Brielle~ Still April: Day After the Wedding
"Get up, Brie! Let's go for a run" my mother yanks open the curtains to my old bedroom, allowing the bright sunshine to blind me. I groan, sit up and sure enough, the view across the two-acre field is still the same. I can see straight onto his balcony and into his room. He could see mine just as perfectly, if he still lived at home. When we were younger, our mothers told us that they designed the houses to mirror each other so that we'd feel connected, even at a distance. Rosemary used to say that even in the womb, we'd stir at night—kicking like crazy—until she and Mama linked back up. Apparently, that told them that we were destined for each other.
"Really, Mama?" I glance over my mother in her Fabletics workout tights and sports bra, Venti Iced Caramel latte from Starbucks—no doubt with two extra shots, and wild curls in a top bun. My mom is still hot, six kids later and you'd never know. Brooklyn and I don't get our curves from our mother because my mom doesn't really have any. I mean, she has a great figure, she actually looks like Nia Long in the 90s. I think we get our curvy figures from Aunt Olivia and Grandma Dorothy.
"Yes, really! Hurry because Brook's meeting us there before her exam later today" she exits the room just as quickly as she came. I take a quick shower, brush my teeth, throw on a pair of black leggings that accentuates my booty, a red and white cropped hoodie and put my curly 4a hair into a high pony. Thankfully, when I get downstairs, my mom has a matching Starbucks latte waiting for me.
"All the kids left for school already?" I ask as we get in the car.
"Yep, all except Benson. He's been schooling virtually while he attends that fancy football training camp. Liv says it's great for future pros, and I know she's in the sports agency biz and everything; but I just hate the message we're sending him" mama responds, her southern accent just as heavy as ever.
"You think it shows that sports are more important than an education?" I ask
"Yes! That's exactly how I feel. Your daddy thinks it's a great opportunity and he promises that it has nothing to do with guys and sports and all that jazz." She shakes her head disapprovingly, "but... I don't know, Brie. You know how men are."
"Well, Mama, you and daddy teach us to prepare for the future. To do what we can to get a head start on our goals" I offer, which she doesn't really like.
"Brielle Theresa Jameson, don't you lawyer me. Now you know, professional football would be great, but it's no career. Not for my baby. Not the only career at least. You know I teach all of y'all to have career plans A through Z plus double. What if he gets hurt or injured? Oh, and what about all these studies being done on the side effects of football, huh?" I can't help smiling to myself. I haven't really been home, but that never stopped my home from coming to me. Mom and I just had this conversation a month ago, over brunch in the city before Ben left. Ben and daddy warned me that she'd won over Brook with her objections and just needed me on her side for a tied vote.
Brook and I are nearly ten years older than Bryson and Benson, and nearly fifteen years older than the twins: Braylen and Blake. Since we are so much older than them, we sort of mother our siblings and our parents often include us in on some of the parenting decisions. I think it started because Mama would often overshare her side of the story and I'm very tightly bonded with my dad. Not that she needed our help, but sometimes daddy can be really stubborn on things. It helps to have multiple people point out the flaws in something......sometimes.
I treat all my siblings as if they were my own children; the twins don't have as strong a bond with me as my other siblings because I was out a lot when they were younger. They have stronger ties to Brook than they do with me, she's been home with them more. By the time they were born, I was traveling a lot with my dad, Mr. Jameson, and my friends. I'd been hanging out with my friends more and started dating. To be honest, I was just like every other teenager, selfish and obsessed with my own insignificant but totally life-ruining drama.
We talk a little more about the football as a career thing and then moved on to my other siblings. Apparently, Bry has shown interest in taking over Daddy's advertisement firm; which pleases daddy. The thing is, my dad isn't the type to force a path on us. He'll nudge if its life altering, but ultimately, he lets us be who we are and figure it out as we go. I ask her about the twins and their music and dance lessons. The twins are so talented and ridiculously smart, Mama says they had to be with some many older siblings. They participate in so many extracurricular activities.
"How do you feel about Gen and Johnny tying the knot?" Mama asks as the three of us walk around the John V. Lindsay East River Park.
"What do you mean?" I sip on my latte
"Well, I always thought they were too unstable to be serious" Brook admits. "Then there's also the fact that everyone thought you and Dax would get married first. Or would even still be together."
"Are you two even friends? You always avoid the question when I ask" Mama adds
"No, we aren't friends" I confess, to my mother's displeasure. "We tried Mama. It was too hard to be friends again. Besides, we were too intense. We needed to break up...i needed the break up."
"Why? Did the relationship become toxic?" Mama asks. Brooklyn just listens in quietly, I'm sure she's dying to know too. Everyone is, I've never told why DJ and I broke up exactly, and I guess he hasn't either.
"Sort of, but like not in an abusive way. It was toxic because, I couldn't define myself without him. That's not who I am. I'm not some sappy love sick fool who defines herself through a relationship. I loved him so much that I felt physical pain when we weren't around each other. I no longer knew how to be independent and that's not how I was raised" I tell them.
"Were you two sexually active? Did you have sex in my house?" Mama asks on the defensive
"Yeah, Mama" Brook scoffs. Almost ending my life! "Like sex is the only way a person can love."
"Watch it, Brook! Remember who taught you that feminist attitude, self-value and worth as a young woman" Mama warns. "Now, I'm not saying that it's the only definition of love or that sex defines love at all, but it can intensify things."
"No, we weren't back then, but that didn't stop me from feeling a need for him. It was like being close to him wasn't enough, I needed him to be a part of my skin. To be branded on me or something. Like, I'd cry myself to sleep if he we weren't able to fall asleep cuddling in each other's arms. Or, if he was away from me for too long, it was like I couldn't breathe...and all this was without sex. I mean, trust me I wanted to. I really wanted to and even started begging him to just stop being so delicate with me and just do it already. I started scaring myself, so then I started pushing him away. Felt like I was giving him too much power over me. So, that's when I left to spend spring break down south with Grandma Dorothy and Pop-pop Joe." I explain to them, possibly in more detail than I intended.
"Everything feels intense when you're young" Mama offers.
"Right, but it was nothing like when we finally did have sex" my mom stopped right in her tracks. I'd did that thing where I get too comfortable and tell her something she didn't need to know. My parents are chill, more so now that I'm older, but my mom still gets jaded by her southern traditions. It's like she's either hard on us because she was young and unmarried when she and daddy had me; or she's just too stuck in her ideals to have a down to earth conversation with me. She straddles the fence a lot between the two. Once too much gets revealed, especially all at once, she reverts into someone controlling and judgmental. She tries to make my life what she wants it.
Her eyes widen and Brook tries to change the subject. "Here I am thinking that you stuck to the good religious values your Daddy and I taught you! Granted, I figured y'all were doing something, just not sex. Not that soon."
"No, it was after we broke up" we rest and sit down on a bench.
"So, if you two only broke up because you needed to rediscover yourself, why haven't you spoken in years. Daxton isn't the Barrett that tries to suppress women's thoughts and voices, or invalidate anyone's feelings. Basically, he's not a misogynistic prick" Brooklyn rants
"Is Declan?" I ask in my overprotective big sister way, ready to beat down anyone who messes with my loved ones.
"I'm just saying...Daxton would support whatever you choose to do to better yourself, even if he doesn't understand it" she diverges. I nod my head in agreement with her.
"Yeah, he would. The thing is, people change when their hearts are broken—even if just in the heat of the moment" I try to explain.
"True" Mama interjects slowly, signifying that she's really thinking on my words. "But...when someone really loves you, no matter how angry they get, they don't say or do something to hurt or disrespect the people they love. Not when it's real love. Your father and I can have an argument or disagreement without tearing each other apart. You don't ever want to see the people you love hurt, especially by something you said or did. Daxton is like that, something I think her picked up from your father, because his father....well, let's not even go there."
"I know, but he did that night. That's why I can't ever let him in like that again. A person can only hurt you if you let them" I stare off at the river before us, wondering how much of my time home will be about reliving the past. I miss him. I love him. I hate him. I hate me for not truly hating him. It's exhausting and I'd rather save my energy for the firm.
"You still in love with him?" Mama persists and all I could do not to roll my eyes at her is signal for her to stop the conversation. "I think you two should work it out. You know, maybe you'll be getting married next. Know what, I'll invite the Barrett's over for dinner and—"
"This is why I don't come home to visit and y'all visit me. Mama, don't" I warn, respectfully.
"I mean you've given him your virginity, what's wrong with marriage!"
"Oh! Mama, no!" Brook intervenes, "how could you of all people say that? That's...wow!"
"Hey, y'all are my babies. You get less passes than others. Besides, the two of you were always endgame. Brookie you and Declan on the other hand... not so much" Mama gets up and starts the trail again. I can't help but laugh. My mom her is a force to be reckoned with, she stands for her beliefs and fights fiercely beside anyone she loves, but she's still mama. I guess every parent has higher expectations for their own child, even if it doesn't always make sense. Well, every good parent. I can see she just wants what's best for us, she annoys me but she's a wonderful mother and I love her.
Brooklyn looks at me for support but I hold up my hands in surrender. "Declan is a little immature. I mean, you helped him...A LOT. But he's still got tons of work to do to be with you."
Home. Family. Feels kind of good to know that I'll be back at my apartment soon; even if it'll seem empty now that Gen's moved out.