CATALINA
August turns around to look at me once we stop at the redlight. I see him out of the corner of my eye, but I just keep staring ahead like I don't. I don't feel like there's anything I have to say to him, and even if i do, I don't want to. I see how he's different and my mind is still trying to process how he's the same person. I can only disconnect his past from his present, because I literally can't see him as the same person.
It's made me realize that I never thought of him outside of who he is to me. I never imagined how his life was or how he is with his daughter and wife. The only thing I thought--and the only thing I wanted to think-- was how terrible he is for the stuff he's put me through. With all fault going to me, I never tried to think of him as a regular person. His heart beats just like mine does, and he feels love the same way I do, but I hadn't seen it that way.
"Where are we going?" He finally asks.
"I don't know." I admit. "At first I wanted to beat you, but now I'd feel bad if I do."
"Okay...."He nods his head.
"You can take me to the hospital." I tell him.
I guess I'll go to see Emilio. Something about questioning my disdain towards August makes me want to see Emilio. I don't know if I want to scold him for being the reason we're all so messed up or if I'll end up pitying him and wondering who it was that messed him up.
It's always easier to think of people as what they show you, but what they want you to think about them isn't always a true reflection of who they are: I am slowly learning that. I should know that because I'm one of the people who pretend to be something she's not. I want people to think that I'm mean and unforgiving, but that's just so they don't hurt me.
"How are you going to get home?" He asks, knowing that my car is still by the ice cream place.
"I'll take Ashton's car." I shrug, coming up with that in the moment.
"Okay." He nods in agreement.
We sit in silence on the drive there. The windows are up and the radio is off, making our silence excruciatingly loud. I start to scratch my fingernails along my leggings. Beyond the knowing he isn't the devil who's out to get me, I have nothing to say to him.
I don't know how to make small talk. Especially not with him. I can't start a conversation the way someone who doesn't know you would. I don't know the new him, true, but I have no questions that revolve around his life as it is now. There's nothing I want to know and all I know is that it's a little pitiful of me to not want to know.
"Here take my list." I put it in the cupholder beside me. "Don't read it if you don't want to, but still take it."
"Okay." He nods. "Do you really want me to read it?"
I look at the paper and then my eyes move down to my hands. I don't know. I thought I really wanted him to read it and now I don't know if it matters. I'm not sure it'd make a difference, but what's the harm?
He already said that he thinks it's pointless. I can't make him look at something that he feels is wasting his time.
"Yes." I nod.
"Okay then, I'll read it."
"Okay."
Our small talk ends there. We're mostly quiet on the way to hospital unless it's him asking me if I would like the radio on or off, the windows down or the air conditioner, and so it goes.
*******
I hum as I walk down the hallway of the hospital. I know, why would I be humming in a place as morbid as a hospital? No idea, humming is just something I do to fill the silence when I'm alone with myself. It's helps me to stop thinking about the crazy what-ifs that all end with me dying or hurt.
"Hello." I smile at the woman at the desk. I don't know her name, but I see her all the time.
I usually bring something for Emilio. Like fruit or something silly like a newspaper that I picked up from the store. I do it to make him feel less bad. Reading the newspaper and things that have just happened remind you that you're still alive. I do it with both good and bad intentions. I want him to know that he's still alive to remind him that his life isn't over and also so he's present enough to feel his warranted karma.
Last week he asked if he could see my children. I said no, of course. Children are curious beings. If Mahlia sees him, she'll just want to know who he is and what he's done; once he's gone, then she'll want to know where he went. I don't want to have to explain death to her so young.
I decide to stop by the break room before I go to see Emilio to see if I'll run into Ashton. Just like I had hoped, I see him standing across the room with his back turned. I start to smile when I see him, starting to feel happier and safer. I lean my head over to see what he's doing and I stop, tilting it back in shock when my eyes fall on the person standing in front of him.
I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, standing back and out of sight as I look at them. Melody is talking to him about something I'm not close enough to understand. He furrows his eyebrows, looking confused and concerned with what she's saying. In fact, it's the concern on his face that keeps my attention. I don't mind him talking to Melody. He can do whatever he wants, but why can't it just be a hi and bye thing? Why are they holding a conversation? One that looks important at that.
I stand where I am until she walks away. She does so with a certain spunk, like he had said something to annoy her. I don't know why an uneasy feeling rushes into my chest. Who does she think she is to be annoyed with him?
My heart starts to beat rapidly as suspicion floods into my brain. I never thought I'd care, but seeing the two of the speaking prompts a feeling in me that awakens my unwavering insecurity. What could they have been talking about? It's not that big of a deal, they could have been saying anything. Maybe he has a dress of hers from five years ago that he never returned. I turn around, facing the wall to take a deep breath before I turn back around and start to walk towards him.
I struggle to silence the thoughts that are roaming freely in my mind. I'll just ask him, that's all. I clear my throat to get rid of any inconsistencies in my voice when I speak.
"Hey." I say from behind him.
Ashton turns his head and smiles at me. He seems happy to see me, so maybe it's nothing. Maybe. "Hey."
"Was that Melody?" I ask, not seeing the point in wasting time to pretend I don't want to know.
"What?"
I raise an eyebrow. "What was she saying?"
I don't repeat my first questions because I know that he heard me. Him asking me what I said is just him trying to buy time for a response. Ashton stares at me in silence for a few seconds. He examines my face in one quick glance before he responds.
"Nothing important. She was asking me if I know where the cafeteria is....."
When he speaks, I immediately know that he's lying. I'm not a lie detector and he doesn't lie to me for me to be able to tell when he's lying, all I have is a gut feeling. Melody would know where the cafeteria is. This hospital has been the same for years. Plus, unless he told her to go ask God where the cafeteria is, her little storm off wasn't permitted. It's obvious from the way he trails off at the end of his LIE to think about if it makes sense or not. It doesn't.
My eyes narrow themselves and I nod my head. "Okay."
He nods his head, not knowing what else to say.
"Well, I just came to say hello. I'll see you at home."
My only follow up question would be why is he lying to me. Instead of arguing with him in the middle of the hallway, I decide to accept his answer. I was going to ask for his car to go home, but I don't. I don't want to see Emilio either anymore. All I want to do is go home.
I feel like yelling as I vigorously press the elevator button. Normally, I would tell myself to just calm down, but I have every reason to worry. He lied to me--about Melody-- right to my face. I suck in a deep breath as I roll my eyes up to the ceiling.
My biggest concern is what they possibly could have been talking about that he felt the need to lie to me. He never lies to me. He's one of the only people who I counted on to always tell me the truth. Actually, he made a vow to always tell me the truth. Now I feel myself getting angry all over again.
The elevator door slides open after what feels like ten minutes. I look behind me to see if Ashton is still around before I step onto it; of course, he isn't. He probably wanted to get away from me just as much as I wanted to get away from him. I sigh and turn around, stepping in the elevator and being smacked in the face by Melody's presence.
I scoff. How the hell did she make it on the elevator so fast? Did she leave and decide to come back and give Ashton the liar another thing to lie to me about? All I feel is rage as I think about the way the lie rolled off of his tongue so cavalierly, as if honesty wasn't an option. My jaw clenches as I look at her, standing in front of me calmly, like she isn't trying to ruin my life.
I would just wait for the next one and avoid her, but I'm not as big of a person as I would like to be. I don't want to avoid her, I want to be in a tight space with her and make her feel uncomfortable.
"Hello." Melody says with a condescending smirk on her face.
I swallow my bubbling vexation. "Hi." I smile at her. Despite how hard it is to do it, I do anyway. I don't want her to think it's her that's making me uncomfortable.
"How are you?"
"Great."
From the side of my eye, I see her turn her head to look at me. Her eyes leisurely scan me from head to toe. I stare straight ahead, pretending not to notice. She looks away, but turns back around. I just know she's gathering herself to say something to get under my skin.
I pray she doesn't say anything stupid. Thinking about my lying husband, I lose all capabilities to address anything in a courteous manner. If she makes me mad, the only thing I'll want to do is punch her in the face and break her nose.
Melody turns away, but not even fifteen seconds later does she change her mind. She looks at me again and this time she speaks. I close my eyes and sigh heavily, just preparing myself for the worst.
"Do you know where I can find Ashton?" She asks because I guess she can't help herself.
"Considering you just finished speaking with him, I'm not sure that's a real question." I say. "but if there's something that you have to tell my husband, I'd be happy to deliver the message."
I don't want to argue with her about someone who I'm married to and that she dated six years ago. My daughter is two years old and they didn't even date for two years, what would we be arguing about? Plus, he just lied to me in my face: she can have him.
"Oh, never mind." She does a petty sigh. "I'll just call him."
My head snaps in her direction. "Excuse me?"
"Don't be so insecure Catalina, it's just a phone call."
"I'm not." I scoff. I get defensive because I don't want her to think that I care about that kind of stuff. I shake my head and take another sigh under my breath.
He wouldn't do that. She could be lying about having his number, but even if she isn't, I don't have to be worried. It's no big deal. Whatever it is, I'm sure he's not doing anything that will hurt me.
It sounds like I don't know these things and am just convincing myself that they're the truth. I shouldn't have to do that. Ashton isn't the problem though, it's me. It's not that I don't believe he won't hurt me, it's that I can't trust myself enough to believe anything I know. It's like I know these things, but there's a voice in the back of my head daring me to question them. And now, there's a voice beside me, nagging at me when I'm already close to exploding in frustration.
"It must be hard to be you." Melody speaks again and when I look at her, I see she's staring at my face.
She must have noticed the doubt written all over me and taken it as an opportunity to cut even deeper. My grip on my purse handle tightens and I try to focus on the wall ahead of me to calm myself down.
"There's a very high chance that he could leave you for someone smarter or prettier or nicer...." She stops speaking to look at me briefly. "Knowing you, he might even settle for someone less annoying."
I exhale through my flared nostrils. My face grows hot with anger everytime she speaks. I try to calm myself down but nothing works. I need more than a deep breath or two to bring me back to a level head.
She's only saying these things to disturb me. She wants to perpetuate my self conscious perspective of myself. She doesn't care about Ashton or if he'll leave me, and if she does after all this time, she's just delusional and crazy—which isn't all that shocking either.
"Maybe he'll call me." Melody teases me, saying it like it's a joke, but that's not how she means it. "and I can do all the things he likes and send him back to you."
My fingers curl into a tight fist at my side. I don't stop to rationalize my actions, and even if my rage had given me the time for it, I wouldn't have wanted to.
I grow more furious with each word she says, until my nails dig into the skin of my palm from the tight fist I'm making. I let my body take control of me and I aim for her face, my fist smashing against the bridge of her nose.
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