off person E, even with me which is totally okay because I surely overcompensate, and I don't expect you to share your every waking thought with me. And because of that, I don't pry for information on your relationship - even if it may seem like it at times. I know your boundaries and I don't want you to ever feel as though I'm being invasive. You tell me what you're wanting to tell me." She continues and for some unknown reason, the knot in my stomach begins to tighten and I just know whatever she's trying to say cannot be good.
She may like to talk a lot usually, but I can tell she's stalling. She's trying to justify whatever she's about to say and I just need to hear it.
"Esme, what is it?" I mutter, cutting her rambling short.
Her face flashes to me and I watch as she takes another deep breath in, tears collecting in her waterline, threatening to spill over.
"Evie. I've seen the way you and Harry are together. It was never just a relationship to pass the time. I'm not going to lie, I had my suspicions for a long while, and then that day when Harry was coming over, just before I left you were humming this song. 'She. She's the first one that I see and I don't know why.' I remember saying it was a pretty song and I asked what it was. You couldn't remember, you just said it was stuck in your head for the past few days." Es keeps a cautious watch on my face as she explains this memory that has no relevance to me as of right now. I don't know where on earth she could possibly be going with this.
"Es, please just tell me what's going on." I plead, my voice thick from nerves.
"I looked it up. E, it's not a song. At least not a released song." She blurts out, a single tear rolling down her made up cheeks, a trail of mascara following it's route.
I breathe in harshly, feeling a pain in my lungs and the salty tears on my tongue. "I don't- I don't know what you mean Esme."
"You started singing loads of other songs that I began to take note of, and nothing. Every time I tried to google them, nothing came up. 'Lights up and they know who you are.' 'I get so lost inside your eyes, would you believe it?' 'So I keep thinking back to a time under the canyon moon.' 'Feeling good in my skin I just keep on dancing'. It's your soulmate that's been singing these babe. He's been writing them too." I watch as her face fills with sincerity with hints of worry.
The songs I've been singing for weeks - months - now, words that have been stuck in my head on a loop. I know my soulmate sang them sometimes, but I confused them with the songs I heard in the studio because it's mostly during rehearsals when I hear him.
And now he writes them too.
But it doesn't mean it's Harry. There's thousands upon thousands of singers and songwriters out there.
"I should call him, I need to apologize." I completely ignore everything she's just said to me, my body going into some sort of automated response.
I stand up from the bed, my head thumping far more than before, and walk over to my dresser where on top rests my phone.
"E, do you understand what I'm saying. Obviously, I don't know for sure, I'm pretty fucking useless with shit like this, but don't you think it's a bit, I dunno, odd." Her words hit the back of my head but once again I ignore what she's actually saying.
"I need to call Harry. I need to talk to Harry." I repeat, picking my phone up and as soon as I click it on a familiar picture appears on the lock screen.
My favorite picture of us both, laying in the hotel bed with the covers up to our necks, his wide over dramatic smile with dimples poking through while I'm mid laugh, his tattooed arm elongated as he's holding the phone up. My small pearl necklace hanging around my neck and my pearl ring sat on my middle finger which is holding the covers in place so I don't accidentally flash the camera - Harry made an unfunny joke about getting me to pose naked for his home screen. And then his other arm around the back of my blonde hair, with my red ribbon tied around his wrist.
I can't help but wince at the memories flooding back to me, and hurriedly I unlock my phone, heading straight to the contacts and tapping Harry's name.
It only rings once before going to voicemail.
I pull it away from my ear, looking at it, puzzled by why it only rang once.
Did he end it? Or maybe he has no service. Or it could be his phone is off, or dead. Or maybe he's blocked me.
Without any hesitation, I click his name again, bringing the phone back up to my ear. Just as before, it only rings once before going to voicemail.
I try again. And again. And again.
I need to talk to Harry. I need to apologize.
"E, it's gone to voicemail for me too. His phone's probably off." I feel Esme place a hand on my shoulder to console me and when I look at her, I notice her own phone in her hand with her contacts list up.
She's probably right.
I hope she's right.
"You should get some rest, you're exhausted sweet E." Esme turns me to face her, and she's once again not wrong. I feel so tired, drained both emotionally and physically. Dance has been extra difficult recently and not having Harry around to comfort me has been torturous.
But that's no fault other than my own.
"I can't sleep. What if he sees I tried to call him and he calls me back." I rush, panicking with my words.
"Then I'll come and wake you up. I'm not going anywhere Evie." She tries to reassure me but the nervous pit in my stomach is screaming at me not to sleep.
"No, no, no. I can't sleep. Not until I've spoken to Harry." I feel tears pooling in my eyes again but this time I try to compose myself.
"Okay, okay. How about we go sit on the couch and watch Grease?" Esme perks up with the suggestion of watching my forever favorite movie.
I let out a small smile, nodding in agreement.
"Okay, perfect. Put on your comfy clothes and meet me out there. I'll get the wine and popcorn ready." Esme shrugs her shoulders with excitement, smiling bright and bubbly trying to lighten the mood.
Once again, I nod in agreement and she turns to the door, leaving me to get changed.
"Hey, Es." I call out, stopping her before she leaves. She turns to face me as before. "Sorry, about your birthday. I love you, you know that."
I truly feel awful for ruining what was meant to be a fun, celebratory night for her. Because now, instead, she's stuck home with her heartbroken best friend who's crying over the guy she's been obsessed with for the past god knows how many years.
"Are you kidding E, nothing makes me happier than watching movies in comfy clothes with my best friend and a bottle of wine. Or in this case, thirty bottles because it's all people seem to have bought me today." She giggles, once again doing her best to make me feel better and for the first time today, I feel slightly at ease.
"You hate Grease." I manage to chuckle, knowing she doesn't actually hate it, despite always telling me she does.
Es fakes a gasp, looking like I've falsely accused her of something outrageous. "Evangeline, how dare you. You know I love anything that I can have a concert too. Just wait til you hear me singing 'Look At Me, I'm Sandra-Dee', I've been working on my Rizzo impression." She winks with a loud cackle, quickly leaving the room after.
Once she's gone, I begin to undress myself, subconsciously reaching for one of Harry's shirts that lives in my top drawer.
I think back for a moment to the lyrics Esme told me she's heard me sing.
One of them stands out from the rest but I can't quite seem to place it.
So I keep thinking back to a time under the canyon moon.
It seems so familiar and I just don't know why-
"You know Evie, I've written a song called 'Canyon Moon'." Harry's words broke the silence we'd been floating in.
"Hmm, really? What is it about?" I hummed in response, rolling my face to the side so I could look up to him and the moonlit bounced from my skin under the night sky.
"Do you remember our first date?" He asked with a wondrous look.
I feel the knot in my stomach grow again as I think back to our silly romantic bickering on the rooftop garden in Arizona.
After pressing him to tell me more he did.
"Our first proper date, my friend Antonio's restaurant, il Canalone. You asked me what it meant and I wasn't sure. I knew it was something like The Canyon." I wasn't sure as to why he chose to bring this up tonight of all nights, but of course I'll do nothing but listen to his captivating words.
"I thought about that night a lot afterwards. The way you looked on the rooftop under the night sky. The way you stared at the moon and the starlit sky, it was like you'd never seen it before. It had me so in awe of you." He inches closer to me, my heartbeat quickening.
"I think the song's very fitting. Because I'll always think back to the time under this canyon moon. And then I'll think back to our first date. And then I'll think about you sunflower." He speaks barely an octave above a whisper.
He told me. He told me he wrote that song, and I never thought to put two and two together.
I never really realized what I was singing, not until Esme just told me. She reminded me of the words.
So this must mean-
I know what this means but I can't seem to wrap my head around it.
My body just freezes.
I can't be certain though-
I'll have to talk to Harry to know for sure.
There must be some other explanation. There just has to be.
Once again, my body goes to autopilot, pulling on Harry's clean shirt which holds the faint smell of him, and I walk straight out of my room, collapsing onto the couch with no tears, no hurt, no emotion.
This just can't be real.
It isn't real.
Harry is not my soulmate.
Because if he is, that means I told him to leave. That would mean I ruined the relationship with the only man I can ever see myself loving for no reason at all.
10 more chapters left besties..... super nervous for the next chapter I ain't gonna lie to you.